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but I look into the beautiful faces of my little girls and I feel like I’m sentencing them to this broken life where they come from a broken family in which their mother has to work long hours to support them. Where they are shuttled from one house to the next, not knowing where “home” is. I can’t know for sure that I will be happier without him. I think I will but will it torture me, wondering if every tantrum or separation anxiety is a direct result of my decision to divorce my h. Most of the time I feel ok w my decision, but I’m also living w family right now and have a lot of support. Would I feel differently if I were totally alone? I just want to know my kids will be ok. And I know I can’t know that. I am so angry at him for forcing me to make this decision. I just can’t be with someone I will never be able to trust but I would do anything for my girls and if I could know for sure that they would grow up happy and healthy and well adjusted if I stayed w him, I would do it. But I know I can’t know that either. I just don’t want to be selfish here. I see their little faces and I just want to do anything for them. Sorry for rambling.
Anne,
I think your feelings are totally understandable. No one really wants to break up a family. As dr Phil says (and I know many hate him). ‘Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one’. However easier said than done like most things in life. I think having a fresh start can be very positive and sometimes divorce is a good thing, especially when there is no trust. Would you hand over you life saving to someone you didn’t trust? I think sometimes I have looked at things backwards. I think it was a good thing now that my marriage ended, no trust, no true relationship, just chaos and unpredictability and hurt. No thank you.Anne, I know that feeling very well. I was married before Gollum and had an alcoholic ex. I divorced him with great trepidation because he got 50% custody. I worried myself sick. And he did introduce my son to drugs, alcohol and sex at 11yo. But, before I divorced him, my counselor told me that if I stayed, my son would be with an alcoholic 100% of the time. If I divorced him he at least had a 50% chance of seeing non alcoholic behavior. That is what decided for me. My son was 2 when I divorced his dad. His dad died of liver failure when he was 16. He had a lot of rough years, but through it all, I was his rock. Still am. He is now 20, we are truly best friends. He is a specialist in the Army and is going to be deployed after Christmas to Afghanistan. You can raise great kids without an addicted husband. You can show them what normal is. Kids feel the tension and weirdness that goes with no trust and dealing with addiction of any kind. You can show them how to be strong and stand up for yourself. Good life lessons for any kid, but I think especially important for girls. I hope this helps. Of course this is just my experience and yours may be very different than mine.
Anne, it’s an important decision.
if your beautiful daughters grew into women living with a man like yours–would you tell them to stay? Because that’s what we teach them when we do. I know I”m talking tough here, but when kids are involved I don’t mess around. How you write this part of the story will teach them how to handle theirs, come what may.
But there’s nothing easy about it. It’s tough.Anne, one of the best days of my life was when my parents divorced. Finally, there was peace and the possibility of happiness for both of them. ( I didn’t keep contact with my father, but that’s another story). The point is that not all kids are devastated by divorce. Some are relieved when it happens. I was.
Anne, if you are not sure that you want a divorce then stay married to him and try to make a family with him. If it doesn’t work then you can divorce next year…..
If you just shouted at the computer screen , “NO F’N WAY “, then you know that divorce is the right course for you 🙂
Also, keep in mind that if he is truly in any type of recovery or therapy then you can divorce and later you can get back together if you feel you made a mistake.
Step back and breathe and think all of your options thru. Choose the one that feels the most right for you. Remember that this is our reality and there is no good answer. Do whatever is in your best interest. Whatever is best for you will be best for your daughters.
Bev – I do think this is the right decision – after ten months of separation I can still barely look at him, let alone think about sharing a bed with him. It’s just so sad. This isn’t the life I wanted for my kids or for myself. I know I’m not alone in that. I’m just still filled w so much anger about all this.
Diane – you’re right – I do want to model for my daughters a healthy relationship – one in which their mother doesn’t cringe every time their father comes near her. One in which their mother has a voice that is valued.
Monique, NAP and jomard – I can only hope my kids will end up appreciating or at least not hating me for my decision. I want to believe there is a better and happier life on the other side of this.Anne, one thing that has helped me throughout this journey since November, is that NOTHING but death is permanent. I have left my husband to live at the beach and try to heal, but I am not legally separated nor am I filing for divorce at this time. I am not ready. If my husband does the work on himself, we may have a chance in the future. Or maybe not. If we divorce, we can re-marry. If we separate legally we do not have to end in divorce. But until one of us dies, no decision has to be forever, if we do not want it to be.
If you are not ready to divorce then do not. Stay separated until you have the clarity to move forward. Thinking of you.anne,
i struggled with this decision for over a year. it was the hardest part of deciding to divorce. these are the conclusions i came to, and i have NO doubts.
– my son doesn’t care about money. he won’t care if he has less.
– if i stay, i would implode, i would have to disappear, to sacrifice myself. if my son saw that, that’s what he would learn
– if i dissociate all the time to cope, or even some of the time, my son will lose his true mother
– i believe with all my heart that my son knows more than he lets on, even if only intuitively. and he needs to learn that you cannot mistreat someone, that there will be consequences. if i stay, and my son knows his father mistreated/mistreats me, i believe he will likely either become codependent and allow himself to be mistreated (more likely with his nature) or he will mistreat his partner
– i believe i will be happier, eventually. and that my son will have his true mom back
– there is a good possibility i WILL have a healthy relationship one day. and both me and my son will learn what that is like.the SA behaviour is NOT acceptable. IMO, for me (no judgement here if you stay) the ONLY way to truly stand up against that is to leave.
you are choosing a life of integrity and honesty anne, what is more important than that?
hugs, lisa
Anne, I hear you. I had 3 little ones under 6 when I divorced jackass #1. It was scary but there was peace and happiness that had not been for awhile.
Ask yourself this….. If you stay, you know what to expect.
If you get out, what happens if some really great things happen because you left?
It would make it all worthwhile.
Anne – you are grieving the loss of the intact family you thought you had. I think that as hard as that is, it is a good step. You need to grieve – going through that will get you to the next step in your healing process. No it’s not linear, you may get to anger & then back to grief, etc. but every time I have crying jags or feelings of despair, I like to think of it as a balloon that has been filled to capacity and by feeling those emotions as they come, I’m letting a little bit of air out so that it doesn’t burst. Because if you don’t feel those feelings and sit with them, that is what will happen – you will burst (i.e. have a major breakdown or something).
It sucks BIG TIME but trust me – it gets better. And your girls are young – that is a blessing in of itself b/c they won’t know life differently. Yes, that is hard but it also makes it easier b/c they will just accept that this is the way things are. You are also so blessed to have the amazing support of your family. For now, don’t worry about what it will be like “on your own”. Just appreciate that you have the ability to live with them and when you’re ready to be on your own, you can take that step then.
Hugs,
ChristineThank you for all of your support. Christine – you always have a way of bringing me back to reality. It is definitely a grieving process and I need to accept that. The loss of my intact family (or at least what I thought was an intact family) is profoundly sad, and it will take time but I have to believe it is the right thing for me to do. Hugs.
Anne I’m suffering with the same feeling. I’ve decided to focus on me fit now and not think about my h or our marriage. I’m working on myself first.. It’s such a difficult decision.. Xoxo
Caligirl – I think the focus on you is such an important step. I’m at the point in my journey where I’m focusing on me and asking myself “why did I accept this for so long?” Don’t confuse that with being co-addicted – I just think so many of us on this site have slowly & over time been led to believe by our SAs and by our own thought patterns that this is the best we’ll have and it’s so not true!! We need to take back US and let the chips fall where they may. If that means, getting rid of the SAs, so be it. If it means our SAs step up & do the difficult work of recovery, that’s great but all that matters is that we know WE are good enough and we cannot let them tell us otherwise.
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