- This topic has 31 replies, 15 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 9 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Several weeks ago, before Greg was out of the house, I passed my neighbor’s truck on our street as I was leaving for work. I stopped and rolled down the window, as we always say hello or check in re the kids, etc. His truck is very large and high off the ground, and the windows are tinted, so I couldn’t see him until he rolled the window down. But as the window came down, i discovered it wasn’t my skinny, bushy-haired Neighbor, but another man driving his truck. This guy was blonde, gorgeous, with a beautiful smile, and he was enjoying the surprise. My heart actually SKIPPED a beat or two. I realised, then, what I’ve been missing.
I also feel deprived. I’m 36 and should be enjoying my sexual peak. I find my self looking at hottie men but then feel sad that I might not feel that kind of love again. How will I ever trust someone again? I know I’ll never trust someone like I trusted my SAH. I gave him everything. Now I know I can’t and won’t do that again. I will always need to keep me for myself because I don’t want to depend on someone the way I have for the past 14 years. And 5 years with my ex before.
I feel lonely thinking about that. It’s as if I don’t believe in love anymore. I’m grieving the idea of SAH being there for me. And as I make plans to move on I worry. I worry about what if I get sick. Who will be there. What if I can’t work. What ifs…. Even though this is not a marriage, there are functional securities that will hard to give upmarch, i love that! your heart is pounding girl! alive and well!
teneil, i hear you honey, it is so hard. in the end, if we can trust ourselves, we can make it through anything, even allowing ourselves to trust another… i’m not there yet, but i am …starting… to believe in love again. it’s different though, not so much about what kind of security someone can give me (cuz i need to give that to myself), but rather, about a way of being. an active way of treating myself and others. with absolute respect and kindness. and detachment. not hanging on to them. or hanging on to some kind of preconceived idea about myself. sounds new-agey, but it is slowly making more and more sense to me…
Teneil I hear you. I agree with so much of what you say, and I’ve been thinking the same things. I also get mad that I am capable of such love and now the idea terrifies me. It’s so unfair. Sex? I just can’t even go there yet. Haha I have this idea of some poor guy approaching me and saying “Hi my name is Bob” and me yelling “yeah? You say it’s Bob but why should I believe you Bob! What’s your real story Bob?” Heaven help the poor guy who approaches me next. lol. This sucks.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.