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I AM STUCK! I can’t seem to move forward and I am acting like a rant raving lunatic. I just want to know the truth….and all I get is “I swear I am telling the truth”. Which is a lie. I just know it. But I can’t move past something I don’t fully understand. My brain won’t let me. Bev, thanks for checking on me. You are saying all the things I know I should do, but I am literally crawling out of my skin with anxiety over what happened. Did he actually see the prostitutes and how many times and how much porn is he looking at. He does everything at work—so I have NO IDEA!! It is driving me crazy! And the worst, he looks so sad and miserable. Feeds right into my need to nurture and love him. But I sit here all day with a brick on my chest unable to breathe. He is mad at me right now because he says if I keep an appt with ob/gyn to get tested for STD’s then it is likely we won’t make it. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT???? He lies about everything BUT tells the truth about not having sex? What am I to think? But, I still love him and want him to get better and want to believe him. I am just so messed up right now. I am “stuck”
I’m so sorry. I know how you are feeling. The thing is, he should understand that you will A LOT better after being checked out for STD’s. You need to feel safe and do what is right for YOU. Enough about him right? He’s done ENOUGH. He doesn’t get a say in your health. When your tests come back clean, he can say I told you so up and down, but you need to do this for your sanity. I think he might be embarassed that you have to tell your OB/GYN WHY you need to be tested. Oh well, that’s part of the consequences to their actions. I’m so sorry. I too have felt “stuck”. I describe as feeling like my feet are stuck in cement. I know what I should do and what I have to do, but I can’t move.
It`s ok sweetie. We all felt we were crawling out of our skin. I still do at times. In fact, that is how the beginnings of my anxiety attacks started. If you cannot bear to do anything else I said then just do one…. BREATHE!
Just sit down and breathe deep and slow. .. Eventually, when you are ready then you will move. There is no prize for being first in this little dance.
Try really hard to stop discussing this with him until you feel a little more stable. Keep your OB appt. and ask her for meds.
Hang in there,
bevHI jonsmom,
You are probably in PTSD mode, full blown. You need counselling support in the trauma model.HOw dare he threaten YOU will the marriage being over if you get checked for STD’s. That’s classic addict diminishing and denial behaviour. Also trying to gaslight you.
You need to make yourself the priority. Not the marriage. that’s the first trap we fall into—we worry about the marriage and accept further abuse. It’s got to stop now. BEcause it will not get any better no matter how you try.
Check out Barb Steffens books as I posted on Laststraws story.
hang in there, we are with you,
you can find your way out of this mess, but you might have to leave his sorry ass to sit on his own shitpile.okay, so now you know how i really feel…
Diane.xo.
Laststraw,
I apologize upfront for saying this but you are married to an awful man who has no respect for you. He’s a SA with one main goal and priority in mind, which makes him blind to you.Part of their game is to manipulate you into believing YOU have done something wrong. Blame, denial and minimization are the only tools they have to use against reality.
I hope you find some comfort here and I hope you start putting yourself before a sex addicts sick perceptions of life.
I don’t think you’ll find a single woman on here who has not asked herself, “what the fuck was I thinking?”
Warm Hugs,
KimSA is like quicksand. It sucks you under.
I agree with the other ladies… keep your DR appointment. His wants have come before yours for a long time. It’s time to reverse the roles.
Hugs, Kim
And unfortunately, his little threat of “likely we won’t make it” could also mean that you MIGHT test positive for something (God forbid) and then YOU just might decide to walk out on HIM. (and I hope you DO!) So yeah, Mr. Asshole….you are RIGHT for once- it IS likely that we won’t make it. THANKS TO YOU, FUCKER.
Ugh. I hate these guys.
Another thing, even if you test negative for everything- that still doesn’t prove jack shit about his fidelity so he can be in your face all day long and it doesn’t mean a thing. I passed the STD test, and my ex SAH had been fucking 500 lb whores for years.
PS- he DID give me the little present of genital herpes…. Years ago….before I figured out all this SA shit. I am stuck with that for life. Daily meds, etc. Nice.
So just ignore his idiotic threats or start making some of your own, sister. These guys have NERVE. Fire back!
With love and understanding,
SL
PS- totally get the whole “stuck” thing. Ask my sister’s about the patio….. Sigh…
How dare him tell you the marriage will be over if you get checked for std’s. – Talk about control!! Tell him to go, you will be better off.
I am so sorry for you. Take care of yourself FIRST. Then decide how you want to proceed.If her were innocent, he’d be saying, “Please, get tested. Maybe then it will be easier for you to believe me.”
He is the master manipulator. Mr. stand up christian….goes to church on Sunday and reserves whores on Monday! You remember him saying, “you are going to ruin my name”. That is really all he cares about. My ob/gyn has delivered both of our babies and is an amazing man. He is embarrassed- and I DON”T GIVE A SHIT! I mean, my husband just solicited prostitution and as we speak I am working on dinner and homework with the kids…..he will walk in the door and sit down like nothing happened. I start all acts of kindness, I start all conversations. WTF????? If I had done this I would be begging everyday for forgiveness doing all I could do show that I made a mistake. Instead Mr. emotion-less just walks away in a haze. What do you think this means?? He had a phone conversation with the owner of the “business”. I demanded he tell me what they talked about and he says he doesn’t even remember the conversation. Now he could be bullshitting me, but the hairs on the back of my neck stood up……and then I said “well then of course I am keeping my OB/GYN appt. I mean if you can’t remember a phone conversation with a madam, maybe you have forgotten fucking whores”. 🙂
Dear Jonsmom,
Well first of all, you would never do what he did, but definitely hear you regarding what you would do to make it up to someone you love if you did. Now there is something many of us have in common!
Thank god you are keeping your appt! Also, the terrible amnesia they all suffer from seems to be common.
Im sorry you are going through this, and can definitely relate to the “stuckness”. We have all been there. I hope you get out of the “stuck” and into “happy” or at least “happier” soon.
Big love to you!
SL–you are on a roll! Thank you.Dear Jonsmom
I totally get the need to know the truth and details. but good luck getting it from him. at one point, i was checking everything under the sun. i got a good dose of how bad he really was. didn’t help much.
cuz here is the thing. 1 whore. 1000 whores. std. f*cked around but you didn’t get an std. while you surely wouldn’t want an std — for sure — how much do those details mean for you to make a decision about your life? what if you never get them?
while knowing the facts is important for sure. how much do you need to know? the fact that he thinks if you get tested it could be the end of the relationship — well jonsmom,– that speaks volumes. he’s not going to tell you with words. it will come with big hints– like that one– and good old fashioned weird behavior.
the less discussion the better. watch. evaluate. move accordingly. no discussion. you take the power and decide.
did he consult you before he did what he did? did ask permission? did the money come from just “his pocket”? we are accountable to each other in a marriage.
watch and determine the truth. you will find it is there. so sorry for your turmoil. it is such an undercurrent that sucks us under. stand strong.
jonsmom- I have to wonder if acting like nothing has happened is common among all SA’s. Steve and I would have the fight of all fights about his addiction. I would nail his ass to the wall, he would get defensive and passive-aggressive. We would go to bed not speaking, and the next day he would get up, give me a kiss on the cheek, and act as if nothing had happened. I guess that is called denial or thinking maybe if it is not discussed anymore, it will just go away. SA’s really don’t deal with confrontation.
I can 3rd that!! Happened all the time. I was just so happy to have a little peace…. I would just roll with it, thankful he was actually being NICE to me. Ugh. How pathetic now that I ponder that.
Remember my famous story? We, the couple who did NO NAME CALLING WHATSOEVER for 17 years and all of a sudden, I get shitty with him over the phone because I KNEW something suspicious was up. I hung up on him. 30 seconds later he sends me a text: “You are a mean fucking bitch”.
I was FLOORED.
4 hours later, on his way home from “work” at 11 pm (normally left at 6 pm), he sends another text: “You want me to stop and get you coffee?”
WTF??
I should have recorded all of our marriage counseling sessions ( pre discovery). I thought I was sitting on that couch beside f`n Sybil!!
No wonder I thought I was crazy:)
I know, right? This is why we are crazy. And in my opinion, why we probably stay longer than most would think healthy for us. Because they live 2 lives. I mean, my husband was speaking to a madam and 1 hour later came home to go to a birthday celebration at his parent’s house with our kids and could not understand why I refused to be by his side. I have given serious thought to this…..do they lie so much that they don’t even know the truth? I too feel like husband has split personality. He is an amazing husband in so many ways. I mean of all the things you would have told me he would do, this WOULD NOT be one of them. If you knew him, you wouldn’t believe it. But, those who try so hard to have a perfect image are the ones with the darkest secrets, yes?? I am just making myself crazy with the “why”? Why would he risk everything for this? It just doesn’t make since. And does not sound remotely like the man I have known since 15. It is driving me crazy. And Bev, I took your advice. No talk about the “incident”. And he seems so happy to not be on the hot seat. Pisses me off………I am off to therapy to probably hear more about how I am part of the problem. sigh–will give an update when I return.
My husband was late for my son`s christmas program ( in the church) because he was fucking a hooker at the Holiday Inn. He was in charge of picking up my daughter and his mother. I had gone early to help backstage and save seats….
I cannot believe lightening didn`t strike!!!
Just FYI, Everybody loves my H. He is the definition (outwardly) of the perfect H, father, friend,employee,neighbor…..
NOBODY would believe this. Another reason I hired a PI and collected hard evidence:)
Yes well…nobody would believe it…. BUT we KNOW it is true, so we KNOW they are not great husbands or fathers? We KNOW they are the kind of people who are fucking a whore one minute and attending the school Xmas program next. What else do we need to know? It isn’t enough to KNOW what they did…to have hard evidence? We have to know why? We have to have an explanation? OR do we have to find a reason because we are looking for some excuse to overlook what they have done? Or does searching for an explanation buy more time to do nothing? Here’s an explanation. THEY ARE FUCKING CRAZY AND SICK AND PERVERTED. End of explanation. Karen xx
Jonsmom,
Of course it doesn’t make sense why he would risk everything…..because not you, or anyone on here would even THINK of doing something that would jeopardize our marriages, our families. When my husband said it was “just sex”, “it didn’t mean anything” My brian could not compute that…….how could you possibly risk EVERTHING for NOTHING….risk everything for sex with prostitutes. I remember thinking, that if he told me he’d fallen in love with someone else, someone so special that he was willing to leave everything for….perhaps, I could understand that. No doubt I would still be devastated and my world would still crumble, BUT, I would appreciate his courage and honesty to tell me he wanted out, and that he had a modicum of respect for our relationship and not make a mockery of it. But then again, courage,honesty,integrity, are not attributes of a SA.
Lady-BI stayed 19 years with my now ex SAH because he was such a GREAT guy. There was just no way he could do this. Yet he did do it again and again. He was and is a great father. I do not question whether that is real or not. He was and is a kind man. He treated me like a queen. He treated my family and his so well and with respect and kindness. Part of the reason why I was so in love with him was because of how important family was to him. I can not think of any fault in him. Except he went to prostitutes. For the longest time I looked at our marriage as a scale with all the good on one side and that one bad on the other and was able to stay because the good so outweighed the bad. But it really didn’t. It was eroding my very being and I allowed it. I had to leave or die and that is not me being a drama queen. I had to stop listening to the minimizing (“I didn’t have affairs” and “It was meaningless sex”) and start listening to the screaming in my head that was saying get out now. I had to take a good look at the situation and say to myself “Would you want your daughter in this kind of relationship?” The answer was always no so why would I want it for myself? I got out. I am still sad sometimes but I am also finding a use for the incredible amount of energy I used to spend ruminating and doubting and struggling with obvious truths that I just could not accept. What am I doing with that energy? Finding me again! Scary but finally living honestly.
Ellen
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