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Ellen, I too love your post….your situation sounds so similar. I just told my H this morning that I am not strong enough to go through this with him. The interesting thing is he actually said something to me that gave me a little light into his twisted, demented thinking. His response back was, “this has nothing to do with you or how much I love you….I didn’t do this TO you”. Does he really believe that? So sad. So very sad. But just saying out loud to him that I am sorry, but I just can’t get past this…that I will never trust him again and this is just no way to live, made me feel like chains were being lifted from me. I am so burdened with HIS problem yet he goes about his day as usual. I am tired of the burden. And I am tired of trying to fix something that is so broken, even if we pieced our marriage back together, I think it would have too many cracks. It really really sucks. How selfish someone can be.
Dear Ellen …they ALL go about their business while their partners carry the burden of what they have done. They all say it is NOT about their wives and has nothing to do with how much they love you. I, personally, think someone doing these things and then telling you they love you, is the biggest insult of all. In any event, if you know you will never trust him again…then you are much saner than you may have thought? You shouldn’t trust him because even as you speak…he is planning his next betrayal. I guarantee it. Karen xx
Karen and Lady-B
It always bothered me to no end when he said that his behavior etc was not about me and had nothing to do with me. I know all the experts say that too and I know the behavior is usually the result of some deep hidden childhood wounds BUT after the first discovery and understanding those wounds weren’t hidden anymore and further behavior became very much about me (how narcissistic is that?!) because now he was making a choice. He chose to block me out of his life, not trust me, not be a partner and not let me be a partner. I used to feel guilty divorcing because of the vows I took – for better for worse, in sickness and in health – now I feel that I tried to keep the vows but it does take two.
EllenDear Ellen–you just echoed something that was in my heart for a long time. Its where the pain comes from. “BUT after the first discovery and understanding those wounds weren’t hidden anymore and further behavior became very much about me (how narcissistic is that?!) because now he was making a choice. He chose to block me out of his life, not trust me, not be a partner and not let me be a partner.”
Bonnieb—that is exactly right! That is where the pain comes from. Because I don’t care what he or anyone else says, they choose to stay married and do this. They could choose to divorce and get their rocks off, but instead, it is like part of the thrill is in the lies and secrets…..why do they ALL seem to want to stay married???? So painful….
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