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So we all know the story of my SA. Continuous betrayal, lies, and abandonment during the entire marriage. Unprotected sex with numerous prostitutes during up until last June. Emotional detachment, lack of remorse, robotic attitude, constant denial. Even though I’ve thrown him out of the house on more than one occasion, I have had to let him back in time after time due to financial and health reasons {difficult to care for a 2 year old alone with no money and a bum knee that recently had unsuccessful surgery}. Honestly I detest him. I’m not lying about that. There is NOTHING I like about this person. I have zero respect for him. And we’ve been on bad terms since he ONCE AGAIN stopped his therapy claiming he “doesn’t believe in it” and “doesn’t need it cause he has recovered”
Anyhow, I finally had my son’s name etched onto his tomb a few weeks ago. My parents saved up money to do this for me because it hurt me so much not to have his name there {for those who don’t know, my son was my daughter’s twin, who only lived for one day}. I was very emotional. My SA “thing” works long hours and has a long commute so he was gone that day the usual times {12PM-2:30AM}. When he came home I was in bed crying. As usual he acted uncomfortable at the site of human emotion, but when I showed him the picture of the tomb and explained that was why I was crying, he almost looked human. ALMOST. But the closet I’ve seen yet. So I was sad and vulnerable and we somehow ended up having sex. I had an old condom that we used, just in case he is still doing things {even though I have taken complete control of the finances, etc, you never know what lengths a man like this will go to}. I felt disgusting afterwards and actually vomited.
In the past week I have been feeling extremely ill. I also noticed I was late for my period. Now, just to let everyone know, I battled infertility for years. I have had 4 miscarriages {one was a ectopic, another was in the 2nd trimester, the other 2 were fairly early on}. I have been on a plethora of fertility medication in my life. My daughter and son were IVF babies, and initially quadruplets {2 lost heartbeats before the 10th week}. My doctor told me that due to my age and my history AND the damage done to my uterus, the chances of ever getting pregnant again were dangerous and slim to none, but to use a condom just in case. I came to terms that my daughter would be an only child because I’m 39, and it wasn’t THAT difficult to accept that because I in no way, shape or form want to have another child with this “thing” of a husband.
As the days passed I got a bad feeling, so I went out and bought a pregnancy test. It was positive.
I went directly to the doctor {who knows not only my reproductive history, but also knows my marital problems as I have been there 3x in the past year for repeat STD panels, and told him the story}. He confirmed that I am, indeed, pregnant. He asked my why I didn’t use protection. I told him that I did, and none of this makes sense. I also told him the condom was old, but I didn’t think it was THAT old, and what the hell are the chances of a woman with reproductive problems at my age getting pregnant by having sex with a condom? It almost sounds impossible.
Anyhow he took a blood test to see where I was, and I got the numbers back. They are a bit on the low side, so I may once again miscarry, but so far, nothing.
Here’s the clincher.
I had taken another test 2 days ago to see if the lines were getting lighter and I was getting ready to miscarry. Miscarriages are painful and draining, so I wanted to be prepared as I am alone with my 2 year old 90% of the time. In my dazed brain of dealing with this news and chasing a child in the terrible 2’s with a bum knee, I threw the test out in the bathroom garbage instead of the big kitchen garbage.
My “thing” saw it
Of course, in his demented brain, he said “this is great. If this one sticks it will be my chance to make up to you all the times I wasn’t there for you in the past during your pregnancies”. I could tell by the way he said it he was lying as usual. He was probably just selfishly happy that this would mean I could no longer leave him if, in an off chance, I didn’t lose the pregnancy. Knowing that this IS a possibility, I decided to test his sincerity by asking him to come clean about any of the 100s of things I know about, but he never confessed to.
He didn’t. He lied. And lied. And lied. And LIED.
I got so angry {hormones and all} that I went and got the proof of what I had just confronted him with, and threw it in his face whilst spitting on him {my daughter was asleep}. Then he grabbed my arm to stop me from throwing more pictures and hooker “reviews” at him so I punched him. Hard. Then threw him out.
As of today I am having some mild cramping but I’m still pregnant. I am in shock and bewildered and devastated and lost. I am against abortion for myself {pro choice for others} but have no idea what to do if by some bizarre twist of fate, I happen to NOT lost this child naturally. The last thing I want to do is bring another innocent baby into his insane and perverted world. I already feel bad enough about my daughter and sometimes HATE myself for thinking God knew better than to give this piece of shit 2 living children, so he took my son.
I am so lost. I am so hurt. I am so mad at myself.
Sorry for any typos or run-on sentences, bad grammar, etc.Hurtheart
I feel for you, I really do. You must feel so overwhelmed with everything that’s going on at the moment. I understand your dilemma too – I also would never have an abortion, but like you, think other people are entitled to make their own choice. If it’s at all possible, I think you should make your decisions about your relationship with your SA regardless of whether you are pregnant or not. Is there anyone who can help you out? Family or friends. Either emotionally or/and financially? I’m afraid I don’t understand the situation in the US regarding what financial help you may be entitled to (I’m in the UK).
Just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking about you and if you want to chat, I’ll be on the site for the next few hours. Just send me a message if you do.
Lots of love and hugs
Bb
xHi Hurtheart,
I feel for you too hurtheart and I too wouldn’t be able to have an abortion. Some how, some way, you need to start a plan to start over in your life, even if its just little steps. If your H is an active SA, then don’t let him back, there’s your number 1 baby step, you can get an attny (with a payment plan) and file for legal seperation and get marital support for yourself and child support for your child. You don’t have to live this way. You have the power within you to make a better life, it will take courage, support from all you can find, and determination. You are a smart woman and you can do this….otherwise, nothing will change, and it hasn’t so far. Love you HH, napDead Hurtheart,
What a mess of feelings on your plate! You’ve travelled from the fresh grief over your son, a flash of hope in your SA’s humanity, to the power of new life and the fear that surrounds it, and the terrible truth of persistent lies. Thank you for all the energy it took to tell us your story. We are with you in whatever happens.Please don’t ever think God gives us pain for any reason at all. Pain comes from living in this world that is both troubled and blessed, and I can’t imagine a stronger sign of that than to have to rejoice over the daughter that lives and grieve over the son who dies.
For now, we wait with you through this first trimester. One thing at a time. Ignore the babble of the SA. No one believes anything he says. What matters is what you think, you feel, you want, you need. We will believe you. And we also believe in you too.
Speaking now from my faith tradition, there is One who shares that belief in you.
Like NAP says, no matter what unfolds, you can do this.
I just wish with all my heart that you didn’t have to.love and light
D.Thank you so much my sisters. It’s an emotional roller coaster. Right now I just had some cramping with spotting so I put in a call to the doctor. I’ve enough miscarriages to know the signs but I guess right now I’m not thinking clearly anymore. Usually when I had a m/c it involved severe cramps and clotting {sorry TMI}. I’m going to keep an eye on it for the day.
And yes, my daughter is a miracle. I was told she wouldn’t survive. She is a happy, beautiful, and wonderful 2 year old. You would never know she had so much trouble while I was pregnant, or that she was born 12 weeks early. She is my love and my life, even if her father is a complete loser. In fact, since she was conceived via IVF, I don’t even think of him as a real dad. It’s more like “the sperm donor” since he had to do one of his favorite things, aka masturbate to porn and deposit his stuff into a cup. He wasn’t in the room when I had the eggs put back into me, he wasn’t there for me for the bedrest {from conception to delivery} and close to 3 months in the hospital, and he wasn’t there when they were born. He also wasn’t mentally there for her until the past year when he started paying a little bit of attention to her, since he no longer had internet or TV access.Oh HH – I really don’t know what to say. I know that you could use a big group hug right now. We can’t fix things for you but we sure can support you in whatever you decide to do.
It sure sounds like you really need to seperate yourself from him. He’s got you all messed up. If you take him out of the picture for a while, like absolutely no communication for a week/month or so you can at least clear your mind and make some healthy decisions.
Truly you need a therapist who specializes in trauma. Likely you need an anti-depressant as well. These two things working together will help you to cope and think more clearly. I hope you will avail yourself to those things. If money is an issue you can check your local community/churches/shelters who often have referrals for you that won’t cost you a thing. Heck, they might even make house calls if you can’t get to them. Please look into those options for your own sake. nobody is going to take care of you but you. And you need some good healthy care right now. i wish we weren’t spread all around the country and the world so we could be there for you. But we are there in spirit and please know that love and prayers are heading your way.
(((HUGS))) cb
Dear Hurtheart:
I am grateful for your post. I don’t know what to say, other than how brave and amazing you are for what you have endured. I am sure the thought of a new life, brings both joy fear and perhaps anger. Sometimes hurtheart, it is so hard to find the good in these situations. I too yell at heaven and get angry at God sometimes, as if it is his will that I am suffering. But its really not so, it is just this awful world we live in and the demented choices SA’s make, that plagues us . Just as an alternative thought I had reading your post–perhaps the pregnancy if it makes it to fruition, is a blessing. Amazing your conception took place as you grieve the loss of your son–perhaps God’s kindness and replacement for one lost? We never know what joy a child can bring us and what greatness they could be as an adult. Given your reproductive issues, etc. –there may be a very special purpose for this child in your life, and in this world. God knows our SA “things” don’t do the trick in our happiness dept. Of course men are happy about it, they have so little to do with the birthing process and work involved most of the time, of course he is excited. A new life may bring you new hope and love in your life and a chance to focus on someone worthwhile– a new baby– instead of Mr. Roboto (hah). Please keep us posted.
Hearthurt,
I am crying for you right now.
Have to run, but I am so sorry for you struggles. You can get through this, we will help you. You will be an EXCELLENT SINGLE MOM, one child or more! There are many loving wonderful moms raising amazing children, with either absent, distant, or deceased fathers. You can make it!!! Love ya, B. Trayed
Hurtheart,
I came on here to “get over myself” because I know other women involved with SAs have it so much worse, and boy did your post set me straight! I will pray for you, that if you do manage to bring the baby full-term, he or she will be a source of joy to you. Is there no one you can stay with while you file for divorce? It sounds like at least he has a job, and he can be ordered to pay support even before the divorce is final in many states. Just letting him keep exposing you and your precious daughter to filth is so wrong. I am sending prayers and love your wayThank you so much my sisters. I went back to the doctor yesterday and had another u/s. It shows a sac measuring pretty much where it should, although my bloodwork is showing there may be a problem. Due to my history we’re keeping a close eye on it. I have been physically and mentally sick; having to harbor this secret, being in shock, having to stare at my SA and hate myself for having a “moment” with him which was pure BS; having to run after my daughter is in the middle of the terrible 2’s with my bum leg and feeling physically and mentally beat down; having absolutely nobody to talk to about this.
I’m so lost.HH,
You are very worn out for many reasons. I know you must feel very overwhelmed and I’m sure overwhelmed is an understatement. Please keep posting so we can help support you and maybe “pull you up” some in some way. We are “here” and “hear” for you. We all care about you, besides your horrible situation, would you share with us some things about you. You sound like such a neat person, please share if you feel comfortable.
love, napxxooHH,
I am so sorry you are having to bear so much of this anguish on your own. Please consider posting a new forum and let us all encourage you. I did that once or twice and, though it seems self-focused, I really was desperate for support. I stated my need and many sisters were there for me. I was so very grateful. One sign of maturity is to ask for what we need. (I am just afraid not many people will read this particular forum, and you won’t get as much support as you could. Also, you could post after me on here, and put, “see new post entitled PLEASE HELP HURTHEART SISTERS!!!”
And yes, as NAP mentioned, tell us more about you. We are interested and we care! Wish we could give you a group hug! Love and hugs, B. Trayed
Hi HH, I can imagine the pain you are feeling. Actually what has happened to you would be my worst fear. I did stop having sex with my h, part of it was the fear that i would get pregnant and that was the last thing i needed.
Like you i have had difficult pregnancies. I did not need invetro, have no problem with that, but i do have trouble keeping them in. My last two babies were diffuclt pregnanices. At 29 weeks my middle child was born much to early, contractions started, nothing they could do to stop it. She was/is a very strong baby. She was int he hostpial for a month visited her everyday twice a day, even though tthe hospital was an hour away from home and i had a 2yo in tow as well. My third baby was a fight to keep her in from about 15 weeks forward. Bed rest for three months, progesterone shots every week, All the drugs that were awfull in the hospital everytime i had stronger contractions that were regular. thankfully she ended up only being born two weeks early thanks to modern medecine.I was in an even harder boat because i am the breadwinner. so when i was on bedrest, we basically had no money. And for that to happen again with all this other shit, i don;t think i would be able to take it. The only safe way is no way. I got pregnant with my third daughter while faithfully taking birthcontrol. Sometimes these things are out of our control.
Anyway hh there is some postive. Atleast he will support you money wise and maybe you can have this baby. But then again if something happens and if you lose the baby i know you will be sorry for your loss. You have been through an incredible amount of pain and suffering. I hope whatever happens happens for the best.
Love,
FloraDear Hurtheart,
you are never alone, although sometimes it feels like we are. you can always post and share here- we support you. we are suffer this together. Remember the prize here – your health and your childeren’s health/well being. Your SA H’s issues, well those are his arn’t they? and while we cannot help but be affected by their madness at times, we can limit it. they are damaged and troubled men. long before we came along. there is no responsibility in that for you. Only you and what you want for your life. I hope you find help and assistance that you need — child care, therapist, prayer any or all three. please make time for you,
HH,
Here is a very big warm fuzzy ((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))) for you. I wish it was that easy to comfort you and to make your life better.You are truly in a complicated situation and I hear the pain and desperation in your post. There was a former member, Lori, who went through the invitro and so much struggle to make a family and her H was a total reprobate like yours. I am sorry for you younger women who still have to worry about conception with an SA.
You have a toddler and the bum knee and now this iffy pregnancy. Considering your odds are high that you will lose the baby based on your history, and you have all this added trauma now because it is a hard reality either way, have you made any decisions about your future?
Remembering about your dilemma during the surgery and recovery, you haven’t posted much about what you plan to do. Are you going to stay with him and endure this lifestyle? If you want a different life, have you been thinking about a way to get one? Have you narrowed that big idea down to some manageble goals, small steps?
Many times, women in difficult places get locked into it because of inertia. Just when she might get back to work or the youngest is ready for school, she has another child and her options stall out. Please don’t misunderstand me, I am not trying to blame you or comdemn you because you became pregnant, (I am so empathetic for you) I am asking how are you going to protect yourself and your future?
You are a smart woman. I hear your voice in your posts. You are in one of those trapped kind of situations, unlike some here with grown children and a job. Even if it takes some years of nurturing yourself and planning to make a better life for yourself and your family, are you able to begin to address this?
I’m asking because I haven’t heard you discuss any options on the list.
My heart goes out to you. I’m asking in love.
Debora
Dear Hurtheart
I am so sorry that you are going through this particularly difficult time, and I wish you the strength you need to deal with it.
I just wanted to say, please don’t hate or be mad at yourself for having an intimate moment with your husband – you were vulnerable at the time and he comforted you. You did nothing wrong. You have enough to deal with, without beating yourself up over what happened – it’s done, and it can’t be reversed. Be gentle with yourself.
Much love,
Laya
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