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I woke up angry this morning, and I know anger is hurt turned outward.
I am working on living in today not the past. I have to say things like “for today” I have a good husband, “today” I have etc….
I have never cheated, not in school, not on my taxes, definitely not on my spouse and it BLOWS my mind what people allow themselves to do. It’s like they are one level above monkeys with their immoral hurtful behavior. I just can not grasp the “how” behind their behavior. HOW do you insert your self into a nasty whore and be able to say you love your spouse at the same time….I do not get it…yes, they are ill, its a mental illness…..
My husband was asked if he loves me, by his mother, I think she would like us to divorce because I will not forget what hes has done, I want to tell her :
I do not want his love, his love is broken, what I want is his respect, his respect for me as his wife, his respect for me as the mother of his children, by god how about respect for me as a fellow human being!!! No, I do not want his love, his love is hurtful and selfish…brokenIt is so so sad to be married to a sex addict. The purity of our marriage is gone, never again will I wear a wedding ring, that is over. Today I have a husband who is trying very hard to be accountable. He tells me the thoughts that go through his mind and all the things that he thought about doing but he did not do, which is so very helpful to hear how messed up their thought process is. He thinks in horrible ways that never cross my mind.
Example: He has told me to never allow him to have cash around. He has asked that I do not keep cash on me or in our home. Monday night we were going to a court of honor for a kid who has earned his eagle scout badge. Our give to this kid was $50. I handed my husband the money, never thinking anything about it. Later, my husband told me, he had the thought that he could walk away from me as if going to give the money gift, but instead pocket the money. He had this thought. This morning I am going to write they mom to verify that her son got our gift, but my point is I/ we will be forever questioning our husbands, always have that seed of doubt. We will never have that comfort and peace that should come with being married.
I am really trying to live in reality, I live in fantasy way to much, living in the “wish” phase. I wish this never happened, I wish I could just win the lottery to be financially secure, I wish there were some way these man would be punished, I wish…..etc
BUT, no…trying to stay in reality. I have a husband who will forever struggle, I have a life where I will forever be on guard for suspicious activity and I must be the kind of woman who will follow through with verifying my husband and what he says.
I know my husband is 98% trustworthy, it’s that remainder percentage that will forever be my shadow, always there to nag at me, remind me to never be 100% trusting.ok..ladies…my soul is feeling better, this rant is coming to an end 🙂
Now to live a beautiful “Today” because it’s all I have. For today I have a husband to meet for lunch and two beautiful boys to begin a fun summer with.Well said, March!
Carriellen – thank you for sharing. Hearing about your h’s thought process is enlightening b/c my h. never shares anything so I really don’t know how he feels about things or what his temptations are, etc. To be fair, I no longer ask much (we’ve been separated for 5 weeks). I think you have a very realistic picture of things (despite the living in fantasy part – I think that is your coping mechanism). I’m sad for you b/c that doesn’t seem like much of a life. To not just not love your partner but to not respect him is just living half a life. I’m sure you know this and you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders but I just wonder how long-term this situation is for you? I would hate for you to get so stuck with dealing with him that you loose your sense of self. Anyway, venting here is good so feel free to do that as much and as often as you want!
Hugs,
ChristineLoved your rant Carriellen! It helped me so much to clarify some things I’m thinking. Rant away anytime Sister!
Love,
DaisyGreat job ranting carriellen! Please rant whenever the urge strikes you. THIS is the GO TO RANT place:)
I am sorry your husband put you in such a terrible bind.
You have every reason to rant, and you described honestly and clearly emotions we can relate to so well. For today, know you are respected and loved here.
Yes, it is sad being married to a sex addict. I think your h like mine is behaving because you are babysitting him. I don’t have experience to know if they would act out if they were on there own. I suspect they would, I just can’t trust anymore. I don’t want to have to worry about going away without him or even having a late night out. I think on their own they would find ways to justify their actions. We should not have to be gatekeepers.
Ranting is a good thing. It let’s us express our inner frustrations and hurts. Feels cathartic. I think life with a cheater is a tough one. They may never be who we want or expect them to be. Our marriage, which is suppose to be a safe abode is riddled with holes that may never ‘be fixed’. So to live with a cheater is to accept them as they are and that’s the hard part. ‘as they are’ is usually pretty messed up, immature, poor judgement and impulse control. And their thoughts, my gosh we can control other peoples thoughts. If their mind is headed for the gutter, there it goes……
Monitoring to that extent is not a marriage. If anyone wants to do it then it’s okay with me, but don’t call it a marriage. I understand the initial reaction of wanting to catch them, fix them, monitor them, patrol their thoughts and feelings…etc. That is true in almost every case. To continue that is painful beyond words to the partner and ineffective in stopping a cheater.
I personally just cannot do the ‘babysitting’ thing. I’ve already raised three boys to be fully mature, responsible adult men. I’m done raising kids, and cannot foresee a future in which I am monitoring the behaviour of a man-child on a constant basis. As for the sharing of thoughts, my skeptical side come to the fore on those rare occasions that my partners shares the things he could have/might have done but didn’t. It never sounds completely sincere, there’s usually an undercurrent of “look how great I am, I resisted the temptation” . Well done to anyone who can continue to endure the burden of policing their marriage or partnership but as said, I don’t think I can do that.
It’s not just a burden. It’s a complete waste of your life, which puts the body count at two, because his is sure as hell a waste. Then, you have to take into account the time and energy taken away from your kids because you’re worried/sad/depressed/crying/unable to get out of bed, checking his accounts, smelling and examining his clothes, analysing his underwear, scrutinising yourself in the mirror, afraid he’s thinking dirty thoughts about your daughters’ friends…Dad isn’t much of a dad, and now Mom can barely function. More waste, more bodies, more suffering because the sick prick puts fucking anything and anyone over everything. Fucking whores or watching porn or getting sucked off by strangers on craigslist means more to him than his own children. But, yes, let’s continue to contort ourselves and sacrifice all for a man who is really just a disgusting animal using his family to make him look human.
THe only good cop I would make is one with a gun and an arrest warrant – I am moving to Texas Bev all of my liberal instincts are flying out of the window – and we thought people couldn’t change:-)
I think the main stream, co-addict sex addiction treatment model sets women up to do just that. Become the accountability partner. How droll it all is….like asking a domestic abuse victim to maintain open dialogue with her abuser, about how often he feels like punching her in the face.
Of course, to be fair, many women initially WANT this sort of discourse, as it makes them feel more secure and in control of an out of control situation. After years of nothing but lies and deception, they see this “sharing of thoughts” as a sign of honesty or openness that was not present before. The husbands also seem to want to actively involve their wives in their recovery struggles. As most tend to view their partners as “mothers” anyway, they are happy to have her assume a parenting role in this new and different game. Though she is told to focus on herself if SHE wants any information, at the same time she is actively encouraged to become his support system and if need be, his sounding board. It’s ridiculous in the extreme, but then so is the entire treatment model. I cannot think of any other program on the planet that wants to put women in such a “down position” AFTER they have been subjected to such mental cruelty and emotional abuse already. Then they turn around accuse US of being codependant….. What farce it all is. Karen xxI’m with Meg. The only policing I will do is with a gun. I have made that “I will NOT do any of that stuff” abundantly clear to my H. I basically spelled it out in a language that a kindergarten student would grasp. He still thinks I give a shit ( tells me where he is going, what he is doing, tells me all the passwords to his phone etc….). Maybe he is trying to get a reaction? IDK….
I don’t react. I just say over and over “I don’t care. Fuck whoever you want”….
“How droll it all is….like asking a domestic abuse victim to maintain open dialogue with her abuser, about how often he feels like punching her in the face.” EXACTLY Karen!
I. Can’t. Even. Take. It. Seriously though. I can’t take it anymore. I hate that they call it treatment. Treatment for being an asshole cheating bastard? We are to support them in their recovery. May I ask why? Why? Why on earth should we put ourselves through that hell? I don’t feel sorry for them. I don’t care about their family of origin issues, I don’t care about the abuse they may have suffered as a child. I don’t care about their inner child. Having sex with hookers and other people besides your committed partner without their knowledge is NOT, in my opinion, a mental illness. It is a defect of character. It is a selfish act. I don’t know. Maybe there are unicorns and someone, one guy somewhere, might actually change, but I haven’t seen it in the wild. It’s like bigfoot.
Of course they call it a sex addiction. I’m pretty sure a man came up with that theory. If you think monogomy is unnatural, I don’t care either. I want to be in a monogomous relationship. If the person I’m with can’t do that. Fuck them.
I’m telling you, straight out, it’s not worth it. Find a lawyer. Leave them. The kids will be fine. You will be fine. Nothing is forever. If someday you want to get back together because you think he is “cured”. Great, go for it. But right now, let them work on their “recovery” alone. If you have to police it, are they really recovering for themselves? No. They are being watched like a bad child. They are doing it to keep you happy. No one has ever changed for someone else.
Get away from them. If he was punching you in the face everyday, hopefully you wouldn’t think that you could “help him recover”. Think of this as almost worse.
Get out of there. Get some space. You got to get out before you can see clearly.
Don’t let someone do this to you. You are all better than that. No amount of money or lifestyle is worth it. This is your life. This is your soul. This is your children’s lives. We only get one shot at this. Why waste another minute on someone’s dumb ass recovery. There are men/women in the world that will not cheat on you. That will cherish every fiber of your being. That would never put you in such a position. Don’t wait. You will not find happiness in the world of sex addict. You will just survive. I know you want to do more than survive.
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