I need help

After I posted this, I realized what would have been more articulate would be to share my husband’s written disclosure that he read to me a month ago when our therapist and his polygrapher met with us to do the “formal disclosure”. Again, it’s long and I’m sorry to be such a board hog. But I feel so fucked up. So confused and lost as what my life really is today.
Here is the disclosure that the polygraph confirmed as true:

Disclosure – May June 2012
I’m choosing to disclose everything to you because I love you and haven’t been completely honest with you and there will not be intimacy without complete honesty. After almost seven months since I first confessed my unfaithfulness, I am going to take responsibility for my past infidelity. You deserve to have accurate and complete information about the ways I’ve betrayed you and our relationship.
My desire is to share all the ways I’ve acted out my sexual addiction beginning with the different categories of behavior I’ve engaged in: masturbation, pornographic magazines, internet pornographic videos, adult bookstore videos, strip clubs, lust/fantasy, objectifying women, and having affairs.
I will give you a timeline of events that I denied ever occurred over the past 25 years which caused you to question your sanity and your gut instincts.
1986 – 2012: Throughout our entire relationship I’ve masturbated nearly every day in the shower. The magazines and videos I’ve viewed, the women I’ve objectified in print, video or real life, and even our own sexual relations, have provided the stimulus needed during masturbation. This behavior started before our marriage, dating back to my teenage years, and escalated with the advent of the internet.
1988: During our honeymoon consummation, I found myself acting out fantasy sex positions and even demonstrating exhibitionism in front of the open window as we made love.
1988 – 1998: I kept pornographic magazines hidden in the bathroom for masturbation and did not throw them away as you had asked until sometime after moving to Summit Ridge. On business travel to California, I would sometimes purchase a pornographic magazine, but would not take it home.
1990 – 2000: On two occasions, purchased in-room porn movies and even though the movie titles didn’t show on the room invoice, this activity was too visible on expense reports to repeat this activity.
1994 – 2011: Internet pornography began sometime we bought our first computer. Masturbation to internet video would sometimes occur during the day while at home and most often in the late evening before bed at the conclusion of online flying. My obsession with the online flying game turned into an addiction of its own and when coupled with my obsession with work, resulted in avoidance of time spent building a relationship with you and our girls. The isolating behavior at home turned my attention to furthering my self-serving sexual needs during the evenings at the conclusion of gaming when I should have been spending it with you or getting a good night’s sleep. The early internet pornography was limited to viewing and downloading pictures to disc or a CD. I destroyed these discs a couple of times but would be drawn back to the pornography and start collecting images again. During business travel to Seattle (2004-2005), I would masturbate to internet pictures downloaded on our home computer to a flash drive and would view them offline on the company-issued laptop. Starting in 2006-2007, pictures downloaded from the home computer were replaced with short video clips that were stored on a flash drive. Later the video clips were replaced with streaming internet video using the home computer and the flash drive images were deleted. I never kept pornographic images or videos on the either the home computer or work laptop and no longer kept any pornographic files after discovering streaming video (redtube). After discovering the safe browsing feature would not leave internet history or cookies, I began using the company-issued laptop during business trips to view streaming video. As I look back at the risk I exposed not just myself to, but our family’s well-being, is wantonly irresponsible due to the serious consequences of acting out on company equipment. Had I been caught, the potential impact to our family’s financial well-being and even the ensuing social stigma would have been devastating. The downloaded video clips were obtained from one website (tiava) that included a message board where people would post amateur pornographic images. I would eventually begin posting comments about the amateur pornographic images of other peoples wives and girlfriends and even considered taking pictures of you without your consent and posting – I never went so far as to actually do this and as you know, I did plot how to. Later I posted when and where I would be traveling to see if any couples were interested. While I never received any responses on this website, I did start viewing craigslist personal ads to fantasize about the people posting looking for sex in the areas I was traveling. While my website activity was limited primarily to tiava (later changed to kellyschat) and redtube, I did occasionally click on links to other websites to explore what was there and some required email addresses to gain entrance, but none provided the variety offered by tiava and redtube. I never signed up for any website that required a credit card although several would membership-only sites included preview images/videos. The pornography that I viewed contained heterosexual, lesbian, homosexual, bisexual, transgendered, bondage, S&M, and group sex between consenting adults – never anyone under legal age that I was aware of.
1994 – 2012: Aside from the gmail & bellsouth email accounts, I had set up several email accounts and passwords for the express purpose of gaining access to porn websites, dating sites, etc. These accounts were frequently forgotten about as they pertained to single porn viewing sessions when the sites I frequented the most became boring. Any contact with people using these accounts would have been minimal.
1990 – 2002: My frequent business contact with the Procurement and Contract departments included objectifying and lusting after several women. Although I never spoke sexually or made any advances physically towards any of women, I would fantasize about them during meetings. On one occasion, I traveled to Long Beach with one lady from Contracts which I kept from you initially. I did not physically or verbally solicit sex from her; instead I fantasized and objectified her during the trip.
2000 – 2001: The year is unclear, but I engaged in an emotional affair over a six month period which culminated in a physical affair one weekend in Ohio, I think in the month of May. During this period, I was unhappy with our sex life, your recovery period from sending Ryan to live with his father, and your weight gain – all of these were my problem that I chose not to address. Instead of turning to you to voice my concerns and desires, I turned to another. The following is my recollection of events that occurred and may differ from what you heard firsthand from the woman herself. While flying with the spouse of a squad member, the online chat that started innocently turned flirtatious. Eventually, we would meet online for private discussions commiserating about our marital problems. An emotional bond began to develop which led to sexual talk and masturbation. Contact shifted from the home computer to conversations during working hours and lunch time. We traded non-sexual photos of each other initially, but soon followed with soft porn photos via US mail and later photos of me ejaculating using a digital camera from work. I avoided using my work email although some non-sexual emails were sent/received (again I put at risk my job without considering the potential financial implications to our family’s security). We continued our contact using the shared images to fantasize and masturbate to during work hours – I would leave work and drive to a nearby park and talk with her on the phone. While I was being emotionally satisfied by the response I received from this woman, I was also giving her the same satisfaction – words of affection and lust which fed the fantasy affair. I had no intention of leaving my wife and kids although I led her to believe that if only I could. I knew that I could not turn my back on my children and wife especially not based on a phone affair and a few pictures. The affair ended shortly after she met me at an airshow the weekend following a business trip to Dayton. I met her at the airport and we drove separate cars to a restaurant to have a couple of drinks. We then decided to go to my room and engaged in unprotected sex, both orally and vaginally, that Friday evening. At one point, you called my phone and I stepped out to talk to you before bed. Afterwards, I continued to have sex with the woman. I believe we had sex again Saturday morning but I was beginning to feel guilty. We went to the Dayton air show and returned in the afternoon to the hotel and continued to engage in sexual activity although my fantasy had clearly diminished and I should have decided to call it quits then as I knew I had no emotional feelings for her, only for her body. I continued to have sex with her through Sunday morning thinking the fantasy feeling would return, but it didn’t. We parted ways at the airport and had continued contact by phone/email for about a month when I told her that I could never leave my wife and kids. I received an email from her about a month later that I did not respond to. I have had no contact with her since. I know that your conversation with her revealed more than what I’ve stated here and that I discussed your physical appearance and compared you sexually against her and I am truly sorrow for disrespecting you in this manner. I fear that she may have overstated the affair and my intentions as I used her for my own sexual satisfaction.
2011-2012: At my work place, I began a one-sided emotional affair with a female coworker. One-sided in that I did not engage in any sexual conversation or flirtation, but the private conversations about personnel and senior management behind closed doors were inappropriate. This familiarly would manifest over time as I began to feel important and catered to which led me to begin to objectify her and ultimately fantasize about her as I would follow her up a flight of stairs or objectify her across the conference table. She did observe me staring at her chest in her office once as I was standing over her looking at a document on her computer, but she did not reprimand me although I was embarrassed that I had been caught looking. One time I did touch her arm to get her attention in the company of coworkers, but this was brief contact of a non-sexual manner and resulted in nothing on her part other than to interrupt her conversation – it was also unnecessary physical contact that I know now was an attempt at enticing a sexual feeling within myself (which didn’t manifest). Upon reading about the characteristics of an emotional affair, I was shocked to find that I had engaged in one – This revelation would explain my behavior when you and Meredith came to my office unexpected one day. I felt guilty because of the emotional affair I was having in my head; having fantasized and previously objectifying her, your physical presence had intruded on my secret and I could not hide my discomfort. After recognizing my behavior and the seriousness of an emotional affair, even a one-sided one, I immediately ceased all contact with her of a non-business manner. I avoided her whenever I could. Encounters with her in the hallways or passing by her office area would be polite and professional, but not personal. She has noticed the distance but has not inquired why which is good. I realize the threat of an emotional affair and have absolutely no desire to pursue having an affair with her and I continue to avoid her even today. The incident one Monday morning wherein I left your side as we were walking out to lunch and leaned into the office where she and another woman were is baffling to me still today. I am uncertain what my motives were – spite, as Richard mentioned, supports my self-serving need to confirm what she was wearing as I wanted to prove to myself I didn’t know what she was wearing. This was the first time I sought her out since ceasing contact with her on a daily basis – this was hurtful and unnecessary behavior on my part as it destroyed the trust I had rebuilt with you regarding the emotional affair.
2000 – 2001: During the same time period as the affair (I think after), I visited the adult bookstore in Dallas we had went to once before we married and soon began taking an early lunch break once, maybe twice a week as work had slowed down. First to look at the images on the video boxes but later I would spend $5-10 I had saved up and masturbate to videos in the private rooms. One time I allowed a man to enter my room and perform unprotected oral sex on me. I did not reciprocate and left immediately afterwards regretful of what I had done. I had also visited another bookstore in Louisiana when driving alone to visit my parents. I would view $5 worth of pornography and masturbate, then continue on my trip. I did not involve anyone else during this activity.
2000 – 2002: During a business trip to Florida, I visited an adult bookstore twice to watch pornographic videos in a semi-private booth. I did not masturbate because the booths were not enclosed, but did masturbate until my return to the hotel room.
2000 – 2002: I would occasionally visit an adult bookstore in Fort Worth next to the liquor store we frequented. Here I would view the covers of videos and looked at the sex toys for sale, but they did not have video booths.
2000 – 2002: During trips to Louisiana to visit my parents, there was an adult bookstore off the interstate that I would occasionally stop at to view pornographic videos and masturbate.
2002 – 2003: On two occasions while traveling alone to Georgia, I stopped at a topless club for lunch and watched the topless dancers before going into work. This was one of the few times I had to spend more than I wanted to due to $10-20 cover charge to gain entrance. I did not spent any money on the dancers, but did spend time in the adult bookstore portion looking at the different sex toys and videos.
2008 – 2012: I have googled old high school girlfriends and wondered about how my life would have been different had I married one of them. I have never attempted to contact any of them and there was minimal, if any, sexual fantasy thoughts about them.
1986 – 2012: I brought into our marriage my habit of objectifying and lustful looking at women. Until recognizing this activity was sinful, I did not consider it adultery – only something men do that their wives do not like, but I knew it was still wrong and continued to do it anyway. It didn’t matter if the women were attractive or not or if her body was well defined or not, friend, family, or stranger, I would fantasize about their body. I believe I am winning the battle against this tendency to look and I recognize when I am doing it and stop, but it is a weakness that I must continue to overcome.
The financial impact to our family has been minimal and I would estimate I’ve spent only $200 on adult bookstore video booths. I used only cash I had saved up and never used our credit cards to purchase anything online or in bookstores. The potential impact to our family could have jeopardized our family’s well-being and our children’s education.
The emotional and spiritual impact to you and our family was more costly than the dollars spent on videos. I neglected to develop relationships with our children and build intimacy with you. I was often quick to anger, irritable, and did not communicate my feelings. Furthermore, I did not provide any spiritual leadership for our girls or us, relying on the church and you to teach our children.
In close, I hope I have not omitted anything that we may have discussed over the last seven months. I am truly repentant for my sins against you and I desire your forgiveness when you are ready to extend it. I want to have an honest, open relationship with you that include no lies or secrets. I believe I can be the man you thought you had married – perhaps a different man, one who loves you and does not forsake you by lusting after others. As our therapist has explained, I don’t yet fully comprehend how much my addiction has hurt you, but I want to understand and hope our recent conversations offer evidence of progress. As I am responsible for your pain, I owe it to you to help you through it as you have helped me find sobriety from the addiction.
We have spoken frequently of our shared desire to preserve our marriage, to learn to love and respect each other again, and to help each other become the very best of ourselves. It pains me to think that I squandered the previous years of our marriage – I really blew it and am truly remorseful for having done so. I do love you and am ready to begin the next phase of our life as two individuals who have joined together as one. With your help, I can continue grow in my faith and I hope that I can become the man you deserve to have by doing so. God put us together for a reason and it is my responsibility to lead us through the good and bad times, trusting in Him along the way.
Sincerely,
Your husband ****