- This topic has 22 replies, 12 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 6 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I have been keeping a secret, and it has been eating at me for months…….and I need your brutal honesty ladies, because I cannot see clearly.
Prior to discovering my SAH’s addiction, just as many of you probably did, we pretty much lived seperate lives, existed as roommates more than as husband and wife. During this time, about 6 monts ago I met someone else and fell in love for the first time in my life. I’ve never really allowed myself to have real feelings for someone else for a whole host of reasons-too many to get into now, and I’ve never been so connected emotionally with someone in my entire life. It is truly a wonderful thing….
And when I met this person, I never imagined this would happen.
Fast forward to July when I discovered SAH’s addiction. Explained so much about what had been going on with us over the past two years (prior to meeting other man)…..the continued distance, passive aggressive nature, etc. even after my truly engaging, trying to mend the hurts of our past.
Since July, my SAH began seeing a therapist, and attending sa meetings weekly. However, I did not really see much in the way of change from him and learned from you that this is quite normal when someone is ‘caught’ vs. wanting to change.
I kept monitoring his iphone without his knowledge and knew he was looking at porn still every other day which was down considerably from the 2-3 times per day etc. I decided to wait to tell him about the monitoring until he returned from his business trip in October.
When he returned, I told him all I knew, including some things I never disclosed to him when I initially confronted him and asked to see his phone only to discover what I anticpated, his behavior escalated while out of town.
I told him I wanted to tell him about my monitoring bc I knew from that point on he would erase his history, find another way to get his fix, but that I had to let it go because I was making myself miserable by monitoring him almost daily. That I needed to move forward with my life and my healing, and could not continue this obsession with his.
He cried, confessed more ‘stuff’ and decided to take recovery seriously. since then about 3 weeks, he has gone to a meeting every day and sees his CSAT once per week. He’s decided to remain celibate for the remainder of the year approx 90 days, and this time around I do see a change I have to admit.
With all this said, I still don’t trust it will stick. (ironic using trust as the spouse in love with someone else) I believe he has the best intentions and wants this not to be a problem for him and that he is giving it all that he can. So now to the need for brutal honesty…..
I cant see clearly bc of my feelings for another man. I try to take him out of the equation to determine if I would try and work this out if he werent in the picture, and I continue to come up with the same answer………………..
I would try, probably for a long while, but in the end I dont think I will be able to trust sah and be fulfilled with our relationship moving forward. and sometimes I feel like with all the baggage my sah and I bring to the table, neither of us will really be able to have an open honest real relationship with each other…………..
The one thing I have learned about opening my heart to someone is that I dont want to settle for anything less.
And so I cannont believe I am about to press post, but I have got to be smacked into reality ladies, I need your advice, brutal honesty, or if you just need to tell me to get my head out of my ass please do, but gently 🙂Dear anna,
I really love your honesty. My first thought after reading your post was if you truly are in love with someone else, why would you want to see things through with the man who has a sex addiction, do you still love him enough to do that? Would you stay to hold your family together?My next thought was, are you sure this new person in your life isn’t playing you and doesn’t have the same problem as your H? The only reason I ask is because I don’t know the circumstances under which you met or fell in love, and all that, but all SAs are so charming and believeable that they can con us into a situation we never thought we would enter. Just wouldn’t want you to get blindsided by someone who wasn’t genuine. Guess I’m thinking along the lines of a sheep in wolf’s clothing.
Those were just my first thoughts that popped into my head.
Love ya dear, LindyThanks lindy
interesting thoughts…..
we do have two small kids and coming from divorced parents i have always thought I would stick it out no matter what, so this is the biggest reason Ive stayed and contemplate staying besides the fact that I cant afford to leave right nowWith him really trying to recover, I feel like I owe it to the family to try to work it out
Interestingly Ive probably felt more emotion for my sah since finding out about his addiction than I have in years. I think it is very much because like cindy put in an earlier post, I see this wounded little boy, who is fearful and trying to deal with things the best he can, and I want to take care of him, and help him through this…
Adds to the confusion, but dont think it is enough love to continue to deal with this addiction and relapses.
I appreciate your cander on ‘the other man’ potentially being a wolf in sheeps clothing, but I trust him, and know him very well. And would not leaving for him if that makes sense. I have no idea how all of that would work, but it def has clarified what I want in a relationship and does seem to crystalize how difficult the road with an sah can be.Anna, I have similar story and understand much of what you’re feeling. I also felt so much more for him when I finally learned the truth and saw him for the wounded and tortured soul that he is. Shortly after someone entered my life that is everything that he isn’t – strong, brave, and honest to a fault. I met him on a trip with a mutual friend who unwittingly clued me in that I only knew the tip of the iceberg and I came apart in his presence. I’m very private and wouldnt ordinarily let on to anyone that anything is amiss but I had my first partial disclosure a few weeks before and my defenses were exhausted. He assumed that I was “outta there” because who would stay…right? Not so simple!… for emotional and financial reasons. He has backed off but been a good friend. My point is that he is too smart and has too much integrity to try to create something with a woman still living under the same roof as her h. It’s hard but I respect that at the same time. And integrity is something I will never take granted again. Please tread carefully.
I second Lindy here. Tread cautiously with your new love BUT if i had a chance with a man who was not an SA or whatever it is these dudes are…I would grab on with both hands and go for it. There is a certain insanity to trying to make a marriage work with men who are not even able to tell the truth? You seem young…..the chance for love comes less frequently when you are older. Seize the day….
Karen xx
I agree with Lylo about the integrity.
Also, given your situation and vulnerability at the time of meeting this new man, I would be afraid that your interpretations of him and your own feelings are skewed.
Lastly, part of his true recovery is transparency and honesty. That is a two way street.
Hi Anna,
I think some other sisters have similar stories, and i have said before that prior to me finding out the secret, i was looking. I never found anyone, but had a good opportunity arose, i cannot say that i would have turned it down. I was looking for intimacy with someone, as my h would not give it. He had already hurt me so much and i felt so far apart, that just prior to d-day i was ready to ask for a divorce. Because something was wrong, really wrong, and i just could not figure it out. but i could feel this yearning for a real relationship with someone who would care for me, honor me and have the utmost respect for me and be a partner with me.However, i do think you need to be careful with someone who was willing to engagne in a relationship with someone who is married. Often times some men choose this scenario, because it could never be more. If he is married and you are married, there are alot of obstacles here.
The other thing that i think you may need to face is that you no longer love your h. I think many of us have love for them an compassion, just as our kids, but are not in love anymore. How could we be really?? After you put someone through the ringer, lies, betrayal, disrespect…the love is gone and broken. And the love them like a little boy is not true love, its empathy and love for someone who is hurt. Kinda like when we see the ASPCA commercials on TV with a homeless abused dog, everytime i see a commercial i want to run out the the shelter and adopt one.
So what can you do next. If this other guy is married, he must be unmarried or seperated to move forward. Is it possible for you to both do trial seperations from your spouses, and then see how it goes.
Some people say not to tell, i say if i was in your h’s shoes i would want to know. I think its only fair to let the secret out. And maybe a trial seperation may be good after that. Taht way you can both process stuff, independent of the others needs and wants. It may be the best thing that ever happened to you, or the worst. But remaining in this limbo state is not good for either of you.
Good luck Anna.
Love,
FloraOh yeah, he could use that against you. I know they say that in divorce it is no fault, however when i got my 50 page document requesting info to prepare for court in my divorce….they asked pretty much everything about you. Including did you have sex with anyone else while married?? As well as alchohal abuse, gambling etc. However no questions on sex addiction. Its basically 50 pages to try and dig up dirt. However if she gets to this point and gets the questionnaire…she must have to lie…and these questions could be under oath??
I guess the next question is what does she need to get from this divorce? Because she is teetering on the edge.
Morals and values wise, i would tell. However like march said it might not be a good idea, with impending divorce. But if she wants to really make it work with her h, and move forwad i think she should disclose. That is what the sisterhood is for, hearing all of the opinions.
Good catch march.Flora
Ty ty ty ty ladies for each of your perspectives and advice. I appreciate all of it. I am hopeful I’ll be able to move forward making better decisions than I have in the past
the other man (om) I met through my work. He does not work for my co, we met through a client. He is not married and has no children. He coaches the sport he played in college and is around kids often. Very good with them.
I hadn’t really thought about his integrity or lack of it from an integrity standpoint his being involved with a married woman and need to give it some thought. I think I hadn’t thought about his bc look at me I’m the one who is married and falling for someone else. It’s all so fricking confusing.
I’m pretty certain I am def not in love w my husband any longer but I do have love for him and it is unfair that he not know that, and that I haven’t been honest with him about it
at this point I don’t plan on telling my sah about the om but if I decide to stay in the marriage and work on it, I will bc we can’t truly move forward without me doing so. Should he decide to use it against me I say so be it. Use it against me that I was dying inside for true intamacy and fell in love w a good man and u paid for prostitutes. Cheating is not right on any level, I get that but think he would agree watching porn for hours on en and paying prostitutes might be a different level of wrong
again ladies, ty so much. So much to think about. And apologies if the post makes no sense. Doing it from phone an can’t see all that I wrote. XxooOh and so you all don’t think I am a complete nut (little chance of that I know).
Om and I are about to take a three month break. No talking or seeing oneanother while I clear my head. He is not happy about it but understands it is what I need to be certain the choices I’m making are the best for me. And he doe not want me to have regrets if we end up together. It is the hardest decision I’ve had to make bc he has been a light in all of this darkness. But I’ve got to begin living my life for me, be present in the life I have in order to gain a clear head. The last thing I want is to use him to esccape the reality I need to deal with. Wow I really needed to get all of this out. I literally feel lighter. Ty ladies.Oh honey, my story is verrrrry similar, except that my ex-BF IS a sex addict and incapable of loving me, or anyone else.
It is easy to fall in love with an affair. First of all, you are not seeing the ENTIRE person. Believe me, when I tell you, that if you were in a REAL relationship with this man, that you would see a very different person.
In addition, like the others said, what kind of a dude takes up with a married woman? Its a red flag, hun. This could very well be a man with some substantive emotional, intimacy issues. I mean, you are “safe” from the C word.
And you’re not a complete nut at all! Hey, we all are! But your h did, as did mine, ABANDON me, physically, emotionally and intimately– completely checked out.
So, you were left wide open… (haha!) for another man to move right in. It is normal, because most of us DO have a strong innate desire to be loved, accepted and cherished. And to return that, in kind. And it took me a long time to accept that, about my situation, as well.
About the other relationship… I would stop seeing him, altogether, until you either decide to stay in your marriage or leave it. If you leave it, then you can date him and see where you stand. I see that you are planning this and I know it won’t be easy… but please know, that what you see, is not the total sum of ALL that he is. not even close.
(((hugs))) L
My rose colored glasses are on strobe here. I feel while it’s very romantic and meets a definite need right now, it’s not nor is it meant to be a long term thing. As others have said, his willingness to be involved when your marriage is still in question is a warning sign. Not to say this is all bad. Maybe just a way for you to feel loved and cherished as we all admit is so absent in our SA relationships.
Knowing how fast and far I fall in presence of a (seemingly) honest caring man I would keep my distance as a matter or self preservation. Had I kept my distance just 6 more months with my current H, I might have know the truth BEFORE I married him and my children loved him. I would have saved all this heartache and painful realization I’m back to less than zero in so many ways.
Lynng, I dated my SA for three years before I married him, plenty of time to think you know someone…Who would ever imagine a man would marry a woman with three kids, bring another child into the world, and do this to them?
The fact that you are opening yourself to us and exposing a truth, shows that you are willing to make yourself vulerable and you are open to learning.
Thank you for your bravery.
My internal reaction is one that brings me an alarm. I am trying to learn what these internal reactions mean and pay attention to them. For so long I stuffed these feelings down and painted over them by not honoring that they meant something more than what they do. It is almost like a trigger that makes me fearful. I think sometimes I felt these things during our marriage but pushed them away. I don’t want to do that anymore.
All I can say is that I feel something that is not right with your situation with the other man. Please understand that I am not judging you at all, I am worried about you with this. Please be careful and let yourself be fully present with your inner being. Protect your self right now because you are in a vulnerable time in your life. Slow down and let yourself recover from the blow that resulted from the discovery.
I only wish you the best. Again, I want to applaud you for your candor and hope that you know that my words are meant in a supportive light. Please continue to share your truth with us and trust that we will try and provide guidance with love.
CindyDear Anna,
I just wanted to reiterate a “tread carefully” clause here with the interest in the new person– our feelings are often overblow or enamoured when meeting someone else, who even has a pulse, if we think they could be better or normal, or honest, or whatever.
I want to share something also. Prior to D day I worked with a younger man that I ended up having a HUGE crush on. It did not go away easily, it the connection was mutual. No moves were ever made, but boy did I fantasize about it!! After D day, my crush made sense to me, almost a DUH, no wonder why I was feeling these considering what my H was upto. Whether “known” at that point or not, something was way off in the marriage. I would be attracted to tree trunk, if it paid attention to me and was nice.
Also, Anna, time will tell. I am now 18 mos later after disclosure, and revisiting divorce again. And you know what, it has nothing to do with my former crush. There was a time I wondered if my feelings for someone else were at play. Attractions and crushes are wonderful antidotes for our current pain. We can guilty of “medicating” also. We can easily idealize someone to be all that our SAH’s are not.
My advice? IF this man is for real, he will be around once you make a decision on your own, solely and indepentley. I can honestly say, since my “crush” has ended due to natural causes, that if I divorce, I don’t even think I would date him now. And I thought i was in LOVE with this guy– all gushy goo goo. He is still a friend, and a man I like. But not relationship material, if I ever get out of this mess I am .
Annie, keep friend at bay, and don’t go there. Focus on what you want for you and your children- if you have any. He will be there when you are free to be pursued, if he is for real.
Also– I wanted to add that typically people can make really BAD decisions when on the fence about a marriage. My cousin, married 18 years, divorced her Husband for many reasons, unhappy a long time, never home-felt neglected, etc. She finally pulled the trigger. She had an affair with contractor. Bought a house with him and moved her kids and his under one roof. Guess what? He was an SA!!! And was so everything she wanted at first. He was a horrible and abusive SA nightmare. Had to liquidate home, move kids AGAIN. Let’s learn something here– it is fine to choose a different path, that doesn’t include staying married. But we must be aware of how vulnerable we are. We are so so vulnerable, especially when disclosure is fresh. We can easily attract the wrong types of men. Honestly, why is he so attracted to you? You are married. THink twice. Then think a third time. Before you get involved. really, its that important
Hi Anna,
For basic good emotional health, you should end one relationshiP before you start another. As Dr. Phil says we should never look outside the marriage to fix a marriage problem. The third party only complicates it and therefore massive cinfused feeling, which I think you are having.As Lexie said so well affairs aren’t real. It’s not real life so each of you aren’t getting the true picture of the other. Day to day life is real. Affairs have a fantasy quality to them which maybe fun and exciting but not a true picture.
My opinion is to end the om until you decide what you really want. If you decide to divorce your h, separate, then maybe you could date in a more healthy way.
If the tables were turned how would you feel? It’s actually ironic that you check up on your h while you are having an affair behind his back. Doesn’t it sound crazy when you think about it. Also most affairs cause much pain eventually to all when they are discovered and indirectly to your innocent children.
Anna I say this all with Love. It’s your life, your choice and always wish you the best.
Love, Nap
Again ladies appreciate your candor and honesty. Is why I posted in the first place to have reality and perspective.
In the case some of you did not see the additional post. The om and I are taking a break with no communication for at least three month so I can address the very things many of you bring up, not idealizing someone for just a pulse and paying attention to me etc. I understand I am vulnerable and could be easily taken advantage of and do not want to go from one relationship to another. This om thing has crystalized what I do and do not want in a relationship whether it ends up w the om or not.
And nap yes I do find it ironic the checking up on sah given what is going on with me. It is what it is.I totally get it. And I am so not the “other woman” type. Nothing ever happened for the first 20 years of our relationship/marriage… until… this guy, that preceded predator (my SABF), actually, a predator in his own right, saw an easy target and moved right in…
Not only was I lonely, lost and vulnerable, I was shockingly naive. Oh, my savvy-been-around-the-block neighbor, (a dozen times) 😉 tried to tell it to me, like it REALLY was (and boy oh boy, was she right!)– but no… this was “kismet”… “fate”, “soul-mates”— L O V E
blech!!!
I thought that this man actually “loved” me, and that *I* was “special.” I thought that I was “special” to predator too. Obviously, they were special to me. I genuinely cared about both of them, and they both treated me like a POS.
I fell for that puppy dog longing look, that “seemed” like a man totally besotted with me. Its what I craved and longed for and finally, I had found the holy fucking grail. (sorry, not meant to be blasphemous, in any way)
uhhh… not exactly. What I found, was that once I was roped in, that is when the “fun” started and then, I became a foaming at the mouth, obsessed—idiot. just horrid!
not a pretty sight, and also, not very much fun to live with myself, either!
Thank God that’s all over!
xo ~ L
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.