I needed him to………

I needed him to hold me and tell me that I was going to be OK.
I needed him to love me. I needed him to feel bad for hurting me. I needed him to assure me that he loves me. I needed him to understand that I was in shock, and that I was afraid of what I had found out about him. I needed him to understand that I was angry. I needed him to be patient with my tears. I needed him to want me more than anything else in the world. I needed him to want our family more than anything else in the world. I needed him to tell me that no matter what, he was going to be there for me. I needed him to tell me that he would wait for me for ever. I needed him to tell me that he was willing to give up anything just to be with me for the rest of his life. I needed him to show me that he wanted to be with me. I needed him to show up at my door and tell me that he wanted me. I needed him to fight for me. I needed him to come over to the house often, even if it appeared that I did not want him to. I needed him to risk his own discomfort or possible rejection because his love for me was worth more than the hurt of rejection. I needed him to show the same kind of drive to win me back that he has for his business. I needed to be number one for once. I needed him to send me cards and letters telling me how sorry he was. I needed him to look at me tenderly. I needed him to reach out to me. I just needed him to be with me because he wanted to be with me. I needed him to understand and be compassionate about how his actions affected me. I need him to look at me with love. I needed him to be gentle with my broken heart. I needed him to understand how broken I was. I needed him to take care of me. I needed him to treat me with extra special tenderness, like a bird with a broken wing. I needed him to prove to me and to everyone that no matter what, he was going to love me. I needed him more than ever in our marriage to show the strength of a man. I needed him to wait for me. I needed him to want what is best for me. I needed time to heal. I needed time to understand what happened. I needed him to appreciate that I was working on getting past the pain. I needed him to show our children how a husband should treat a wife. I needed him to show our children how to make amends. I needed him to show our children how much they meant to him by fighting for our families togetherness. I needed him to show our children that human beings can make mistakes, but they can also make amends. I needed him to show our children how much he loves them and how much he did not mean to hurt them. I needed to feel like nothing else mattered in the whole world other than him and I being together. I needed him to fear that I would not love him. I needed him to fight for me because he wanted me to be his wife. I needed him to show that he was not going to give up on the hope that I would love him again. I needed him to talk to our friends and family members. I needed him to ask them for advice on what to do to help him win me back. I needed to know that he was going to do what ever he could to show me that I was who he wanted to be with. I needed to know that he wanted to take care of me. I needed him to know that I was not perfect either, but that was OK with him. I needed him to understand how scared I was.

But how can I ask someone of these things when he is filled with so much shame of his actions? How can I ask these things of someone who is not in an emotionally mature place? How can I ask these things of a little boy in a mans body? Could I expect a three year old little boy to understand and reach out to me? If I caught the boy next door stealing cookies, could I expect him to understand the fear I had in catching him in my kitchen? No, he would not understand. This little boy would react in fear when I screamed in panic from finding someone in my home. He would run out the door and tremble with fear of what I would do to him. If I did get a chance to talk with him and I yelled and cried, he would not have the emotional capacity or intelligence to handle such a reaction in me.

This is what we are dealing with.

This immature reaction fuels our confusion with what we are dealing with. We really thought we were married to an adult man, and for many parts of the marriage, we were. We attribute his lack of ability to be present with compassion and support to arrogance and an addictive mindset. We are sure that he is so self centered and unaccountable that we try even harder to show them our pain. We want with every fiber of our being for him to be the man that we thought he was. We almost want him to treat us as delicately as if we were a three year old little girl that was scared, injured and hurt.

A three year old little boy can not be there for a three year old little girl.

Once we are aware of this, we hope and pray and encourage that three year old little boy/man to get the help that he needs to learn the emotional intelligence that is needed to move beyond this. We love this man and we want our families to be together. We watch in agony as we realize that the man part of who he is defends and protects that little boy inside of him. That little boy part plays to big of a role in his patterns of coping skills.

And so it goes……………………………………………………………….