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I see a divorce lawyer today. I feel guilty for making an appt. I just had to go sneak into his desk and get the tax returns for the last two years. He was supposed to go to work today, but is instead going to work from home. I don’t want to see him and all he shows me is his puppy dog eyes and how sorry he is. This is all about him. I had to sneak into his desk after he left to go get blood work done for his STD check. I feel so weak.
Don’t feel weak and don’t feel guilty. YOU DIDNT CAUSE THIS….HE DID! I applaud you for seeing an atty….
Prepare for fallout next….once he sees he can’t win you back, he’ll get nasty so get ready.
That’s in the sa play book too.
Hold your ground and do not engage, I repeat do not engage, unless it’s over household stuff or kid stuff.
I believe one of the biggest mistakes we partners make in all this is insisting on holding so tightly to our own values in this situation. We want to continue to be honest and transparent with these men, want to continue being our genuine selves, perhaps under a misguided illusion that our honesty will transform them or that it will save us. It won’t. At least not while we’re with them, especially not in the early stages. If you want to hold on to those values, play by those rules, then you’d better get out fast. Honor them AND protect yourself by escaping the war zone. If you choose to stay, however, understand that the old rules don’t apply. They never did, you just didn’t know it. Do whatever you can, say whatever you must, to learn as much as you can about what he has done and is capable of. Try hard not to tell him what you know or how you feel, because everything you say can be used as a weapon against you. He’ll use your grief, your love, your confusion, your anger, and your declining health to manipulate you. You stand between him and his substance of choice. You have the power to unmask him to the world. Make no mistake, he sees you as the enemy. He has BEEN your enemy all along.
You don’t know how strong you are, but you will. There’s steel inside you that will lead you out of this mess. Just keep treating yourself as if YOU actually matter. Do what you would tell your friend or daughter to do. Remember your future is at stake. If he wants to change himself that’s his work to do and your love won’t make any difference. He’s already shown you that it doesn’t. You just keep looking after you because NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY else is.
Good for you. Do not feel guilty you are doing the RIGHT thing. He has put you in this position and does not deserve you. Go to the attorney, get stronger, learn what your options are and how to protect yourself.
Go Girl!Lost, I was in the same boat as you. I remember my therapist telling me to stash some money away . I felt so guilty. He told me not too because I needed to take steps to protect myself. Now I wish I stashed more! I gave SAH the benefit of the doubt way too long. And yes, mine did the puppy dog eyes too. What I know now is while he was doing puppy dog eyes, he was still acting out. He was also plotting behind the scenes financially ( deferring income, hiding cash) just in case we divorced. Yep, I fell for the puppy dog eyes. Please, please DONT do this to yourself! I never in a million years thought he would be so kind to me yet do this stuff behind my back. Now I wonder how I could have been so dumb. Of course he was able to fool me. He has done it our entire marriage!! Protect yourself, girl. That is the best advice I can give you.
jesus march- so fucking right! there is something sinister to these men!
Wow. I should print that out and show that to my therapist or when they want to get me into ( co-parenting therapy!)Anyway lost in the hollows- you are doing so great! you really are! this is so very painful and hard for sure- but really this is such an important choice you are making- it’s a matter of life or death in a sense, not to be drastic but March is right!
Big hugs sister! <3
Thank you all for your help. I went to the atty yesterday. It seems I have a much better case than I thought. I live in CA and was so worried I was going to get screwed. I felt so empowered, it was wonderful. So I get home and am keeping all this positive energy to myself. I am not giving the slightest hint that I saw an atty. I am home for no more than a 1/2 hour when wartass approaches me with how he has been thinking hard about this, he does not see hope for this relationship and sees how much he’s hurt me, he will give me no fights about the divorce. He realizes he is going to owe child support and half of daycare and the kids health ins. And then he spills “I think our problem is our sex drives just did not match. I am not a sex addict. I need to just think of myself as a single guy, living with a nice lady until we sell the house and divorce”. He is still going to see a new therapist next tuesday to discuss this with him, and see if he does have a sex addiction. My response was “what you are not thinking of is you put my life in danger, this is beyond just our sex drives don’t match.” WTF now he is in denial? I am focussing on the positives this divorce is not going to be a fight because the law is on my side, I will be ok. I slept tonight without the pills I am so relieved. Thank you all so much. I’m so blessed to have found you. It’s through your experiences that I know I can’t stay. I truly feel it takes more strength to stay than leave the marriage. Hopefully he lives up to his promise and makes this easy.
LITW, I’m glad you feel good about your visit with the attorney. And of course your SAH is in denial. I don’t think very many of them ever let go of their denial, honestly, and very few treatment programs and CSATs actually ask it of them.
I hope he doesn’t fight, LITW, and go ahead and stay hopeful, but prepare for otherwise. Because what too often happens is that they are “nice” as long as they get their way. But if you dare stand up to them on anything, then look out. dr e told me he would treat well in the divorce because “I would always be the mother of his children” (barf) until I required protections for my son (who dr e had exposed to porn on at least 2 occasions; dr e had also been downloading porn with my son and contacted a hooker while chaperoning boy scouts). The he got mad- he swore he was in recovery and had never been any danger to Bat, threatened to kidnap Bat, accused me of showing his porn to Bat, accused me of adultery and asked for more than half the assets and no spousal support…
So just watch your step. Start making copies of everything now. Keep a journal of your interactions. Save all texts, emails, etc. If you are in a one-party state, you can record your conversations without his knowledge. Be very careful about what you say to him, play it close to the vest. Put some money away- do you have any money and/or credit cards in your name only? Sign your kids up for any activities they are interested- as many as they can handle. I’m sure others will have other advice on things to do. You just do not want to be caught off guard if things go south.
And remember, these guys are really good at faking being nice while doing otherwise when your back is turned.
Oh…make sure your computer is password protected. Change your passwords if you haven’t lately to something he would never guess. Do not hack into his accounts, computer (federal law). If he has given you passwords, you are okay.
Lost (no more),
It took a lot of courage to see the lawyer and get the information you so much needed and happy to hear it was good news. You are smart to do what you are doing and especially for not sticking around in ‘the swamp’ because that is where these guys live. It’s pretty yuky as you well know and they contaminate everything they touch. They are sooo manipulative and lie so much ignore anything that comes out of his mouth. Just keep focused on yourself and your children like you are and you’ll get through this.
Love, Napxo
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