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I will start. I came to a realization that I often rely on other people to validate me. Perhaps I never learned to do this for myself. I was teased and humiliated by own family, for as long as I can remember, so whatever I did, I felt it wasn’t “good enough.” I was never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough… anything, enough.
I was punished unfairly and humiliated for the tiniest infraction. (like making a face at my father’s disgusting eating habits). So, I learned to be the “good girl.” “high achieving.” Extra credit? sure… I’ll do all THREE options. After all, can’t have enough “extra”— just in case, I fall “short.”
So, how does this present itself today? I’m better now, I think. God only knows I’m not shy about presenting a differing opinion, here
lol, but I’m still sensitive to ridicule, or negative criticism, if it feels unjustified; my skin is still pretty thin. And then, I still question whether the other person’s criticism is valid or not. I am willing to accept blame when I realize that I’ve F-d up, but still tend to go to the other extreme, apologizing for my very existence. sorry, to be taking up your time, your space, your air… just sorry… anyone else ever feel like this? afraid to be an adult, afraid to stand ALONE?So, how does this tie into my life and marriage, today?
I married a man who was stark raving bonkers MAD ABOUT ME. And maybe THAT is why I married him. Well, not the only reason, but the most compelling one, because a man that was nuts about me, would surely never hurt me, or betray me. But then, gradually he stopped being mad about me; I felt like it was “my fault”, even though it really wasn’t (it was about his own low self-esteem and other factors, such as isolation, and our difficult children) and without him being mad about me, his own depression, inability to support our family, there was nothing left for me to appreciate about him.
I was madly in love with my husband, but it was because of how he was with me. My first clue that things were cooling? Our first kiss, when we were pronounced “husband and wife”… I laid a passionate one on him, and felt him pulling back…
I’m not sure if I ever kissed him ever again.
and I LOVE to kiss……………………………..
🙁
I am still trying to figure out what it is in my personality that attracts these guys. This is the 4th man with a sexual addiction. My first husband was Schizotypal personality disorder. Can’t really take credit for anything there. I was 15 when I met him and 17 when I married him. Was married for 28 yrs-should have gotten out of the marriage 10 yrs. prior, but stayed to get the kids through highschool. It paid off because my therapist told me that I was responsible for them turning out well.
Married the second one on the rebound from the first. He was also an SA, or had some deviant problem. The psychologist gave me 5 things to pick from, but would not give me a definitive diagnosis. They were prostitution, porn, child porn, affairs and/or other stuff like massage parlors, etc. Divorced him after I found out. Was with him a yr. and 9 mo. only.
Dated another man who was a sex addict and was into d/s like Steve-only they weren’t 650 lb. women.
Was married one other time and found out after divorcing him that he had affairs with his students, and was fired for being lazy. (Was a PGA golf instructor). His main problem was laziness, affairs, and mama’s boy.
I was single for 10 yrs. and then met Steve. You obviously all know the story about him. Think he has the personality and physical characteristics of my father. In this case, I am probably living out a script from childhood-trying to connect with someone and make him” right” like I could not do with my Dad.
Steve has devastated me more than the others-no problem getting rid of them when I found out their issues. Just can’t seem to get over Steve, even though I know it is a dysfunctional relationship. Never loved anyone like I do him-that is why it is so difficult.
So, in a nutshell, I am stuck!! I am always the one with great insight, I know why I do what I do but then can’t seem to do anything about it.Wow Lexie! I am so glad that you started this group because I have wondered some of the same things. Especially, “is there something in my personality that he picked up on, something that would allow him to get away with his crap for so long?” I definitely am a person who likes to help others and I do find that I put others before myself. I still do that, except with my SAH lately because of anger, hurt and the fact that I don’t think he deserves it.
Oh and by the way – I love to kiss too! We had a lot of kissing in the beginning, but they eventually turned into dry kisses on the lips or cheek or my forehead or top of my head. We would go through long stretches where that was the most action we had aside from hugging. I question why I put up with sweet hugs and kisses for so long when I am an affectionate person? Sure I knew I loved him, but in the last year or so I have been questioning if that was going to be good enough for the rest of my life.
aaaaahhhhhhh! So many questions!!!!
~Shaken
Hi Lexie and Shaken,
Neat group and very insightful I will need to give this some thought before I post.
Love napLOL! wait, at first I thought you meant the siren on the rock… no, that was taken last June on my son’s 21st birthday. I was so happy that day. 🙁
but thank you for the compliment. good skin genes plus a really good hair colorist and a BLOW DRYER, with a BIG FAT ROUND BRUSH! (that was for JoAnn!) 😉
Lexie, I was thinking the same thing as NAP–that is the most beautiful picture! Thank you for forming this group. I have a lot to say. I’m going to save it because I’m feeling really sad and tired tonight–maybe sleep will help.
Love, Julie
Dear Lexie,
Your husband is TRULY INSANE girl. 🙂 I think this is a FABULOUS idea for a group. I am SICK TO DEATH of only thinking about these sick men. 🙂 We do need to shift the focus to ourselves BUT will have to give it some hard thought? What role do we play….so we can avoid playing it EVER again? 🙁 Karen xx
For me, I wish I could say it was the perfect storm and maybe it was, I don’t really know. I think I was at the wrong place at the right time. Old boyfriends were so physical and though it’s flattering and nice, my h was different and I think that was the attraction for me. He was a bit aloof and mysterious and he really intrigued me. Then of course he knew just when to charm me to close the deal. He was handsome, funny, and a hard worker. I fell in love and l the while he had his secret life. Well, as time went on red flags we popping up on occasion however I either ignored them or just thought nobodies perfect. I knew I wasn’t.
We had a life together but something told me very naggingly something wasn’t right and I just couldnt figure out what it was. He was moody, seemed angry alot for no reason, restless, just plain miserable. Add all the passive aggressive behaviors and the pushing away behavior, and going “oh shit”. Then the rages would come and go, things would get broken, holes put in walls, then he’d get mad and leave for a few days or a week and never call me by then I’m WTF???
I had two small children and being quite concerned sighned us up for marriage therapy which he would eventually poo poo and quit going all the whe unbenoust to me I’m married to a full blown addict and have no idea.
Looking back and know where I am I think I have grown slot with the help of an excellent therapist and SOS andy dear friends here. I’ve learned it’s much better to be on my own than back in a really bad relationship. I learned life is unpredictable so I have to be open minded. I have learned the end of a bad marriage is a good thing. I’veearned that peace of mind is worth alot. I crawled out of the hole I was in and saw the sun, smelled the flowers, heard the birds..
my life, I’m exited about it and thankful I was able to see clearly so I could move forward.Much love, Nap
yes, i hope that you’re feeling better, ZG… i know that late at night is my most difficult time too. (((hugs)))
wow! thanks for all of the compliments guys! (gals) 😉 I have to keep smiling, because when I stop, it all begins to hang a bit looser, now… and I learned early on, to “work the dimples” LOL, God gave all of the boobs to my sister… and He has explained it to me,
“Seconds before I was conceived, God suddenly went oh FUCK!!! (God has a filthy mouth, ya know… YES, I was surprised too!) I am sooooooo sorry Laurel, I had NO idea that your folks were going to have another girl, and I’m feeling badly about that, but here’s the best I can do…” and He stuck his thumbs in my cheeks, just before I was shipped out.
My husband WILL concede that he thinks that I’m “attractive” and then goes on to say— but, its so much more than that! That of course, hurts me even more, because what he’s saying is that he thinks I’m a cunt.
I am now, for sure, but I do not think that I was during our marriage.
I am still trying to figure out about my finances.
That’s the practical side of things.
But, the emotional side is so severely damaged. Why did my husband feel it necessary. My husband may have been depressed. (he still is), but IF he had the ENERGY to go after all of those other women, why o why couldn’t he come after me?
that’s hot. when, he’s being lusty and wanting me, how could I resist that? but he didn’t and for me, what is so difficult is understanding why someone would do that to me and wondering if it WAS me? because that’s what i do.
I don’t have anything else to base it on. I have never had another relationship with any man. He was the first one! And for most of it, I really wasn’t at all, unhappy with him. If I wasn’t unhappy with him, and I was giving him a surprise trip to Las Vegas, followed by a surprise birthday party for 20 at his favorite restaurant, what on earth was I doing that would cause him to seek out the company of OTHER WOMEN???
And what’s to stop some other dude from doing the same thing to me? If my belief system told me that this man had so MUCH integrity, and was handling his job loss and difficulties with the children, with the most gracious acceptance that any human could have…
then… how am I to ever truly to know what is going on inside a man’s heart and head?
Okay… yes, my h did not pay attention to me. He did not touch me, and he had no desire to make love to me… but I did not desire him either. He became phenomenally UNATTRACTIVE to me, so is THAT part of his problem, or MY problem? If it is something in my make up, then perhaps that is something I need to address.
Nap, something you said, really struck me… “He was a bit aloof and mysterious.” YES!!! its like, HE’S paying attention to lil’ ol’ me??? I must be SO SPECIAL!!!
I am actually thinking more of predator here, because I think that your h is much more like him, than like my h. But, my h also made me feel special in a much more honest, real way.
I think now, going forward, I will certainly pay close attention to my inner voice, which I DID hear with both the composer and predator, but I RATIONALIZED it, as “this is just a friendship on the side,” “it doesn’t matter”, “I’m not going to marry him”.
I married my h because I felt SO SAFE WITH HIM. After my hideously abusive childhood at the hands of my psycho father, I chose a man who was the DIAMETRIC OPPOSITE.
but was he?
i think that he’s just as sick… just as abusive, just not physically.
I WOULD’ve gladly worked on any issues… i just thought he wasn’t into sex much and was stressed about the kids and having no support as was I…
but I would’ve worked with him… I would’ve been a sexy on-line slut if that’s what it took.
I DO great skanky ho.
sure I do… I can put my fingers up in wet places, TOO and SQUIRM with regret over his having to take all of the “culpability” (ho has a good vocabulary) walk around butt nekked (if its warm enough)… I could even conspire to “put one over” on the little, dumb “wife.”
myself.
but… i don’t want to do that either… i want to love and be loved… so trite, i know… and in so doing, it could mean having some fun… playing a game, acting out a fantasy… putting one over on the “wife.”
but i guess its so much easier AND gratifying to find a babe who will do that for REAL.
🙁
Lexie loved your dimple story. You could be a creative writer you’re very talented. God gave me boobs but then for kicks put dimples in my butt! Kinda ashame because no one gets to see them…….:O
Oh, you are so, so sweet Napster! wait, hold on a sex, i mean sec… lol
—yes, God? I’m writing to Nap, can it wait? Oh… I see… okay, thanks, YES, I’ll tell her! yes, yes, love you too, muah!…have fun! see you at bed time hun… 😉
Oh, sorry about that interruption, but God wanted me to tell you not to worry… he has big beautiful plans for you, Nappie. Sorry, I tried to find out more, but… he had to dash out for his Sunday evening poker game and its his turn to bring the beer! 😉
Thanks for your kind words, Lexie and Nap. You sisters can always boost my spirits. I’m really having a tough time with weekends and nights….hmmm….the times when my SA is around more…is there a lightbulb going off, anyone? 😉
Love you girls!! XOXO
bingo, bingo!!! same here!
my h was away on a biz trip last week… 2.5 days i did not cry, even once, while he was gone. I felt at “peace”, “calm”, “positive”, not euphoric, or anything like that.
I mean he wasn’t hit by a mack truck! 😉
zg could be funny how everything gets so much brighter. must be we are getting stronger or smarter hell maybe both.
much love kattLexie…mack truck…my laugh of the day (at the expense of your SA…sorry!)! You all crack me up and make me feel better when I need it most.
((((HUGS)))) to all of you!!
ZGI’m so glad Zumba… ya know, I used to make my h laugh like, that— ALL THE TIME!
Now, the best he gets is:
“have a nice day, asshole!”
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