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OK, long story, I’ll try to do the Cliff Notes version. My h is a SA, has OCD and has been sober in AA over 20 years, we’ve been married 5 years, my 1st his 4th. Can I pick em or what?!
Three years ago I found out, from texts, (she sent one just as he asked me to show him how to do something in his phone!) about a relationship he had going, he says only a friend, no they haven’t had sex. I was devastated, tears, promises & counseling.
Last year, I find out again, different gal, he says same thing. I leave for a month and I go back after much pleading promises. I demand regular SA counseling, couples counseling and I learn to have better boundaries. Looking back I should have also demanded an increase in pre-nup, I’m nearing retirement age and that would have been a good idea.
Last month, I decide to check his texts, they are still in touch! So f****** enraged. I decide to keep quiet, not easy, continue to check his phone and keep track of their texts so I know the depth and WTF is going on and it will give me time to make a plan. I’m want to document it all as his MO is deny, lie and minimize when confronted. I put the messages I’m able to see in my journal and you wouldn’t believe the venting along side it, well yes you all would. There was no sexting but who knows about phone sex, something we used to do when I lived across the country.
They were texting all day long, I didn’t catch them all as he was good about deleting them and he has an old school phone, so no way to retrieve any. She is in the town where our winter home is and is using our pool, omg she has been to and goes to our home!!! He knows something is bothering me and keeps asking but I make excuses.
I make a plan to leave next time he goes to town (in summer we are in a rural area and an hour from town). Thats exactly what I did, why stay and confront him to just have a lot of drama and lies.
I left a note, printed out the previous week of my journal rather than write a 10 page letter about how and what I knew, took my dog and drove south towards our winter home. He called and called begging, I never answered.
I took my time heading south and rented a beautiful little for 2 weeks just going to yoga classes, Al anon, hikes, journaling and reading about SA and a dear friend visited a few days. All this helped greatly, but I still no plan beyond that.
I’m at our winter home, now what? Make a plan to move out and rent a property in the same state until I get things figured out. Thats complicated, most are empty and I would have to buy furniture, all require at least year lease etc.
Every time I look at the pool I get even more angry and just yesterday started feeling territorial. I love this house, I planted 3 new trees last year, I’m in middle of redecorating a cool room for myself. Let his ass find another place to stay and she can get her own f****** pool.
He arrives back next week.
This week I’m going to counselor I love. I’m thinking my ass is staying planted right here, why should I be a gypsy? He is the #%@^#* that ruined everything.
I appreciate all you sisters sharing your stories. Thank you. I also am so grateful we don’t have children and am financially stable (at the moment). I know I don’t have it nearly as tough as many of you, more power to you and love your way. But I thought he was the love of my life and now?….I guess life goes on.
Francine,
Sounds like a great plan and you don’t owe him any explanations. He knows. Enjoy!!!
Love, NapI love it Francine! Actions not talk. I wish I had your courage 5 years ago.
PS your heading scared the Pee outta me. I was screaming noooooo inside. I thought you meant staying with him.
You’re handling this in such a smart way.
He already has someone, that’s clear.
Glad you are moving on but I’m sorry for the pain.
It’s awful.
Francine, you are handling this beautifully. i agree with Nap, he knows. There’s nothing more you need to say. the more we engage with them the more confusing it can be for us, and the more it feeds their soulsucking egos.
ps – i am glad you’re choosing to stay in a space that you have created and love. remember that no decision about space is irrevocable – so maybe just feel it out for a while. i stayed in my apartment which i love after kicking my SA out, it feels right now and i wasn’t going to cede the space, but it took months of trauma healing/EMDR before the apartment itself and stuff in it lost its ability to trigger me intensely. i worked through it with the support of a great therapist.
Thanks for your support! Yes, I’m feeling strong at the moment but you gals know how that goes. But it does feel good to have a plan of action.
Yes, hate her. We live in a small town, glad I’m not seeing her around. Trying to resist the urge to drive by her place. What would I do anyway? I’ll keep telling myself why waste my time on a flake?
Ok Francine. I’m a little confused. When you say he arrives back next week do you mean back from business OR back to your winter home where you are??
If I were you I would not stay where he can reach you OR change the locks so he cannot get in. It sounds like he has been involved in an affair with the same person for some time….I’m not completely sure why you think he is an SA as opposed to just your regular run of the mill cheater? (I’m not always sure there is even a difference with many of them?) Of course, that might be the parts you didn’t bother to put in the cliff notes. 😉 Anyway, that does’t matter. The fact is he has an affair partner and this is round 3. IF you stay with him you can most definitely expect a round 4,5 and 6 and so on. So your decision is whether you want to remain with a husband involved with someone else. Those 2 are playing you. The only decision is whether you want to play back or not? If you have the financial resources, get rid of him OR choose to live looking the other way. If you don’t have the resources – see a good lawyer immediately and find out what you are entitled to in a divorce. Don’t talk to him or let him near you unless you are inclined to do the promises, counselling drama thing all over again. I, personally, do not recommend that. You will simply get more of the same? Look up the Chump Lady online. She has your situation down cold and will probably make you nod your head vigorously. I understand about the love of your life part. We all do. I am sorry to tell you it was not real…..as it was not real for any of us. We ALL thought we were living in marriages that did not exist- not to our husbands anyway? It is a bitter reality to accept, but so is doing discovery and discovery over and over again for the rest of your life. Don’t give up anything you don’t want to and do not give your husband and his trash gf the time of day. Neither are worth it. The only thing he is worth is how much you can get out of him in a divorce. Hugs Karen xThanks kmf. He is headed to our winter home in AZ, I’m here now. Already told him to find another place and got no resistance, he’s never seen me this intense and he is prob thinking he can suck me in again.
I thought about choosing to look the other way thing and finding someone on the side for myself, but I’m too angry and that would just feel weird to me. Yep this is round 3 and I would have to undergo a lobotomy to believe him again. Maybe I’ll go buy a toaster in case any varmints show up, good idea Kim.
So sorry you have been through this, he’s an idiot. Nothing I can add that the sister’s have not said except that I admire you for printing out the texts when you left, instead of writing a letter. Smart. So many of us have written long, heartfelt, explanatory letters that they just didn’t respond to. It is just one more thing unresolved. With your approach, he is slammed with the facts and you haven’t put yourself out there for him to gaslight and blameshift. Kudos.
Francine, It sounds like it’s time to end it to me. Spend all that time and energy on someone/something you love. I’m glad you told him to get out, and you are figuring out what you want to salvage (as in, your home). You deserve better from a relationship.
Thanks lynng2, after I left it I was actually back and forth on if I did the right thing leaving that. I actually printed out my journal for the previous week, all the texts were in there, along with the pain and venting, he got an eyeful and knew exactly what I went through.
Yep, time to end it, theres 50 ways to leave your lover OR 50 ways to tell him to leave! I have to let go of what I thought the rest of my life would look like. If I try to picture my life a year from now I can’t quite see it. But this week and next yes, I know what I need to do. Thanks Teri and all the sisters for your thoughts. xoxo
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