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I am wondering if any of you can relate to this:
My husband and I have been married for 26 years. I am no spring chicken, and although I don’t always recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror, I don’t think that I frighten anybody who looks at me yet!!!!!!
Having said that, even in our earlier years together I think that I was a jealous person. I just felt like there was such a reaction in him when a woman was around that obviously intrigued him. I would watch him as this overwhelming power swept over him and he would be looking this woman over. At first I thought I was just jealous. I told myself that I was insecure. All men look at woman. I even look at men, so what is my problem? Something inside of me told me there was something different, but I never knew what it was. At some point during our marriage I found the strength to call him out on it. I would ask him if he would like to go talk to who ever it was that he was interested in. He would tell me that I was crazy. He would say that he was not looking at that woman. He would look like the cat that swallowed the canary. I just remember blaming myself. I remember telling myself that I was so insecure and that I need to get over it. I would do internal work on myself to be more accepting of who I was. I spent years beating myself up for not loving myself. How could I feel so threatened by him “just looking” at other woman.
Now, to find out that it had been more than “just looking”, I am so _________________ (I don’t even know what to call it, fill in the blank for me). Now I find myself reviewing the past and feeling those feelings of jealousy. I am so sad that I let myself down. I did not trust in myself that what ever was happening when he was looking at those woman, that it was deeper than “just looking”. So now I am wondering if the reason I was so jealous is because deep down there were sirens or something trying to tell me that something was wrong. Instead of confronting him, I turned it inward and believed there was something wrong with me. Am I crazy to think this way? Was I really just jealous and insecure, or was it an intuitive reaction to a deeper issue and I was not strong enough to trust myself?
I remember at some point when we were getting older (we are in our 50’s now), I would tell him that it was embarrassing for me to have him gawking at a younger lady. I remember when I was younger and a married man was checking me out, I would be so disgusted with that man. I felt like that man was such a low life to be gawking at me while his (wife or girlfriend) was standing right there next to him. So I would tell my husband that the woman that he is looking at knows that he is looking at her. She is thinking to herself that you are being rude and disgusting. I told him that he thinks that he is getting away something but that he is not. It puts me in a very demeaning place to be that wife of the husband that this woman is thinking this about.
Can any of you relate to what I am saying or have I really lost my mind?Hi Cindy,
I know! I can relate. You are not the only one!!!!
i had the same issues. I thought i was jealous. But i kept noticing him doing it once in a while. To the point where i get distressed when I see a women that fits his MO. I already know he has spotted her. It is exhausting. My SA was even checking out women at Disney last year, the happiest place on earth right. I could not even relax there, because of him. Some girl (and i mean under 18 girl) checked out my SA husband and he checked her out as she walked by. Called him on it and he says he does not know who or what I was talking about. So then they try to make you be the nutty one.But here is my point. If I notice it, then others do. You are a married man and this is disrespectful and it is not right to be staring at every hot women that walks by and you by no means act like you are married.
I see hot guys too, but I see them and it ends there. With the SA it does not. Little did we know. But i think that is why we got that jealous feeling. Also they are always doing it. I never felt like I was enough for him.
My breaking point was the SA wanted to go to a bachelor party in Montreal! I could not stand it, did not want him to go. Had awfull feeling, told him i did not want him to go. He was saying whatever he could to go, did whatever it took. Despite my wishes he went anyway (should have dumped him then). I did not know he was an SA then. But then I learned that my wishes were not important, but i spun my thoughts to say that i was just being a prude or controlling. Low and behold…he is an SA. Really what was being displayed to me then was his lack of respect and empathy. His parents wanted him to go, eveyone wanted him to go; I was the only squeeky wheel, so i thought it was me.
I did the same thing. If we had all the cards when we were dealing with these issues..things would have been much different. But instead we were lied to.
Don’t beat yourself up for turning inward. Yes, it is ok to feel jealous when he is gawking at women. Maybe you weren’t as jealous as you were embarrassed or mad. But he was responsible for his actions. How you reacted is independant of what he did. It was how you could deal at the time. there is no right or wrong. But i hope stop beating yourself up.
I have been feeling like a liar and a loser because of my husband’s actions and I am starting to shake that. It still creeps up and haunts me that his actions are also a reflection on me. But I can’t control his actions and behavior nor could you.
it does make you feel crazy but you aren’t. 🙂
Cindy, it’s been 2 months since D-day for me, but the 1st time I went to a psychiatrist wasn’t because of that, I went there a month earlier because I thought I was borderline or had BPD. Like you, I have always considered myself a jealous person (it was only recently my phyciatrist stressed my depression stemmed & was heightened amongst other things by a very difficult pregnancy and a re-organisation in our company where I almost lost my job, then the baby blues.) Our 1st year was very turbulent with me showing all the symptomns of having BPD. I was jealous, suspicious, angry to the 10th power and have been finding reasons, any reason to break up with him. Unaware then, I just couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong.
He broke up with me then, I cried profusely that I thought I was going insane. I couldn’t function. He has played several mind games. Went back together last October on the premise that I take care and control my BPD (although the psychiatrist wasn’t convinced I had it.)
Now I know why I was acting that way, it was woman’s intuition (again heightened by several factors enumerated above). The feeling that something was off. When I found out, my mind went I WAS RIGHT! But my heart died. And I thought I WAS the sick one. I am now being weaned out from my meds as not experience withrawal syndrome…
The sadness does consume my heart and I think about him everyday. But he had no remorse, no apologies, no contact since that day I found out.Cindy, it’s been 2 months since D-day for me, but the 1st time I went to a psychiatrist wasn’t because of that, I went there a month earlier because I thought I was borderline or had BPD. Like you, I have always considered myself a jealous person (it was only recently my psychiatrist stressed my depression stemmed & was heightened amongst other things by a very difficult pregnancy and a re-organisation in our company where I almost lost my job, then the baby blues.) Our 1st year was very turbulent with me showing all the symptomns of having BPD. I was jealous, suspicious, angry to the 10th power and have been finding reasons, any reason to break up with him. Unaware then, I just couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong.
He broke up with me then, I cried profusely that I thought I was going insane. I couldn’t function. He has played several mind games. Went back together last October on the premise that I take care and control my BPD (although the psychiatrist wasn’t convinced I had it.)
Now I know why I was acting that way, it was woman’s intuition (again heightened by several factors enumerated above). The feeling that something was off. When I found out, my mind went I WAS RIGHT! But my heart died. And I thought I WAS the sick one. I am now being weaned out from my meds as not experience withrawal syndrome…
The sadness does consume my heart and I think about him everyday. But he had no remorse, no apologies, no contact since that day I found out. (and at least I know I’m not crazy ;-p)Hi Cindy1111,
I swear after I read your posts, you are married to my husband! They sound so much alike and all the feelings you describe are feelings I have felt too. Its so wierd. For me, after I found out my husband was a SA (discovery 3 months ago), all his previous behaviors that I felt “uncomfortable” (for lack of a better word) with now make complete sense. All these described behaviors we all experience with these men, fit under the umbrella of their sex addiction and likely underling personality disorder(s). Before I knew he was a SA it was very hurtful to me. Now, I know it has nothing to do with me. Cindy1111, it has nothing to do with you either. Its typical when we didnt know we questioned ourselves, our looks, anything related to our womanhood. Ill never forget years ago when I asked my husband about his gawking at other women, if he found me attractive, his response: “I wouldn’t have married you if you were ugly”. That pretty well sums it up.Here’s another twist to this behavior: My husband of 35 years has always been jealous of most of my friendships – men, women, straight, gay – didn’t matter. I always thought it was very strange and wasn’t in the least bit “flattered” by his reactions. I just ignored his “tantrums” and continued to make friends. Yet he was always looking for validation, superficial friendships, from other people. How odd. I’ve come to realize that the root of his behavior started long before I met him – mainly a very emotionally abusive mother who created many, many emotional problems for him, such as low self esteem, isolation issues, abandonment issues and a sense that if anyone really got to know him that they would ultimately find out that he was a very damaged and worthless person. It is almost never about us. My husband has kind of realized that his behavior is but one of many symptoms of his emotional problems. He has always said that he is more in love with me with each passing year but has always, unmindfully, questioned why I married such a deeply flawed person. In his mind, there must be something very wrong with me because I fell in love with him. He has many wonderful qualities and that is the main reason I’m still married, at the moment anyway. Pretzel logic is really hard, almost impossible, to understand, for a halfway normal person. No wonder SAs make us feel like we are crazy! And that’s why God (or whoever) created support groups and therapists.
Thank you for all of your responses. You all do make me feel better.
Here is the really weird thing that I realize I am still doing. I am STILL in denial about what the heck is going on in my life. Please don’t take any of this personal, I don’t mean anything to any of you when I say this. But here it is:
I can sometimes read things and somewhere deeeeeeeep down believe that “Hmmmmmmm I am sure there must be a difference. I am sure that this really isn’t happening. It is just a coincidence that I have so much in common with you” “right”? “Any moment, my husband is going to come to his senses and prove to me that my wildest fears are REALLY not true. “
I am sure that he is just in some kind of weird crisis and at any moment he will come home and prove to me that he is not crazy. He is going to tell me that this whole situation was just a crazy mess. He realizes how he has hurt me. He feels so bad for hurting me. I am the most important thing to him, and he is willing to do anything to help me to believe that.OK, OK, OK, sooooooo I really do sound crazy now, RIGHT?
Thank you all for helping me to see reality. Time to step out of my fog. Time to put on my big girl pants.
dang!
Cindy,No I don’t think you’re crazy…I’ve been married to a SA for 35yrs and I still think at times I’m in denial and some day he is going to come to me and say how sorry he is for how he betrayed me all these years,we’ll kiss and make up and all will be well…If I wasn’t in some kind of denial I don’t think I’d be writing this..I can relate to what you said..take care
Hi all I read your posts and know I’m not the only one who feels this way . I hate and will avoid going any where with him. I hate watching t.v. with him too. Its gotten to the point I have almost given up on us. I feel like if im going to be alone then I want to be alone doing it.
Katt..I could have written your post above..exactly how I feel..except I have given up..just figuring out my next step..
oh wow, this really struck a chord with me. As I was reading through this thread, the tears were running down my cheeks as I recalled all the times my husband made me feel like I was the most insignificant and ugliest person on earth. How it made me feel small, embarrassed and deeply it hurt me. I also remembered how he would get angry at me, saying he was not looking at anyone, I was paranoid, jealous and needed my head testing.
In particular I recall the romantic weekend in Cologne my husband had aranged for our engagement, which turned into a weekend from hell, due to him not paying me any attention whatsoever but instead watched (stared) at every woman walking or sitting nearby. I can’t even continue to write about it, as it’s still disturbing me. Suffice to say we didn’t get engaged that weekend, nor on our second attempt a few weeks later.
I honestly do not know which insanity caused me to marry this man…..and, I wished I would have found JoAnn and her Crew a lot sooner! Still, I am counting my blessings, I am here now and feeling better already after only a couple of days of readin – though it makes me sad to see you all suffering so much pain. May God bless each and everyone of youMortified,
I feel the same way. I was lost and listless for months until I found the married to a sex addict site last summer, and then I became to come about. I bought into the co-dependent role, i bought the books, did the 12 step meetings on and on. But something really felt wrong about all of this. But when i found JoAnn’s site, i found home and found the answers to what i was feeling. And at the point was when I began to feel better and become stronger myself.What do they say…listen to yourself. My self told me the co-dependency theory is still way off. Really i think we are in recovery of the greatest deception in probably all of our lives, that is what we are recovering from. Yes we can look back and maybe see some signs of how we got here, but the true deception is the lies and the betrayel from the one who you thought “loved you”. But nowhere in those books do they talk about the deception of the relationship, i think for many that is the biggest issue.
Hi flora,
Yes, I think it’s adds to the pain and feeling of guilt many of us wrongly feel and also adds to the confusion. Before I came to this site I also found that the sites were all geared around getting help for the PA – or to tell us spouses/partners about the tough time the PA is having and how we can support them. It’s all about THEM – as indeed it is in their own warped mind too.
I actually volunteered to moderate a virual self-help group for partners/spouses of porn addicts but ended up leaving because we were not allowed to say anything negative about the PA. The problem as I saw it was, that the proprietor of the forum was earming her money by giving online consultations to porn addicts or even the couple. After a while I quite honestly felt it was a con, although I am not disputing that it wasn’t helping the PA to realise that he had a problem that needed to be worked on. I just got sick of having to make excuses for the PA…and not being allowed to let go of my anger. So really, it just made matters worse, because you were told to hang on, to understand, to fight for your marriage, to support, to love, to forgive and give more of yourself…and I didn’t see the same demands being made on the PA – so I told them, quite literally, to stuff it! That was about 2 ywears ago and most of the time since then I have spent crying and trying in vain to get some practical help so I could get out of this house. I do count my blessing though. For one, I have found this wonderful site and all you lovely souls in it , which is a true God sent, and I am receiving a Psychological Therapy in a specialist clinic as in-patient within the next couple of months, which will be for a duration of 6-12 weeks and I won’t even have to pay for it. So hopefully I will be able to move straight on after that. Don’t know where I am going yet but I WILL be going for sure!
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