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I’ve been wondering about this for a while and curious about your opinions.
If my STBX SAH’s penis fell off tomorrow and so he was literally physically incapable of “acting out” any longer, could our relationship ever work? Could I ever forgive the past and move on – knowing that he could never betray me again?
For some reason I have been stewing on this a lot. For me, I think the answer is no, because he deceived, manipulated, betrayed, and emotionally abused me beyond just the sex acts with other people themselves. He looked me dead in the eye and lied about his activities many times. He minimized and justified the unjustifiable. He let me sit at dinner with my family and hang out with one of his mistresses, let me help her find a job…all the while knowing that he was fucking her. He knowingly withheld information about STDs from me knowing he was putting me at risk. He encouraged me to believe it was my sexual “inadequency” (basically just not being a porn star, we had plenty of sex) that was the problem, all the while knowing he was paying other people for sex.
I’m afraid that’s an indicator of a deeper PD, or at the very least a frightening lack of empathy.
I think what I’ve arrived at is the penis activities are the symptom. But remove the penis and it wouldn’t cure the problem. I think I am making the right decision in leaving.
What do you guys think if your SA’s penis fell off?
Hope I don’t sound like Lorena Bobbitt here.
You are correct IMO. Leave. Why is so hard for us too see how awful they have been. I was unable to get it until he made destroying the relationship his primary aim. I learned the hard way.
I was naive and way too trusting. Too saintly. Don’t let it happen to you.
Desiree
Clare,
No penis. No difference. It’s the arrogance, entitlement, and perversion that will never ever go away. There was no penis involvement in the worst porn I saw for SA, just a woman being mutilated, sex organs first, for a group of fully clothed men looking on with mild interest. No penis necessary. He’s past that.
I’m past him.
You can go back one forum page ( I think) and pull up my e-mail to my h and read it…
I said if God appeared to me and assured me there would be no further betrayals and my H would be perfect, I would believe God but I still wouldn’t forget what my H has done….
Don’t know if that helps you or not but it was honest…
And, my h is swearing he will do ANYTHING I want or need him to do. He is being “perfect” and saying he understands why I don’t believe/trust him. He is actually speaking to me in human talk and I am still pissed as hell….
Even if they never ever screwed another person, in their mind they were, when they were looking at porn or creating profiles online or whatever. The cheating in their minds happened before the cheating with their dicks. So if you are OK with him cheating on you every day – only in his mind then by all means stay. That would never be good enough for me. I SO deserve better then that!
Not unless his eyes were gouged out the same day his penis fell off.
Only then could I truly deal with him.
ClareK
You guy is really awful. I think your instincts are correct. It’s not an appendage problem, it’s a fundamental core being problem.It was not about the sex. It was about the lies and betrayals. But if his penis fell off, he would probably fall off the planet because he would have nothing else to hold on to.
thanks lynn….I know I do but sometimes you need to hear it 🙂
Glad you are back posting…hope your break was helpful 🙂
the lies, betrayals, manipulation and verbal and emotional abuse are really what have devastated me. even without a penis, that would/could continue.
besides, i’m a woman who is fully alive. what good would a man without a penis be? no good. which in a sense is DW, because i have NO interest in his dirty overused penis.
Lynn – that story is horrific. It is disgusting and disturbing that porn makes men feel like pain and abuse is a turn on. I am sure my H watched things like that, but thank goodness I didn’t have to see it. That makes me want to throw up big time.
My break was enlightening, thanks Bev. I am learning more about what I really need, what really makes me tick, and why STBXSAH just will not do. Period.
Sex, that’s another story. But I’m with Lisa on that. Who wants it now? After all that? Even if another man never touches me again, I will feel sexier and more fulfilled without SA around.
Ya gotta love this place, where a normal day involves ‘if his penis fell off.’ 🙂 I think their penises are the least of their problems, Clare, and that you’re right in that it’s just a symptom. I don’t think mine has been out penisifying in a year and a half, but it’s the way he’s been after the fact that makes me wonder just what planet he’s orbiting. I’ll give him credit for trying, but he’s just so farking limited.
Yes, Nap And Clare, the brain. It’s all in the brain. If your h is a fantasy go, it’s all in the brain. Clare, my husband had to use Viagra equivalent to have sex half the time. That’s kind of like having your penis fall off half the time. It wasn’t about sexual needs, it was about fulfilling fantasies played over and over and over in his head. You’ve got some serious complaints that he brought this woman right before you. That’s just sick to the core. Something like that happened to a friend of mine. Her SA made her sit at a concert the sex partner was giving. Put my friend right up front, ten feet away from the sex partner. SICK!
Mine asked what it would take for me to stay. I said, “Chemical castration.” But he passed on that one.
There is an actual chemical castration now, if anyone is wondering. Heard it on the news recently. A child molester had requested it and was granted it by the court as he went to jail.Oh Yes…I have also been subjected to the ones he was f–king…in my bed…I always feel obliged to add. Mine pestered me to go to a new beach bar he had discovered while I was away. Finally. I went along to see it as there was very little to do where we lived. Guess who was serving me my drinks???? None other than his latest and the one he picked up about 10 days after my son almost died on an OR table. Yeah…..I don’t think they need a penis removal (though in Asia cutting off the offending member of a cheating lover is incredibly common- especially in Thailand). They need a soul transplant because that is what appears to be missing in these men. No soul? No compassion, no conscience, no empathy, no commitment, no nothing. IMHO.
ClareK I don’t know how you’ve stopped yourself from cutting it off yourself! Lynn I would want to pour acid into his eyes for looking at that horrible porn. I’m so sorry you had to see it.
If my husband’s dick fell off it would make no difference to me. I would be glad he couldn’t use it again but only as punishment not because he couldn’t cheat on me.
I’m in Bev’s camp on this one. The hurt is there every day from the moment I wake up. I will never be able to forget or put it aside. That is my reality. Even if we could move on and have lots of happy times and there was no cheating there is always that gigantic elephant in the room with us. I will never have any peace.I love you sisters, wow. Thank you. I’m just coming out of the fog so sometimes I still doubt myself. The validation that I’m not crazy is so helpful. You just rock!
Karen – I’m so sorry your H exposed you to the woman he was fucking too. That almost hurts worse than the infidelity itself. It’s just so heartless. “Soul transplant” – you nailed it. And I’m sorry to hear about your son…I hope he’s OK.
Penny – you’re right. It’s the brain. Much harder to fix.
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