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Just got off the phone with a PI who is going to the hotel where my H is supposedly meeting his boss. If you’ve seen any of the other forums, you read he’s on administrative leave at work. Up until 7:46am this morning that was the story. Then, suddenly H says his boss called him last night and wants him to do a training for a new guy they are hiring. At a hotel.
Right.
So I called the hotel while H was in the shower. The boss does have a conference room scheduled there. BUT I also know that H has met prostitutes in that particular shopping/hotel center off the interstate. So I called this PI, whose office is just down the street. $500 to check it out? What, I told him forget it. He said, no, no, just hang on. Send me the description, etc. and I’ll call you back.
So, I”m all excited like it’s Christmas or something. I may actually GET a photo of H going into a hotel room with a prostitute. His usual was lunchtime for his meetings with ‘professional ladies”. I’m thinking he’ll just go from one meeting to them. Then I think, what the hell? I’m happily anticipating this? Actually wanting it?
What a crappy existence.
Lynn, I don’t think it’s weird that you feel ‘excited’ about it. Or if it is, then I’m weird too, because I get what you mean. I’ve tried to figure out what this weird adrenalin rush.. or whatever it is.. is about when I’m in ‘investigating’ mode. It feels like a sense of ‘Hah, just try and pull one over on me.’ Maybe we’re trying in some strange way to balance the scales after having had the wool pulled over our eyes for so long, and we get this inexplicable rush at the thought of triumphing over their years of lies. No doubt the experts would tell us it’s not healthy, but what our SAs threw us into isn’t healthy either. I also think..hope.. that we won’t stay in this mode forever. I miss the days of logging into the computer to see what’s going on in the world or to browse Amazon instead of playing Inspector Gadget all the time. Hang in there, Lynn. It may well be that this time your h is telling you the truth, but you have every reason to be wary no matter what. xoxo
hehe I am picturing lynn in a trench coat, wig and mustache!!
wasn’t there an I love lucy episode like that?
I was going to say would he really chance meeting a hooker in a hotel with his boss there (and him already in deep shit) and then I thought “Does it snow in Canada in the winter?” I hope you can get something Lynn. Let us know. Karen xx
I think there are two things that are important here.
One—is he really meeting his boss or did he just use information that he already knew about his bosses schedule to back up his lie? If he is truly on administrative leave then he cannot be doing work for them until HR releases him.
Second, stress makes Sex Addicts act out. Think of the stresses he has had, going on TV, hearing your pain, the aftermath, and then the job thing. This is the perfect storm for the SA.
I am so sorry that you have to go through all this lynn, BUT, if one more hurt can give you the information that you need to get your divorce quickly, then I truly hope that it works for you.
Just remember, YOU have been through those same huge stresses. Please take care of yourself and ask for what you need from us.
Hugs and much love ~ JoAnn
Sending postitive energy your way, Lynn. I know that you are in need of more evidence for court and whatnot, but I know it still may be difficult/traumatic if you get the evidence. Keep us posted.
I have to agree with JoAnn on this one. If he was placed on administrative leave, it would have been in writing, and in that writing it would usually state that he would have no contact with the company or it’s employees until further notice. Under those circumstances the company or it’s employees would not ask your husband to do training or any other tasks without releasing the administrative leave. So all that is questionable to begin with.
Even IF he were to meet with his boss to discuss this training, why a hotel? Why not a Starbuck’s or meet at Denny’s for lunch? That would be more business-like and more appropriate.
I hope you get some truth out of this situation. Please take extreme care of yourself. Are you seeing your own therapist? You should be seeing a therapist that specializes in trauma. Just you, not you and your SA together.
He needs to find his own therapist and take control of his own recovery if he wants it. If he doesn’t want recovery then you have some decisions to make.
I’ll be thinking of you.
Much love, Claire
Lynn, I’m sure your stomach has been in knots all day, I know mine has been just thinking about what you’re dealing with. I hope and pray that you get the information you need. Love, Liza
lynn please take care of yourself. if his is on a mission to act out he will also be prepared to protect himself. tread lightly here he knows you dont need much more to leave and file divorce. he might go off the deep end if he does do something and feels you know. i dont trust any of these men no one knows what they are capable of ……… please keep posting
Joann and cbs are spot on. unless this is a little family owned business there are guidelines that must be followed.
And why a hotel? don’t they have a conference room? My family has a small business, my h works for a big company, neither has ever had a meeting at a hotel, even when they travel. Good call on checking him out.
Take care lynn and be safe.No luck, again. PI reported nothing. And I’ll be spending my tiny savings on that. But I had to try. I realize this stress storm has the capacity to set off acting out triggers like crazy.
About breaking leave, the company H works for is a subcontractor to another facility (very common in government production, makes them once removed from everything). They are very small and extremely specialized. H has been with them 11 years, and worked with his current boss for 17 years. They are drinking buddies, so to speak, though my husband drinks next to nothing around me. They practically built this small company they contract for from the ground up, from 600K to over 16M a year.
They have always had meetings in the conference rooms at the hotels where the big boss stays. That’s how I found out about where the meeting was yesterday. They know him by name, and I just asked casually “where’s J’s meeting today” and they knew immediately. I hate it, of course, but up until 4 mos ago never thought about it being a perfect setting for sexual activities. NOW? It’s a nightmare for me.
H found out yesterday that his coworker nearest H’s management level told everyone in the plant that H was fired, and he was now the one making the rules. Then H’s boss found out, called H and put him on leave, and fired the other guy right there because H “doesn’t have an enemy in the bunch” and the big boss still hasn’t even seen the AC show. Big boss is furious because it made their company look ridiculous in the eyes of their biggest client. Told my H can work from home for the time being, hence the “administrative leave” designation means H is basically on retainer as a consultant (had me thinking, H could triple his salary if he were to do that free lance, but H wouldn’t do that to his big boss, they’re really tight that way.) Big Boss is going to talk Monday with the owner and president of the company to see how this can be resolved. Big boss has offered H the opportunity to work from home til this all blows over. However, he also let H know that the company they contract with has been contacting him because they can’t find H’s noncompete agreement in their paperwork. That’s a little scary. Why would they need THAT if they’re not going to let him go? I asked, he said they had been going through paperwork for two months. HHmmmmmm, that’s be about 2 weeks after H started counseling for SA, and he did tell the bosses of both companies that he was doing that. So…. I think they have been trying to find a way to out H since the first disclosure, months before the AC show, and the loudmouth guy who grandstanded it was just being opportunistic looking to grab a promotion with what he thought was a done deal.
He could make triple if he was doing his own consulting? But he is loyal to his big boss? At least he can be loyal to someone, You think he would want that for himself and family.
Just getting into that book silently seduced. Maybe his boss is his new mom.Is it possible that this could be an opportunity lynn, start an LLC in your and h’s name ($25 a year – and like $100 to set up) He could start consulting…and your name would be on half of the LLC. You would have to get your own health etc……but you would own half of what he does.
It’s marital money acquired during the marriage that is split 50/50. If I remember right, Lynn has been married less than 2 years so I’m not sure if that would work. Sounds like a good idea though.
He does not like the idea of working on his own. We’ve talked about it before. It’s all about security, and the big boss does all the networking and contractual stuff and H gets to focus on what he does best. I have seen it as an opportunity, though.
We went out and got an inexpensive desk and are setting up the guest bedroom as an office for him now. Maybe it will grow on him?
But nap if you were a 50% member on an LLC you would get half of it, until you get bought out. Or gift it back. If he ran his consulting through it, and lynn was half owner it would not be part of their marriage. lynn could do the administrative part, pay quarterly taxes etc. or do nothing at all. But really as long as you are a “drawing” member, instead of a non income member, half is yours. I think. my h has 9% of mine. he can keep it or ask me to buy him out. All I know is when the lawyer found out he had 9% he said “crap”.
lynn’s h may be smarter than to let her have 50%.I just think if this guy does not get his job back, this may be an opportunity for lynn to get income out of him. lynn you have kids? add them as members too ~ pay less taxes, puts their fingers in the pot also.
again, he may be too smart to do this. Perhaps he could dissolve the LLC, but he would still have to buy you out.
But if the worse happens and you have this part figured out already……Hi Heidi,
I shouldn’t have commented because I don’t know anything about LLCs. Thanks for the info and I hope it does help Lynn.God help us all.
Love, Nap
nap – no worries, I only know a little, just thinking out loud that this may be a way for lynn to come out ahead.
I think I may need to go find my “Don’t get mad, get even” book I bought as a joke a while ago! It sounded so nasty when I bought it, I’m kinda in the mood for that right now!
lynn, if you and your husband do consider forming a LLC please, for your sake, hire an attorney to write up the papers. Yes, it costs money, but LLC laws vary from state to state (if you are in Canada they would be completely different too).
The articles of organization should state very clearly the percentage of ownership and exactly what happens in the case of divorce, death or dissolution of the LLC. If these are not specifically addressed you could wind up with nothing–or even worse, a pile of legal bills and tax liens.
I really do appreciate your input on this. In a normal marriage, my mind would be swimming with the possibilities. As it stands, I cannot consider anything that would further complicate my situation.
Having to be partially responsible for my husband’s decisions on a business level would be too much for me. I have been awakend through this to the fact that some of our bills haven’t been paid for 7-8 months, and we get collection calls and letters every single day. H has been hiding these from me as diligently as the other women.
I just can’t put myself out any more for this man, or his future, or OUR future, until he’s cleaned up the filth of his past and shown consistently that he can make responsible decisions that reflect his stated desire to “live right”. Hate that term, it’s so vague and I know he has a great disdain for the religious right so I think he’s mocking me when he says it. Just more of my hypervigilence peeking through, I reckon.
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