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Hello All:
I am Melanie and I live right outside of St. Louis. I have been married for 19 years to a man who has caused me more pain than I care to remember. Yet, here I still am… Waiting for a miracle. Well, it is too soon to tell, but there is something different this time… More on that in a minute.
I first discovered his behavior in 1997 when I got our bank statement and saw that we were broke! I was a stay at home mom and he was active duty military. He told me he must have been robbed (that was true but it was by the prostitutes he took to the ATM – and he left that part out). Then, I received the $2000 phone sex bill. We had our phone disconnected and I had to borrow money from my parents. Then, we had one of those awful nights (ehem weekends) of disclosure where everything is shared. I was shattered. There was so much! I told him I wanted a divorce or we needed to go to therapy together right away. He agreed to therapy and we found the most amazing psychologist who suggested that my husband was a sex addict. He prescribed lots of reading, 12 step groups, the whole bit. Then, we went to counseling together for 18 months, but focused a lot on my issues- instead of my husbands. LOL!
Well, my husband put together about 6 months of sobriety. Then we moved across the country. I was a troubleshooter for a healthcare company and did a lot of work from the road. When I returned from one of my trips, my husband blurted out that he had slipped. That was the first and only time he admitted something without being caught. He found a new 12 step group and began recovery in earnest.
He put together about 3 months of recovery and then I found his computer history full of awful pornography. He was actually at a 12 step meeting when I found it. I confronted him and again he got back to recovery. I believe he put together about a year or so of “white knuckle” recovery then.
When we received orders to go to Germany, I once again found out that he was sneaking around and his behavior had escalated. He was now visiting adult bookstores, strip clubs, etc. He promised to recover while we were overseas. We moved to Germany and he was sober for what I thought was 8 years. HA!
On September 11, 2010, I knew… I KNEW he was not sober. I had installed a GPS tracker on his phone and found out that the night before, he had been to the strip clubs, etc. I confronted him and he immediately clung to recovery again. He went that night to a meeting, found a sponsor, and started recovery big-time. Well, I was finally feeling safe again and decided to go to a yoga retreat in January of this year. While I was there, I used the GPS again and found him out until 4am with prostitutes, strippers, at bookstores. Ugh!
I left my training and have been in hell since then. I decided to move out but wanted my daughter to finish school. We spent two months sitting on the front porch with me smoking like a chimney and drinking like a fish while I was witness to his confessional. Well… partial confessional.
My husband has been very engaged in recovery for the past 3 months. He goes to two 12 step meetings per week, has a sponsor and a sponsee. He is in individual theray, and now belongs to a men’s group led by a Patrick Carnes trained sex addiction therapist. I found my husband’s workbook for his group and there was a list of secrets listed there. You guessed it… I finally learned the truth from the workbook! Unprotected sex with men, prostitutes, acting out for the whole time we were in Germany, and so many lies…Oh my… the lies.
When I confronted him, he told me that he had the choice not to write that down, but that he hoped doing so was a first step toward being honest with me. He wanted to offer it up to his group first and then find the right time to share with me.
Well, since March 24, my SAH has been very upfront, caring, intimate, and eager to share his recovery with me. I just hope it is not another one of his traps. I decided to put our separation on hold for now. I hope I do not live to regret this.
Here is the problem… The man I love – the sober guy and father of my children is the one I want to share my life with. The monster can and must go. I just hope we are done with the ugly stuff. If not, I am a fool again for believing. Sigh…
I just wanted to tell you all how happy I am to find a group of women to share with. Thank you for your fellowship.
Mel
Welcome Mel and thank you for sharing your story. I hope your h is able to keep his recovery going. This is a special group of women and sisterhood and we welcome you with open arms. Please feel free to post anytime and so happy to have another sister. You are not alone.
Love, Nap
Hi Mel,
Sorry to meet under such awful circumstances but I am glad you found this site. These great ladies have saved me…. I have been married 19 years and just found out 2 months ago that my H has been “active” for the whole marriage. I understand the porch!!Love,
BevHello Mel, welcome to the Sisterhood! Glad to meet you but sorry for the circumstances. Feel free to ask or post anything, anytime. Don’t be shy, nothing shocks us around here! Love, Liza
Hi Melanie,
Love ya already! Right out there with your name and beautiful face and painful story. You’ve had a lot of disclosure, Melanie. Welcome to the sisterhood (of his traveling underpants), I think March gave us that little joke.
Welcome,
Debora
Hi Melanie,
Hang in there kid, you found the right spot. Sorry for the pain that all of this has caused you. It is daunting!
Hugs, Cindy
Hi, Mel,
I like your straight-forward style and strength. You’ve been at this a long time. You deserve “something different this time.”I’ve been married 21 years. I knew my soon-to-be-ex-husband had some kind of problem the first year of our marriage, but it wasn’t identified as sex addiction until 2005. My husband also faked recovery, and most of our “marriage” counseling also focused on my “issues”.
This site has been great- it is so wonderful to talk to others who have been there, done that, too. As I told a friend recently, this is a site where I feel normal again- like one of the girls.
Welcome Mel,,you are going to love all those ladies,,,you will get the insight,the wisdom and the support you need in these circumstance,,you have a lot to share and all of it will be safe here
Hello Mel,
Welcome to our lovely world here. Glad to have ya. You’ll find so much support and so many friends here.
We get a little silly sometimes and other times we talk like sailors. But then there are the venting, crying, raging moments too. It’s a wonderful outlet.
Sorry you had to come here but I sure hope you get as much light and support as I have just being here.
Much love, Claire
Welcome Mel,
I do apologize for not doing my usual welcome post for new Sisters, but I must say I admire your spunk and self confidence as you jumped right in and introduced yourself and told your story.
You are going to fit right in Sister.
Take some time to read the topics and comments and you will get to know us.
Let us know what you need. We are here for you.
Hugs and more hugs ~ JoAnn
Welcome, Mel. So glad you found us, but so sorry for the hell you’ve been through. You sound very clear-headed and strong, in spite of going through years of the roller-coaster ride of sex addiction. love, Annie xoxo
Mel,
Oh my! Your husband wins the prize for the most attempts at recovery. He’s like the energizer bunny – he keeps going and going.
And you win the prize for hanging in there. I truly hope this is your last time in disclosureland. You have been through the wringer.
I’ve been married for 22 years and didn’t know about any of my SAH’s stuff until last year (mine is known for his attraction to grannies), although I did find “love poems” from his secretary after we were first married (which he talked his way out of)….haven’t had the big disclosure yet (waiting) just staggered ones over the past year.
Welcome!!! I’m so glad that you found us. We keep each other sane.
Deb in CA
Hi Melanie,
Thank you for just “going for it” by telling us what’s up in your house. I wish we could prescribe the magic pill, but we can’t. We will stick by you though, as you figure out what’s best for you and your children. You’ll find information, questions, challenges, hugs, rants, laughs and cheerleading here.
And really sorry you’ve been in this nightmare.
lots of light to you,
diane.Or at the very least, we understand each other’s INSANITY!!
Hi Mel,
I like you too, right off the bat!! Come to think of it, I haven’t found a sister yet that I don’t like!! I know you will feel the same!!
Your porch was my patio last summer! I feel ya!! Sometimes, we just have to do what we have to do.
I will admit, I dont like your SA already. He sounds way too shady….but hey, they ALL are- so I’m not trying to call out just your husband. Nope. I’m not prejudice. I hate ’em ALL!!
I have since divorced and moved on with my life. (was married to a nonstop SA for 17 long years!) I choose to stay on the site, because the sisters are my sister’s! How could I ever leave? My role now is to offer hope and show that great things can and will happen if you get to the “other side”.
But at the same time, I do my best to be supportive and understanding to those who are trying to stay. (sometimes I Fail at this, but only in the name of love.) I, (like many of us) like to call a spade a spade. (Thank you Zumba Girl)!
I wish you the best of luck, no matter what you decide in the end. We will ALWAYS be here for you and for each other!
Love,SL
Welcome Melanie!
You’ve found a wonderful place here where others can relate to what you’re going through. I feel like I can breathe here–it’s a calm, safe place, but also a place to vent, cry, scream and laugh.
Thank you for posting your story. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. We will all be here as you see what the future holds.Love, ZG
Welcome Melanie! You will love it here. Everyone’s a huge support. Sometimes you’re goin to get brutal honesty here but it’s always said from a place of LOVE and CONCERN. That’s why we are all here aren’t we? Sometimes the hard truth is bitter pill to swallow but never give up. The support and laughter you will find here can’t compare to counseling, at least IMHO. We are all here to cry with you if you need it as well as encourage and support you through this never stopping tornado we call life with our SA’s.
Hi Melanie – I am so glad you found us for love and support. The only thing I can say is that we are here for you in whatever choices you make.
I recently left my husband- this is my 3rd separation and it is final. I know you want everything to turn out alright, but in most cases it does not. Your h may act very sincere in wanting to change, but his behavior indicates he is a very sick man. If he truly wants to recover, it will take years of therapy and many ups and downs for you. You just have to decide if you are willing to go through many slips and relapses with him, and how much of a toll it will take on your physical and mental well-being.
It took me 3 yrs. to figure out that my SA is too sick to every recover in this lifetime. My mental health was suffering, and I decided I was going to take care of #1.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, so I hope you will look at his issues realistically. It took him years to get this way and it will take years to learn to manage his addiction-Once an addict always an addict. He has indeed lead a secret life apart from you- the man has no integrity. Just remember, an SA has the ability to fake recovery (sex and intimacy) for the sake of saving their marriage and hide behind a life of “Normalcy” within his marriage. Just be careful and keep your eyes open. Pay attention to his behavior-not what he tells you.
I know I am putting it right out there, but just have your back and do not want you to get hurt any more than you already have.
Good Luck, and keep us posted.
Love and hugs,
SharronHello Melanie and a very warm welcome. It certainly sounds like you should have been here a LONG time ago? 😉 Here u will find smart, savvy, compassionate women who all completely understand how you feel. We say it like we see and we all see it in different ways. 😉 I am sure you will find comfort with us. When u are ready…post away. Karen xx
Mel,
You’re making me want to grab a letter opener and pick the lock of the briefcase containing my H’s Carnes workbook.You have been through some awful things! YOU are one amazingly devoted wife and an extremely forgiving one.
You have a porch. Bev has a patio and SL had one. I had a garage and a bottle of southern comfort. You are in good company here!
Like everyone else, I admire your style.
Welcome and I hope you find a lot of support here.
Warm hugs,
Kim
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