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I’m 55 and my SA is 56. We have been together for 8 years. I was married for 25 years prior (mutual agreement to split….no third parties involved…still reasonably friendly….2 children- 30 yr old married son in London, 25 yr old daughter happily single in London too)
SA has been married 3 times!(each marriage ended because of his infidelity) He has 2 daughters to his second wife (26 and 22)They all live in London too.
I had my first inkling of a problem when Stu and I first moved in together (in England). I was absolutely besotted with him! Tall, slim, intelligent, witty, talented, romantic, creative, musical and very VERY charming!
I thought I had met my soulmate. We had only been living together for a couple of weeks when he had to go into London for the day for work (he’s a designer for TV, web etc). It was a freezing January day so I stayed home. (still school hols and I hadn’t started my teaching job yet). I went onto his computer to write emails and saw a MSN chat buddy list. I saw the name of his last lover (the woman he had the affair with which broke up his last marriage). Out of curiousity I clicked on her name and discovered to my horror a transcript of their conversations. The last one being only the night before. He was telling her that I was downstairs cooking dinner and he was supposedly upstairs ’working’. He was arranging to meet her and he wanted ”more than a coffee *wink*” He told her that I was going up north soon to sort out the rental of my house, so he would see her then. At that moment my perfect world shattered! I remember the sick feeling in my stomach, the panic, the bewilderment of being deceived by someone you loved and thought loved you!
Anyway, that was the beginning…there have been many, many other times since then…..affairs, prostitutes, lies, financial difficulties, counselling, anti-depressants, HPV.
Amazingly I am still with him.Lynda,
Was this last January? Have you gotten the counseling you need to take care of you and help you discern why you are still there? So many women on this site that can totally relate to that feeling when you realize that there is a horrifying reality that you were unaware of. Can’t change that. You can only manage from here on out. I hope you can read enough on this site to know that you are not alone and that you need help to look out for yourself and stay only if it is a situation moving into the light. Take care.Dearest Lynda,
ours are such heart-breaking stories. You and I are almost the same age (I’m 54) and my D-day came after 30 years of marriage. I’m sorry you had one of those days too.I’m glad you’ve come to this site. I’m kind of wondering what happened in those years between d-day and now. Maybe I misunderstood, but it sounds like you found out early on, and have stayed. What was that about? Were you trying to get help? Where you in denial? Where you just not sure what you were dealing with?
Whatever your answer, do you want anything to change now?
I know how hard it is to get to this stage of life and discover you are no further ahead than you ever were. It’s hard to love and then discover your love doesn’t make any difference. I miss that feeling that someone loved me, even thought it wasn’t really true, or if it was true, it was not love that was equal to the love I invested in the relationship.I’m with those who recommend getting a good counsellor for yourself–someone to help sort out the tough questions and help you find your own answers. I’m sure you are a beautiful person with much to offer the world, and you deserve to be treated better than this.
Also, check the STD possibility. Others on this site discovered too late that they had them. I hate this part too.
Tell us more about what it’s all about with you right now.
lightbeams,
D.D-day was right at the beginning of our relationship…but of course I didn’t know that he was a sex addict back then. I confronted him about the messages to his “ex” lover and his explanation was that “he was letting her down gently”, “He was telling her what she wanted to hear”. I chose to believe him because I was so in love with him…but…there was a little wariness creeping in and I was then on alert for any other signs that he was still in contact with her.
We lived together in England for a year. We had fabulous holidays in France and I was happy. Stu also used to chat with many female “friends”. I was not comfortable with this and told him so. His response was that they were platonic and he enjoys female company. He implied that it was ME who had a problem if I was unhappy with that! I started to think that maybe I did!!
Stu was keen to move to New Zealand with me. I wanted to take him back to NZ for a holiday to introduce him to my family. It was him who suggested we make it a one way trip! I sponsored his application for permanent residency in NZ and we began to prepare for our move. I sold my house and he sold his house. I applied for and won a teaching job in Wellington, NZ. Stu was freelancing, so as long as there was internet he could work any where in the world.
In 2004 we moved. It was exciting… we bought a new house and began our new life together. We were talking about marriage but I was not keen to become wife number 4. One
One morning I came home from work to collect something I had forgotten and he wasn’t there. I was surprised but not particularly concerned. His computer was on so I had a little peek. There was open an email from a woman arranging to meet him that morning! I looked further and found a profile he had posted on a sleazy dating date. His profile was practically advertising for sex…he was describing what he likes when making love to a woman. I was dumbfounded!
I waited for him to come home & confronted him. He denied he actually met this woman who emailed him. He said he “chickened” out at last moment. I didn’t believe him! I packed my bag and left! I went to my work colleagues house and stayed for a few days. He begged me to come back, saying it was me he loved and wanted to marry, he was lonely in NZ ‘cos he didn’t know anyone etc etc
I relented and went back.
A few months later I found out (through various means, including an email exchange with his last lover in England) that he had continued to see and have sex with her throughout the whole year I lived with him in England.She would come round when I was at work! If I had known that then I would have NEVER sponsored his residency for NZ.
I was horrified, disgusted, hugely hurt! It was then that I sought counselling. I still knew nothing of sex addiction at that time. As I sobbed and poured out my story to the counsellor it was she suggested that it sounded as if Stu was a sex addict.
….there is lots more…..I might stop now and come back later to continue when I’ve got a second breath!!
I appreciate all your comments! Many thanks! 🙂I’m finding it very useful to write my story down… it putting it all in perspective!
His ex wife (number 3) was still in love with him. He would tell her lies about me…. present me as a crazy woman and how his life in NZ was not particularly happy (again he explained he did this cos he didn;t want her to think his life in NZ was happy ??? ) He emailed her frequently and set up emails to put me ‘off the scent’…whereby he asked her to send emails to our joint account that showed that he and her had limited communication. I found out about this and contacted her and put her straight (told her about evidence I had acquired which showed he had had affairs whilst married to her)… The next D- day was evidence that he had liaisons with prostitutes… even at our home (but it was some time before I discovered this!)
OH.. I forgot about the incident in England…. He told me that all the women he was chatting to were not a threat to me cos they were platonic and lived too far away. I wondered what would happen if they were local!! With the help of my work colleague I set up a bogus profile on the dating site I knew he frequented. I presented myself as “Ash” (I got the photo from a Russian brides site). He fell for it completely and after many sexy exchanges “Ash” and he arranged to meet… He told “her” that he was single and very excited about meeting her…. that he didn;t do this very often but was sure that 6 hours together would be enough to get to know her!!
I(Ash) had arranged to meet him at lunchtime … of course ‘Ash”didn;t turn up (“you bastard” was what I posted on his profile) I really can’t remember what the result of this was except it was very traumatic for me!
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