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I could type such a vent. Nothing has happened. It’s just been one of those weeks. I’m just tired of it all.
I’m tired of being reminded by a bra commercial that my H is a sex addict.
I’m tired of being asked, “and how does that make you feel?” by a psychologist/
I’m tired of having to take antidepressants to get by with my life day to day.
I’m tired of getting accountability software reports in my email.
I’m tired of my LIFE, I look around sometimes and don’t want this house anymore and I don’t want the furniture or the car. Ok.. I do want the one car. We just bought it a week ago. And I’ll keep the cat.
I’m tired of listening to my H talk about all his enlightenment. It sounds like Charlie Brown’s Mother.
I’m tired of “recovery.” I almost wish we could just rewind time and have him continue acting out behind my back.
I’m tired of wondering “when” my H will cheat on me instead of “if.” Or simply believing he wouldn’t.
I’m tired of living 1500 miles away from the little family I have,
The list is endless…
I think sometimes we get tired of being sick and tired.
I had all those thoughts you had and then some. I had no faith in my h, and so rightly he earned it. Once i was done with him and kicked him our, those thoughts about the h and the addiction, subsided. No more thoughts on that at all.
I don’t know if that is the answer for everyone. But i just could not do it anymore. My initial intent of splitting with the h while doing a healing seperation sort of agreement. My initial intent was to stop walking that walk, that agonizing owrry and spouse of SA walk. But once he was out, i decided i was just fine without him.
I have never regretted kicking out my h. i have never regretted divording him. I did regret staying for so long, but i feel that we have to hit our breaking point….so the i wonders stop. I wonder if he gets better, i wonder if he meets someone else….who cares. I have me back, i feel better. The door was open for him to come back for a long time. However he never tried.
Love,
FloraI think you should make a list of the wants, and decide what is doable. Atleast make some baby steps to get what you want, and making the list is a start.
Dear Kim,
🙁 Sorry you are so fed up. This isn’t the first time I have heard this sort of thing from a partner living with a “recovered” SA. It seems that in the beginning wives are desperate to just get them to stop…to get the pain to stop? Then if they are successful and if time goes on…it is as if the wife (I use wife instead of partner because is shorter) suddenly begins to realize that even if he never does another thing (something she can never be certain of) she still has to live with what he has already done? It seems to be much harder than she assumed it would be and your are right….there are the constant reminders of what you have. I think I mentioned in an another post I had a couple of friends in cosa who believed their husbands were well and doing well. Despite the fact that they had moved beyond the trauma and into recovery and healing….they began to have fantasies about just living on their own. They didn’t hate their SA’s and they were proud of them BUT they wished they could just not be part of their lives anymore. They wanted to live their own lives free of recovery, Sa and the past. I don’t really know what that meant though they tried to explain it to me. It was as if they had outgrown their husbands in some way? It seems like this stuff permeates our lives on every level. I think all of us feel like just walking off into the sunset….somehow? 😉 It is draining and it does sap the life out of you. I have many times wished I could go back to the “age of innocence” even if I was being duped. All this reality takes its toll on you. 😉
I hope you feel better. Maybe there is some way you can give yourself some sort of physical and mental mini break.
BIG HUG Karen xxEmotionally exhausted is the term for sure. And deep down I know I do not have to live this way. I dont have to spend my days feeling like Kim, the person, is leas valuable than sex. But here I am. I love my husband. But the damage IS done. And this week more than others it seems like a bigger burden.
I love the image of walking off into the sunset!!! I should think of a theme song to go with that image!
I think I’m in a funk because my H is all excited that he got his “one year” chip and instead of being happy all I can think is, “we’ve together 10 years. You should have earned a 10 year chip.”
Not to mention. If he is to be believed, he “abstained” for the first 4 years. So in the scheme of things, a year seems pretty meaningless.
Other than our sex life he claims he abstained from all other sexual behaviors, including porn, except masterbating.
kim is he in recovery? as far as i know porn is just a part of it. he abstained from porn but still masterbated ok
Sorry to hear you are feeling fed up with everything at the moment, life with an SA can’t be easy. Hope you are not offended but is he worth it?
are we worth it, i say i love my partner but how can i love this man. what does that say about me. i would not take the treatment ive been given by a brother, friend, or anyone. so how can i say i love him if i really loved myself ?????
just thinking out loudI hear you, Kim. Sometimes it feels like a weird apathy is setting in, in the midst of all the insanity. I’m having trouble remembering what ‘normal’ life was like. I used to be a news junkie. Now I have absolutely no clue what is going on in the world. My bookshelf now looks like I’m studying to be a sexologist or maybe a perv. And somehow I’ve appallingly gotten hooked on Keeping Up With the Kardashians..wtf..please just shoot me now. If you’re real quiet, you will hear the sound of my brain being sucked outta my skull. Just so so tired. Maybe this dull exhausted apathy is a good thing? The natural aftermath..hopefully temporary.. of having been wracked by every emotion under the sun, and our minds and bodies just saying, ‘no more?’ Take good care of you. xoxo
katt, I wonder that too: ‘what does that say about me?’ Like do I even have any standards anymore? I guess it’s that we still love what we *hope* they are deep down, but in the meantime we stay in a weird sort of holding pattern, not being sure when or if the proof of what we hope for will come, or what exactly it will even look like. xoxo
but they still did what they did, i would never had given him the time of day if i knew what he did. so am i hoping he is what i thought he was or what i hope he could be.
something else if he was a drunk and came home everyday and punched me out would i still be with him???? because he didnt leave any visable marks does that change things. he had a choice he has a,ways had a choice
This is the analogy I would suggest: It is as if we’ve been put into a medically induced coma. A doctor will put a patient into this kind of coma to tide the patient through a period of acute response in order to improve the outcome after a traumatic injury. The goal is to reduce swelling and pressure, which cut off blood flow to the brain and can kill healthy brain tissue. It is also an effort to rest the brain so it requires less blood, oxygen and glucose. The key is protecting the brain from secondary injury, which can be more damaging than the initial injury. (Again, not a doctor, but I play one on TV!) So, Kim, my prescription for you is continue Keeping up with those Kardashians. Love, Liza
I understand, Kim.
Staying is a whole lot of tired. But follow your path and honour yourself. At this point I don’t believe staying is about honouring him, it’s about honouring yourself and what you need to know about this strange life together, and seeing how much you are willing to give up for what you get to keep. You will know when you are done, if it ever gets to that point. Meanwhile, it’s one of those days when it all backs up and compresses into “the now”. But maybe tomorrow won’t be like that. I really hope not.
D.xoLiza, I really like your analogy. Makes a lot of sense to me. After weeks and weeks of tearing my hair out, screaming, cursing, crying.. I’ve lately gone really flat. I gotta say right now it’s preferable to the alternative. Just hope it presages an amazing bout of boundless energy, otherwise I may start mummifying. 🙂
Annie, I GUARANTEE that you’ll come out of this kicking ass and taking names. Seriously, trust in yourself. Love, Liza
Nap, really I’m no Doctor… TV or otherwise… just invoking an ancient “All My Children” reference…
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x36pho_vicks-44-with-peter-bergman_shortfilms . I do love Hugh Laurie, however.
Thanks everyone. I feel like I’d just be taking the issues with me if I left. The only difference would be that the bra commercials would remind me of sex addiction AND my dismantled family.
I am completely sucked into the world of, “It could be worse.” I always have been. So many people have it worse so I end up feeling like a bitch for complaining. I try to focus on appreciating what I have. But as you can see… I fail at that now and then.
Flora,
My wants: I’ve just started trying to figure out where to begin in finding a job. Having been gainfully unemployed for so long puts a damper on that. I also want to go back to school. However if I want to actually pass the math assessment, I need to study. Algebra was a long time ago. I don’t remember diddly! I just need to get off my ass.Karen,
I can understand where you’re cosa members were coming from.Katt,
Yes. He is in recovery. “Recovery” is such a huge part of our lives. I’m tired of that too. Don’t beat yourself up about choosing him. Addicts are master manipulators. And none of us are psychic. You don’t find this crap out till it’s too late and you’re already in love with them. It’s hard to just shut that off.Tanya,
I’m not offended. No worries. It’s a valid question. And depending on what day of the week it is, I may have a different answer!Annie,
Keeping Up With the Kardashians? Oh dear. Maybe we need to have an online intervention for you! We were at the Jersey Shore this summer and my daughter starts freaking and pointing 20 feet away, “Mom… there’s The Situation!” I was totally confused until the camera came. I got tons of pics of three guys from Jersey Shore and don’t have a clue who they are.I understand Kim. Even when they are supposedly better…it remains ALL about them? Perhaps if you found something (work, school) JUST for you it would help you feel more like you are living your own life. We all need that…I know I do. Figuring out what it is, once the weight of SA is sitting on your back…well…lets just say its harder. I can only imagine that your husband is excited about his new life. I can also imagine why you might feel like saying “Would you just put a sock in it!” LOL Big Hug karen x
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