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My STBX has been in inpatient treatment for just over a week. The first day, I received a call from his intake person, telling me that he had filled out all the court-ordered release (full release of all information) and giving me the names and email addresses of this treatment supervisor and group leader. I was told I would hear from them in a couple of days.
No surprise, I didn’t.
I emailed them this weekend, and I heard back from the group leader. His email said, “He is responding favorably to treatment.” That’s it.
So I emailed back that we are into our 8th year of his “responding favorably to treatment” and that he has fooled 3 therapists, one of them twice, and I thought that he should be aware of this.
I got no response.
I know the week he left he was still lying, blameshifting and gaslighting. I know he is there telling his same old stories, his lies about me and how this is all my fault. I know when he gets back, I am going to have to start all over fighting his claim that he should have full visitation with my son because he’s REALLY in recovery now. And I am pissed.
Because no one at this $50k treatment program cares about me, my kids, or the truth.
I know he only gets better if he wants to do the work, but still, for that kind of money, you would think they would want a complete history from outside sources, given that they are dealing with compulsive liars.
It really makes me sick.
Of course he will fool them too. he may even break down and be honest for a couple of weeks to shut them up but it won`t last. I hate these recovery nuts. maybe he will be like my H and come home and practice “finding his voice”…That is my personal favorite.
Or, you could get really lucky and he might come home all full of recovery crap and be nice for awhile?? You could at least get the divorce finished on better terms for you!!
I hate to say I agree. The counselors my SAH has seen have no interest at all in the facts. They seem completely content to let SAH lead the counseling and redirect at will. And SAH loves it. He can wear his little “good boy” badge, tell me how much he’s done for me since DDay that I refuse to appreciate, say he is compliant with treatment – meaning he went and bullshitted the counselor for an hour twice a week – he’s gold in his own eyes and I’m an unforgiving #itch. Works for him.
I just stopped caring. I expect nothing at all from this process. Just waiting for the day I can get my divorce.
Well,
I’m beginning to understand now, why in some instances the flathead shovel is just not smooth enough. You need something more efficient.
These people are just adopting the same attitudes and behaviours as the the addict/compulsives. It’s arrogance in the extreme. Do you think they are baiting you so that your guy can gather material to use in your divorces?
I’m trying to figure out what your best move is. Maybe it’s to ignore them.Perhaps you need to send a message that recaps the release of information, the promised of contact broken, your initiative, the arrogant non-response response, your sharing of information, and your consultation with your professional support network (us)—hey lots of us are professionals here.
And then you advise you will be posting the name of the treatment centre on your support network site as one that should never be involved in treatment.Then maybe there should be a place on this site and the MTASA site that lists centres etc. and our experiences with them. I’m serious. Fight fire with fire.
I would be MORE than happy to post reviews of treatment centers on both sites.
The married site gets over 10,000 unique visitors a month. I think it just might have some impact.
I’ll start a new group for counselor and treatment facility reviews, both good and bad,
Please post each one separately under it’s own title.
I think I see a possible new website here. ~ JoAnn
I asked Dr. Minwalla if he understood that my h was going to try to maniuplate him and twist this around. He just laughed and told me not to worry, he understands perfectly what my h was going to try. My h never went.
Maybe you should try phoning them instead. It may be harder to ignore than an email. And then you can clear up what the perimeters are exactly.
Okay, I took your basic outline Diane, but played dumb. Gee, no one has reviewed your facility yet on my support network’s online site. So maybe you could explain things to little ol’ me because it seems like other places do it differently. And how do you treat someone if you don’t have a history?
Next step will be a phone call. I just am home all day with my son, and I am mindful about talking around him (open concept home= no privacy).
I love the idea of online reviews for treatment centers, JoAnn. These places cost so darn much that people should have access to information about them.
They treat all addictions but the SA center there is somehow affiliated with Robert Weiss, if that means anything.
Because no one at this $50k treatment program cares about me, my kids, or the truth.
Got that right Teri. Stick it to them. Make them care to the best of your ability. Love Diane’s recommendation.
50k, and they don’t even talk to the partner? What kind of f8cked up one way blindsided BS is this? for 50k, they should fly you on a plane, put you up at the hilton, and make him LISTEN to the things he has done and put you through. That wb accountabiliy. they are giving him none. 50k of enablement. ugh ugh ugh i am going to scream.
Call the accounting department, and ask for a refund. seriously. if they are not taking your side into account you might as well flush 50k down the toilet. it is a false advertising, and one way blindsided BS.
when you start asking / demanding for a refund, that’s when you get phone calls. it’s all about the money.
next time send him on a cruise.
sorry Terri, I just share your anger. it’s outrageous
The ranch? An offshoot of SRI. Say no more and expect nothing because that is what you will get. Teri…you have NO PLACE in his treatment process other than as an accessory to him. They care nothing for you and every move you make will be construed as the actions of a co-addict “controlling, angry,intrusive, resistant” and so on and so on. These centers are pathological to women. I LOVE the idea of outing these abusers. Fuming for you. Karen xx
Geeezzzz….these treatment centers should at least have a partner component. When my brother went to a 30 day drug and alcohol rehab (at Caron in PA) there was a week long relatives component. We got educated on addiction (never thought it would come in this handy) – and had sessions with the addict. It was powerful stuff. My brother was sober for a whole 6 months after that. (wow). He is now dying in the hospital (pancreas and gallbladder are not happy).
It floors me that some of these places don’t involve partners or keep them in the loop. Really? I heard that Carnes place in Hattiesburg MS has one day and that it usually pisses off the partners (Dr. Minwalla told me that). Addiction is a family disease – and to treat these guys in a complete vacuum is nuts. I agree that we shouldn’t be the focus – but they need to understand the destruction and ramifications.
Teri – it’s very likely that your SA told them not to tell you much, thus the “he is responding favorably” comment. Sounds like that limited info is coming from him – and likely because he knows that you are divorcing his ass.
You must be so tired of this stuff….you have run a marathon.
BTW – Dr. Minwalla has a saying regarding the whole “stay on your side of the street” garbage….yeah, that would be great if you are just a neighbor with your SAH – but many of us have to live with them.
Deb
Hey, guys-
No response yet.
I have a court order that says I get access to all records. I haven’t played that card yet. I can’t decide if it is better to wait and let him lie his ass off to them and then catch him or to use it now. He knows I have it, but he doesn’t know that my new attorney is willing to push it. My old attorney did nothing while the CSAT blew me off (maybe she was waiting for the lies to collect before going after the files? That’s probably giving her too much credit.)
If I don’t hear back today, I’ll have to send an email to attorney to get her advice.
Yeah, Deb, so sick of it. Why people can’t act like grown-up, responsible professionals is beyond me.
Just hold off Teri. The first week my H was at Minwalla`s he was still full of a lot of denial. Now, Doc M called me and told me this ( imagine that) and asked me for a case history. The second week got more serious. Doc M wasted no time in busting his lying ass. Now, I am sure that dummy still held things back and I know he lied about little catch phrases that therapists love ..”finding my voice”, ” expressing my anger”, ” being present”…so he could fit in ( or dummy is so stupid he believes his own BS..pick one, doesn`t matter). Point being, let your H hang himself as much as possible. Hold your ace til the last hand. Use the court order the last 2 weeks. I just LOVE that you have that!!!
I hate these fucking asshole Csats that treat us like shit….I think I will post a link to these facilities on the Al Queda website 🙂
My husband has has about a week and half left. I have had one phone call with his therapist and two with him and have been asked to come for “family week”. When my husband went in, I was already leaving him. I asked him to go to treatment to save his life and not his marriage. I told him, “I will not come to Santa Fe. I will not be there as your family. I will take a phone call with your therapist if it is necessary for your healing and recovering as a Dad to our girls. But I am not way interested in talking about reconciling a marriage.”
He calls his treatment center, “trauma camp” and is telling all his family that he is at trauma camp dealing with issues from his childhood and things that happened in 1983 that are still affecting him and his marriage.
Ugh!
didi
puke!!! God Didi.. I feel the same. I am so sorry…What a waste. Stay strong girl. You are doing the right thing. I am still sitting here listening to my H wax poetic about finding his voice….sigh.
Didi, you are awesome. Are you comfortable saying which one he’s at.
Teri, I must have missed which one you guy is at. Did you say?
I’m actually wondering if they are at the same one!!!
Mine’s at The Ranch, in Tennessee.
Didi, sounds like yours is still in denial. I am sure my STBX is lying about why is where he is, too. I’m kind of in the same boat with not wanting to be part of any of his stuff any more, but feeling like my kids still need an advocate.
I don’t necessarily want to be part of his treatment, but I am the only one who has any clue as to what he has really been up to. And it boggles my mind that NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW.
Besides, I still don’t know that I’m not paying for half of his treatment. So either they get info that they can use to help treatment or I can show that I tried to help, and they wouldn’t listen.
I think you are right, Bev. Let them all hang themselves. Unbelievable.
Trauma camp! Oh well -not really a lie, just stretching the truth!!! AHHHHHHHHHH. They need to call a spade a spade!
If he couldn’t have said Sex addiction to his family, he should at least called it a camp for chronic liars.
The proof will be in the pudding – what he tells them when he gets out. If he is still sugar coating it, you know he hasn’t changed.
my h has a new “lady” therapist. I know the angle he is playing, he is trying to get her to see how wonderful he is. Trust me, he’s good. I mentioned I was going to look for someone who does edmr. He is going to get edmr from this new lady therapist. She said it even worked on her dog!!!
(he was afraid of thunder)!!! What would my h need edmr for? He has no trauma.teri I don’t know what to say. I’m thinking you could call and offer any thing that would help your h move along and have a better experience……..but it sounds like they aren’t to concerned with anything you say. I would wait a little bit to take legal action – but your attorney would know best. grrrrr.
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