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Hi, my name is Teri. I’m new to the group, so I thought I’d introduce myself. I have been married for 21 years and I have 2 children ages 21 and 13. I homeschool my 13 year old son for academic reasons.
My husband’s porn problem surfaced the first year of our marriage and it has been one discovery after another ever since. He was identified as having a sex addiction 6 years ago and started attending 12 Step Programs as well as weekly marriage counseling with me.
Six months ago, my 13 year old son was using his dad’s computer (at our home with a number of his friends) and saw nude photos of his dad and of another woman, plus some messages they exchanged. This was the first time I had direct evidence of his having sex outside the marriage.
I took the computer and found evidence of his soliciting prostitutes (once while he was chaperoning a Boy Scout campout), pictures of him having group sex, nude photos he had emailed, personal ads on S&M and other deviant sites, and a sexting list that included 70 “friends”…etc., etc., etc. This behavior had been going on continually while he was in “recovery”.I kicked him out and after a marriage counseling session that indicated that he was still in denial, I filed for divorce.
He is blaming me for the divorce. He is asking for spousal support for himself and for more than half the marital assets even though I have never worked and he is a physician. He is claiming that I found the porn and showed it to our son. That I abused him for 20 years. That I tried to extort and blackmail him (when I told him that I was concerned about someone doing that to him and I was worried what would happen if we end up in divorce court and this gets in the papers- we live in a small town and he is doctor so it would be big news). That I am lying about our son’s devastation, etc.
I am suffering from PTSD, my daughter is having anxiety and panic attacks, and my son is depressed and self-harming. We are having a hard time finding help. Meanwhile SAH (soon to be SAXH?) has 2 therapists, 12 Step Meetings, and his family near by (mine are thousands of miles away). I don’t believe for a minute he is actually in recovery this time (or he wouldn’t be treating us this way). I think he is putting on a good show for the court for visitation.
During our many years of marriage counseling sessions, I was abused, dismissed, and blamed. Although I realize that I have my own issues and of course I am not perfect and can always do work to improve, I refuse to be labeled as co-addict or even co-dependent. I am not co anything. I was tricked into marriage by this fraud who pretended to be a moral, loving guy. I have been in counseling almost constantly for 20 years trying to help myself, and it didn’t do a bit of good for my marriage. I am a stronger person because of it, and I find all the blaming of the spouse that goes on with sex addiction reprehensible. If my SAH fooled 2 therapists, his family, his business partners, his friends, how was I supposed to know? How can I be accountable for not reading his mind? Sorry, but I am not buying it.
I saw someone was making a list of stupid things therapists say- I could add quite a bit to the list, but here’s a recent one… I went to a CSAT last week for PTSD and after her initial interview she asked me to sign a release form. When I asked her why, she said to “coordinate care” with my SAH’s therapist. Would she coordinate care with my rapist’s therapist? I don’t think so. When I asked her what kind of coordination, she couldn’t answer other than “Well, his therapist will want to.” Needless to say, I am seeking help elsewhere.
So that is basically my story. I came to this site because I was looking for support, to connect with others who have been in this situation, and I felt isolated from groups in my area because I have philosophical problems with spouses being put through a 12 Step program. I was glad to find this site, I look forward to hearing from you all and to posting when I have something to say.
What a horrible story. Your poor son. And you sound so strong, in spite of the ordeal. Glad you found us. We don’t buy the automatic labeling of ourselves as co-addicts or codependents. Good for you, firing that CSAT immediately. It’s like a giant conspiracy to keep our abusive marriages intact so the SA will stay “in treatment” and keep these guys in business. I honestly think they know we’d get better faster if we split and that the SA could then go about his sick merry way. I’m sorry for your pain, Teri. I hope we can help a little.
Thanks, March. I don’t feel so strong, especially when I can’t make it through the grocery store without breaking into tears. Or when I have to deal with my son visiting his father. My son’s psychologist wants for him to eventually have overnights with Dad, which just makes me cringe. She had my SAH put an alarm on my son’s bedroom door at his apartment so that he would be alerted when my son was leaving his room- so he could stop anything he shouldn’t be doing. Isn’t there something wrong with that? What child should be put through that? My SAH also won’t give out any information about STD status, so we are supposed to take precautions at both households as if he does but not explain to my son why we are doing this, so he won’t worry. Who does this to their child? He is 13, he is not stupid; he can figure this out, and then he is left wondering why everyone is lying to him.
I am sick about how little protection the system has offered my family.
Oh my word! Teri I don’t know how you’ve had the fortitude to hold onto yourself through all this. And bravo from me (the one that rants the most about the therapists and therapeutic model) for standing up for yourself. You are one impressive woman.
I sure hope we can help you find a better path for you and your children. And I’m so sorry for everything you have endured.
Let’s start with the “get a really tough lawyer” part. Some women visit all the really good lawyers before picking one because apparently that means he can’t use any of them. I know he’s got you scared about what will happen if you divorce him, but you’ve got to find yourself a “advocate”—one of the underused names for a lawyers. You SA/PDh is a bully to you and to your children. I just can’t believe his arrogance.
I think you came to the right place. Step by Step (not 12 step) we will travel with you and share as much as we know.
I’m a Canadian so don’t know as much of the legal system in the US, but maybe someone on the site is from your state and will know stuff.
Meanwhile hold those babies tight (well as tight as they will let you!).
light for you
Diane.Oh Gosh Teri, What a mess! Unfortunately your unbelievably horrible story is not uncommon here. The blaming of spouses by SAs and the coddling of the SAs by therapists is appalling.
It doesnt sound like your husband has a leg to stand on though. The mental abuse he is accusing you of (and probably believes in his demented sick head) isnt provable, but his sexcapades are documented, so you have that going for you. It is sad that your son has to deal with this too. The alarm sounds ridiculous and bordering on child abuse. If the therapist agrees that he cant control himself better when your son is with him, sounds like you have grounds to ask for more limited visitation from a legal perspective. Of course there is the question of what is best for your son, and you know best.
Please continue to try to take as good care of yourself as possible. So glad you came here. Sending you a hug!
~BonnieTeri
my mouth is hanging open reading your post
what a jackass
my sah is in a mens therapy group and it seems to me the majority of them are super intelligent and super arrogant
they think they are smarter than everyone else in the room and it sounds like ur stbxsah is one of those who has Been able to fool and manipulate others
it sounds like you have already done a lot of the hard work on you and my heart breaks for the affect this has on your kids but they will be better of having his toxic ass out of the house eventually
I’m a 12-stepper, sober 2.5 years but don’t particpate in the sa anon groups. I don’t know why exactly. But I do not buy into the fact that I am at fault for my sah addiction.
I’ve got plenty of issues to go Around but not taking on that one
you will love this site
I feel SOS and the wisdom and advice here has moved me ao much more quickly through my healing process and setting boundaries. I refuse to let this addiction to take me down
wishing u all the best. XxooHi Teri, thanks for sharing your personal story. It’s never pleasant to put in black and white but it CAN be therapeutic. Nothing you say will shock us and judgement is not an option! Sounds like you know what you need to do and have found the courage to do it. Thats a big step in itself!
I can’t stand your almost ex SAH already! These guys are somethin else…
Glad to hear from you! Post away!!! We’re listening!
Love,
SL
thete is something very wrong with a legal system that allows these sickos access to children. I am so sorry you are going thru this Teri. I am new ( married 19 years, two kids 12 and 14, and only found out 6 weeks ago that my H has been engaging in these behaviors since before we met). This site has literally saved my life. I hope you find the same help and support here.
BevThanks, everyone, for your comments.
Diane, I have a tough lawyer who I think will protect me in the long run as much as is possible with the current system. But she tells me, “We can’t stop him from being a jerk.” And because we share a son, I deal with the jerk much too much for my liking.
I hope that I didn’t offend anyone about 12 step programs. I think everyone has to do what is right for them, and if something helps, go for it. I just don’t think its the right thing for me at this moment in time.
We all have to do what have to do, and hopefully we will all get to where we need to be in our own way, but I know I could use some validation to help me along the way. So thanks, everyone. I appreciate your support.
Hello Teri,
I am really glad for your story. And I am so impressed with your resiliance so far! the theraputic model is indeed broken where we are concerned. I am so glad you recognized and that you are finding a therapist that is truly for you, and in your camp only.
On the system and our children. Oh, what a mess. I am there also. And these guys, well they lie lie lie. and turn it around on us. I think he is posturing. If you are the non working spouse– he is just dreaming he can do what he is saying he can do.
He is a narc. He thinks he is smarter than everyone else and will get whatever he wishes. The courts do favor mothers and children. Especially stay at home mother’s. he hasn’t a leg.
But the current system does not care about SA and custody. It is a non issue in the divorce. Or so I’ve been told. It is frustrating, anger invoking. But as long as you have a good attorney- sounds like you do — it is the best we can do to fight the good fight.
Keep fighting Teri. Better is just around the corner. And as far as him blaming you? It’s all they can do in order to live with themselves. It is the only coping mechanism they know.
Keep knowing that the blame is false. That it is not your fault. That he is a liar. and keep the truth close to you heart, so it can comfort you, admist his attacks.best of luck and love Teri.
Pam
Teri,
Oh my! You have been through the wringer…..and you are still standing. You deserve a medal (or at least a huge cyber hug from all of us).
Your husband reminds me of Joann’s “in recovery”…..the stuff they pull on their way and back from 12 step meetings. These guys deserve Oscar’s for their performances.
I can’t even imagine how your son must be traumatized. And the gall for your SAH to say that YOU showed it to him? Did anyone ask your son? My SAH told our son that he had an “affair”, and an affair partner stalked us and that was traumatizing enough – but I can’t imagine seeing our kids seeing photos like that.
What I don’t understand is what leg does your SAH have in asking for spousal support from you? That takes the cake and doesn’t pass the red face test.
It’s amazing how SAH’s twist things around to make it your fault. It’s called Gaslighting and can be devastating (just google it and you will see that it’s a fine art).
You have come to the right place, Teri. I hope that your SAH catches some dreadful STD that lets him die a slow death, or at least gives him a deformed, shriveled penis.
Keep us posted on what happens… (this story sounds like it’s right up there with NAP’s).
Keep up the fight…
Deb
God Teri,
It never fails to shock and disgust me when I hear another sisters devastating story. I am so sorry for your pain and so utterly disgusted with your H. There is plenty of validation here and not just commiseration but well studied thoughtful responses to every nuance of this nightmare. ‘
You have some extra trauma with your son and the blameshifting your H is trying to pull in your legal process. I’m glad you have a good lawyer and you seem to have an emotional separation where the business is concerned.
Welcome to the sisterhood. Post freely. There will always be someone here when you need them.
Bless you, Teri,
Love Debora
Dear Teri,
Wow, what a story. I am devastated for your son. My main advice for you is to find whatever his area of weakness is and use it. You have to take his power away. I don’t know what that is…threaten to reveal his photos?? The courts are going to award you maintenance, child support ect. You have not worked outside the home. You have to fight back anyway you know how. Your H is very sick. I am so sorry this has been done to you and your children. Do not let him frighten you…he is weak and pathetic. Karen xx
Dear Teri, as always the Sisters have offered you some sage advice. Please know you can always come here for guidance, support, whatever you need. We’ll help you take that bastard husband of yours down. Love, Liza
Teri,
Welcome to SOS and for sharing your personal story. It sounds like a nightmare and I’m sorry your h is so irresponsible and irrational. I can understand why you have PTSD and your children are suffering.These men are uber selfish at all costs. He sounds like a real narcissist based on his behavior and also a sociopath which qualifies him for the malignant narcissist award.
You need to protect yourself as best you can. You need a really good attny who won’t tolerate his sh*t and will hold him accountable.
I hope you have a good therapist for yourself and your kids. It’s criminal what people will do to others, even there own family. I have first hand experience with this and it’s very painful; however you learn to be strong and draw the line. The line he’ll never cross again. I hope you have a support system in place with a few trusting friends since your family is so far away. Thinking of you!
Love, Nap
Wise word from Nap, Teri. Some of these dudes are even loonier than the others because some of them are completely pathological and dangerous. She knows first hand. karen x
Oh yes I do, wished I didn’t, but I do. Karen, I think there may be more than a few of these kind of these guys, sad but true………….
Yes Nap…u will NOT get any arguement from me. A whole lot of them are pathologicals and the damage they do has a lot more to do with how much power they can get than anything else? As I am fond of saying…containment is the ONLY option. It isn’t the BEST option but it beats believing them by a long shot.
Teri,
I’m so sorry that you and your children have had to endure all of that abuse. I think I’d crumble. A lot of us here can learn a thing or two from you.I have no great words of wisdom. My mind is drawing a compete blank. Maybe it’s sleep deprivation but it’s probably because everyone else who responded did it so well.
I am glad you found the site.
Thanks, everyone,
I am learning how to hold my own and exercise my rights. I have a child psychologist and sex addiction therapist as well as my (very tough) attorney helping me to cover my butt since everything I say can and will be twisted to be used against me.I got an email from my STBX this weekend accusing me of child neglect because I allowed my 13 year old son to wear shorts on a 60 degree day (even though ahole offered him a sweatshirt and my son told him he was fine).
It’s getting to the point that it is actually kind of funny. Does he really think anyone will believe him?
He also said I was being passive-aggressive for my own “selfish gain” and trying to control his visitation when I told him that I would like to know whether or not our son should have breakfast first before spending the morning with his dad, and if I didn’t hear from him, I would make sure our son had breakfast. (Since sometimes dad was feeding him breakfast but other times not.) Yeah, asshole, it’s all about you! Couldn’t be that your kid gets hungry and needs to eat!
I appreciate you all and having a place of sanity to vent dealing with the craziness.
Teri,
I’ve done an asshole X with the outrageous accusations. I can empathize. What’s sad is that I had to stop parenting as a mom and instead parent as a plaintiff / defendant. One time he complained to the custody evaluator that our then 5 year old daughter had a knot in hair. He complained it was “days old.” He hadn’t seen her in two weeks so I’m not sure how he established how “old” the knot was. Perhaps he cut it and counted the rings? The evaluator jumped all over that one. She saw through all his BS.My H’s X did the same thing. She called CPS once and complained we made her daughter eat broccoli. Abuse by vegetables! We actually hadn’t even made broccoli let alone made her eat it. But that was inconsequential considering the ridiculousness of thinking it was a CPS level abuse offense. I wish I could say that custody evaluator saw through it. I think he DID, he simply didn’t care because she was a Mom, which many times is the only advantage someone needs. Since you’re a mom, no fears. Incidentally, that same Mom who the evaluator sided with (not the judge though) had supervised visitation within two years. I want to call him so bad and say, “I guess you called that one wrong, huh?’
Hopefully the court system works as it should for you but in the meantime it’s such an everyday stress. One day, hopefully soon, you can put all of this behind you and laugh. It does become nothing more then some crazy stories to tell one day. While you’re living through it, that may be hard to imagine.
Hugs,
KimThis may not sound right but sometimes these sickos just use the kids to play the game of getting at you. Once the dust settles and divorce is final I bet he loses interest in you and your son because he wil quickly ( sadly) begin focusing on himself again. It may mean he hunts another victim or he may immerse himself in hookers ( or whatever) or both. I don’t believe they have the attention Spanish or the capacity to truly care about others ( including their own children) if it interferes with their fun….
Don’t know if that makes any sense. But bottom lune, they enjoy the drama, the game…. Not the actual outcome and not the actual wanting to spend time with his child.
Sorry if I’m off base.
Love,
BevHi Teri,
So sorry for the delayed introduction. My mom was just here for a week, so I have some major SOS catching up to do. I am so very sorry for what you and your children are going through. We share a common chord in that my h also had “media” of himself on our home computer. In my case, it was videos with prostitutes. I’m the one that found them. To this day, my body still goes cold at the thought of one of my kids (at the time, ages 12 and 15) finding them first. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. And to have to deal with that degree of narcisism and arrogance—unimagineable!!
You sound like a strong, amazing woman. I have a feeling that we will be learning as much from you, as you do from us.
Sending love, strength, and peace your way!!
Zumbagirl (Julie)Zumbagirl- How awful to find videos. Pictures were bad enough. How sick are these guys to keep that kind of evidence around?
My son is having such a hard time and the few therapists in town who treat teen kids of SA have full practices and won’t see him. He is actually hitting himself in his sleep. And yesterday, he saw a picture of scantily-clad people in a You tube ad (he was watching an educational video on how to program) and he just melted down- started screaming, crying and throwing chairs. The he shutdown- staring into space, totally unreachable. I don’t know how to help him other than to reassure him and love him and keep calling hoping something will open up with a therapist who understands SA and the effects on the kids.
He has a therapist who deals with grief and trauma but she works with him mostly on coping skills to deal with the stress of seeing dad on visitation.
I just don’t know how a 13 year old is supposed to have a healthy view on sex when he is so badly traumatized by it. And it is so hard to get any help for teens so far. Any ideas, anyone? Has anyone else gone through this? What helped?
I don’t know your financial situation but it may be time to look into those intensive type treatment facilities. I know several on this site have used Dr.Minwalla ( sp?). I have checked out his website and seem to recall a program for kids…. Worth a shot.
Love,
BevKids being hurt just breaks my heart and makes me want to kill!!! I pray you find help for your son and your H’s penus rots off… Slowly and painfully !!
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