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Nap and I were chatting last night, and we were discussing this topic and we thought it would be a great forum discussion.
What if… our SAs had never married us. never married at all, or lived with anyone as a committed monogamous partner and never had children?
Would he still be a “sex addict?”
I’m not sure what our conclusion was, but I think that we’ve agreed on here, that SA is a symptom of the larger personality disorder. This includes lying, deception, entitlement, betrayal…
and while entitlement would certainly be a part of a single man who goes through women like we go through tampons, and we could certainly say that he’s having fun and its compulsive behavior and clinically, he is sex addict, but is he a SEX ADDICT, as we have defined it on here?
After-all, he does not necessarily have all of the components, (at least not to nearly the same degree) such as guilt, shame, euphoric high from the “danger” (unless he’s engaging in risky sex acts).
Of course, a single sex addict could still be putting his own life, well-being, career and home in danger and the women that he sees, but since he’s single, they should assume, until they know him better, that he’s “playing the field.”
But without the responsibility and commitment to a loving wife and children– its not the same.
Now we call him a player. a lothario. A manwhore. A womanizer…
and a sex addict too; of course, but perhaps a more “ethical”, “honest” sex addict?
I met a man like this last March, at a birthday party for one of my son’s boarding friends. The guy told me (i have no idea why), that he’s never been married and never will be married, because he KNOWS that he CANNOT COMMIT TO ONE WOMAN!
I have a lot of respect for a man who can admit that freely. I wouldn’t date him…lol, but at least he’s being honest.
What are your thoughts?
My h knew he was a sex addict before we married. He knew that he used sexual release to deal with stress, sadness, any unpleasant emotion. He knew that he sexualized every female he encountered and sized them up for conquest. Conquest to him meant getting them to engage with him and affirm his desirability and more if possible. For him even if he wasnt in a relationship at the time and cheating either in his mind or his bed, his relationship with God was betrayed so there was always guilt and shame. That is why I feel that men of faith get caught in the cycle so easily. L
wise observation, Lylo
I had a similar SA. He knew he was in trouble before he married me. So he took vows he knew he couldn’t keep, and based their validity on the notion that he really “wanted” to keep them. Thanks. That worked out well.
He also came from a sick Christian background with bad theology of just about everything, a faith stance birthed on fear and fed by guilt and shame. Sick, so sick.
I think I was just a cover for him. He conned me and everyone who ever hired him, conned my family, conned our friends, conned EVERYONE. So if I’m co-dependent, so is everyone else who bought what he was selling, and nurtured a relationship with him.
I can’t imagine how his relationship with God worked. It’s just too weird.
Mine too was already a SA when we got married. Why he thought he could stop I’ll neve know. To deceive someone for so long, put their health and life at risk, I think is criminal.
Yeah. When I think back to everything from the tentative proposal (I actually thought it was kind of cute and funny)to the disastrous wedding night that he sabotaged to the decades of deceit and betrayal… I guess we all wonder how we could have been duped for so long by the ONE. I’m going to use that line about co-dependency Diane. And NAP, at least George Clooney is honest about who he is, huh.
Yes, he is a sex addict even if he’s not attached. My H admitted he was a sex addict long before he was ever with anyone. It makes no difference. It’s a coping device in the beginning and just like any other addiction it requires more to reach the same high.
My H has the history to show he was a SA as well long before me. My psychologist loves to point that out too. How the signs were there, I just didn’t see them. Makes me want to smack her!!!
I have my fair share of times I think “sex addict” is just a euphemism for “selfish pr*ck.” Ultimately though, here is my personal definition of the differance… the uncontrollable compulsion to do it as opposed to the guy just thinks, “oh hey, that’d be fun.” I think most true sex addicts do feel shame. Hate themselves for what they are doing and just like an alcoholic, sometimes really MEAN it when they say they will stop. The problem is, if it is truly an addiction as the word is defined, they CAN’T. And that is the scary part.
I’d rather it be an @$$hole who chooses to do it because they can choose NOT to. In the blink of an eye. Compared to an addict who has a hell of a fight in order to stop.
What the saying, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, its a duck. But if we don;t call it a duck or if no one catches the duck…is it still a duck.
Of course. Maybe it takes a loved one to point it out to them. Many think that if they get married to the woman of their dreams it will magically go away. I do think that some really truely hope for this.
My SA was an addict long before he met me.
And diane i love it. I have always said this. Because if i am co-dependent…then so are his brothers, any past girlfreinds, his parents, all his friends….all of them. Anyone who comes within his presence. Funny how they don;t talk about that in therapy..they just blame the spouse. When in reality the parents are as well. After all, that is where it all started.
Love,
FloraLylo,
Yes, you are right George Clooney is honest about who he is and that’s why I love him so much……plus he’s probably good at checkers. (wink)Love Nap
Great comments all! In thinking some more about this, even a single “unattached” sex addict can do some major damage to a woman he’s “seeing.”
She might not even realize just how MANY OTHER women he’s also seeing.
just ask Carly Simon. 😉
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