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I busted him. I had installed the eblaster software. I set it up to take screen shots every five seconds (or ten seconds whatever it was). I had it all right in front of me and saved on the hard drive. If he had confessed that would have been different. Instead when i found out…i baited him. He continued to lie. Was dumbfounded as to how i found out. Then he lied and said it was for a couple minutes…it was two hours for two days in a row while he was watching our daughter and she was in the room. Well the mouse outsmarted the cat this time. I caught the cat. My h’s thing was porn. But i suspected he was still doing it when he was watching our daughter. I had my proof now. That to me is unforgivable. He said it was just that one time….yeah right. Loser.
God help us all….I`m going to puke now… then I am going to get really drunk. No kids for the first time since I found out.. I am going to have my nervous breakdown in peace.
Bev,
It is just all around devastating for you and your children and it sucks. But eventually you will listen to your true self, and I think you may already be doing that, that voice deep down that will tell you what you need to do.
My 8 year old just starting crying tonight because she had a dream that she saw her Dad with another woman. I of course asked he if she had in real life, and she said no. So then I had to explain to her that someday that might happen and that she might see her Mom with another man. The tears just started to roll down her cheeks and the only thing she could say is that she didn’t want a Stepdad or Stepmom. It was heart breaking and makes me so mad at what he has done, and of course he does not have to deal with any of it. But our home is happier, and I am happier therefore a better a parent. I also don’t want to teach my girls what a dysfunctional relationship looks like, and have them repeat the cycle.So stay strong and when it’s the right time to make a decision, either way, you will know deep down.
Bev,
I just read your forum and it’s heartbreaking. I remember those feelings well and did everything I could do. In my heart the day I found out, D day, I knew it was probably over. I knew if he could do all that toe behind my back for so long, he didn’t really love me, not a healthy love. His love for me was a sick love. I knew it was likely over however I did give him a chance and he blew it big time. He lobed his addiction more, and it’s good I found out the truth. Thinking of you and sorry for all the heartache he’s given you.Love, Nap
Bev
Having a hard time reading ur posts thru the tears. I feel like I’m living ur life and vice versa. Along w the lives of each of the sisters. My heart aches for you, for each of us
I Feel in a way I’m starting all over again w recent disclosure mtg. It’s been a year now, I can’t believe I’ve known about this for a year. That this is my reality. That his choices have forced me into a life where the choices i make will cause tremendous pain for each involved. Regardless of whether I stay or go, the cost and pain involved…….tremendous
I too am holding out hope that my husband is the one who continues his sobriety against all odds, he’s the father of my kids and I want him healthy. But will he, prob not.
There is a part of me that believes he’s truly changed, but I keep coming back to the fact that it doesn’t matter to me.
That no amount of change will lead me to have a fulfilling life w him. I’ve got too much to overcome.
My triggers come from everywhere
And after my childhood sexual abuse, i cannot imagine having a sexual relaionship w a sex addict how do you allow ur self to be open and vulnerable w someone who objectifies women, urghhhhhhh
The fact that he did not consider once how his behavior would impact me as a wife or as a survivor makes me want to scratch his eyes out.
And so then i begin to realize I don’t want him to be one of the few, I want the one slip so I can kick him out.
But I could kick him out now, I already have the justification to do so and yet here I sit.
Doing nothing
Taking no action
Having an occassional meltdown
While he lives life happier, more content, engaged with family and friends, w little understanding of the price I pay each day.
I want so much to live life happier, to be more content, engaged again
And yet here I sit
Wishing it would all just go away
Knowing it won’t
And being unwilling to move forward, to pay the price of reclaiming my life.
Wishing someone would pay the price for me, or lend me the strength, wisdom and courage it takes to choose me.Did I just write that?!
Honestly, that’s exactly where I am. But two-plus years farther post-discovery…
I have found it diffficult to respond to this painful thread with my usual “take no prisioner” approach. The pain expressed in Bev and Stacy’s posts is so raw and so dead on it hits like a blow to the solar plexus. As Nap said…I think I knew the second I found out there was ANY infidelity or lying. I knew down deep my life would never be the same. For me…that is not love. You don’t do what my husband did if you love someone…you do what he did if you are using someone and taking them for granted. I am married legally BUT I am no longer married emotionally. I cannot get past this…I don’t even want to.I would not have married him if I had known so why would I want to be married to him now that I do know? For me..my initial reaction was the one closest to my truth. I should have left then. Of course, it is the letting go of the ‘dream’ that is the hardest part of all? I loved being married and I loved my husband and my life. I didn’t want to let that life go… but in the end trying to keep it would mean letting go of who I am and that I cannot do. Each woman has to decide what she can get past..what she can live with. I cannot live with this…not at all.
Karen xx15 years in, a COSA wife convinced me I was married to an SA. I was still in that blissful happy place called denial and I laughed at her suggestions, until I decided to test them and whala, he confessed to 5 affairs/porn/masturbation etc. ALL ADDICTS LIE, so it was probablyl 10 affairs, Craigs List sex and God knows what else. I can barely stomache this stuff. Being a good Catholic girl (I too met him when I was 25 and thought I had to marry the guy I slept with) I rolled up my sleeves and decided to work on the marriage. (I was also nursing my 3rd and pregnant with my 4th…no the ideal time to divorce.) I am a Teacher by trade…thorough and detailed and efficient. We did EVERYTHING every expert said to do…all the secular one and all the Christian/Cahtolic ones. Things were better. I thought things were better. The sex seemeed better. It was 2-3x a week which was better, I thought, than me going to bed alone and him masturbating to computer porn. 20 years in, I had hit “acceptance.” I had “healed.” Then I just happened to drive past him with his Secretary in his car (caught an alcoholic with whiskey in his hand) Once again, my COSA friend had to convince me to polygraph him, which i relunctantly did…and I found out he wasn’t using porn at home anymore….just at work. Bev, you are dealing with a MASTER MANIPULATOR. Trust your gut. If your gut is not feeling “the stay” RUN FOR THE HILLS and spare yourself all the time and money of working on a marriage that never was. You deserve so much better. We all do. I had a Therapist (wisely) tell me that no matter how selfish I might FEEL, because I had a tendency towards codependency, I would NEVER get to true selfishness. I am still not sure if I am really coda…but what she said gave me the permission I needed to take care of me. IMHO, these SA’s just get better and better at their game and they are AMAZING actors. Have you seen the Sundance documentary SHAME? It’s out on Netflix now. Really raw stuff, but I saw parts of my soon to be xh in that movie that scared me to death….like how they can’t really peform with women they are emotionally intimate with and how they treat the “people they love.” If you stay, and try again, no one would fault you…giving a person one more chance to do the right thing makes sense in a lot of circles, but I’m telling you that next relapse is almost as bad as initial disclosure and if I had to do it over again, I would have left after initial disclosure, I’d be so much further ahead and further healed instead of 5 more years “in” as the wife of a SA. Even when/if he’s sober, you’ll have the underlying personality disorders to deal with. I truly believe as a Christian/Catholic that you CANNOT take a vow of fidelity when you are addicted to infidelity. Men who are addicted to infidelity or just plain old philanderers (once a cheater always a cheater) are not marriage material. That said, I certainly mean no disrespect to the women who have chosen to stay or the ones stuck on the fence. (I’ve been stuck on the fence since his relapse in 11/10, just recently jumped off and filed.) For thousands of years, women have remained in marriages for MANY other reasons other than true love. I’m looking for Mr. Darcy next. I think Jane Austen got it right! Good luck with your decision Bev and thanks for so eloquently describing what so many of us have felt for so long.
bev,
I also want to say that I, in the past, always listened to the lies. Against my better judgement kept giving him “one more chance” and with each d-day I just got more and more numb and suppresed more and more anger until I just didn’t feel much at all anymore. I think you are just beautiful, full of life and a lovely person and I would hate to see you going through this hell over and over. I also understand you wanting your family to make it -him to kick this and he really seems to be going through all the motions of recovery. I’m behind you either way only you know what is right for you. I just wanted to add that my best friend has been telling me for the last ten years that there is no way my sah could really love me and do the things he does….Dear Sisters,
Im hearing your pain…and I can relate so much that it tears my heart out. I feel so much love for all of you-truly, some of the most amazing women I have ever known!
I think I get what Karen said about not wanting to respond in her normal “take no prisoners” way, because I find myself feeling that I have no right or business commenting on this thread at all. Because I have escaped…I dont know how to articulate it, but what comes to mind is some kind of survivors guilt. Like what can I say to people I love who are still in the buring building? What right do I have to say anything at all? Other than, I love you guys. And in a very real way, you saved my life. You took me to the place where I could let go. I am grateful. I owe you all. And Im on your side….It`s a perfect thing to say Bonnie. You should suffer no survivor`s guilt. You should celebrate every ounce of the courage you possess. Of course we are in pain. It isn`t anything that any of you can change. I know that if it was possible that I would take on pain for all of you. But I can`t….
The truth just fucking hurts sometimes. God never promised us an easy road. He never told any of us that this life would be perfect and easy. He promised to walk it with us. Just like the sisters…
My pain and anger is a real thing. Not an emotion, not a feeling, but a real live tangible thing.
My heart is torn into a million pieces. I struggle with being true to myself and doing what I know is right. I finally got the chance to blow up because my kids are not home. I needed to do it. I cried, yelled, screamed, blamed, and cussed for over an hour last night. I finally got so mad that I got in my car and left. I was gone for about 20 minutes before I realized that I had left with no wallet ( money, driver`s license, cc, insurance card…).
The whole rant stemmed from the fact that my H had texted me earlier in the day ” How are you doing? I`m thinking about you.”…… I dug out about 5 things I had as proof of his SA and took pics and texted him back… ” oh, here you are thinking about me at Christmas while you fucked a hooker and was late for my son`s program”… I sent his “fuck buddy” phone list, his hotel bills, his phone sex bils…etc.
He was mortified. And then turned angry when I asked him about using “college coeds” for phone sex and our daughter is 4 years from college!!!
To rap this ramble up. I am angry. I am sick. I am sad beyond words. I am scared.
I have to find me. I know I`m there. I have just ignored me and in the words of For Now….. I have to choose ME. Whatever that means.
I love each and every one of you and I pray for all of us.
Bev, I’ll bet him getting angry pissed you off royally – as it should. Stupid Man. IMHO, I wouldn’t categorize his copping an attitude as being in true ‘recovery’. Keep an eye on that shit. I’d say he’s permanently lost the right to be angry at anything you say from here until eternity. Hang in there, girl. Love, Liza
My throat is closed tight and I can barely breath through all my crying reading this post Bev.
You are screaming my thoughts and emotions out. The anger sadness and frustration is overwhelming. I feel like I am grieving the loss of a loved one and in a way that is exactly what is happening. The man I love and created 3 beautiful children with is GONE. (Not that I’m sure he ever existed to begin with) Who am I? What am I? What do I do now? What do I do for my kids? I would do anything for them. I would die for them. So does this mean that I stay married to their father for them? UGH!!!
Having your H make an effort makes it even that much harder to leave. I don’t know about you but the last thing I want is for him to point the finger at me and say I’m the bitch that gave up and threw in the towel while he was trying to do the work. (Not that my H has shown any interest in doing any work.)
Anyway, I’m so glad found this board but I am so sorry any of us are here. XOXO to you and FINDING YOU! 🙂
I just went thru my photo albums and pulled out the sweet pics of my babies…. The same babies that he bitched about to the marriage counselor.. ( claimed he had no say in having them and just FYI, I had to go to a fertility doc to get pregnant… He jacked off in a cup. Hard to say you didn`t know what that meant). I look at their precious faces and I just break. Now, he says if he loses them then he would kill himself….
That son of a bitch…
I am seriously thinking of starting a fire in my fire pit and burning my wedding album. Can anyone give me one good reason not to?
Michelle, I am so sorry for your pain and if these vile guys just did this to us then I might have some sympathy but they hurt our kids….
Oh Bev! Wish I were there to cry, scream or whatever with you. I know you are releasing right now and I know that burning that album was a mere substitute for what you really want to do to your H. In the end WE have to be the ones there for our kids. THEY are not capable of loving us or our children they way in which we all deserve. {{HUGS}} to you. I hope you are alright right now and haven’t set your H on fire.
Wow Bev, I am so sorry as a beautiful woman like you who is full of life and love is getting to the point of burning albums to ease the pain,
but I am so glad that you burned it maybe that will be the start for you to climb up the mountain to the top where the air is fresh and clean and where no SAs exist as they can never live up in the clear air under the light of the sun with no closed doors,,,Keep going bev. U need this. I know u dont recognize the woman in such a rage, but u need to push thru this anger an get to the other side of it. IMO the worst thing u can do is ignore what u r going thru emotionally by stuffing it down, trying to ignore it bc it just prolongs the process. It stays down until it can’t anymore and u lead a shell of a life longer than u must.
Once u go thru this. U will feel lighter. U may even look back and think. Who the f was that. But getting it out, showing it to them is the beginning of taking u back
Because the last thing u want to do is allow their behavior and choices to keep u in anger. To keep u in fear. To keep u isolated. Its the sickest part for those sah who try and become somewhat healthy. Watching those who stay w them become unraveled and unhealthy. That is where I draw the line. I will not get stuck in the depths of hell bc of his behavior. I’m pushing thru and taking u w me
I love u girl. Let it outMushlrc
U put into words the two things I am having the hardest f ing time w
The ones who try, make it that much harder to leave
And that I would die for my kids, and can’t seem to move thru leaving while he tries. It feels like a life I should bear for them bc he is so kind and working so hard now.
And all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs. Its not good enough for me
Not only do I deserve more. I WANT more
I want to be loved, honored and cherished by someone I can trust enough to be intimate w.
And Ive had it, and gave it up to support him and try to work it out. And I miss it, and I hate my husband even more((Bev)) You don’t deserve to be in this pain. I understand all too well the rage and sense of helplessness. And the way they tell this fabricated crap to their idiot therapists. Let the feelings pass through you, Bev. These are the worst times when it all boils over. I never wanted to reach this age and find myself in raging mode way too many times. I am way too old for this shit. This horrible feeling you’re having right now will pass in a little while. Let it all out on here, Bev. We all understand what you are going through, and how absolutely horrible it feels. Sending you much love and support. xoxo
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