Is it enough?

Bev, I’m right there with you. But I destroyed my wedding pics a long time ago, along with crashing the porcelain couple that sat atop our wedding cake. And still, I’m a raving lunatic–raging and out of control. Last night, I threw something (a plastic and metal coat-hanger?) at the mirror in the bathroom, because he was accusing me of being “emotionally abusive” for sending him articles about narcissism. He suggested that by sticking around for my tirades, he’s proven his love for me. He said, “Most men wouldn’t listen to their wives scream such awful things at them…” So I lost it, and screamed even louder, “MOST MEN DON’T DESTROY THEIR FAMILIES BY FUCKING ANYTHING THAT HAS A HOLE IN IT ANY CHANCE THEY GET!!!!!

Needless to say, I should get a grip. I’m planning to fly a white flag for the 4th.

March, I just want to throw up at him calling you ’emotionally abusive’ for sending him narcissism articles. That thing they do is so damn typical. I don’t know what planet they live on and I really don’t want to know.

Bev, enjoy your time at the beach. There is something so calming and grounding about the ocean. I have a pipe dream of tossing it all and finding a shack on the beach somewhere.

Deb, I envy you that you don’t get in rages. Maybe that’s not the right thing to say, because I know the anger has to come out in some form or another, but I just absolutely hate the times I’ve been in raging mode. Also want to thank you for telling us about the August intensive that Minwalla is doing to teach SAs about what they’ve done to their partners. When my h recently sent an email asking the usual, ‘Is there something I can do to help?’ I responded with a link to that intensive. We’ll see if h can fit it into his oh-so-busy schedule.
xoxo

Annie – that’s too funny – you envy me that I don’t rage – and I envy you (March and Bev) that you do. I think that rage shows our SA’s that we respect and value ourselves. I’ve been a “I understand this is a sickness” most of the time. Yuck. My husband says that he’s happy that I haven’t raged because it makes him so uncomfortable because his mom did that a lot. Really?

Yesterday my husband raged in therapy. I brought up the Minwalla intensive in August. He went ballistic – said that he’s not going to do anything that I ask him to do. I’m so glad that he went nuts in front of the therapist. The therapist really let him have it. He said to my SAH “why wouldn’t you be interested in helping your wife with her trauma?”. I felt very supported. Turns out that it’s a “mommy dearest thing” and to be honest – I’m so over it. He kept saying “stay on your side of the street” and I screamed “It’s for ME!!!”. Our therapist said that it’s his inner teenager protecting his scared little boy. Yuck. I don’t care who the hell it is – it’s not very attractive. As you all point out – these guys need to be on their fucking knees. Glad to hear that Bev has hers willing to burn the house down with her.

I personally don’t want to take on my husband’s petulant teenager. Our stable of therapists can do that. Now that I know what the hell it is (and that it really isn’t a sign that he doesn’t care about me – but that he’s very sick) I’m just going to stay clear and do what I need to do to take care of myself. If he doesn’t figure it out soon – he can find another mom surrogate to kick around. I’m over it.

Deb

Deb, I don’t think it’s wrong that you don’t rage. You’re a thinker, instead of a reactor. And it seems to me that you are looking out for yourself and getting some distance. And you’re also very compassionate and know how to put yourself in another person’s shoes. Your h could learn a lot from you. All these farking SA’s could. xoxo

Bev – geeezzz Bev – what a horrible comment that your SAH made in therapy. How hurtful. Glad to hear he’s singing a new tune and you are throwing the red flags all over the place.

Annie – thanks for your pep talk. Yeah – I do think a lot and intellectualize everything. But it’s also important to feel. I’m definitely accessing grief, sorrow and pain…..just not anger. I can feel anger on behalf of my kids, though – he really put them through the wringer. I think they are calming down a bit – but it was a rough road – and they didn’t even fully know what was going on.

Our therapist yesterday showed me (through psychodrama – he’s very good) how my husband is moving like a snail in his recovery and why (fear). I think that’s the problem….I’m just now sure how long I want to wait. I want peace and quiet and a life with someone healthy – and I don’t want it when I’m old and grey.

Deb

Ha!

Bev,

I forgot to mention something last night while we chatted. Remember telling me everytime you pull into the drive and see his truck you want to slam on the gas and crash into it sending it thru the fence and into y’alls pool?

Well, since he’s so agreeable, do you think he would agree to be sitting in the driver’s seat when you do it?

Or better yet, to keep you from going to jail (being that orange is NOT our color), could he just agree to be the driver, slam on the gas and do it himself while you watched??

I picture you standing to the side and freaking doing cheerleader kicks and jumps as it happens!

The kids. Ahhhhhh……funny you should mention that. My SAH has been spending a lot of time at work (presumably) and playing golf over the last week. Today at the dentist, our son asked me “why isn’t Dad home much lately??”. I answered – “he’s been working a lot”. Then my 11 year old son said “Yeah right and rolled his eyes”….and my daughter followed suit “yeah…”. I know that this is a remnant of my husband’s binge last Feb. when he was coming and going as he pleased (staying with his church buddy when he wanted screw the granny) and put us through a living hell. He told our son a few months ago that he had an affair during that time – so I think they are triggered when he’s not around that much. It broke my heart (and our course triggered me) when they did this today.

I went to yoga after the dentist and just got a call from him. Guess where he is? You guessed it: the golf course. Then he has his weekly 12 step meeting and won’t be home until 9pm. I’ve been feeling down and he could sense it. He asked what was wrong – so I told him that the kids miss him and so do I. Then I told him what they said. He got angry (really?) and said that he is working so hard and why would the kids say such a thing? Really? He was actually going to come home and yell at them. Wow. Now that just breaks my heart and makes me pissed. I’m sure he’s going to try and blame it on me somehow (like I was telepathically sending them a message to be triggered). He said he wasn’t ready to talk to them about it and he wasn’t going to say anything to them.

For the first time, I can see that his “anger” is really shame. Ughhhh…… I can take shame, but the anger is really pathetic.

He said he was going to skip his 12 step meeting – I told him that wouldn’t be such a good idea. Yuck.

I know this has nothing to do with me….but sad nonetheless.

Deb

God, Deb, your h is worthless. Thinks ONLY of himself. How dare he come and go as he pleases, play golf…etc., while you hold down the fort and have to answer for him to the children.
“He said he wasn’t ready to talk to them about it and he wasn’t going to say anything to them.” HE’S NOT READY??!!! Does he think about THEM? The fact that THEY might NEED for him to talk to them?

Who cares if his anger is “shame” (which he SHOULD feel and DEAL with like a fucking grown-up) or fear or whatthefuckever else the smart ones tell us anger is covering up? Anger displayed in ugly ways has consequences. It hurts people. If your kids already know he had an affair and are at the point where they do not trust him or believe in him (smart kids, by the way) but roll their eyes in disgust, why keep him in their midst?

March – thanks for getting me to look at this. I talked to my DAH last night about it and as I suspected, he actually tried to blame it on me. The moron actually said “The kids are just reacting to you”. I told him that’s not true – but now that I’ve slept on it, I’m seething angry. (Yup – Deb’s finally feeling angry!).

I’m stark raving mad. How DARE he blame me? He blamed me for 10 months for him screwing grannies, prostitutes, etc. until I woke up (no thanks to our fuckin moron of a marriage therapist) – and now he wants to blame me for our kids being upset?

Our son last night told him (and then me) that he is just worried that his dad will leave and never come back. How heartbreaking. And I had NOTHING to do with that. He is trying to throw that shit at me and I have the shield up – and I’m stark raving mad that he would try and throw that shameful shit at me. I should make him eat his shit pie.

Oh – and here’s the funny part. When he heard that the kids were upset – he got angry and then wanted to race home – and miss his weekly 12 step meeting. Wow – that could have been a two for one special! Blame Deb AND miss my meeting because she riled up the kids. How convenient that would have been. Yuck.

Deb
Seething in San Francisco