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My god. Do they produce these men in a factory as some sort of freak experiment they are all so damn similar
Annabegins, I have been struck over and over on this site by how similar these guys are. They may engage in their own SA stuff, but the selfishness and narcissism is the same. When Deb described the shame that then evolved into anger, it took me back to the cycles of shame/anger/etc. that I dealt with over and over and over. For years. And we are always become part of the problem in their eyes.
And then when they can see we are at the end of our rope, when they think they may lose their “family”, they make all these promises and get us to believe they are trying. Yet it is just to keep things intact to meet their needs. In my case I don’t think it was to meet the needs of our kids, or me. It was so he wouldn’t lose the daily source of family love for HIM.
Then he would fall again, and the cycle would start all over.
Even if they were raised by wolves, they need to learn how to live in a world where they need to give, to think about someone other than themselves. No pass.
My heart breaks for all of you still living in the storm.
Great post sunny. You described exactly my experience with my xh and you described him too. There is nothing mutual about these relationships.
I hope it is okay that I am reposting some old threads today. I guess I feel like some of these themes are constant, and it might be helpful to rehash both the pain and the insights for sisters who are in those spots today.
I think it’s great, Bonnie (btw, why are you showing up as Deleted User?). It’s eye-opening to read some of the same things that were said a year or more ago. In one of March’s post on the other thread, she said a year and 3 months ago that she was “at the end of her rope”! It goes to show how long & fucked up a process this can be b/c it took her almost another year to truly be at the end. I think this is so beneficial for the newer sisters to see – that this will not just go away. You cannot just sweept this under the rug. Trust me, I did that 10 years ago and look where I am today. If you don’t take action now (and I’m not just suggesting leaving, I’m saying getting your h. to do the serious work he needs to do to get sober/on the road to recovery), you’ll be right back here a year from now wondering why you’re still stuck. I know that is something I kept thinking about in the months since I joined in late November. And for me, that helped me to move forward.
Rushing off to work now, but thank yo “deleted user” for reposting some old threads. Very helpful. Would welcome more of them for us “new” sisters.
This old thread made me cry again and I didn’t think I had any tears left….
I still mean every word I said.
Yep, That’s me. I am always saying a mouthful. I don’t back down from one word of it.
They may be sick and childhood abused and maybe it isn’t personal but God Dammit, it is very personal to me.
I can cry and I can laugh. No matter what I do or don’t do, I know that there is NO excuse for the pain that these guys caused by fucking ( not heir wives).
I Reread it all. Was a very painful post you wrote that time Bev. So true all of it? Does it even matter what they do…can any of us be satisfied with what they do? It is a BIG question for partners and an important area for all of us to look at. Focus off them and onto us and what CAN we live with…even if he follows recovery to the lettor (what ever that is ). Those of us who are around awhile can see how women transition from what they husband is doing or not doing and then eventually shift from how much difference what he does or doesn’t do makes to how WE feel. Its a good place to put some thought?
Hugs Bev–didn’t mean to drag you through it all over again. What you said was just so true and I thought it might help others to see it.
Skipped forward to tell you this –
Bev, IMO, it isn’t enough, you deserve better. He ruined was was supposed to be exclusive and special between the two of you. There are no do overs for that. So hard.
While many of our stories details are different, I am speaking from experience here and from the fact that I got sicker and sicker all the while I tried to get over it. That. Has. Finally Stopped.
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