- This topic has 8 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 10 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I’m new here as of yesterday. A year ago February, I discovered my husband’s online sex activity, the probability that he had been seeing prostitutes, and the fact that he was registered on dating sites. I filed for divorce, and that was final last May. I have been through the hell of a broken heart since then, but I had been much better for a few months. I had gotten to the point where I thought I had come to terms with how sick he is, and I was so proud of myself for getting out of the marriage. I have started being very very sad again in the last few days. I have been longing to be with him and to talk to him and to be held by him. I’m back to lots of crying and toal bafflement at what happened. He has not willing to speak to me since I first confronted him and he left our home, so there was no processing of what happened at all. I feel like I have lost touch emotionally with all the crap he put me through and can only feel the love I once felt so strongly. I don’t feel like I can tell any of my friends that I am feeling like this again. Am I crazy to be weeping for him again?
Hi Polly,
Welcome to our sisterhood, you are in the right place to express those feelings and ask those questions. My first thought is that it is so hard to put those feelings behind us even when we have the opportunity for conversation, discussion, and closure with a cooperative SA spouse in recovery and support from other women who have gone through this, and the help of a good therapist. Most of us are still working on our complex feelings about our lives with our SA spouses and our feelings about them and ourselves. So what I’m trying to say is that I think you are very “normal” if that word can be used in the context of the traumatic experience you have been through without support. You are weeping for what could have been, not what actually was. We all understand that. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the time you need. I learn so much from the wisdom and experience of every woman on this site. I feel their pain and confusion and uncertainty and fear and it helps me process my own. It must be so painful for you to not have him talk to you since your discovery. I am really sorry for what you have been through:(
Your friend,
MarieThank you, Marie. It did add to the trauma that the man that I thought was my beloved husband just disappeared. Not literally, because I know where he is, but he would never talk to me. I have had lots of wonderful support from friends and family, but now it seems they want me done with it. I was going to a wonderful grief counselor, but he has had a terrible accident.
Was none of my marriage real? That haunts me so much. As I read from the rest of you, I thought I had married the love of my life, my soul mate, etc. I don’t know how to comprehend the level of deceit that went on. And I don’t seem to be able to let go without understanding. Will I ever be healed? It feels like something has changed forever inside.
Dear Polly
I am sorry for the lack of closure you have with your ex. However I think you are more fortunate than you realize that he does not contact you. For many us, during a weak moment after we finally leave an SA, when we miss them and feel sad, the SA is right there to suck us back in-brrrg, the phone rings . We go back for another round, and then we find nothing has changed. You don’t want this merry go round in your life. You can really start new with someone else, without interference.
I know you said you were very proud of yourself to have left the marrige. And you should be! You deserve love and respect. The fact that he has not contacted you is likely because he cannot deal with his “problem.” He is likely doing everything he was doing before.
As for the marriages being real? My mantra is yes they were real, because we were real. We really loved someone with a problem they were not honest about. And any attempt to deal honestly with the problem was avoided and the problem continued to disrespect and hurt me. So I had to make a decision. hugs to you. give a pat on your back for sticking up for yourself and being brave.Welcome Polly,
I feel those contradictory emotions. I first was so shocked and hurt by the very thought that my husband would do such a thing. Then came more disclosure and the rage of the betrayal. Then came being nice while I was sickened and hating him. Now I am just numb and very afraid to make any choices. I am afraid that any choice I make will be the wrong one.
I had the belief that my marraige was something it wasn’t, I was deceived. Not that I didn’t know there were problems but I didn’t know that there were those kind of problems. And mine is “just” porn and mastubation and intimacy/sexual withholding. That is humiliating and maddening. But I flash back and forth between the life I thought I lived and what I learned was going on. I run the gamut of emotions daily. My 25th wedding anniversary is in a week, we have no plans. I think grandiose thoughts about leaving and then think he’ll get all better and find a new great life and I’ll be alone in a trailer eating cat food. He and I talk and talk and he’s in counseling for his childhood issues but does not want to talk about sex. Or he wants to skim over the deep pain and the actual issues involved in sex addiction and move on to everything is normal, but it will never be normal again. I found out last July. I am not even close to getting over it. I haven’t got all the way into it yet.
It seems like the reason he cut off contact from you is his deep shame over discovery. Please share more of your story, do you have children together, how long were you marrried, how did you find out? It seems that no matter how they react, there is terrible pain for us and so many questions without answers. And even if there are answers, as in my case, they only give validation to the odd feelings I’ve had all my marraige. I have an answer why but it doesn’t erase the facts or ease the pain. You have no answer and I cannot imagine how much worse that would be to process.
I do think we can burn out those around us because they don’t understand the trauma. There is a book JoAnn advertises called Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means addresses the trauma and healing process that the partners need to go through. Dr. Milton Magness has a couple video clips on this website acknowledging the trauma of the spouse and her healing. Keep searching for your healing and keep in community.
I think that something has forever changed inside all of us. But we will not be in this place forever. I believe that we will eventually heal and move into a better place in our lives.
A big cyber (((hug)))
Debora
It is so nice to come home at the end of the evening and find all this support and understanding. Thanks.
Pam C, it is interesting that you mention that I am lucky my ex will not speak to me. I talked to a woman in my town who had been through it, and she said the same thing. She spent five years believing her husband’s apologies and promises before she finally knew she had to leave. I have craved just one of those expressions of remorse and “Please don’t leave me” from my husband. But you are probably right that it would just suck me back in to the same old mess. I think that when I confronted him, I thought he would love me so much and not want to lose me and try to get better. I still struglle with believing that I could have loved him out of it.
Debora, I really relate to your fear that if you leave your husband, he will get all better and have a fine life with someone else. I know my ex is dating now, and I imagine the same thing about him. I should feel sorry for the new women, but I feel jealous.
Also, like you, Deborah, the “only” things I know about for sure are cyber sex and withdrwal from me sexually. Also, finding out what he was doing explained what had felt like some big mystery in our marriage.
It is sooooo hard to accept the reality of this illness. I just have never been around anything like this before. I grew up with lots of alcoholic relatives. There were a lot of hurtful and dysfunctional things that went with the drink, but I never before felt like someone was unable to love or somehow had a piece missing. Does anyone else feel like that? That their SA is missing something crucial deep in their being?
I’m too long winded, but it is so good to find women that understand.
Dear Polly
it is so wonderful to have support here. It is one of the few and honest and loving places. You will find truth, even it it is not what you want to hear. It often grounds me.
I try to be thankful for what I do have, and even in this mdist of complete crap, something good will arise. Because I seek goodness, and so do you.
Tonight is reminder of the merry go round I spoke of. My Sa, (we are still under same roof, supposed recovery , blah blah) sent me a text — I love you with all my heart. I want to get better. He supposedly had 2 client meetings. He is unlocatable. non reachable. somehow his blackberry is dead he “lost” charger since I installed family locator. any idea the anxiety here? all i wanted was a happy a family and children. He continyues to take my time and fertility without either being fulfilled. this is no marriage. this is sick. I too will be making decisions, hard ones, cutting ones, in the near future.
I am so glad that you cut yours. Polly, mourn and cry but be ever thankful he stays away. It is your greatest asset to find happiness again. The addiction comes before all, marriage, kids, family, home, honor– a very far second. don’t live your life in second place. I am trying to move to first. it is not easy. love to allWelcome Polly – so glad to have you with us. I agree that you are much better off not having to contend with having to deal with your’e husband. It seems they all act one or two ways. The first, being, they are happier in they’re own little world of fantasy and have absolutely no insight into the fact there is anything wrong with them. Or, they are happy with they’re addiction, but still want the “Good Ol Wife” so they can maintain a fascade of normalcy – they need a security blanket. I am sure you know by now, that most SA’s do not recover or learn to manage they’re addiction.
Consider yourself lucky, in that, you don’t have to put up with any more lies, deceit, and manipulation that so many of us have been subjected to after we make the decision to leave.
I know how you feel in wishing your’e husband had fought to keep you – I wished that as well, but the addict cannot do that – the addiction is foremost in they’re lives. They are so self centered that they can only think of themselves.
I know you are hurting – you are going through the stages of grief, and it will take you a while to reach acceptance. I think there is nothing worse than betrayal from a husband, and then going through the divorce is like a death.
Don’t worry about him finding someone else – just pity the poor woman. She will be going through what you have been through, and he will be just as deceptive to her as he was to you.
So, while you are going through all of the pain associated with living with an SA, and the loss of a marriage, we are all here for you whenever you need us.
I am going through a divorce right now, and it isn’t easy for anyone, but I find peace in knowing living with my husband would have brought years and years of more trauma and suffering. We all deserve better. I am so happy you had the strength to follow through.
Love to youHi Everyone – my computer and phone service has been out for 24 hrs. I felt like I was in withdrawal! This site is so wonderful for us all, and we have all come so far because of everyone here lending support and friendship. I really miss it when I can’t have access to it.
I was supposed to sign divorce papers today, and the attorney called to say we have to re-schedule for Friday because she has the flu. This is the second cancellation, so gets very frustrating when I am all geared up to get it done, and then have to pospone. Oh well – Only two more days!
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.