is sex addiction more personal compared to other addictions?

Correctamundo, Marie. Your instincts are right on target – always go with your gut. If any “therapists” ever try to convince you that sex addiction is like “any other addiction,” well, fire them on the spot. They are probably crazier than your sex addict! Their “advice” is the last thing you need. Giving you advice like that is, honestly, malpractice. If they are that out of touch with reality, I might report them to their licensing boards. They are supposed to be there to help, not add to your trauma. They are probably more maladjusted than the majority of people – addicts or not.

My husband of 35 years is cross addicted – a recovering alcoholic and recently discovered sex addict. He probably had warning signs of SA before but, at the time, preferred booze.

Point #1 – with chemical addiction, they are pretty much right out in the open. You know when then they are buying & using. You can see the effects. They are pretty straight forward addictions. Not so with sex addiction. I didn’t have a clue about his “activities,” not one. Looking back, there might have been some red flags but not many, in fact, nothing right in your face, like chemical addictions. That is one of the reasons that sex addiction is referred to as a “shadow” addiction. Sex addiction is kept a secret from everyone but the sex addict – and they usually think they are “normal.” Most people have some knowledge, understanding and compassion for other additions. They try and understand what you are going through. But sex addiction is a totally different game. Not only does SA move the goal posts from all other addiction models but it as if the goal posts have been replaced with a net.

#2 You are so right about SA being much worse than other addictions. It rips apart your primary relationship. You, in an instant, wonder who in the hell you have been married to for all these years. For me, this discovery has been MUCH more traumatic than his drinking ever was. Tell your husband to find another therapist. It is part of establishing YOUR essential boundaries. Do it for yourself because it really helps to have good therapists involved.

#3 Just a few tips on finding a proper therapist: Interview them on the phone and in person. Ask them about their experience with sex addiction, not just addictions in general. Make sure they also specialize in trauma and PTSD and, perhaps, personality disorders. No “new age” crap allowed. I interviewed four before I found the right one. After all, you are paying them, not the other way around.

I hope this helps. I’ve been there. If you have any more questions, please ask. You will find more information on this web site than with many therapists. Please take care of yourself and remember that the reason all of us are here is to help YOU.

Our marriage counselor said sex addicction eats away at a marriage from the inside out. In the later years, as we continued to work, and he continued to find ways to access porn, it ate away at me, hollowing me out inside. In the end, I did move forward with a divorce (not quite a month ago). He seems to be boucing back quickly, yet I am grieving. Not sure what other addictions are like, but this one destroyed what was once a close relationship with my best friend.

Nap, I had nearly an identical experience. One reason they don’t disclose is because consciously they think they can manage it and subconsciously they really aren’t ready to give up the acting out when opportunity is there. They say that emotional maturing halts at the onset of addiction. My husbands sexual addiction started with pornography at 11-12yrs old and he knew he had a problem but I don’t think he dreamt that he would ever have become horribly and chronically unfaithful with actual women as he became. He really believed that he could put the fantasizing and erotic massage behind him when we married. But he never addressed the problem of his need for female affirmation to nurse the insecure adolescent boy (that childhood friends have told me that he was) in him so it only got worse.

Unlike others, sexual addiction is a RELATIONAL addiction that sears through our most intimate bond. I had to correct him and his counselor when they said that it was equally an affront to his relationship with our kids and God. Sorry, a sin for sure, and there is absolutely collateral damage to our family, but his sexuality belonged to me and he took it away from me and gave that precious part of us to others. So different from other addictions. Sunny, I thought he was my best friend too. I was certainly his.

Hi all,
Lylo, I think my husband started the same way as yours did, (also same age) especially the way you described. I really think he thought he could stop when he got married. Addictions progress if they are not treated. Unfortunately, I can atest to that.

Sunny, I think how your therapist describes SA is so true. It does eat at a marriage from the inside out.

cbslife, I would like to ask you what you mean that your SA will never have sex again? Please explain if you feel comfortable doing so.

NAP,
He WILL have sex again. I was just pointing out the difference in addictions. An alcoholic can never have a drink again, but a sex addict can have sex again.

Hi sisters,
I was married to an alcoholic for 6 years, we spend a total of 8 years together. Like Katt who said, quote: “I left him to be with my partner now and to tell you the truth I would go back to that life in a heart beat.” Yep, I would too and kiss his feet as well!!!

I think being married to, or in a relationship with any kind of addict is a rough ride. The relationship is filled with drama, constant arguements, empty promises, false hope – because more often than not, the addiction wins every time.

However, you asked for differences between a SA and other addictions, here is my take on it:

My alcoholic ex truly loved me and married me because of it – my SA h needed (and used) me and married me under false pretences.

I didn’t have to spy on my alcoholic ex, when he’d been drinking there was never any doubt about it. I could see it, hear it, smell it and he never tried to convince and/or insult me in saying that I must be imagine things, was paronoid, insane, obsessive or sick in the head.
My SA h in comtrast would lie, smooth over, be insulting, justify and even caused me to doubt what I saw. There were occasions though when I could actually see that he was acting out again. He secretely took Viagra and whenever he did, his eyes were totally bloodshot and his nose was dry, which caused him to repeatedly use nose-spray.

What I found to be similar, was the blame shifting. I have never ever touched a single drop of alcohol in my life, because my dad and my step-dad were both alcoholics and the mere thought of drinking makes me feel sick.
My alcoholic ex on many occasions used this as an excuse for his heavy drinking. He said it was because I didn’t go out drinking with him, I caused him to go out by himself when he wanted to have a drink and he could never tell me beforehand, because I wouldn’t have allowed him to. On other occasions, someone else was at fault for persuading him to go for a drink, or bought him more than he wanted to drink or whatever.
My PA h always tried to make me feel guilty for his porn use, which we already know is ‘normal’ behaviour for them.

My alcoholic ex was always loving and affectionate; drunk or not. I never doubted his love, I just resented having to compete with his love for alcohol. We had a great sex-life and I never felt neglected, unattractive or second best sexually.
My PA h would tell me every day that he loved me, at the same time of day (morning and night) with exactly the same words, in the same tone of voice. Apart from the first year or so, I never actually felt loved. His empty, meaningless words of love started to bored me. They were just words. Nothing else. Void of emotion. Incidentally, he never ever, not once, has been able to keep his eyes open or look me in the eyes when he told me he loved me. Not once. Go figure!

The lies about money were the same with both my alcoholic ex and my SA h. They both lied about how much money was spend and where the money went. If my alcoholic ex had money, it had to be converted into beer, often he would not come home until the last penny had gone.
In contrast, my SA h has always been responsible with his money. His bills are all paid on time, he never goes into the red at the bank, we never struggled to survive. However, his stupid mother does give him a couple of thousand Euros or more behind my back so he can his fun and he’s also heavily into having sex with strangers. Free sex, risky sex.

Trust & lies – you can’t trust or believe either addict, however, I found that the lies of a PA weave themselves into every aspect of life and he will lie even when he’s not acting out or watching porn. My alcoholic ex would only lie in direct relation to his drinking and was trustworthy on a lot of other aspects of our relationship.

Promises: FORGET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

My ex’s alcohol problem made me feel embarrassed at times, but never ashamed. In stark contrast I feel shame for my PA h habits all the time – luckily it’s not as blatently obvious to others, else I probably would have strung myself up a long time ago!

Those are some of the thoughts I had after reading your questions. I am not sure if those answers were the kind of thing you were looking for. In a nutshell, life with an alcoholic is tough, stressfull and frustrating at times but by FAR more bearable than being the wife/partner of a SA and most importantly, not personal and soul destroying!!!

marie as i said earlier i was married to a drug addict for 10 years i was angry at him, sad, fed up allot of the time but not once did i ever question me. With the SA i feel empty, used,depleted,void,violated in so many ways,angry at myself and at him, alone that deep profound loneliness you feel when someone dies and you know they are gone forever,so when you asked
‘is sex addiction more personal compared to other addictions?”
i can honestly say from experiance yes. just wanted to tell you a short story my ex died 3 years ago and i had to tell my kids they cryed, i cryed and my daugghter said that her father died years ago she was crying for everything she missed by knowing he can never give that to her because hes dead and now can never get better i was thinking about that and i live with a man with SA and its like hes been dead since we met

YOU GO GIRL 🙂

I am wondering what ya”ll think and feel about this topic.While it is not offering any solutions-it offers insight.My feeling is this is the most hurtful down to my core addiction-yes for me it has been personal.

If my ‘private parts’ are involved, hell yeah, it’s personal.

I was just thinking that myself…..