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When you realize your marriage is coming to an end is it normal to feel like its the end of the world? I would appreciate input from all those who have had a marriage end. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart…..
nap i can only tell you about with my first h. i was married over 20 years and over all they were not in any means good. when i filled for divorce even knowing that i wanted to and needed to. i had very mixed emotions. i questioned myself up to the last court day, as i sat in the court house that day i sobbed like i never did before. i knew this was the best thing for me and i did want it. i so morned for what it could and should have been. i felt like i was the failure, i felt so alone, but my attorney a very old wise man looked at me and said “you are the one who has to count in this world. remember at the end of the day you will have tomorrow, you just never know what that will bring. you need to find your own happiness, this man has never been that.” nap i wish you the best on your journey please know i am standing beside you and those times you doubt yourself please remember there will always be tomorrow. be kind to yourself
much loveNAP, I am so sorry for your pain. I think it is normal for caring, loving, committed people to feel that way when their marriage ends. You married for life. I am a year a way from when my marriage blew up. There are many happier days, but the world still looks a bit gray. Sometimes I find it hard to figure out why I am living and what I am supposed to do for the rest of my life. My counseler said that we miss loving someone every bit as much as we miss being loved.
Keep writing and venting your feelings here. We stand with you in your pain.
Polly
Hi NAP,
Yes it think it is normal to feel as if your world is ending. But in a way it is. The marriage and spouse who is your world and family, its alot to take in that it could be over. Its hard, no doubt about it. When I think of the future, single mother, no man, noone to have as a companion for things…its tough. Here we go again, by myself everywhere. But I think it will be okay, and having a companion is not worht losing my self or my sanity.But I am trying to think of things to do, to fill the voids in my life. To figure out what I am missing. Really I just need more friends, and to get out more. So I need to start going to church, and I am considering starting a divorce/seperated partners support group. It never ceases to boggle my mind how much you lose when getting divorced and how even if you have some friends and they are married or in a relationship you really do not want to discuss your divorce woes with them. A group like this will allow like minded people going through the same thing to come to gether and talk about it. But it is just a thought at this time.
But don’t limit yourself as to what you can do. You are a strong capable women. I can tell. Not to mention an excellent writer/poet. You never know you could be published one day.
Focus on the things you would like to do/have. Focus on what you are missing in your life. Take the pain and sorrow, and turn it into a chance for growth and learning.
I found this neat quote for you. Because I think we only grow with change, or otherwise we remain stagnent, especially if it is in a unfulfilling relationship where we are not happy.
“Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have — and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up.” –James Belasco and Ralph Stayer, Flight of the Buffalo (1994)
I got an email from my former therapist (we still keep in touch). I had told her that my SA signed the separation agreement last weekend and I was feeling kind of weird and “off”. My therapist is Jewish. She told me that it was kind of like an “unveiling”–which is the placement of the headstone on a Jewish grave. It’s the signal that it’s time to leave the deep mourning and get on with life. But I guess that can be a little clumsy at first. And you don’t always want to. Grief can become a way of hanging onto someone you can’t have anymore. We have to trust our life without them in it. It’s a big step.
I’m no shining example, but I’m in there trying.
love to all,
D.Hi everyone,
I haven’t ended a marriage, so can’t speak from personal experience about what you are going through NAP. Flora’s comments about not having a companion and being a single mother and being by herself everywhere reinforces my feeling that I didn’t have a marriage to end. A marriage has to exist to end. For the 23 years that I was married prior to discovery, I became a single mother, became a woman without a companion, became a woman who was everywhere by herself. I found friends, hobbies, kept busy with the kids and work. And everyone made excuses for my husband not being with me “Well, he’s so busy” “That job of his!” and for a long time I said nothing. I decided at some point that I wouldn’t stay quiet anymore and when my friends or family made excuses, I said “He could be here, he chooses not to be.” And it felt good to tell the truth. We didn’t have any friends together, I had my friends and he didn’t have much interaction with them, he had a few acquaintances and I had no interaction with them. He wasn’t interested in the details of my life and wouldn’t share the details of his with me. He no longer contributed to work around the house. The one thing that I didn’t feel alone in was that he makes a lot of money and it was regularly deposited into our account. But the thing for me was that I don’t care about that, never did. My income is significantly less than his, but I could have supported myself and our 4 children without his income.
I asked my husband shortly after d-day to tell me what he thought he brought to the marriage and that I was interested in any answers besides income. He couldn’t think of anything except that he planned great vacations and hadn’t been physically unfaithful to me. My response was some version of… wow.
So, I talked to my therapist about what I would actually miss about him, being married, being in this relationship and went through a checklist:
1) companionship – no
2) co-parenting – no
3) help with the house, chores – no
4) sex – no
5) income – NA
6) loss of partner whose behavior reflected that he cared about me – no
7) loss of a partner who let me love him in the way I needed to – no
8) – trust – no
9) – safety -noAnd my therapist and I came up with a list of things I would miss or be giving up:
1) Anxiety over his behavior
2) resentment
3) Loneliness
4) the idea of a marriage with him, not the reality
5) ok, fine…..he did plan great vacations:)
And I knew that whatever relationship we had that I couldn’t call a marriage, it was over and it was just a question of legalities….seeing a lawyer, him finding a different place to live, telling our children, my friends, my family. Even with my checklists telling me I had made the right decision, the grieving was real and it was painful and I did feel like my world had ended. I met him when I was 21 and he had been a part of my life for 28 years after that at the time of discovery. But I knew that I wouldn’t accept the life I had had with him again, not for any reason. And that was my mantra at that time, that it was painful now, but it would be okay.
MarieHi Diane,
My husband and children are Jewish. Did your therapist tell you that Jewish headstones aren’t placed until a year after the burial? To allow time for processing and grieving before the unveiling:)
MarieHi Marie, My husband was a companion like a dog is. He was around. However he did/does not contribute financially and of course never halped with planning anything, not vacations either. His parents paid for vacations and took on theirs.
He however would come on outings etc, and did appear to be a good father. But it ended there, he never helped out with the house or care of children. So i think they have their good and bad points.
Your huband sounds alot like my first husband. Totally emotionally detached. So when the SA came along he appeared to be kind and affectionate, and was not lacking like your husband or my ex-husband, but it all a facade. There is nothing behind it. I fell into the trap. But compared to the ex husband he seemed like the jackpot. Well thrid times the charm….
Hi NAP,
I know how much you are hurting. It’s a quagmire of conflicting emotion, day to day.
I love your quote, Flora. I think that is exactly where we get stuck. I look back over the marraige and remember all the specific problems and how unhappy I was and now I know why. We are counseling, (at least mine is willing to look at his family of origin issues) and fighting it out but neither of us is sure that we’ll be able the save the marraige. We don’t have all our cards on the table yet, he may choose not to lay them down and that in itself is an answer. I am afraid to face that possibility and so we keep wrangling. He doesn’t want to talk much about the long term pattern of porn, self sex and withholding issues. It’s been a year since he got physically abusive and July was our porn D-Day and we have counseled since but it is so slow. He said he wouldn’t go to an intensive and talk to someone about sex with his wife. So, there’s and answer too. So, I live in pain and uncertainty everyday and try to formulate a picture of my life under different circumstances because I know that this can’t go on forever. I can’t imagine what my life will be, I am afraid. At 54, I wanted security, to know where I belong in this world. There are all kinds of possibilities for our lives. The world is full of people and we can live the life we choose. Matter of fact, we are livng the life we choose. So, I am gathering my strength, facing the truth and making contingency plans for life. Those plans for me include, a timetable for full disclosure, a thorough self evaluation, a marraige contract, and preparing my heart and mind for the possibility that I may be starting over.
Those grief stages come to mind. I missed all the Dr. Phil shows on SA. I went to his website and searched to find them and read some articles on ending a relationship. He says if we still have hurt, anger, etc., we have unfinished business and are not ready to leave the marraige. You are ready to leave when you know you have done everything you can do and feel that in your soul. That doesn’t mean that we won’t have the pain of seperating and all that includes.
I called Heart to heart and had an initial consultation with a counselor who was married to a SA. We went over my state of mind and his behaviors. We talked about what we are doing with counseling and a “recovery” program for him. When I told her that he is not transparent with finances, and has a personal PO Box, a job with flexible hours and is angry when I inquire. She said, “He is lying to you. I know that is not what you want to hear but you called for help and this is what I’m hearing. BELIEVE BEHAVIOR.” She is letting me listen in on a group conference call before I decide whether or not to schedule some individual phone counsel or group time. She was very compassionate and accommodating.
Be patient with yourself NAP, it is a process. We are all in different stages of it here with assorted scenarios. Be kind to yourself and do things to make yourself feel good. Take a break from thinking about it. (Talking to myself here!!) Start taking little steps, like sorting through your pictures and legal paperwork.
My heart goes out to you,
Debora
Wow all, thanks so much for sharing your personal experiences and feelings. I know it really helps me and it is helping others. I know I will be okay, its just very painful to know I did my best and loved my best…I just need to love myself now. Thanks for being my wonderful, beautiful, caring, compassionate, loving, very neat sisters. I love you all and mean that from the bottom of my mending heart……NAP
Hi NAP – I am having some saddness today, as well. My attorney cancelled, again, for the 3rd time- she has been sick. Now the appointment is set for Monday – on my birthday. What a way to spend a birthday!
After the birthday card from Steve, I received one from his sister today. I am tearful and really down in the dumps.
God – Can I ever get this thing on the road?? Then to top it off, our 1st anniversary will be April 10th. I’m going through all the what if’s, and am definitely on the “pitty pot.”
No second thoughts – just sad.Hope you are doing better.
NAP,
I have spent the past week crying like crazy and feeling like my world has ended. I chose the divorce. I actually moved aout 9 months ago, yet this makes it feel so very real. I can’t just hide and hope I can wake up from this nightmare any longer . This means the nightmare is my life. My heart has felt so very broken this week. I never imagined it would hurt this bad to make this decision. I thought I would feel free and happy. Relieved even, but I have in reality been devestated. Sick with hurt.
I have had to resist the urge to hault the divorce. I have gone through minimilizing. Denial. The what “if’s” . What if I had been more supportive of his recovery. Maybe we could have fixed things. what if I didn’t get so rigid with my boundaries. What if we just give it more time. It’s too soon to divorce. We both need more time, Him to recover and me to heal. Blah blah blah. I have been such an emotional wreck . Luckily he is in ass mode and full blown addiction mode because if he came back on his hands and knees as he did last time, I would have taken him back. I was terrified to think about actually going through with it.
My life as I planned it for the better part of my adult life is over. My dream of my happy family and happily ever after is over. It does feel like the end of the world, because it is. The ned of my world as I knew it for the past 13 years.
He came over to drop the boys off and I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t hold back tears. He was confused and it led to some discussion. It started out amicable and I almost would have gone back into the situation and then he wrote ” Lori, I am going to date someone this month. I am going to have sex with someone this month. It can be you or someone else. I am not waiting another 6 months to have sex just because you are so messed up. I am not a monk. If you won’t, someone else gladly will”
Buddy, I am messed up because you screwed 40-50 other women and have two babies out of wedlock. Where is your empathy? Your sorrow over what you have done to make me want to throw up at the thought of ever having sex with you again? That the very thought brings up such graphic images of you with other women that it sickens me.
That statement got my head out of my ass. Wow. How can I be crying and upset I am losing that? I know my feelings were real.very. but I am mourning the loss of a fantasy. A dream and a life I envisioned for myself but I never had those things. Never, and this is my best chance at achieving them.
Hold on NAP. It’s a rough road at first. I am feeling strong tonight, but I bet within the next week I will be boo hooing and sad again. Or red hot angry. Or all of the above all rolled into one. You know in your heart you are doing the right thing. Your world is over, but what kind of world is it? You can now be free to build the one you deserve.
Now, if I can heed my own advise, that’ll be something 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
That was the long answer, the short answer is ….. yes, I think we are normal for feeling this way,
hugs to you,
Lori
Hi Sharron,
It is sad. I go from being excited, almost estatic to really bummed out…and when I see him its like hes there but not able to be with me…kinda like the twilight zone but only twisted with a dash of creep thrown in. Im starting to become slap happy again so please excuse any inappropriate statements. All I know is I want to LIVE again and feel safe in my own home.It must be hard when they start being sentimental and sweet. Really pulls at our heart strings. For me, it would have to take an awful lot to regain my trust and security…and even then, I dont know what that would be. 🙁
Hi Lori,
I just read your post didnt see it until after I posted Sharrons. I feel the same way you do. I would have such hope only to be dashed in some sadistic way. I just cant take anymore. I just dont think we really have to live like this. Its the same dance over and over again. I dont want to dance anymore. It sounds like you dont either Lori. We can have feelings that we dont act on and we can do it. We have to choose us because we know they wont. Theyll choose the Saturday Night Special whatever that is or whoever that is. They just use them like they use us…I dont want to be used anymore. The only man that can use me is George Clooney and he knows it…but where is he? I think hes hiding from me….(sorry). Lori you sound like youre gettin done with this ???????????? husband of yours. You are so smart, young, pretty, and caring…you dont need any of his garbage…Thanks for your comment and support. I wish you all the best and peace…Love, NAPHi great ones,
Last weekend my SA signed the separation agreement. Today I took it to my best friend, who was also my maid of honour, and we signed. Then we held each other and cried.But as I drove home, I felt different. And it was a good feeling. Not a happy feeling, but a sense of closure that I think I wanted to have before I actually signed off. I felt like I really had left something behind, but also that some of what I had left behind was the horrible anger and hurt.
So maybe the way off the crazy emotional rollercoaster isn’t to wait for it to stop on its own. You have to get off while it’s still going. And it feels like that’s dangerous, but it’s not.Did I leave ALL the crazy emotions behind? No, I don’t think so. But I definitely left a good chunk of it.
remind me I wrote that, please.
love to all
D.Hi Lori, This statement he made:
” Lori, I am going to date someone this month. I am going to have sex with someone this month. It can be you or someone else. I am not waiting another 6 months to have sex just because you are so messed up. I am not a monk. If you won’t, someone else gladly will”
Whoa this is heavy and really quite very mean. This is your real true husband coming out, or a husband in an addiction. Either way you do not deserve to be treated this way. You are more than is sex toy play thing. And yes he can not have sex…but you know who says they can’t? A sex addict. Sex is their most important need, never forget that. This statement says so many things…and he is not sugar coating anything in any way shape or form.
I am sorry he is this way, and right now he does not appear to even remotely want to change. You really have done all you can, you really have stuck by his side, he is lucky to have you. But in my opnion no one in the world deserves this kind of abuse, and that is what it is.
You are not messed up. Yet again him blaming you. You are suffering from the ultimate decpetion by a spouse and he has children with other women!!! This is not normal! None of what he does is normal, but he would like to pass it off as such, and call you the messed up one!!! Good Greif.
I think you are making the right choice. And when he comes crawling back to you…keep this statement nearby…because this is what is lurking underneath. You are just another source of sex, his legal one. You deserve more.
Hi Sharron,
Thats fine they can continue to send cards if they like. But its not you its them. Just giving a card means you are in their thoughts, but does not mean anything will change between you and steve. I know you know that. But just a reminder. Sorry you had a tough day. But maybe it is a good birthday present, in that you are finally getting that appt. Diane was posting that she felt releif when it was final. I am hoping for that as well, at that point they are not legally bound to us anymore. This will be the start for you. I hope we feel the same. Take care of yourself, and stay in the reality of what is and not the land of what if. Its hard because its a better life in the land of what if, but its not real. Have a good weekend!Wow. It is so good that we can come here and share all this. Women who have not been through this think we should be glad to be free of these men. It is not that simple. I am a year out from d day, and nine months from the divorce being final. Still I hurt a lot. I am 61 years old, and I don’t want to be alone. I met my ex late in life and like the rest of us, thought I could finally settle in to a warm, sheltering home. I still want that. Perhaps I will meet someone again, but the odds are against it. So now I have to figure out how to live the rest of my life. I am feeling such despair, and it makes me feel guilty because I am blessed in so many ways. I have financial security, wonderful friends, good health. Yet still I ache to be number 1 to someone. I REALLY HATE THIS SEX ADDICTION THING! It destroys so many lives, including that of the addict.
Polly – You are another late-in-life SA survivor. There are quite a few of us here that are older. I’m 54, husband 58. My D-day last July, found out it was a lifelong intermittent pattern. What is it about these older guys??!!!
So how long were you married? How did you find out? Were there red flags before you got married? Were you married before?
Inquiring minds want to know…haha,
Deb
Lori–
Can I say that your soon to be ex is the biggest dumbfuck that ever walked the face of the earth?God bless him that he doesn’t even know how to prevent pregnancy with the women who are stupid enough to fall for his lines and shit—and that he’s undoubtedly rife with disease, cause I don’t care what he said, he did NOT use protection. (one time, maybeeeeeeeeeee yes, but twice??? no effin way!!!!!!!) I pity the innocent lives that he so carelessly brought into this world. Its sad alright, but you are not the one who’s messed up here… So, lets just get that straight. okay??? 🙂 There is no way on earth that anyone with a sane mind would ever have sex with this dude.
He’s a loser of the nth degree.
You’re a really cute sweet young woman. I know that you are devastated about losing your hopes and nightmares, but I can imagine that there are zillions of dashing young dudes, who would line up around the block to have even a chance at a date with you.
Oh, and for mr. spreadhisseedallovertown— dating, doesn’t mean having sex.
I truly hate him.
xo,
L
Hi diane,
I got a glimmer yesterday of what you are talking about. I have a licnese that I recive a copy of after the renewal every year. I had done a hyphenated name with my husbands last name. This year I applied to take it off. It was a happy feeling to see it gone, detached from me. I see now what you mean. When someone just sucks the life out of you sooo much, it is freeing to see it going or gone. I would never have expected this last year.Thanks to everyone for sharing your wisdom, stories and advice. Aspects of my marriage are present in every post. All of you help me to recognize and acknowledge my scattered thoughts and feelings. If only sex addiction was their only problem. It just seems to be the most tangible (concrete proof) at this point in time.
APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.Yeah, I’ve been reading Eliot recently instead of self-help books. I bought a Kindle a few weeks ago and love it.
Love to all.
My SA is giving me huge problems about divorce, mainly because he has always gotten his way in life and can’t even fathom things not working out in his favor. He throws my 2 year old in my face, claiming I’m destroying her life by breaking up her family, when in fact HE broke up our family before she was even conceived. I am afraid to be a single mom, especially with my injuries and illnesses, but I do believe that when the day comes that I can get away from this guy, my life will turn around.
As far as what he said to you? Absolutely insane and disgusting. One day when he’s old and alone and has nothing in life but his limp dick in his hands, he’ll reflect back on that statement and realize what an ass he was…
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