- This topic has 22 replies, 12 voices, and was last updated 12 years ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Don’t we grow up and away from the “I don’t know how the vase broke, mommy” type of argument when we get past the age of nine or so? I just spent the morning hearing that from an almost 34 year old man. And for silly shit! We went to bed and the cat was in the living room. The door to both the bedroom and our master bathroom was closed. I woke up and the door to the bathroom was open, and the cat was in the bedroom. How? He has no idea, but he swears he didn’t get up in the middle of the night! He assumed the usual liar position on the bed while we were arguing about that, sprawled out like a pissy teenager instead of getting up to get dressed for class – which he was again late to. Good God.
He didn’t even try for “oh I went to get a drink of water,” or, “I had to pee and forgot to close the door.” Why the hell be so defensive? Why pretend you have no idea how it happened? WTF? You’re so far lost you can’t even come up with a plausible lie?
I am so done with all of this. I’m waiting it out until my mother moves here, and then will at least go for a separation. I don’t know if that means he’ll be required to keep paying the bills or what, so I’ll have to do some reading. Most likely he won’t be returning, because I want a real life and a chance for a family – and it sure as hell is not going to be with him. He’s made that pretty damn clear.
Sigh.
Avinea,
So sorry for what you are dealing with. It is kind of a blessing when they make it so obvious…
See if you can find an attorney to talk with. You may be able to find one that will give you a deal since he is a student.
Trying to talk to them is worse than knowing about their sexual behaviors IMO.
Take Teri’s advice and see an attorney. At least you will know what you are up against…
It is like dealing with children! And it is exhausting to even try to have mutual understanding on anything. They get such a stupid thrill at having an “ace up their sleeve” or getting one over on us.
At times I think they really do lose what is real and what is lies. The world of porn, unlimited supply of beautiful women begging you to use them in any imaginable way, is the biggest lie ever. When you let yourself believe that perpetually, the capacity to discern has to be eroded.
Yeah, if it were beautiful and eager women he was after at least I’d feel “normal” in that way. His thing is men, fat men, men acting like animals, and I guess male animals. He told me once that his fantasy belief of being anally raped by an animal means he’d get to turn into an animal and run away from the world. I’m seriously trying to figure out why I stayed after learning that. I guess it’s easy to lie to ourselves for a good long while too. And you better believe I hate myself for that – what was I thinking? Why would I want to fight for this “relationship?” I’m more than half convinced that if I hadn’t been so dependent on him financially, I’d have been out years ago. I just feel sick right now.
Well, the world buys the porn dream as normal. I don’t. It’s sick. The animal thing, that’s definitely different, but no worse than my H’s ultimate fantasy, so sick I don’t even want to type it. Suffice to say at least nobody loses body parts in your H’s fantasy. I stayed for two months after I learned that, basically in a complete state of shock, had to be medicated to stop screaming and crying. And I know you don’t WANT to be there. Figuring it all out after the crash takes some time. And the worse the crash, the harder it is to get up and walk away.
Is it possible that instead of actually fighting for your relationship, you’re fighting to feel normal? That the framework of your relationship looks normal, felt normal, and now you just need normal, period. Even at the expense of lying about it to yourself?
Being financially dependent is a bitch. Trying to cut that tie myself.
He’s crazy. They all are but he has upped the crazy ante…
Find an attorney today and make the appointment today.
Okay, Avinea, run don’t walk from this creep.
And take your cat with you. You both don’t need to be involved with this one. And If he comes home with a big male dog….call the cops.
See a lawyer. Just leave leave leave.Avinea,
It’s an endless road as you well know. Don’t travel it anymore and get off at the next exit. This brings animal cruelty to a whole new level. He’s pretty bad off. I’m sorry you’re financially dependent on him but don’t let that stop you from seeing a lawyer and finding out what your rights are. So sorry….
Love, NapxoAvinea,
I can relate to your words here. All your feelings are normal. Please find some strength to move on. The financial piece is a hard one. I wish you all the best in each small step you take.
Love,
DesireeHow on earth does one end up with an animal fetish or losing body parts fetish? Do you think it progresses from watching mainstream porn, to anal, to violent stuff etc etc or is the wiring wrong right from the beginning and they think this up themselves?
Bev you are absolutely correct. There seems to be a whole lot of crazy going on at the moment!
Avinea I’m so sorry you have to share a house let alone a bed with a creep like that. Is he studying Vet Science. Please tell me no.Catherine, I try to know as little as possible about this stuff, but I do remember reading that one’s arousal template develops relatively early in life- I think there was something about trying to change it one of STBX’s workbooks. I think if it were all that easy to change, pedophilia wouldn’t have quite the recidivism rate that is does.
Avinea- well, with most of our SA’s, when we say they “screwed the pooch”, we mean they just got in trouble. With yours…
Honestly, Avinea, this is a good example of the truly crazy stuff you can find yourself tolerating in these relationships. If you are in a place where you are now wondering “What was I thinking?” then you are moving in the right direction. Don’t take it out on yourself, though. Aim that disgust outwards where it belongs.
Teri yes I can see that. My husband’s older woman thing obviously started with his mother and there is lots of psych research documented about mother ‘love’. You can put a lot of it down to sexual confusion, and insufficient attention from mother, mother substituting son due to lack of affection from partner etc etc. But animals? Really violent sex acts?? How does a young man or woman get exposed to that. It is sick but intriguing.
My SA have been “addicted” for 40 years. The books say that as time progresses you need more and different things to get aroused. My SA says he is absolutely horrified at what he has used to masturbate to, and the things he has done real time with real women. He says it disgusts him, but nothing else “worked”. That is scary as hell to me.
And in a way, I don’t buy it. We didn’t do those weird things. It “worked” with us. Every day. So that “didn’t work” just makes me think he was just looking for more and more for kicks and highs, etc. It works fine.
It’s why I’m gone, and not letting him stay around my children. Or me.
Don’t waste your energy beating yourself for why you are still there. Put ALL that energy into getting out of that situation. I don’t think he can ever give you what you need. And who knows what half these guys fantasize about…. 🙁
Lynn, mine got into darker and darker porn as well. S&M stuff, to put it mildly. And he said it got to the point where he was just flipping buttons on the computer, trying to find something ‘that worked.’ This is the one part of this whole mess that I can actually buy into being an addiction. But it seems like becoming addicted to having darker and darker shit seep into your soul. Still can’t wrap my head around this guy who was funny and likeable and insecure about sex belonging to these dark porn sites. One fleeting glance at them and I thought I was going to vomit up everything I ever ate.
Thanks for all your words. I feel so overwhelmed and shut down right now that I lose the momentum to respond or care, but I appreciate the time all of you take in this.
Lynn, I think what you said about fighting to feel normal makes a lot of sense. I also think that’s why it’s so easy to get “sucked back in.” The moment things seem to smooth over or calm down, it’s easy to tell ourselves things are all right and fine, even though they really, really are not. The problem for me there is keeping the “fuck that” feeling to finally get moving. I just want peace. When it seems there is peace, I stop struggling and just want to catch my breath. But it’s not really peace and I’ll just struggle more for it.
Allcat, the animal thing is probably different for all of the fucking creeps, but at least in my husband’s case he told me he used to have a stuffed dog that he would hold on to for comfort when things were bad growing up. I guess it translated from there. The fact he ended up friends with people in the “furry community” didn’t help. Here was validation! Friendship! Freedom from being yourself! Just pretend you’re some doggie boy and your life will be fine! All the weird gay sex you could ask for! Basically a group of broken and damaged men with mommy issues that put on animal suits and screw each other. Because that’s really going to make your past better and your future bright. Whatever. 34 fucking years old and prancing around like a six year old playing pretend. It just boggles the mind.
The fat thing wasn’t much different I guess. Some creep predator started talking to him on the computer when he was 15 and sent him gay porno stories and encouraged his weight gain – which he was already desperately doing to get his mother to stop fondling his nuts. She loathes being fat, so he thought if he was fat she’d leave him alone. Then his father came out as gay and left, so…
I can completely follow where all this started from and how it progressed. I just can’t understand why anyone who KNOWS why and UNDERSTANDS where it comes from will sit there and say, “Yeah, but, I’m gonna do it ANYWAY!”
Husband had a dream about his mother the other night. He wet the bed as a result. I just don’t know anymore.
Avinea that is horrible. It is so easy to connect the dots when you hear stories of their past. Traumatic childhood with comfort found in stuffed toy dog and bingo the wiring goes wrong. You are correct about understanding the point of origin but not being able to accept the behaviour. Can an adult inside them not shake them into normality?
His mother was even more nuts than my MIL. And then you have the computer and porn to contend with. My husband is 34 so the only thing he had access to was a couple of girly magazines and Woman’s Day bra ads. I’m sure that computer porn and social networking made things so much worse for your husband. Anything they wanted even at 15 was a mouse click away.
I hope I have been a good mother and my son doesn’t have mummy issues. It really scares me. I don’t want my son damaged. My MIL has no idea what her behaviour has done to my husband. I wonder if his other brothers (there are 5 sons) have ‘issues’. I know that 4 of the 5 have cheated on their wives. Enough said.
Avinea I so understand your struggle. I know that you want peace but with that we constantly have to shift the goal posts (or accept a new ‘normal’) and that isn’t right.
- The forum ‘Relationships’ is closed to new topics and replies.