Its Over

Hi NAP,
I am the one who filed for divorce. I had him served last week. Funny thing is he never even said a word to me. He picked up and dropped off our daughter just like usual. Never tried to defend himself nothing, no email, no phone call, no card, no letter; nothing. So much so that i started to wonder if he had even got served last week?? But the attorney called monday morning to see how I was doing, and def. confirmed he was served. The most odd thing is no matter how much the SA had protested divorce and professed his love; when it really came down to it…he was not there. In the past he has repeadetdly said he loves me, has cried in the past about it, saying he does not want a divorce; but nothing he has done (being actions) says that he does not want a divorce. He has happily moved into his parents house, where they coddle him and pay for him; and he has left real life with responsibilities that quite frankly i don;t think he wants. So in the end, now, i don;t think he really wants to be married. And he is very passive aggressive in this in that he will not tell me, but is making me be the one to do it. and to boot over a year and 3 months later, he has never indicated any of the 12 steps being completed, and he has never made amends to me.

Anywho. That is just fine with me. I am very very happy with my decision; and know it is the right one. I gave him more than enough time, to see any results that I felt were indicator that there is hope and that i should stay and give more time. All I saw were indicators that I am wasting my life and my time; and i deserve to be happy and have a life too. And his reaction to being served further proves that I made the right choice. So I am now a year and 3 months past d-day and divorce is where my path has taken me.

The reasons why is: the lying, the deceipt, the lack of transparancy; the lack of giving to try to help me to regain trust; requests of mine are not important he only adhered to demands or boundaries; his lack of contribution to the marriage, household, communication, finances; the lack of intimacy and the fact that I want more out of life and a marriage. Being in a relationship with someone who lied, and has done unforgivable things; i have decided I just can;t do. And with his lack of effort this will never happen.

I have decided to divorce to end this trauma and frustration. I can do no more; all i can do is remove myself. I realize this now. Some people, parents, family will be forever the way they are; there is nothing we can do about it; but remove ourself. And I was very happy when i filed last week. I am really happy to have made a decision. And staying with him is not a decision I could live with or ever felt right. Its time for me to get out and move on.

It’s kind of different for me because in the end he left me, though he doesn’t want a divorce. My own reasons why the marriage needed to end were firstly the lies. That was the hardest part for me. I felt like I almost could have dealt with anything if I’d had honesty. Anger – which was affecting the children as well as myself. I realise he didn’t love me and probably never has. Finally, whenever I used to think about the kids being grown up and us being on our own, retired, I almost started having a panic attack as I knew I would still be dealing with the same problems and lack of trust even then. Diane, I found your comment about exaggeration interesting. Is that a common SA trait because mine was terrible for it? He’d tell a story and completely exaggerate the details so much. Like yours, mine loved being the centre of attention – so much so, that during his wedding speech he didn’t mention me!!! And when you said about only one person taking and keeping the vows – the priest who married us compared marriage to two people in a boat. If only one person is rowing, you just go round in circles!!! Sounds familiar!

Interesting question!
I have been wondering about this, myself. I’m actually curious to see if by removing myself from the institution that framed his SA life con, it might be possible for us to have a real relationship of some kind. I mean, if I’m not just useful anymore, does something else become possible? I don’t know. I still don’t know if I want him in my life that way, but I’m willing to see if divorcing him actually frees us both!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
🙂
I’d never be able to trust him or love him again after everything he put me and the kids through. Suppose it might be different for some of you whose partners have admitted their problem and actually tried to recover, but no matter how much he was hurting us, his pride was more important than admitting the truth. I know I’ll be a better person if I can get rid of the resentment and forgive him but at the moment that seems a long way off and even if I can I would never want to be with him again.

Hypthetically, I could think about going back to Steve if he recovered, but realistically it isn’t going to happen. I think if we hold onto the idea of the SA changing, then we are not able to move on with our own lives. Once we have made our decision, I think we need to put them “out of sight-out of mind.” I know it is easier said than done, and it will certainly take us all a while to get there.
I will probably always love him, but as the others have said I would always be afraid of falling back into the same old patterns, and I don’t think I could ever trust he would be always telling me the truth. The lieing is as difficult to get over as the addiction. Secondly, with the underlying personality disorder of “Schizoid,” the prognosis is too poor to even think about it.
We all need to move on. We can never be assured of what life has in store for us in the future, but focusing on a possible recovery of our SA in the future is not only unhealthy, but unrealistic.
Just my opinion.

Hi NAP -Schizoid Personality is not a good one to have.
1. Lack of interest in personal relationships
2. Tend toward living a solitary life-style
3. Secretiveness and emotional detachment.
3. Tend to have a strong fantasy network. (Isn’t that great to have in conjunction with a sexual addiction.!)
4. Cannot feel or give intimacy. If their personal space is violated, they feel the need to free themselves and be independent.
5. Need a partner who places few emotional or intimate demands on them.
6. Tends to have addictions to allow distancing from personal relationships.
Prognosis is poor, because the Schizoid rarely seeks therapy on they’re own unless happens to go to therapy for another problem. ( ie:Sexual addiction)
Hope that helps explain what my life would be like. Ya!

Ya, Flora – I think most of them do have personality disorders and so many of them overlap. My SA has traits of BPD, NPD, Avoidant and dependent PD’s. I thought his primary diagnosis was BPD, but his therapist put Schizoid on him. It doesn’t really matter – they are sick anyway you look at it.