I’ve missed this place…

First, I want to express my sincere appreciation for each and every comment Sisters have left to “My Story.” I have been off this site for several months now, I’m not sure why, honestly, as I received such an outpouring of support and kindness here. Unfortunately my story hasn’t changed much except that over the past six months (my children and I are still living in another state), we have continued to go to counseling weekly. The vast majority of our communication, in my mind, is all about his suffering and how horrible this experience has been for him. He cannot go more than a week or so without focusing the spotlight on his distress and often seeming to guilt me into returning to our home. Very recently, he has been doubling down on being nice to me, helping more w the kids, asking me how I’m doing. He also now fully denies that he had any sort of addiction and asserts that he stopped cold turkey on the day I found out. No more porn, no more prostitutes. I have not found any evidence to the contrary. He says he accepts responsibility for the choices he made but that our “dynamic” is what led him down this road and that I have to take responsibility for my part. I get that on some level, but also feel somehow blamed. My therapist, who I trust implicitly, met my husband and does not believe he is a sociopath, but does not rule out that he is a narcissistic, selfish prick. I’m so frustrated that I’m not further along in my thought process about this. I fear my few close friends in whom I’ve confided, who have been wonderful, are getting frustrated w me. The facts on the ground – his behavior over the past several months in terms of not acting like someone who really understands the pain he has caused – suggest that this person is not going to change. Bt anytime he does one nice thing for me, I am flooded with hope because I desperately do not want to lose my family or at least the idea of a family. And who is to say that I will be happier without him. Maybe I will be miserable alone, a single parent to two lovely and sweet yet very spirited children under the age of four. I will have to find somewhere to live, a job, put the kids in daycare, etc. things that seem so overwhelms to me, even now, after so much time. I’m also still so angry and disgusted. I try to spend time with him but it literally turns my stomach. I can’t imagine kissing him let alone having sex with him again. But what do you sacrifice to give your kids that intact family? Anyway, I know this has been really rambling, but any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Hugs, Anne