JoAnn’s Life Update and Thoughts On Distancing

Well dear Sisters, I think it’s time I gave everyone an update on how things are going in my life.

As a summary for all of the newbies, I have been married to Larry the Sex Adict for over seven years. 3 1/2 months after we were married I discovered his Sex Addiction. His vice of choice was prostitutes–100’s of them.

We were separated for 3 1/2 years while I moved across the country to Seattle and he stayed in our newly built condo in Milwaukee to work on his recovry.

In June of 2009, after I had been retired for two years and had purchased a very nice house in Wildwood, MO, Larry moved back in with me. He had years of 12 steps and counseling under his belt along with 2 full years of complete sobriety. He had been completely transparent, had given me monthly receipts for every single penny spent, had allowed me access to full monitoring of his computer and wanted us to be together forever.

Things seemed to be going very well as we do get along extremely well. We are both retired, have adequate incomes and enjoy doing a lot of things together, have many common interests and love traveling all over the world.

Since he moved in he has had two incidents of seeking and viewing sexually inappropriate movies and videos, which, as I have seen from his past behaviors, can lead to acting out with hookers. The behaviors have been quite mild, but his deception and lying about it is the killer.

The most recent incident occured this last August while I was on vacation with my two adult children in Europe. The discussions that followed led to more disclosures about his past behaviors while we were dating and first married.

Just imagine, after seven YEARS I’m still getting bits and pieces of disclosures; and each time he swears there is nothing else. It’s like having your skin ripped off in tiny strips and the wounds sprinkled with salt. He just can’t seem to let go of his secrets. He cannot trust me enough to let me know who he really is.

Well that was just the limit. I had just had it. Some of these new disclosures were just too much. Everyone has that ‘deal breaker’. That one thing that changes everything. And I hit mine.

His disclosure of having four ‘favorite’ hookers (while having literally hundreds of encounters with other hookers during that same period of time) just put me over the top. To add even more trauma to my pain, he also admitted that he didn’t use condoms with these four ‘favorites’ because they told him they were clean. (He gave me HPV as a result). He also performed oral sex on them amd he admitted that he had been ‘in love’ with one of them.

This was while we were engaged, while he was begging me to marry him (I really had no desire to get married) and was living in my apartment with all of my nice furniture and things and sending most of his money to his ex wife and paying for very expensive, private colleges for his daughters.

Talk about feeling used and abused! For me that was it. All feelings of love or attachment for this manipulative man just disappeared.

Over the years I had asked him repeatedly, both verbally and in writing, about the one ‘favorite’ hooker that I knew about. He consistently denied having any emotional attachment to her and consistantly denied ever having unprotected sex or performing oral sex on anyone. Hell, he even denied ever even kissing them.

Emotional attachment to someone else while claiming to love me was my ‘deal breaker’.

In addition I realized, from reading his written disclosure, which he had refused to give me for over a year, was which traits he found desireable in a woman. Things that I could never be. Here’s what Larry’s ideal woman looks like.

Tall (ha! I am 5’2″), leggy (okay, I do have great legs), young (well, not anymore), thin (okay, pretty close) hot (some think I am) and black (well that will never happen). If this is his ideal then I can never meet these standards.

So, contrary to his belief that I have stopped loving him over his minor slip last August of watching a few racy movies, I have completely detached myself from him because of all of the lies and deceit about my very important questions, as well as his total disrespect and lack of empathy for me both previously and presently.

So, I told Larry that he had to move downstairs (a very cushy place to say the least) and I would decide what I wanted to do. I removed the monitoring software from his computer (which he had asked me to put on the year before to help him control his internet surfing) and told him he could do as he pleased.

Well, for six weeks straight he spent almost all of his waking hours doing nothing except watching porn. I only know this because twice when I went downstairs to ask him something and knocked on his office door. He did not even bother to hide what he was watching.

I asked if he was watching porn and he said, ‘Yes.’

Enough said.

I really didn’t care. He could go straight to hell as far as I was concerned. It just didn’t matter anymore.

About two weeks ago he told me that he felt that watching all that porn was not good for him and he said he just wondered ‘what the hell am I doing’? So he stopped.

Okay. So what?

I needed time to think about what I wanted to do. I am in a different place than most of you on this site. I am 67 years old, I am very comfortable and financially secure and I can manage quite nicely without Larry’s income. I own my own home and tend to be quite independent. I have had two previous long term marriages and have been divorced twice. I have been well loved, have absolutely wonderful adult children and grandchildren and recognize the disruptive forces that divorce can wreak on your life. I just do not choose to do that at this point in my life.

Also, because Larry is retired military, when he turns 65 next year I will go on his TriCare for life, which is a health insurance that will cover me anywhere in the world (think about all that traveling I do with 3 children living in 3 different countries). This is quite valuable as Medicare and our Federal BCBS does not cover us/me in other countries.

And, to be totaly analytical, left brained and materialistic, his income makes us extremely comfortable and I am the beneficiary of his life insurance, government pension and retirement annuity. Because I plan to live until I’m at least 103, that also means a lot.

Even though we are married, I fiercely value my independence and alone time. I spend a lot of my days by myself; writing, painting or reading. The rest of the time is spent with household chores, cooking, working outside or spending time doing things with Larry. We enjoy traveling, the symphony, live plays, nice dinners, road trips or just watching a movie in the theater room downstairs.

It’s a good life.

And, it hasn’t changed much with Larry living downstairs. I wouldn’t be doing anything much differently if he were living upstairs with me, or even somewhere else.

As for Larry, if you take out the SA part, he is quiet, easy going, has no temper and we really have a lot in common and we both love to travel and do things together.

So, I decided that us living together, but ‘apart’, and keeping the good parts of our lives intact was a wise decision. But, in order to protect myself from any further trauma I also decided that I must stay emotionally detached from Larry. I can enjoy his company, have fun with him, but I cannot ever again be emotionally involved with him.

It’s a fine line. And my thoughts on it change almost daily. I have to remind myself of all of the things he DOES NOT give me instead of getting all mellow and secure in all the things he DOES give me.

So, what is the down side to all of this?

Well, first, and quite importantly, he definitely does want to work things out. (Okay, I know that doesn’t sound like a down side, but it is for me). As all of you can probably empathise with, it’s hard to resist someone you have loved so much when they are being so fuckin’ nice to you.

So, I have to constantly be on the alert to prevent myself from getting sucked in again.

I just keep reminding myself of how gut wrenching it is when he lies to me. I remember the betrayals that have only recently come out–albiet from the past, and how much they hurt.

I remember how hard the fall is when you least expect it and you have not braced yourself.

There is also a new issue. He has just been diagnosed with moderate to severe Attention Deficit Disorder. Finally, some of the goofy or immature things he does, or has done, now make sense. But, that means that now there is ANOTHER new thing that I have to learn to deal with and absorb into my life.

As I have said before, it doesn’t matter what they call it, what matters is how it impacts us.

Another down side is that I truly miss having a mature adult companion and mate. Larry has also been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder and Depression. He takes medication for the depresson, but he avoids any and all conversations that make him uncomfortable.

I miss real, genuine intelligent conversations, which Larry is just not capable of. I miss intimacy–a lot! I miss someone caring about and asking me how I am doing and how I feel. I miss flirting with the man I love. I miss the playfulness. I miss that warm and fuzzy feeling of loving someone and being loved.

Sure, I could find a lover. I have had a few very serious offers from very nice, gorgeous and obscenely young men (Yeah, that does make me feel good!), but I just don’t want the hassles and worries that that would bring. And, even the thought of a new relationship just makes me claustrophobic!

So, for now it just is what it is. I am quite okay with not knowing what tomorrow will bring. Larry sleeps downstairs. We have a pretty ordinary life. Larry is busy planning next year’s vacations. The new year starts with our month on St. George Island in Florida (it was supposed to be two months but the beach house we had rented for February has been sold).

We are also looking at a two week trip down the Amazon River, maybe an Alaskan cruise, a river cruise through the land of the Russian Czars, a cruise to Antarctica (WTF? This must be a guy thing. My daugher’s fiancee wants to do the same thing. I told her that we should send both of these guys to Antarctica together and HER AND I would lounge on the French Riveria with our cute little bare breasts exposed to the WARM sunlight and gorgeous, young pool boys for scenery.)

Now, lest any of you think that I am some spoiled debutante from the fancy east side of what used to be one of the most exclusive suburbs in the country, think again. I grew up in that scene, but was the product of a middle class, hardworking father and a stay at home mom in the 50’s.

During my married lives I have enjoyed good times and bad. I remember having to hold a garage sale to get enough money to buy food for my children. I did not get my nursing degree until I was 40 and I often worked back to back double shifts for weeks straight just to make ends meet. I worked more than full time and went to school at the same time to get my Bachelors and Masters degrees.

Things were not always as calm and pleasant as they are for me now. And I am not ready to rock this boat any time soon. I am relatively happy where I am now, but I know I have to maintain the distance that I now have between myself and Larry.

How do I do that? Well, you can’t just DO it. It is something deep within you that has to happen. I don’t think I could force it if I tried–in fact, I know I couldn’t. I don’t see how that could ever work. I think you have to genuinely ‘arrive’ at it. And, even when you have reached that point, you really have to work hard to maintain it.

And that’s just what I am doing.

So my dear Sisters, I am still keeping my options open. I still have conflicts, I still don’t know what will happen next, BUT…I do know that whatever happens it will be MY choice and MY choice only. I will not be sucked under by the rip tide of Larry’s or anyone elses desires or needs. I intend to stay in safe waters and try to enjoy life as fully as I can.

Much love ~ JoAnn