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I know we are all in different places in our journey, and I only have the most respect for everyone. There is no right or wrong, good or bad, smart or stupid…sure we share our opinions and maybe add a little jazz to it sometimes.
I just wanted to share the thought of “divorce” is something I barely could even comprehend. I just thought I would never do that because it’s not my nature to “give up”, I was raised to believe “if there is a will there’s a way”. Also, I loved my husband with my heart and soul, I want to help him and support him. I enjoyed my lifestyle, my home, my family, my pets. As time passed from D day (6 mo ago) it became clearer and clearer the extent of my H addiction. I realized all the defenses he had in place, and they were many. He became increasingly rageful, erratic, and unpredictable, even scary…all the while he was acting out in full force and lying constantly. As I asked for transparency, he appeared supportive and agreeable, 3 weeks later he made me homeless. The reality is his addiction is more important than me. Hes not well, his thinking is addict thinking and I know I’m better off (much!).
Mainly what I wanted to share is that the divorce process is nothing like I imagined. It’s a process like everything else and everything I feared about it in reality wasn’t true. I think it is important to find a good lawyer and I did. Not only is she a great lawyer, she is a great person too. My lifestyle will change of course, however, after the fire I learned 80% of life is just “stuff”, “stuff” I don’t even think about or miss.
I just wanted to share some thoughts about my journey….my life isn’t ending with divorce, its beginning again and I already feel so much better.
love, nap
NAP
So proud of you!! I am really happy that you entering into a better a place. I am sure it has its moments– and you are so right, outside of our hearts and children—it is all just stuff, isn’t it? It is easy to lose sight of sometimes. I am glad your journey is beginning for you.
Can you share some of your fears you had about divorce that did not turn out to be true? Would love to hear them.
congrats NAP. Even a year from now, you will be different creature all together. how exciting.Hi Pam-C,
Thank you for your sweet comments. You ask a great question and I will share what I feared most.1. money-how was I going to live. At the temporary hearing which occurs about 4-5 weeks after papers are served, money is addressed. My H was ordered to pay x amt of dollars each month. This amount determined is based on my need and his ability to pay (income). Since I was not working, he is having to support all my basic expenses so I am able to live. Therefore money is okay. The court does all it can to protect assets so they are not used for living expenses.
2.Where I was going to live? Of course, i went to a hotel because i have no job, furniture and I negotiated a great nightly rate which includes breakfast. I didn’t want to live in temporary housing, so my lawyer asked the judge at our temporary hearing if money could be released for me to buy a house (We had the fire insurance money). The judge agreed and ordered X number of dollars for me to buy a house which I did and I love it. I have PTSD and moving a lot triggers my anxiety.
3. I thought I’d be really sad, heartbroken, lonely and I’m not. If fact, I feel more alive than I have in years. I feel so much lighter inside because I’m not around the madness anymore. Occassionally, he has tried to bully me but I just call my Lawyer and she handles it. Im free to do what I want and go where I want and I dont have to mess with all his fallout from his addiction anymore. It’s more liberating than I could have ever imagined.
4. I had heard that divorce is very stressful and emotional and it was at first but after the hearing its been fine. I just do what I can when I can do it. I do meet friends for dinner sometimes, visit with the staff at the hotel, spend time with my daughter, talk on the phone with good friends, do some writing when it strikes, and now will be taking time to get the house together. I closed yesterday, took today off, and plan to do some things tomorrow.
5. I also feared that I’d just fall apart, however the opposite is true. I feel like I’ve come together more, back to my true self, the person I was before the madness.
if I think of any others I will add them. Great question Pam!
love, nap
Nap,
You truly are my hero and I admire you so much!!! I think you said this after you read my “story”, but I, too, see alot of similarities in our marriages. I also hear the twilight zone music when you share certain things because they sound so familiar! Is your full story posted here or on the other site? I don’t recall reading it if it is?!! I’m not sure if you ever posted this, but I keep wondering how your soon to be XSAH got away with making you homeless? Can they do that? One time years ago my SA (before my D day of course,) (just thought he was an asshole) locked me out of the house. I came home at night and couldn’t get in. He taped an envelope to the garage door that had a letter that said he needed me to stay away for awhile. I WONDER WHY????? Now I know of course! Ugh! Anyway, I went to a friends for a couple days but I found out later that he couldn’t legally DO that and I could have called the cops! So, I was just curious!
I am so excited for you and all the cool things you have to look forward to! You sound really happy too! I liked everything you posted about fears that didn’t happen. It makes me feel better!
I know it was horrible how he agreed to certain things, then 3 weeks later you were OUT. Ouch! I wonder tho, if it might make it a LITTLE easier that way, rather than what I am going to have to deal with- which is denial on his part and all of a sudden trying to turn into the husband he never was and flip flopping from Greatest Husband Ever to Mr Pitiful and back again! He is going to drive me insane and the preliminary isn’t even until July 29th!!!! Sigh…..
I am thinking happy thoughts for you and with you!!!!
Love, your sister, SL…Hi SL,
You’re like a breathe of fresh air and so smart too! I have never posted my story. I would like to someday, but I have PTSD, and I know writing about it would trigger it. I’m hoping as time passes I will be able to. I think I’ve given bits and pieces here and there. It will be forthcoming in the future hopefully.Yes, my husband, is not only a SA but also has a mental illness. He took himself off all his medication 3 months prior to making me homeless. I watched, in sadness, the slow deterioration of his mental status and knew eventually his focus would end up on me. Long story short, he has loaded guns, was mentally unstable, erratic, irrational, and so I thought it was in my best interest to stay out. I did have a legal right to be there, however, because of his mental state felt too unsafe. It was too stressful for him to have me live there because I threatend his addiction so much to him it trigger all his other mental issues. He’s a very, very addicted, and not a well man, obviously.
Please don’t be fooled by “the crumbs” they will throw up to keep us around. Unless they are really sober and well into recovery, the story will always be the same. Its the hard truth we must accept and not deny. We must never deny what we know to be true.
Love ya, nap
Hi Nap,
Still catching up. I love your post. I too was the same. So worried aobut what would happen in the divorce. The reality is, it was not near as bad as i would have expected. I am not done yet, but so far have been quitclaimed the house i was worried i would lose. I was worried about the custody situation, but he has not pushed it and we have stayed with the same schedule and no overnights. I was worried I would not have enough time and be able to take care of this household myself, and so far I am doing okay.What i enjoy most is not haveing stress and anxiety as part of my daily life. that is priceless.
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