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I am stunned and I shouldn’t be. I was at Target tonight and I ran into my SAH (He is a Dr) nurse who worked with him for 20 years. She doesnt work there anymore due to health problems. I don’t know why this upset me, but she told me that SAH has been acting out at work for all of the 20 years she worked with him. She said the entire office, which includes 5 physicians, have known he is a skank for 20 years. I wish somebody clued me in a long time ago. I guess they were all afraid they would lose their jobs. I am now realizing I fell for so much more of his manipulation than I thought. He had an affair I caught him in 18 years ago. I was under the impression that he understood the damage he did to our family and he would never do it again. I am now aware he did it through the entire 27 years of our marriage. OMG how could somebody do this to innocent human beings? He was so good at manipulation. Telling me how lucky we were to love each other like we did because he saw firsthand what divorce did to people through his patients. He said he felt blessed it wouldn’t happen to us. Meanwhile, he was being the biggest horndog ever at work. I thought bad behavior was limited to nursing homes. I guess not. Yuck, yuck . And I was “making love” with him the whole time. Unfriggenbelievable. I feel happy to know that I was not crazy all those years in thinking something was wrong. But I feel incredible sadness for my family and myself. And I can’t even tell adult children how long this has been going on. That is part of what we shouldn’t do, right? I feel like I should get something more from this divorce. Just the fact that bullshit behavior was going on all 27 years we were married. I was lied to by a man who should win an academy award for the double life he was able to pull off.
Every time I learn something new, I have to go back and re-process. What was I doing at the time? What did I miss? It’s like a little mini-discovery. So of course it bothers you, tmp. And how sad that so many people knew and you were clueless. I’ve learned a lot about stuff that went on when doc e was at work, and I know now that he worked very hard to keep me out of that world so I would never find out. Not that anyone would probably tell me anyway. No one ever tells the wife. I think they assume she must know- how could she not? Except they never act that way in front of us.
I think I would be tempted to tell one of your kids if he/she is sympathetic. It’s likely to get back to the others that way.
The nurse said exactly the same thing Teri. She said he was full of bad behavior, but then I would show up at the office with the kids like nothing was wrong. The people in the office assumed I knew what he was doing and that I chose to turn the other cheek. I told her no way! I really believed nothing was going on. she wishes she told me sooner. I guess everyone is comfortable telling me stuff now because they know I know. She said the people in the office are disgusted by him and that he is losing tons of patients over this.
Well, at least you have that validation now. Just sad that you spent so many years on a relationship with someone who disrespected you so. It’s hard to believe we spend so much of our lives wasted on them.
Thanks Bev and Teri. I will find a way to tell adult kids. I just have to be careful and do it at the right time. I will not carry his pain and cosequences.
Hearing you loud and clear tmp271. Yes, you should get more from the divorce because of the depth and longevity of the betrayal. I wanted that so bad. I tried discuss it with my lawyer. Got nowhere. Maybe you will have better success.
I told 2 out of 3 adult kids. The worst but needed. In part, I did it so they would adequately protect their partners (cute young things) from SA RATs behavior and deceit.
I have felt a huge burden since then. It has been one year.
I would absolutely tell my children but I would ask that lady to back me up because he will certainly try to con them…. I would also be relieved that everyone knew….it means that no matter what bullshit story he feeds them, everyone actually KNOWS why his marriage broke down. People don’t like serial cheaters because they recognise that sort of behaviour is a character flaw and NOTHING to do with the person’s marriage.
Apparently Pennsylvania is a no fault state so extramarital affairs mean nothing. I just feel that I deserve more because of how long this has been going on. I doubt I will get anywhere with it, though. Kmf, you are right. The whole office knows what a skank he is. They also know he had a wonderful family. He hid behind us for so long. It was confusing to people. Now they know.
I’m so sorry, tmp. And I echo what Teri said about needing to process each new bombshell. It really is like slow torture. Thinking of you and sending you big hugs. xoxo
Tmp – mine hid behind me too, and evidently resented doing it. One of my own (male) coworkers told him once “you must have some hidden talents because she likes you.” Ppl would say “that’s your wife? She looks more like your daughter” and one guy at work even asked him if I was his daughter in law (he looks very middle eastern and of course I do not). Eventually he started pre-empting it all by introducing me to ppl as “this lady has put up with me for 25 years, since I was 25 and she was 20, I’ve gotten older but she hasn’t aged a day, ppl think she’s my second wife but she’s my first and only wife, and she was never one of my students.” Really. He’d say all that in one breath before I could even say my name. Now he can’t hide behind me anymore but he can sure play the victim.
I just wish this was all exposed and brought to light. I would rejoice if he was arrested for solicitation and it was featured in the local paper. (It would be nationwide news if he hired a hooker into his office…) I have a stable job that pays well and I don’t have any kids to battle him over…so I don’t care if he loses his job. he hit me over the head repeatedly with the plan b but now I realize how much worse it would be if I had had a child with him. Sad though because I missed out on having a normal life and a child with a solid man.
These men rob us of any possibility of a normal life. And they don’t care at all!! They are users that hide behind they “good boy” image. The sell that image to us too. It can take years to figure them out. I wish I was not so sheltered and that I knew this type of man existed when I was in my 20’s. I think we all would rejoice if our guys were publicly exposed. The whole thing is just so disgusting.
It’s hard to look back at my 23 years of marriage now and realize it was doomed before it began (dr e was already in to 3-somes and porn although I didn’t realize it). I told him about my dad’s porn/sex problems and that I had some very clear rules about what I would tolerate. And he married me anyway. I caught him looking at porn about 6 months into the marriage. Wish I would have left then.
What an awful thing to hear from that nurse in a public place. At least now people don’t think you knew and were turning the other cheek. It really does make me wish people were more honest when they know stuff, though. So many lives could be different if they did. That’s how they operate, the worst of the worst, they count on everyone ELSE observing proper behavior so their sickness becomes everyone’s burden except theirs. That burns me up, them relying on wives to carry the burden of families, co-workers hiding the burden of their immoral hurtful secrets, and then they rely on the legal system to protect their ‘rights’ with children and finances when the other two finally break under the weight of their filthy lies.
Ugh
I am so sorry you had this happen. I am sure it set you back.
I have adult kids….and I WOULD NEVER TELL THEM that their dad fucked whores. They are aware that he has a problem with porn….and having an almost 21 year old son….I think that is important…..this generation is going to face the biggest onslaught of this addictions due to growing up with the net and early exposure to porn.
I just don’t think it helps them in any way shape of form to know their fathers (who are half of them) were fucking whores or whatever for years. How does that help them? it will fuck them up. I think you can explain a problem with sex addiction, and pornography…..but I certainly do not believe they need to know.
It is a personal matter…..but I would die for my kids….and I would never tell them. Ever.I don’t think kids need details, especially if they are on their own and not in the middle of it.
My adult daughter was in college when dday hit, so she came home during holidays. She was home for Xmas when dad was threatening to kidnap her brother so he could not even go to the mailbox on his own, I was down to 97 lbs and couldn’t cook, watch a TV show, or go out in public bc my PTSD was so bad, doc e was offering no support for her financially, Bat was having 3 hour meltdowns hitting himself, and doc e was acting like nothing was wrong- although he did tell her that he wanted to get together with his parents and her and Bat at a local restaurant. All she knew at that point was that dad was not in recovery (she has known about his sex addiction since 2005). She said she wanted me to be at the restaurant (her grandparents have verbally attacked her in the past so she is not comfortable with them). He said that it would not be appropriate for me to be there.
She did not have a clue what was going on. She was scared and freaking out. She needed to know if she would have financial support. I didn’t feel like I had much a choice but to give her an explanation that would help her understand why her whole world was suddenly turned completely upside down and the only person who seemed unscathed was doc e.
So I think sometimes circumstances come into play as to what we tell them. I know she was far more upset when she didn’t know what was going on than when I told her and she could make some sense of things.
And I think there are ways of wording things. You don’t have to say “Dad fucked whores for the last 20 years.” You can say that dad’s sexual addiction was a lot worse and went on for a lot longer than you realized. Tell them that you will be honest with them if there’s anything they want to know. And that it’s important for the whole family to be aware any time that there is an addiction in a family member because addiction thrives on secrecy and it affects everyone in the family- in ways that they may not even be aware of yet. And then see how they respond. You can tell them there were other people involved without giving details.
All they need to do is google sex addiction. They can work out the rest. Sex addicts are perverts. They do strange things outside the normal boundaries. Wouldn’t take very long for grown kids to work it out. Just the same, if you think fucking whores is too strong then fucking other people the entire marriage and before ,pretty much sums up who has the issue. I am also of the mind set that kids pick up on the fact that something is very, very wrong. When they know the truth, the know they had nothing to do with the problem and they were not crazy either. They have the same lightbulb moment as we do when we finally find out the truth. No more second guessing, no more self doubt, no more wondering what we might be doing to cause the problems. Ongoing secrets keep entire family systems sick.
I am so sorry. Reading your post I see that your ex was also a good “manipulator” and liar.
I think this is the problem with most of them.
It’s crazy that people can lead such a double life? Scary.I would tell your children if they are old enough- I’m a believer in getting the truth out.
Hang in there- so very sorry for your pain.
<3
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