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I actually meant the thousands including transportation, lodging, food, etc. in addition to the ISH costs. Sorry, I thought you left him immediately after DDay which you said was coming up for the three year anniversary soon or maybe just past? How nice for you that he is willing to go along with your need for disclosure particularly since you are not together. I don’t think your story is all that complicated but that’s just my opinion. You have no children and no financial ties. The pain you suffered is the same as all the rest of us but you have the ability to cut off ties with him far easier than those of us who are married and have children and financial ties to our SAs.
You will know if it was just porn ONLY when he passes a polygraph. He will lie straight to your face, with his hand on a bible, held by his dear sweet grandmother, while holding your child’s hand. He will only admit to what you have found, until he agrees to a proper disclosure and a polygraph. If he passes – yay, great, it was “just” porn. Then what?
Right now I feel like I need to know EVERYTHING in order to stay strong and get out of this relationship. I keep going back in my mind to what I imagined our relationship to be before d/day on 9/1. Ignorance was bliss.. I was very happy with him… I felt loved. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and so.. contemplating leaving feels like cutting off my arm.. It’s so easy for me to minimize, to tell myself that if I will only invest $10k in his treatment, he will recover and we will have a stonger relationship.. I know it is a fairy tale but it is really hard for me not to go there sometimes. I am so f*ng sick of crying… I want to be strong enough to pack his things and tell him it is over. I know it is what I need to do but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it. I am grateful for SOS. You ladies are a lifeline
Linda,
The constant crying is a strong message. So, so sorry. No contact is often recommended? Pack, baby, pack.
Monique, the only reason for you to consider at least asking for a poly is so you could possible be helped in case of a divorce with the info. Also, you might NEED to know the truth. After all, you have children with this guy. Polygraphs now ( done by SA experts) are at least reliable to show they are lying. Your H probably passed the poly from work because he was telling the truth about. They did not ask him if he was into teenage porn or if he had been unfaithful to his wife. They asked him questions concerning the job he was intended to do.
Linda, Just take it one step at a time. If you are not ready to file for divorce then that’s okay. Just tell him you are not ready to have him in the house for now. He has work to do and more importantly, you have healing to do. You cannot heal if your focus is on him. Take care of you. He is a grown man and actions have consequences. He knew better. He also let you find out in a particularly hideous way. He is reaping what he has sown. Let him cry.
IMO, the only reason for disclosures or polygraphs or even intensives is if you have children with the guy. You can divorce him but he will be a constant in your life forever ( unless he dies). Whether your children are babies or grown, you will have to deal with their father forever so it is in your best interest to know exactly what you are dealing with and if possible get them to get help so that interactions can have a semblance of humanness.
If you have no children and you can make it financially then just walk away and help yourself. Put every ounce of focus on YOU. If it works out that you get back together then fine. If it doesn’t then you will be okay and ready to have a life for yourself. It’s all easier said than done so small steps are necessary.
We all have a burning desire for the truth in early days. I suppose it is partly trying to figure out what aspects of our story were real and also a real attempt to kill our feelings for them with the dirty details. BUT. Most of the time, most of us, want a poly so we can see if they are actually in recovery, like they say they are. The poly is about knowing if we can now trust what they say and about saving the relationship.
As time goes on, many of us realize that saving the relationship has a great deal more to do with us, than it does with them? We realize no matter what they did sexually before, that they perhaps are not doing now…the damage has already been done to us. We come to understand that their manipulation of us, for the sole purpose of using up our lives as a front for their depravity, is a far greater crime than anything they did sexually. (bar the use of children) Once that fact sinks in, most of us have little desire to know what they did or even what they are doing? The real struggle here is coming to terms with the fact the men we loved and committed our lives to, were simply using us for their own perverted end. I’m not sure if a poly helps with that understanding or not but I certainly respect any woman’s need to get one. I also have faith that they are somewhat accurate, except when dealing with a sociopath. Lets face it though, once a socio drops his mask, you don’t need a poly to know that you are dealing with the inner dead.Arleigh, very well said indeed.
Great advice Bev. True enough, I need to know because if the children. Specifically my 3 young daughters. Dr. M. was adamant that there was a good reason for my fears and that Gollum needs a psycho sexual eval and a full disclosure poly. I am going to press him to get it done. I doubt he will agree. And Bev it didn’t occur to me that it could be used in court against him if it showed a threat to my daughters. That was big. Thanks.
Kmf “the damage has already been done to us” yes. And there is no fixing it. At least not for me. And “you don’t need a poly to know you are dealing with the inner dead” spot on.
Great post Karen. I agree. It took a long time for me to realize how fake our life was and that we were a front. So, so hard.
Years ago when I first found out he was having extramarital penis activities, we had all these photos of him and I on the walls. I was trying to make sense of them – what I saw, in my mind, was his face blacked out. Us as a loving couple was a mirage that he fabricated. Then I just couldn’t imagine it could be that bad. It was. From the beginning.
Probably a repeat statement here, but SJ NEVER, NEVER admitted anything I didn’t already know. In fact, at both ‘disclosures’ and the poly I knew more than he disclosed and was really just wondering if he would even admit to the full amount I knew. He still hasn’t. With the evidence in black and white he still denies a lot of what I know. I don’t even care anymore, just saying even if you find out it’s more than porn, he may not admit it. He’s more likely to minimize it, rationalize it, gaslight, and then find a way to blame you. We think knowing will provide some sort of closure. I wish that were true more often. Seems even caring what they did or do is a never ending peeling back layers from a giant stinky onion that tears us up and makes the whole environment reek. Wonder if anyone ever got to the core and liked what they found?
Lynng2, It is funny you should use the analogy of an onion. That is exactly what gollum used to describe his “therapy”. Peeling the onion back and seeing the rot. Those were his exact words.
Sometimes we want a full disclosure to justify OUR actions. Monique needs to know just how effed up, cross the line, dangerous her STBX is so that she can decide the course of action for her kids without feeling like she’s overreacting. (IMO Monique there is no overreacting in this situation). Accurate info makes it easier to know what you’re dealing with. I know the Defcon one warning she got from Minwalla was a lot and quite scary. Follow your gut as a momma. Also, if your gut says he’s been involved with more than porn, then he has. I would take any of the Sisters gut feeling over anything an SA says any day. In fact I look at my STBX and just figure everything he said is a lie and go with what I think is true. Bev is right though too. If you can get him to agree to the Poly it might help with protecting your kids later. However, if you can’t get him to take one don’t stress either. We can only do the best we can with so many moving parts and it’s so hard to convince a snake to help.
Sometimes we want a poly to know the level of betrayal according to our own individual yard stick. I think the further along we get the less the last part becomes important. I would have liked to have known everything my SA did. Now it doesn’t matter. In fact even with what I do know the true nature of how he effed me over becomes clearer and clearer every day.
Monique, apologies if you’ve already talked about this..haven’t read all the responses yet.. but my main concern for you right now is that you get tested for STDs just in case. I personally think it is possible for it to be ‘just porn,’ but you just never know with these guys. When my SA told me that it was porn only, he looked me right in the eyes and seemed so remorseful, and at that time I 100% believed him. But turns out it was a helluva lot more than just porn. That might not be the case with your husband, but no matter what, I’d get tested. Sending you big hugs. xoxo
katf, You were spot on. After Defcon one warning from Dr. M. it sent me into a tailspin and anxiety that I did not know existed. I am wanting gollum to do a poly and maybe an evaluation to have a better idea of how to proceed with my children. I am not looking for reconciliation with golllum. I don’t really care what else he has done. What I know he has done is enough. But I have to think about my daughters who will soon be teens. Frankly, what Dr. M. said was not encouraging. It scared the hell out of me. And you are right, I don’t want to overreact.
anniem, I have not gotten tested. I have blocked it from my mind. It is so humiliating and scary I just put it in a box and stopped thinking about it. I know I need to do it. I just keep thinking that I have no symptoms there can’t be anything wrong. I am just scared. And if something is there then I have a whole nother mess to try to sort out. Lately, I have been so fragile. I am on some anxiety meds which I hope will work so I can sleep and not feel like I am jumping out of my skin all the time. I know I have to do it. I just need courage. 🙂
Sweet Monique, some of them don’t have symptoms until it’s almost too late to treat. Don’t wait on courage. Get it done. Get it done next week if you can.
It will reduce your anxiety a bit to have accomplished that goal. It will reduce your anxiety to know you are taking your own health seriously. I promise you it will. Even if they find something, you will have one less thing to wonder about. And you could get treated. One less misery hiding in the dark.
You owe yourself that respect, to protect your health.
Thanks Lynng2, What you have said may be the push I need. Just the thought of asking for the tests is almost to much. But you are absolutely right. I have to do this. I have to. And I would feel a great sense of relief after. But than the results……
Gyn is good but you have to tell them to do the COMPLETE panel of STD tests. They are naturally more expensive and you will want to know what your insurance will cover. Mine listed me as high risk because of lifestyle choices after I had the STD tests, to get them covered by the policy. Not something I want to live forever on my medical files.
Health department is a good choice for quick, discrete (some places are so inexpensive that you can get it done for cash and not have it filed on insurance which is a blessing if you need to keep it from being seen by anyone who will see the insurance statements) and inexpensive. But they’ll send you back to your primary or gyn if they find something that requires treatment other than oral medications, at least here they do.
We can’t avoid results, we’re smack in the middle of them. Freezing is a natural response to perceived threats, but in this case it’s a potential killer. We have to keep going to the other side. I’m sorry, Monique. Just call and schedule it. One step at a time.
Monique, maybe a step towards that.. and I completely understand the fear, believe me.. is to demand that he get tested, and you get a copy of the results. xoxo
I am new here….and my husband only admitted to porn use at first and a period of time when he was traveling where he went to strip clubs-but swore that was it. Well…then I found emails soliciting girls for sex on Craigslist. Found live web chat invoices…found his own post on craigslist asking for sex. Found requests for an in home erotic massage. MY HOME! Then just last night he admits to having a prostitute to his hotel while on travel. That he’s called for them for the past year. He says he couldn’t get an erection and so “just” masturbated next to the prostitute. Says he never went through with having another one because they are too expensive around here. He admits to trying to hook up with a co-worker, but says she turned him down. Somehow everything stops just short of actual sex. This has been going on for over 7 years. No trust left.
Ok, I have to say this here. “I couldn’t get an erection so I just masturbated next to the prostitute”.
WTF. Yep, that is my ex all over. Said he talked through his last visit with his favorite whore. So I had nothing to worry about, and the next time he called her, it was just to get his money back for the sex they didn’t have.
Really, how stupid do you think I am? Whores give refunds? These creeps come up with the most ridiculous lies I have ever heard.
And so what, he hired a whore. A married man hired a whore, and he expects to be let off the hook by his wife because he couldn’t get an erection???? In what reality does that make a difference? You sought out and paid a woman NOT YOUR WIFE for sex.
And that “too expensive around here” comment, look out. So where’s he comparing to?
No man who hires whores stops short of sex, Sara. Especially one who knows the going rate in different towns. I’m sorry, he’s a liar. It will come out over time.
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