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Hey girls! I am back in the USA from being in Saudi Arabia, so I finally feel free to post, but every time I try to “summarize” my story, I end up deleting it. Because I have been on this roller-coaster of a marriage to a passive-aggressive, porn addict, god-complex doctor husband for 32 years, I am so, so weary of the hold-on-here-we-go-again!!!! I chose the name, FinallyStrong, because, I do feel that I have finally come out of this insane-making, fog of emotional abuse and I am for the first time in 10 years, thinking clearly! I have gone through much of the stages of grief over the last 6 months and feel I, myself am healing in many ways from this web of crazy-making confusion! I have been SO angry, SO fearful and had to go through the grieving phase and regret of the loss of Sooooo much: the perfect marriage; my nursing career (ICU RN) because I have followed him all over as he ran from his own demons; healthy home life for my now adult children; regret for what a weak, “clueless”, confused and exhausted woman I HAD become trying to juggle all the balls and keeping some semblance of sanity in our lives!, etc, etc………I am a strong, intelligent and warm woman and I know that is true now (again)!!!!!!!!!! I was never anything else until I jumped on his merry-go-round/roller-coaster life with him! I am off now and not getting back on! Much of the fear and anger I have lived with for years is fading by the grace of God and lots of hard work! Right now, I need to decide what this is going to look like for ME. That is why I am here………….I will post more details at some time soon, but I KNOW for a fact, that I NEEDED you girls right now to keep me straight and not let me get sucked back into this tornado of a life! I am here, reading and processing, many hours of the day, but will begin posting when I catch my breathe…..I know you understand and that brings me such peace. I am with sisters who get-it. What a huge relief!!!! It is just so encouraging to be reminded that what I have felt deep in my heart for so long has been RIGHT and TRUTH and that the “false reality” I have been living in- I call it my Alice and Wonderland world- is no longer where I live!!!!!! The light is on! The fog has lifted and I am FINALLY STRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Glad to hear that FS, This whole AW sex, narc., addict stuff seems to be very prominent professional men. There are quite a few Dr., DMD, DVM, It is perfectly fine for you to listen, process our posts. I also have been trying to get off of the roller-coaster for quite some time. Initially (After the 1st smoking gun) I thought H was truly remorseful and would never betray me again, but that didn’t last long. Glad your back home to USA.
I am so glad you are out of Saudi, FS. You sound like you are doing a great job. And, yeah, it is so good to get them out of your head.
We also have quite a few nurses and other “support/nurturing” (if those are the right words) women. Kindergarten teacher, homeschool moms, stay at home moms, a pastor, therapists, a family law attorney…people that take care of or help others. I don’t know if that’s a female thing or these guys tend to find women like that. Or we become that way unconsciously just trying to keep it all together with them. I know that part of my brain for overworked in my 21 years marriage (and so far 2 year divorce). I was the one who made the sacrifices and held it all together. I was the “grown up” when his life become “unmanageable” as they say. So I can relate to what you are saying.
We will be glad to hear your story whenever you feel like sharing. I don’t think I ever wrote a detailed story, FYI. I started out with a brief overview and have filled in the details as I’ve gone along. So whatever you are comfortable with- there’s no one way to do this.
Thanks Teri, that does give me a little freedom to not have to rehash all at once the years of trauma because of this relationship. I will breathe and jump in as I feel I can. I am so, so blessed to be with such strong and loving women! In the past, I have shared with friends and family, but I know they are weary of my indecision and my husband tends to suck them all in to his “goodness” Haha…Right! , so I have decided to do this on my own right now. You girls have given me hope that I am not alone in this journey!
FS – What Teri said, I am an R.N. too. I work for Medicare though. I would like to return to college one day though. The funny thing is when I finished my ASN my H told me I he would divorce me if I continued to get a BSN. I was very obedient back then. Then I got pregnant and there just wasn’t any time for anything else.
That is one of my HOPEs for me.
I do understand….when I went back to nursing part-time after staying home for years raising our kids, my H made it impossible for me to keep any of my money. He just kept dumping on me, more and more responsibility for the kids knowing how important they were to me, so I ended up with nothing to save…..I see now that he was doing this intentionally so I wouldn’t have a way out. Then, when I went back to work a few years ago, he keeps moving us from here to there because he loses ER jobs, because he can’t get along with the women nurses……fathom that?, so now my resume is working for 1 year and leaving “due to husband’s job”- 4 times and I am soon because of it, going to be unhireable! Damn it!!!!! He makes EVERYTHING I try to do impossible!!!!!!!!!
Similar for me, FS. I just kept taking up more and more of the slack. He wouldn’t contribute his time to the family even though he was his own boss and made plenty (he’s a surgeon). I couldn’t juggle kids and home and career without completely wearing myself out and as more and more got heaped on me, I started having health problems (heart arrythmias, 3 herniated discs in my back, migraines, TMJ, etc.)
He would sometimes cut his hours back for a week or 2 and then it would creep back. All the complaining in the world did me no good. It turns out much of the time I thought he was at work, he was at orgies or with hookers. So the sacrifices I was making for his work were actually also for his screwing. I am still pissed about that.
He wants to give me no spousal support and he named my last “boss”- my dissertation advisor- as a witness against me. I don’t think he talked to him, though, bc my dissertation advisor was screwing the lab tech while his wife worked in the lab next door. The lab tech and I would room together at conferences and then she would sneak out at night to go have sex with him. I don’t think he is going to want to get involved. But the point is, dr. evil wants to not give me any support and try to damage my ability to be able to get a job by limiting my only prof recommendation source by dragging my dissertation advisor into our divorce.
What a mess.
Teri, as I read about your mess, I am so, so proud of you for making it this far! On a smaller scale, I can relate to much of your life and I am so, so sorry that you have had to hurt like this!!!! That is my main reason for not wanting to begin the divorce route, because he will make my life a living hell!!!!! Even the new porn discovery I made before I left Saudi, is now somehow my fault?!!!!! I just went into our ONLY joint account yesterday and mysteriously, he has transferred all 60,000 dollars to his single account (no access for me) and left 700.00 on the day I made the last discovery. when confronted, he made some cocka- mame (sp? but appropriate word) excuse about how it had nothing to do with my confrontation…..sure!
I have to run out, but it is hard to leave the sweet sister-hood even for a bit….so thankful for all of you!
Back….. By the way, the 60,00 dollars in our joint account was agreed on during marriage counseling about 8 months ago, after going years! with him having oonly access to any of our accounts and doling out money as he sees fit….basically, if he thinks I am “behaving”. anyway, after having that money in there for 8 months, I have been extremely, what I thought was trustworthy, to not withdraw any of it even thought I have had real needs…..duped again! Now the money is “gone” (cycle continues) and I sit here in USA with no job and only access to 700 dollars unless I “behave” and he decides I “deserve” more. Of course, now that I have put up some pretty strong boundaries, I am sure I am “undeserving”. So tired of trusting this man!!!!!!! Can’t believe I have lived this for so long and didn’t get that it doesn’t change!
Now off to look for a job!Thanks Jos! Right after I so confidently posted that, the fear starts settling again! I hate this!!!!
You are right to be afraid FS. He is one of the really dangerous ones. Does he need or intend to return to the states at some point? Do have any kind of support system, people who will offer help and support for you to leave him? Children? Family?
Thanks for speaking honestly to me Karen. I know you are right. He has taken this ER physician job in Saudi with oil company, Saudi Aramco and started Jan 2013. I actually stayed behind to spend the time evaluating what my decision would be. After 3+ months of intense counseling and group sessions, I have come to a much stronger and clearer place. It ended up that in order for the company to pay for our family benefits, which includes 500,000 dollar life insurance policy (for when I “do him in”—haha) and the best health insurance for our kids (until they are married), payment for college, etc, etc!!!! Unbelievable benefits! , that I had to go over for a time period to get my permanent visa and then I would be free to come back here to stay. He will have this job for 6 years until retirement age of 62. Part of the benefit package was a 15,000 dollar bonus if we put our house here in South Carolina on an MLS listing to sell, which I have thus far refused to do. He is still “bugging” me to do this as of yesterday, promising that if I do, I can have the 15,000 dollars. Sooooo tempting, but as with other false promises, it will never happen. I know he just wants me to be under his thumb. Anyway, so right now, I do have a home to live in and he is at this point paying the bills because he thinks I am only using it as a temp place to stay as I am going to be mostly back in Saudi with him. (continued)
I do have strong network of friends here in Greenville SC and my family is very close, even thought they all are in Florida. My dad, is the one who insisted on or last separation in 2006 because I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and physically a wreck. He is also and although he and my mom are in their late 80’s, and both in good health, I have chosen at this point to not burden them with our recurrent issue. They already have their tickets and visas to fly back over with me in late Sept for 2 months. I don’t know if I have the heart to cancel their trip because they are planning on visiting Israel and other experiences that they had hoped to do before they die….And our kids have tickets to fly ver to be with us in Saudi for Christmas…..UGH! .Because of this, I am wondering if I need to just keep strong boundaries (I told him NO MORE sex at all after this last incident.) and I will not go back if he doesn’t put the money back in our joint account as promised, etc………and just make it through these next few months as planned until I am really clear about what I am doing. I actually have formed a really strong network in the short few months I was in Saudi, so I don’t feel alienated in that way there. The deal is, I really don’t think he has ever had sex with a “real person” so in that way I feel that “just pornography” is different from many of you, but the SA or Passive-aggressive stuff is the HUGE elephant in the room in our relationship. Although, I read something one of you posted which I love! “For me, pornography and objectifying women ARE adultery and if it’s my relationship, my definition is the only one that counts.” That is enough of a betrayal for me!!!!! I don’t have to accept this!!!!!!!
sorry to ramble on and on, but I would love y.our thoughtsAs I read back through this it makes me sick that it sounds so much like we are just a happy family and how weak I feel I sound staying with him for the illusion of this……I don’t want to be that person anymore! but I am honestly scared to death of rocking the boat!!!!!! It would be so much easier to just play the game and spend most of my time, if not all, after Christmas, back here in the states. The problem lies in the fact that in order for me to get a job, I am going to have to clearly decide to remain here full-time, which clearly communicates to him that I am leaving the marriage….That is when the fangs come out. I am so, so tired of not living 100% in the TRUTH and I hate to feel I am always trying to beat him at his perverted game!
He is finally getting counseling for himself, not marriage!!!!! First time ever that he is willing to do that!
FS, as I was reading your post about going back to Saudi Arabia, in my head I’m saying “no,no,no”! It is, of course, your decision made with your knowledge of the totality of your circumstances but I hope you don’t do it. Better to disappoint your parents and your kids then to put yourself back under the control of your very, very sick H. With as little rights as women in Saudi have, it is the PERFECT place for your H to abuse you further. If it were me, I would never go back there. And BTW, if your parents are strong enough in their late 80’s to travel in the Middle East, they sure as hell are strong enough to handle the “burden” of their daughter’s situation. I would be totally pissed off if my daughter chose not to share something like that with me.
And as far as the “just porn” theory, call me cynical but there have been MANY Sisters who initially thought that was all it was and only a very few of them (if any – see, I really am cynical) ultimately found that to be true. As soon as I hear a sister say that, my first thought is “then you just know the tip of the iceburg.” I personally do not believe that any of these guys stop at porn. Sorry, but I just don’t.
I’m so glad you’re here in the hood and now back in the US so you can post freely. Keep it coming!
Hugs,
DaisyWelcome back Finally strong,
I can feel your turmoil, relief, hope, resolve, fear etc. It is hard to get grounded in your own life when they constantly pull the rug out from underneath you.
Please create a secret accut and stash money. If he can do it why can’t you. also please see a lawyer.I’m in Canada, myself and don’t know NC well, but I was going to add a really good life coach to the counselor/therapist review thread who I know in Greensboro NC. She gets the whole trauma approach, is very compassionate and perceptive. PM me if you want her contact info. I think she has a website but I don’t know if it’s up yet.
take care
Diane.Oh my goodness!!!! Reading back through my own posts made me almost sick!!!!!!! I am not that weak woman anymore and thanks for letting me see that and giving me the swift kick in the butt I needed! i just applied for 3 nursing jobs here in my hometown and as of this morning, I am NOT going back to Saudi as planned. My plan is to keep quiet and put away as much money as I can until I feel strong enough to make this move. I realize how important it is to vent and then read my own words as an outside observer! Wow! i have lived this for so long that I really do need you girls to be raw and honest with me! Please keep up the butt-kicking!
FS,
Thank you for your earlier kind and supportive word to me- while in the midst of your own shitstorm! You are quite a woman. You are going to be just fine once you get through this. Despite all the abuse you have been through, you still have yourself- your compassion, your intelligence, your integrity.First, about the “just porn”. Compulsive porn use and controlling you by limiting money are bad enough, in my book. He is an abuser, and I think you are wise to be concerned about unleashing the beast. I think your first stop should be with a good attorney to find out your legal rights. And then maybe the women’s shelter to find out how to exit an abusive relationship safely.
Next, I would say that “just porn” often means that you haven’t found the evidence of more than porn. My stbx, dr. evil, supposed was addicted to “just porn”, until I found evidence of prostitutes, orgies, contact (and possible orgies) with convicted child molesters in our community…and more. So take the “just porn” thing with a grain of salt.
As far as individual therapy, these guys are famous for going in and lying to their therapists, just as they lie to us, and blaming us. Very few therapists understand sex addiction. Is he going to a CSAT? dr. evil completely fooled a number of therapists and his CSAT (twice) into thinking he was in recovery. While I understand that any movement on his part can feel like hope, I think it is wise to emotionally detach yourself from whatever he is doing. Maybe he is taking a baby step in the right direction or maybe he is throwing you a bone to keep you hooked bc he feels threatened by your leaving Saudi (loss of control). It’s too early to say, but I don’t hold a lot of hope given that he has just cut you off financially. That is not a man who has had a change of heart.
Dear FS
I am so sorry for the situation that has brought you here, but so glad that you found us! This site is filled with wise, compassionate women who all know from experience what you are going through. I hope you find the strength and support here that you need. Please dive in with your story,questions or whatever you need–we are here for each other. This place was literally a lifesaver for me. I hope it helps you to get and stay clear on what is best for you! Take care of yourself!!
Much love and light to you.
Bonnie
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