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In a fit of stupid self-torturing obsession, I found a picture of one of the women my h had a fixation on about 8 years ago. She was a porn video chat hostess that he apparently never had sex with. But she was the one he sent Victorias Secret underwear to, and flowers, and secretly traveled 500 miles (twice) to see her, and talked to her frequently online. Bottom line.. she’s gorgeous, according to the picture I found. It was a normal picture, not related to her porn video thing. She’s in a yoga pose, and is completely beautiful. It hurts. This probably sounds weird, but it almost hurts more than if he’d actually had sex with her, because it makes me think that perhaps his feelings for her felt so real that he was frightened. As I said in another thread he’s suffered from sex phobia and ED phobia since his teenage years. I learned another thing a couple of nights ago, when he confessed that at that time he wanted her to move to our area, so she could be his mistress. He kept telling me that it was all just a delusion, an escape, part of the sickness. But I haven’t spoken to him since, because it just hurts too much. And at the time when he started acting out, I had shut down on sex myself. So here I am, just feeling muddled as usual. He really has..as far as I know.. been working hard on recovery in the last few months. I believe him when he says he doesn’t want to be that man anymore. Maybe in a few days I’ll rise above seeing her picture and feeling hideous and old. And I’ll remember that his Craigslist gf.. that he did have sex with.. was, to put it kindly, rather obese and homely. But still.. right now it hurts. Thanks for letting me vent. It feels better to purge it out in writing. Love you all. xoxo
p.s. On a brighter note, yesterday I went to see my brand new beautiful great-niece, who was born a week ago. It felt so good to be with family and to be focused on this new life. Made me realize just how much this damn sex addiction has ruled my life for six months, and how I need to really work at not letting it.
Annie–sending you a hug. I can relate to this. I saw a graphic text exchange between my husband and a woman he had sex with–she is also on Facebook so I saw pictures of her. She isnt gorgeous, but very very cute, a massage therapist, and 15 years younger than me.
He is impotent and doesnt have desire for me.
He would never pay for anything and claims to hate strip clubs where it is all about money. He found his prey via “legitimate” dating sites.
Anyway, I wish I could just give you a hug. The pain you are feeling right now is in my heart too….((Hugs)) Bonnie. These kinds of things hurt the worst, don’t they? There are times I think I could maybe handle just a bunch of anonymous one-night stands or something like that. Never thought I’d even say those horrible things could be handled! But the other stuff.. the ‘intriguing,’ as they call it, the planning, wondering what went through their heads.. hurts so bad. The efforts they went to in their ‘acting out,’ while they were being off-hand and detached with us.. Some days I dunno how we’re supposed to be able to cope with any of this.
Love, Annie xoxoAnnie, I’m so sorry. These reminders send us right back to square one and those initial sick horrendous feelings of discovery. It sends you right back to the reminder of how surreal this all is.
Congrats on your great niece. How are you possibly old enough to have a great niece, by the way? And I agree–I’m finding that stepping outside of this bullshit is hugely helpful. It’s a process, though, as they say.
Hang in there…sending you hugs.Love Julie
Yup yup yup. What a sad club we are in. I am half chuckling about your “handling” comment. Sometimes I find myself thinking, I could “handle” all this crap and infidelity if the lying wasnt so persistent, or I could “handle” the pain Im feeling if only he could show an ounce of compassion when I am hurting, or I could “handle” the fact that he acted out, wined and dined these strangers, if I didnt have to compare it to the sex-less lack lustre effortless time I get. The list goes on, but I know you get the picture.
Maybe we arent supposed to cope with any of this. My head is telling me that, but my heart is still in the thick of things. Im glad to have friends like you–I think you are lovely and wonderful! What these men seem to value most is such garbage compared to what each and every one of them apparently had…Bonnie,
To me, your last sentence says it all! One of SA life’s issues, I’ll NEVER understand. Ugh.
And exactly WHY, we MUST remember- it is never about US!!! It’s their’s to own- and theirs alone!!!
Thanks you guys for your kindness and empathy. Julie, I’m as old as all hell..55 and aging by the minute. And while I know in my head that their sex addiction isn’t about us, one look at that photo of his little fixation girl has got that niggling voice in my head again. I know you all know the one I mean.. ‘I can never compete,’ ‘Does he fantasize about her still, and even if he doesn’t, will *I* ever stop seeing her beautiful face and body in my head?’ I thought one of the advantages of getting old was that we didn’t worry so much about what we look like, like we did in our earlier years. Thank you, sex addiction, for bringing all that shjt back again. And to all the therapists who say we’re ‘pain-shopping,’ I’d like to blow a big raspberry in your honor and suggest you try being in the place we’re in, and see how ‘healthy’ you act when your world and your reality has been turned on its rear end. ok, I done now. Going to go work on improving my bad mood, and repeating my perspective mantra, ‘This is not the worst thing that could happen.’ And if that doesn’t work, I’ll punch a wall or two. 🙂
Love you guys. xoxoThese women may be beautiful on the outside; on the inside they are very ugly, they choose to have sex with married men and fathers. Their ugliness matches the ugliness of the sex addict. They mirror each other.
I agree that it is morally wrong, the hookers and paying for sex. Porn is a mult-million or billion dollar industry. On the way home i was thinking that i would imagine that 90% of the patrons to hookers and to “massages” and strip clubs are men. If these men would not patron, there would be no money to be had. Many women turn to the forms of money making for a reason, loss of income, drug habit, family to feed, i really don’t know what…but i am sure they hit a turning point.
I read in an article her in my state a girl from a very local city was killed my the long island murderer who had been killing hookers who had advertised on craigslit. She went away for her weekend leaving our local town and was murdered. She had two kids, she started selling hersilf, to support her family. I don’t persecute the pedelar of the wears as much as i persecute the patrons. Without such a slimy seedy proffesion, none of this would be happening. But i feel many are drove to desperation, and its a quick and easy way to make money.
Again men are the driving source behind all of this. I doubt women thought of the idea to sell themselves….and men said okay to help you out honey. Its still very much a mans world.
Oh and as far as legal, i think its the payment, as to wen the law swopps in. Until then i think its not a done deal. I do not condone anyone who makes money off of sex. And that includes porn. Its all in poor taste and at someone elses expense who was drove to extreme measures.
Love,
FloraThe ones who i feel are ugly, are the women who knowingly date married men. They know they are wrong. For the hookers, its just business. its a strictly business transaction. They may not know he is married, but i doubt they care. I think it is a wrong assumption to assume all these women are worthless and ugly. After all your husbands are paying them, and that is why they do it.
And just like none of us as little girls imagining our fairy tale weddings ever dreamed our “married lives” could possibly turn out this way. 🙁 We are responsible for our own happiness, whatever that means for each of us. Let’s GET there! XO!
I don’t think any little boy grows up choosing to be a SA. As adults we have choices. If we need help, we get it, we don’t affect other peoples lives and Health and well being. To me that’s ugly!
My h led a double life for 25 yrs. He knowingly put my health at risk and life for that matter. It was a really ugly thing to do.
Dear Bonnie and Annie,
I REALLY hurt with you. EVERYONE of us has done this at one point or another I think? Everyone of us has a picture or an image in our mind that makes us feel so less than….some of us have many pictures. 🙁 Wives are not meant to know these things, see these things, hear these things. There is absolutely no point trying to normalize this knowledge. This shouldn’t be part of being married but this is part of our marriages and our lives. All we can do is say we understand the pain and say we hope those pictures and feelings will one day fade…for all of us. Take heart…..women like Halle Berrie and Jennifer Anistan and Demi Moore and countless others have lain in bed at night and had an image in their minds. If this pain killed women there would be a shitload of corpes in the world. 🙂 I am not minimizing girls…just letting you know I am right there with you at 3am wondering if it will ever stop hurting. I love you all, karen
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