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I am not sure, but I think we got kicked out of therapy today!
My h has been gone for 2 weeks. When we went today I told him about the trip to Florida my h planned without asking me. I don’t have a problem with him seeing his parents, my biggest issue is how he did not tell me and then tried to make it my fault. The therapist got mad at him (us?) for not communicating. My h was such an ass (again) the guy said call me if you want to come back, good bye. Then he started messing with his phone!!It was incredibly rude!! So did we flunk?? Or is this his angle?
Weird coming from a guy who has only lost 2 marriages in 20 years…maybe he kicks the hopeless ones out to keep his record going! I am so confused, and really kind of insulted…..what the heck?I kindled Karens book today and h started reading it. He found it on his ipad. He is about 4 chapters in and went to bed depressed. Maybe it struck a chord.
I am so tired of this charade.
He is a liar and will always be, not because he has a disease, because he chooses his ego over everything that makes sense. He can be such a nice guy, charming, helpful, generous, but it is part of his disguise so it is hard to find any fault at all in him. The whole package is a manipulation. Challenge him and the monster comes out.wow this is so much more than sex addiction. He is a whole cocktail of freaky behavior.
I wonder if this is good bye to therapist #4? What a big waste of money.
Wow.
It’s never dull.
Heidi, I personally don’t think we should be involved in couple’s therapy until the SA has dealt with his own. We ALWAYS end up as a de-focus from the real problem, and until the real problem is under some control, there’s no point in couple’s counselling.
Now, that’s my opinion. But, I also think your therapist is a problem. You don’t need to have your therapist spank you. How patronizing and rude!
You are worth more. YOu deserve a therapist who sees you and can help you find your way.Quit wasting ANY money and get a damn divorce already!! (just kidding….kinda)
OMG! Rude therapist for sure! I don’t know what to think. Hmmm…. Maybe you’re right about the track record! I would write him a nasty letter if it makes you feel better!
Heidi, everything you said about your SA, I could say about Dum Dum! Although, I am learning tolerance of SOME SA’s – the ones who are actually trying and we all know who they are! But yours- ugh!! He is SOOO my SA!!!
Kick him to the curb, girlfriend!! You’re RIGHT! It is WAY more than sex addition! (or else sex addiction truly IS everything we’re afraid it is and MORE!!) 🙁
Was it the one “silently seduced” ? I cannot rememeber mentioning another . Now ,however I want to…”Let’s face it, men are a%$#&%%@” by Joseph Rock and Barry Duncan…both psychologists. It is a book about spotting problem men in the hope you can avoid marrying them and some tips on how to cope if you do marry them? It is not specific to SA or anything, though I think they are mentioned. It is lighter, bang on and makes you laugh in parts. You will see your SA in MANY of the problem men identified? I thought this was a good book and humorous. We should give it to our daughters and sisters and friends. It would be fun for those dating and those hoping to date…even me. 🙂 It is not as heavy as much of the stuff we normally read BUT it isn’t fluff either. These guys make some wise points…not the least of which is we should all set a time limit of a year to give time for them to change.That year should also be spent preparing to leave if no change occurs. I got a kick out of it…if you don’t see your husband (and u will) then you will see friend’s husbands, old boyfriends ect. I recommend it. I got a kick out of it, it had really good observations, it made me laugh and it had good tips for techniques to help you cope if you cannot get out right away? It is hopeful….it will not make you feel like throwing yourself off a cliff ….so read it girls. 😉
Dear Heidi,
I am trying to be kinder , less hard and more open to our lovely husbands. BUT your husband and Lynn’s are driving me to pontification and judgement. I am 100% convinced your husband is a NPD heidi. I think he is getting the wrong kind of help.
The therapist is a complete fool because in what dimension does he think you can communicate with a liar and a lunatic. How would you do it? How can you do that? Anyway I completely agree with Diane. You should not be in couples counselling with him. That cannot help you and or him. God heidi…..he is so much work isn’t he? 🙁 karen xxKaren,
I can’t wait to get your recommendation!! Sounds really fun! And, we can ALL use a laugh!! Thanks!!
Yes, karen…ui have to order that one too!!
As far as for heidi…is this the trip he planned without asking you? And you are still going therapy with him? He said it was to see his parents? What about the rest of you seeing his parents….I don’t know. Something does not feel right.
Of course you guys got kicked out of therapy. I have heard that many therapists get tired of dealing with SA retardedness. Your h is not even trying, planned a vaca without even asking you. I would fire him too. Maybe you should be happy in that he will not continue to take your money, and offer false hope.
So what is the status of your relationship with h now??
Love,
FloraI agree with flora, the therapist was following his own boundaries. I don’t treat an ass hole who plans a trip without telling his wife first. I also agree couples therapy is usually not recommended until the sex addiction is treated via a treatment facility or outpatient. Both is best because the ones that are totally gone ( like mone and yours) needs to get sober first which usually requires going away to acheiVE it (Inpt).
Heidi, your h sounds like a bull in a china shop. I agree with what the man said at his group meeting, something like ” I can’t believe you wife is still around or hasn’t kicked you out”. Something like that. I hate hearing how selfish he is and how much he hurts you in the process.
Love, NAP
Heidi,
What a lot of BS. As if it’s your fault that communications with a LIAR aren’t working. Smoke coming out my ears!
This therapist seems as if he’s relating to you both as children. I don’t know why, but I would get nothing out of being in the same room with someone expressing that attitude, except higher blood pressure.
Maybe it’s a blessing in disquise, you don’t have to see that therapist anymore. Maybe a better one is what’s around the corner?
I agree with Diane. My SA asked me to go back for couple’s counseling. I told him last night that I thought about it for a day, but it occurred to me: I DON’T NEED couple’s counseling. I’ve done MY work. I KNOW how to be in a relationship, how to honor commitment, how to compromise, how to support a partner…I just need a PARTNER who can do those things too–one who is truly a partner, who is honest and kind, who’s an adult and wants an adult relationship, who does not ALWAYS put himself and his “needs” first. How’s couple’s counseling with him going to help me get THAT?!
When therapist said my h does these things because I let him get away with it. I said so is that where the co dependent-ness comes in? he said yes. So I said, well if something I do causes him to do the things he is doing then I would like to gracefully step out of this relationship and I hope he can be ok then.
Either we separate, or I spend the rest of my life being blamed or used as a justification for the bad things he does, not just sex, any impulsive thing he wants. I am his escape goat. And that is not my definition of a happy life.
The book is “silently seduced”. I ordered the newer version. The reviews gave me the creeps, it has my mil all over it.
My h’s newest defense is that this is generational there for he has no control over it. He keeps asking me why our daughter is just like him then? She struggles, she has a lot of anxiety like him and she lights up a room the same way he does. she is also very insecure even though she appears to be very comfortable talking to anyone. She is also being promiscuous (in a college girl way or sa way???) So how? I am nothing like his mother, I am easy going and I don’t try to control anyone. I let my kids make choices and I also let them accept responsibility for their mistakes. SO what part is generational? Does she act like him because he is a control freak? He pushes so hard for them to be perfect athletes, perfect report cards, perfect to the world. I could give a rats ass. There is more to life than what a coach or teacher tells you.
I wish I could understand better so I can help her not turn out like him. I asked him to help, oh god, and you know what he said in a sad, disappointed way, “she has probably already had more sex than me in my life”. as if he were jealous. And then I really flipped out, what kind of dad would say such a thing???
his answer, I wasn’t saying she has had a lot of sex, I was saying I haven’t really had that much.
I don’t care who had any amount of sex…..I don’t want her to be like him!
he is a 15 year old boy. And will not help her, cause thats not fun.Hey – while he was gone the last 2 weeks, he actually worked over 200 hours!!! IN 2 weeks! Wow, he is trading addictions!
AS always March…u are dead on. We have turned ourselves inside out trying to make something work with these men…..haven’t we?? What else could we possibly do? I cannot think of anything, any therapist, could tell me that I haven’t tried at some point or another. The reason nothing gets any better is usually pretty simple? We want things to change and they want to maintain the status quo ( which usually is some variation on them having the cake and also getting to eat it…fill in what you like for the cake). The ongoing tug of war is really just two people pulling in different directions with different agendas. No wonder it all feels so damn exhausting. A couple’s therapist can really only facilitate a couple who both want a different kind of relationship. It just doesn’t work when only one half of the couple actually wants change.
At one point, my h and I were talking about couples’ therapy. At the time (this was a few months ago, when I was still leaning more towards staying and hoping for a future post-recovery relationship.) Anyways, my h said, “well I don’t think it’s time to start couples’ therapy yet because I’m afraid all you’ll want to talk about is THIS.” Ummm, YA THINK????
Dear Heidi,
All I can say is when you STOP letting your H engage you and definately STOP letting him and his therapists involve you in his drama…then I cann’t help but think you will feel better, dear girl. I want to scream at you “Heidi, just stop talking to your H..FULL STOP!” But I know it doesn’t work that way. Could you maybe spend some of that therapy money on someone safe who could be there just for YOU, Heidi? And could you consider not going to anymore therapists with your H? Even if you cannot do anything else…could you stop going with him and find someone good for yourself? karen xx
Karen xx
karen I love your advice and you are right. My life has gotten so out of hand. I am so sick of this sa shit. It is so nice when he is out of town, but when he returns it is right back to miserable tension. I am working towards my exit. I have been reorganizing the financing. getting credit cards in my own name, cleaning out closets even! I am still waiting for my lease and re-fi on my LLC. Once I have that I can move forward.
I am going to go see my own therapist. Not about sex addiction, about getting out of this hell and moving forward and not letting anyone take advantage of me again.
Have you ever gone back and read your first posts? I have grown a lot since then, but I am still fighting the same shit. I am so tired. something has to change.
Dear Heidi,
I know its been a long journey and so tiring. Don’t give up on your life, ever. You are taking the right steps. Protect yourself every way you can. Plan. Prepare. As you do that, you will find things begin to work for you. And possibilities open up.
Hang in there, you are a wonderful woman.
D.xoDear Heidi,
I think that EVERY married couple develops a pattern of interacting over the years. When the marriage is dysfunctional these patterns are more entrenched. If one partner is crazy…they only know how to interact in a dysfunctional way. I think that you sometimes do what many of us do…we try to get help or support or have sane conversations with crazy,abusive men. IT doesn’t work BUT we are lonely, stressed, worn down and frankly… we are used to them…in a weird kind of way. We slip right into engaging with them, even though we have sworn last time was the last time. 🙂 It is really hard to be under the same roof and not get sucked into the drama. Just keep doing as you are doing Heidi. Though it may seem you are getting nowhere you are still moving forward. How long to get that lease signed? Karen xx
Dear Karen,
Please follow your own advice and find someone special just for YOU!!! I want you to have the best, because the best deserves the best! Really.Dearest 1st SOS sister I met in person,
You have came a LONG way and I am so proud of you!! I still remember that wonderful morning, sitting on your beautiful deck (starving to death, LOL), and talking for hours!! You looked soooo beautiful! I sat there and wondered how your SA could be such a dumbass??? And you were so easy to be with and fun to talk to! I felt like we had known each other forever! You are gonna make it, I just KNOW it and you will be so happy when it’s done! (sad too, but mostly happy!) I was talking to Julie tonight and she was a bit grouchy at times! She said, “it’s like we are getting evicted out of our own marriages!” 🙁 How true. And definitely not what we had in mind!!
You are going to be so thrilled some day soon when you are dating someone who treats you like the princess that you ARE! And you will wonder what the hell took you so long. Your kids are gonna be fine too! They will ultimately be proud of you for sticking up for yourself, once and for all! Your SA can wallow in his own misery! Who cares??And just to have the knowledge that you tried with everything you had to keep your marriage in tact. That much is obvious! You’re a good girl, dear friend and there is no where but UP for you! I can’t wait to see you soar!!! XO!!!!
Dear Heidi
Sorry to hear things are not going great – but I am really pleased to hear you are going to start your own therapy, I have started to see a counsellor over the last month & it is been great to talk about what I want out of my life. My focus has shifted from the “marriage” to me, which is awesome, I thoroughly recommend it!
After D-Day I knew couples counselling would be a complete waste of time for me, I didn’t even know if I wanted to be married, so save your money & spend on yourself!I hope the legal/finance stuff gets sorted soon, so you can be free from all this shit, you deserve alot better.
Love T xx
Heidi,
I agree with everyone, you have come a long way and you are moving in the right direction. Take good care and love yourself as much as you love everyone else.
Love, NapYou guys are too sweet. I am so grateful I can bounce this insanity off people who understand. What a weird world we have all landed in.
Diane and nap thanks for sticking around, I can’t wait to be on your side of the hill!
sl you are too funny! All I did was talk your ears off! Barely came up for air, food was out of the question! But it was definitely a turning point for me as well 🙂
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