- This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 9 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Hi everyone,
I just got back from a spending a few days with my 4 closest friends from college. We met when we were 18 and have gotten together every year or two for the last 30 years. We are all 52 years old and such a diverse group. 4 of us are married and have been for a long time. The other friend, Cynthia, has been dating Tom for 2 1/2 years and neither has ever been married. She has had previous relationships that were not good….the man she had in her life prior to Tom woke up one morning and told her to find another place to live after 5 years “because you’re just not pretty and I’m embarrassed to be with you.” She’s in love, and Tom is really good to her and when people ask her about him, she talks about how kind he is. One of her other friends made the comment that she uses the word “kind” frequently…..and asked why she doesn’t use other words, like talking about how hot he is or how exciting, etc. My friend said she turned to her and said, ” Have you ever had the man in your life be kind to you consistently? There’s NOTHING hotter than that, and every woman should have this.”
I was so choked up all I could do was nod…I totally agree with her and I am so happy for her. I just wanted to share that with all of you.
Love,
MarieThanks Marie. Have been missing you. Glad you enjoyed your time with friends. (Do they know of your marital struggles?)
Kind…a beautiful word and quality.
Take care, B. Trayed
Hi B. trayed,
Interesting questions about whether my friends know….I have really struggled with this. I would love to tell them. There really isn’t anything I couldn’t or wouldn’t tell them…..BUT…and this is a big one for me….if we stay together and they know the full truth, they won’t be able to forgive him. They are like my family in that regard ( I can’t tell them, either)…unfailingly loyal and I am so blessed to have them in my life. But if my husband and I work this out and are blissfully happy for the next 30 years….they would always treat him like an unwelcome leper for ever having done any of this to me, even if he stayed in recovery and was the best husband ever for the rest of his life.
So they know we are having trouble, they know we are in counseling, working on things, I have mentioned the possibility of divorce…. but I have allowed them to believe that it’s that empty nest, couples drift apart, can we reconnect thing… a partial truth. And I’m okay with that for now. There will be hell to pay if we divorce and I tell them the truth, but they would be the first to agree with me that I did what I had to do:)
MarieMarie – My exprience has been that when I told my friend’s and family about Steve’s addiction, they immediately came to my rescue and wanted me out of the marriage – in fact, criticized me for staying in. Now that things are starting to work for us, they all (but one very opinionated and controlling friend) want me to be happy, and if I can be happy with SA they are all for it.
Friends and family both have always loved Steve, so that wasn’t the issue. I had two sons and family over on July 4th and they were just as natural around Steve as they have ever been. They always felt bad that Steve had this affliction, but they’re loyalties were with me. They are all very knowledgeable about sexual addiction, and realize there will be slips and possible relapses, but as long as I can live with it and Steve is trying his hardest, they are okay with it.
Hopefully, your’e friends and family would react the same way.
- The forum ‘Relationships’ is closed to new topics and replies.