leaving – patterns – this is so hard to admit

i realize that i’ve always had a hard time leaving relationships. i don’t know if this is cultural or what. in my culture, divorce is very rare and definitely frowned upon. my parents definitely have had their share of disagreements over the years but the example i always saw growing up was that when you’re in it, you’re in it. they don’t have my dream relationship or anything but they love and support each other, and i know they will always be there for each other and for their kids. they are solid, consistent, they express themselves emotionally.
why am i saying this?
because i am so fucked up.
i realize that in my relationships i have always needed a crisis to propel me to leave. sometimes i have created one myself and sometimes i have waited for the other person to do so. when i was in college, i cheated on my high school boyfriend (my first “serious” relationship – however serious they can be at that age – a 2.5 year relationship) because i fell out of love and didn’t know how to break up with him in a healthy way. i told him immediately. the goal was not to cheat and maintain the relationship. the goal was to break up. fast forward to my college boyfriend who i was with for about 6/7 years. i fell out of love, got bored, didn’t know how to break up since nothing was really that bad – so i left the country on a volunteer trip and ended up starting another relationship while i was there. it was an extremely shitty and cowardly thing to do and really broke my BF’s heart. same pattern, i told him within about two weeks of starting the relationship. after that i promised myself i would NEVER end a relationship by cheating again. and i haven’t. that was 13 years ago. in some ways i feel like having been in a relationship with an SA is karma coming back to bite me.
my next long term relationship (5.5 years) after that was the first relationship i would characterize as pretty unhealthy. in no ways abusive or violent, but i was with a guy who had all kinds of commitment issues and i did a lot of pushing him away wanting him to come after me. the patterns were very dysfunctional. i wanted to end the relationship, we broke up a number of times and kept getting back together. in the end i broke up with him because he cheated on me once, and then lied to me, about it. he admitted it within a few days, but i was very clear that what he did was egregiously wrong and somehow grounds for a breakup. i felt so free and relieved when we finally broke up. and so clear that cheating on me and lying to me about it was unacceptable, one of us had finally crossed a very clear boundary and i knew exactly what to do. a few months later i started dating my SAXBF. i had no idea about his addiction until we had been dating for 2 years, and only vague ideas about the cheating and lying. just kept feeling like something was off, and had lots of red flags. but he kept denying stuff, and i kept waiting for something awful to happen. i wasn’t really able to make a clean break in the relationship until it did – he didn’t come home one night. that was what i needed. that was over a year ago. while i had broken up with him a couple of times over other stuff, it never lasted. however it became easy as pie to kick him out after he didn’t come home that night- but still hard to disentangle my heart and understand what had happened. we split up, he “hit bottom” in my apartment, went into serious recovery and therapy, i got a disclosure last december, went no contact for about a month and a half, and then we started seeing each other again in feb. he was much more humble, in touch with his emotions, empathetic. he asked me to get back together with him in april. since then i realize i have just been waiting for something awful to happen. something decisive. even though i’ve had some more red flags – not of SA stuff, but just of regular behavior/attitudes that i don’t really like, and a lack of emotional intimacy in the last few months – i’ve been trapped in this mindset that i need a clear sign, like to know that he cheated or has been inappropriate with other women, before i have a real reason to leave. but why does it have to get there? why are my boundaries related to sex instead of just wanting and expecting to be treated right? why does anything short of cheating or inappropriate interactions with other women make me second guess my own reaction?
anyway, yesterday morning i broke up with him. i’ll say more about that soon because i am still trying to understand it in the context of this pattern. i needed something concrete to happen, but i broke up with him NOT for cheating on me. maybe a tiny step forward.
i am trying to stay strong and clear about it but this is uncharacteristic and an uncomfortable space for me, it doesn’t feel black and white, but i am really trying to trust my gut here. please send your prayers, i could use them right now.