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So, my (soon to be ex) H’s first and primary reason for dumping me (he says) is that our sex life had become boring.
I just want to take this apart for a minute because it makes me angry on so many levels.
Ok, things haven’t been amazing lately, but it hasn’t been that bad. We’re well over the honeymoon first-flush phase, and it’s unrealistic to expect that to last forever. I thought infatuation was meant to be replaced with real love? It was for me anyway. But maybe if you hide some part of yourself away in a destructive addiction, you never get that.
Things definitely took a downwards turn when I found out about the acting out, the websites and the prostitues. It shook me through in so many ways. I didn’t realise just how much it had affected my until recently, incredible as that may seem. I was so angry but I thought he had so much to deal with in recovery that I smothered it, and my libido went with it.
As he sought recovery, his inward focus seemed to magnify. He concentrated on himself. I concentrated on him. I felt incidental, unappreciated, and used. This is not the basis for a woman to feel sexy.
The boring sex that he complains about, that was the times that I gave myself to him so that he wouldn’t need to look at porn. I tried to give him what I thought he wanted, at my own expense.
And what do I get in return? A character assassination of how unsexual I am, how crap our sex life is, and how he wants passion again. Just not with me.
Some amount of this has got to be that he’s comparing us to his addict’s high. Maybe some is that he’s changed his tastes based on the porn that he’s been watching. But whichever way you cut it, it’s immature, insulting, selfish, and degrading.
If I could do it over, or even if I could have the chance to work on our marriage, I would look after myself more, I would give only if I could spare it, and I would have put myself first. I can’t go back, but I can do all of those things, starting from here.
Yes Anna start now. All SA find marital sex boring because they crave the unknown, it’s part of the high. I was compared to a blow up doll once by my not soon enuf 1 St h. Gee really, I thought I was in ‘the zone’ but it ended up being the twilight zone……………Youre laying in you bed with you blow up doll then all of a sudden… Dodododo Dodododo
Notice how he says “sex life” or “sex”, not “love-life” or “making love”. that’s because sex addicts do not make love.
they have sex.
and as Nap said. Of course its boring. HE’S BORING!!! And its boring, because they WANT and NEED it to be boring so that they can justify their NEED to be with other people.
In my dating days from 7-08—-9-09, I heard from so many married men who all said the same thing to me.
“my wife doesn’t have nearly the same sex drive as I do.”
or,
“she’s just into ‘vanilla’ sex.”
grrrrrrrr… (that one made me cringe like you cannot believe)
vanilla SEX?
Hey dude, get some fucking hot fudge, and some ready whip and spread it all over her vanilla pussy and lick it all up?
okay???
all of it…
haha!
but that’s too much work… too creative… tooo, toooooo
its all about him and its his (fucked up) way or the hi-way…
yawn…
i say… move along Jack… tell HIM to take the hi-way, ’cause you have no room in your life for any man who doesn’t truly love and desire you.
bye, bye…
Let’s turn this shit around: Everything I read that was written FOR the addict–the white book, blah blah…etc., talked about how marital sex will be “simple” but fulfilling. All this stuff about not lusting after their wives either. No lust. Just simple, intimacy, showing love physically. I thought, GREAT, so gone are the days of foreplay in the car on the way home from the restaurant, being slammed against the bedroom wall or bent over a chair. No flashing him from the window while he’s working in the back yard. Nothing fun. I am to be relegated to the Saltine cracker of sex because HE has a problem. I like it when a man gets hot and bothered about me, I hope I get to experience that again. But I hope I’m the only one he wants and that he wants the rest of me too.
And Anna–what an ASSHOLE. He really knew where to hit you, didn’t he? And none of it’s true. Everything out of his mouth is a lie. That’s not the reason he’s leaving, but he’ll sure let you believe that. He won’t even give you some peace in the end.
I’m with you, March.
sex will be simple??? huh???
wtf???
who wrote that fucking book??? not a wife, I can tell you that!!!
Or as I say: “one man’s wife is another man’s whore.”
LOL
This is some sex addict’s fantasy of what he THINKS wives want. loser. We want it hot and fun and interesting too! we want romance and adventure and to play games and be surprised!
but most of all, to be looked at admired and appreciated as a woman.
at least I do!!!
that’s hot!!!!!!
but yeah… I want the WHOLE ENTIRE FRIGGING PACKAGE!!! đ
Anna,
What an asshole. I’m sorry. And March and Lexie, I’m with you. On top of wanting it all, I’m not getting any younger. I’m so resentful of the time that was taken away from me, while I was working so hard to be a good wife.Oh, How many times have I said that to him–that he robbed me of the last ten years before menopause. I mean, I know there’s life after menopause, but those last years of having plenty of estrogen, still being seen as sexual and valuable by our f-d up culture. Stolen.
It just leaves me speechless: you tell me about your addiction, you ignore me for months to concentrate on yourself, you let me work longer hours and do all the housework, you put zero effort into foreplay, or turning me on in any way, despite my requests, and then you complain I’m not sexual enough? FUCK RIGHT OFF.
It’s all an excuse anyway. If it was just that, any amount of actual effort would almost certainly yield results.
Lexie: spot on, he has never uttered the phrase ‘make love’ in all these years. Because that is too intimate a connection for him to make.
Everyone tells me that our divorce is for the best, even HIS therapist, lol. I think everyone might be right. Thanks, ladies.
This is just another example of the SA blaming us. They just can’t resist the target, especially because it’s a vulnerable place for wounding someone, and they always look for the easiest target on their easiest target.
My SA was a big bore in bed, and when I tried in the early years to talk about our sex life, improve our sex life, he would freeze me out. I gave up, and I also had no idea why he was the way he was.
But don’t believe their assessment of you. As it turns out, I’m actually way out of his league. YOu probably are too. And I’m not going back.
And also, for the record, after menopause things get very interesting for different reasons. You just need an open, warm, mutual, loving man who likes intimacy. I never imagined anything for myself at all. (lexie will swear to that truth). But here I am having the best sex of my life, and it’s also making love, too. No rushing. Lots of communication. Bursts of passion. Laughing. Tenderness.
All of us, no matter what our age, have years of good sex ahead of us. We just need the right partner.Anna,
My H did the exact same thing. I like how you termed it character assassination. That is exactly what it is!I was told that sec was no longer exciting because it no longer felt ânew.â We had been together 9 years at the time. No duh asshole, of course it isnât new. So he tells me he NEEDS ânewâ to be happy and Iâll never be new again so he wants a divorce. I have jumped through sexual hoops trying to keep it interesting because for two years it was apparent he was loosing interest. He tells me he has a hard time keeping an erection because he isnât sexually attracted to me anymore. I guess when being compared to what he was comparing me to, what else would you expect?
His middle age spreading waistline and newly acquired bald spot are just oh so fâing attractive.
No matter what he has done to âact outâ or what he ever does to âbe soberâ, I have a hard time believing Iâll ever get past those words. They were more hurtful than any of his actions. I am also finding it impossible to forgive him for wanting to leave me, our family and our life to pursue better sex. And equally daunting to forgive him for allowing his fantasies to change his feelings for me.
He told me many times that my greatest sexual appeal was how confident on bed I am. He stole that confidence in a heartbeat with those words. So not only has he made me feel completely inadequate sexually but he has taken the one thing he claims to have liked the most Itâs like he was setting me up for failure.
March,
EXACTLY!!! Ironic how I was becoming so sexually boring comparison to his vivid fantasy life yet now, from what Iâm hearing, he is going to be completely boring in the bedroom. No sexual excitement allowed. Donât sexualize your wife or view or as a sex object From what he said, no worries there. No this, no that. No fun!!! I always figured that at some point age was going to dull down my sex life. But not the age of 41!!!! Thank you so much for posting that. I haven’t said a word about feeling that way to anyone. I felt I was being superficial.Actually, thank all of you ladies for posting your feelings on that. I have truly struggled with feeling this way. All of your words made me cry knowing I really am not alone and maybe not so superficial after all.
My H’s fantasies stole the attraction of real live sex with his wife for years. And now they are stealing MY real live sex.
I have to go now. My H came in unable to use the copy machine. So now I have to go do it for him. My life story.
kim, your SA can’t get or keep an erection because you are a real person, and it’s terrifying to him. If he used prostitutes, he de-personalized it by paying them to do and act as he wanted. I just can’t believe how hurtful he is. What a prick.
Just like mine—pretending that he’s just a sexual animal of great expertise and capacity—but he’s stuck with me!!!Not any more.
Why are you staying with this guy? You are beautiful and smart and sensitive and funny. He’s a fucking asshole. Not an original term, I know. But he’s not really very special. He’s like mine.
You know I can’t even imagine touching my SA now. I don’t want him. And honestly do you want this man? Or is this about family? or children? Because it can’t be about being with someone who is capable of loving you and cherishing you for the rest of your life, the way you deserve.
Let me just say you, as all of us, deserve better—and better is out there.
And I’m really really sorry it all made you cry, Kim. But that’s a sign that you haven’t lost touch with yourself. And that’s good. I hope things improve. I really do. And I apologize for calling him a fucking asshole. Because he’s your fucking asshole, and I understand how complex it can all be. I know you have loved him. I loved mine too. More than I care to think about. I loved him completely. I wanted to grow old with him at my side. When the end came I wanted all those years together to keep us strong for each other. So I get it. I just don’t like it.
warm hugs, and now I’m crying too.
D.Diane,
He is an asshole. Not your fault for noticing! My first husband was an asshole too. But he never tried to hide it or pretend he was anything else. He also loved to lie. Although I think of it more as bullshitting because he doesnât expect you to believe him and he admits he is lying. You say to him, âyouâre such a fâing liar.â And his response (with a shit eating grin), âI know.â THAT was more preferable to this. It was at least real if that makes any sense.Youâre right⌠it is complicated. Family, finances, health insuranceâŚ
All that crap and more was spewed out in a single afternoon that started the droppings of the bombs. Prior to that he treated me like gold. With the exception of the 100âs of times he was betraying me behind my back for 5 of our 8 prior years of marriage. There is that small detail.
Thanks for your kind words. Sorry you are crying too!!!
Hugs, KimOh ladies, it’s tragic that their ridiculous words could wound you beautiful, loving creatures. They are the words of a desperate fucker. And I use that word to delineate between a fucker and a lover. These men had ceased being anyones lover and therefore couldn’t possibly see you as the wonderful, real woman that was available for love and mutual expression of it.
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