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If you’re able to, collect evidence before he ever even knows what you suspect. And then show up at the door of his fuckbuddy when you know he’s there. 🙂
(Sorry, that is my own personal fantasy and big regret that I didn’t start quietly collecting all that crap right after starting to find things out. And then giving him the shock of his life when he least expected it. )
Full panel STD testing.
Avoid buying and reading Carnes books.
If you can’t find a competent therapist to help you, educate yourself about trauma and abuse. Arm your self with knowledge for your own personal healing.
Allow yourself as much time as you need to heal and grieve. Do what you can at your own pace. Healing is not a race.
Trust your gut instincts and listen to your body.
Develop self compassion.
Remember that an SA’s opinion is not a litmus test for truth or reality. They do not determine your value or worth. They are abusers — not bearers of truth, sanity or wisdom.
These are all great!
Also, if your h chooses to get help, on his own accord, Dr. Omar Minwalla at ISH in California is one of the best.
He also has great intensives spouses for healing.
Accept that once you “know” there is little point in trying to “unknow’ it by, a) listening to their hogwash excuses and rationalisations or b) drinking yourself into a stupor or c) going to some dumb ass therapist who informs you your discoveries will eventually make your marriage stronger… if you give them enough time and money.
Never “own” your part. You don’t have a part. He is sick and you were duped and don’t let anyone use your hope to get you to climb aboard another pain train. Let it hurt and let it go.
No matter how badly you feel, no matter how frightened you are, no matter how much you long for the man you thought you had…..NEVER, EVER allow yourself to smoke the HOPIEM. Make a list of all the ways he abused and betrayed you and read that over and over until the urge to join him in LALA land passes.
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