Letter from my SA

And here’s the other one: “I was hoping you would wake up and write a note or text a message that it was ok that I stay at home. Very disappointed, but such is the way of having grasping, clinging expectations.

I will try to lease a room for an extended time period as it looks much less expensive than a day to day rate. Very hard to really write that but once a grandson of Molly…

Not a lot of time to write now as my schedule is pretty busy. In some ways not sure what else to say that I have not said about my plans, my desires and goals. Not sure what else to say that I have not said about wanting to be present to allow a place for your hurt to be voiced and to feel that your voice has been heard. I know I have developed more capacity, although not full capacity, to be present in the face of your pain without withdrawing. I owe you that and more. I have a great indebtedness to you and although I can never replace what was lost, I can be present with you more fully. I know you may not choose to want my presence but I feel it is all I really have to offer you that is not in the form of some promise or future hope (both of which are soiled entities indeed). I realize I can let you have distance even if it is not what I want and am fearful that distance begets more distance. I will leave that up to you. I know you know what I want. I have never wavered in my intention even if I have repeatedly failed in performance. If receiving notes from me is too dysphoric, I will not write. I assume you will let me know your desires but based on your last response I believe that these notes do not have the same potential to bridge the chasm as interacting personally.

I will do whatever I need to do to get healthier, and although I hope that you are favorably moved by those actions, I will continue to heal regardless of your presence in my life or not. I want you with me, I have always wanted you with me, I owe you a healthy me if you choose that. I hope that some day you will come to want me in your life again and I do completely, and without critical judgement, understand if you choose a new direction. “

Jesus! Deja fucking vu!

Kelly, that’s how he talks. Very intellectualized. Very cut off from his feelings. But he can be persuasive. But yes, anniem, there is something empty and missing, right? You can hear him but you can’t feel him. Strange and sad. And sometimes I feel really sorry for him, and that’s kind of dangerous for me to have compassion for him. And sometimes I do. I don’t know- it’s all very confusing. We’ve had a long marriage- most of which he was acting out and I never knew. But I still sometimes see the person I thought he was. I don’t know anything anymore.

Yes, Jomard, that’s it exactly, ‘you can hear him but you can’t feel him.’ And so so many letters from SAs that have been shared on here are just like that. I have compassion for mine too. It feels so often like I’m feeling something for a lost little kid, instead of a man. I guess it’s more comfortable than feeling the rage I felt previously, but it messes with my head. And maybe that’s what you’re feeling too? It’s frigging disorienting, that’s all I know. Hang in there, hon. You are so not alone. xoxo

LOL FUCK is cathartic.

“I don’t need to be solely responsible for my husband’s humanity.” That is a pillow quote right there!

Kelly , you CERTAINLY do not have to worry about him being the man YOU wanted with another woman? That will NEVER happen. He will be EXACTLY the kind of man he is now…no matter who he is with. The only difference will be another poor woman will be living the Hell that is now yours. The entire point of the whole exercise….is to move his poison out of your life. Not that any of us want to see them traumatize another woman, but there isn’t much we can do about it. We can only look after ourselves most of the time. Think back to how long it took for you to find him cheating the first time
? It will be a similar timescale for her and probably a lot less. These men are NOT capable of being anything but what they are, and nor do they want to be anything else. They just want some patsy to put up with it.

I don’t think you believe him, Bev.

I don’t believe him. I believe that he believes his shit. I believe that right this minute he is doing the “perfect SA dance”. He truly believes his own shit. I just don’t believe it will prove to be a lasting change……He can’t do it. I also believe that he needs me to be angry or sad or whatever because then when he fails, it can be my fault again.

Just try to imagine all the wonderful good he could do and all the full backpacks there would be if ONLY he had a supportive wife? Brings tears to my eyes…..hahahahahahah

Bonnie:
Sorry, I wish it were easier to read. It’s also posted in the “Photos” section of this site, in a bigger image. Basically, after my first d-day, my husband scrawled his serial killer-like apology on a chalkboard chicken statue in our kitchen. It was pretty cute, had chalk on a string around her neck, and you could write “Buy Milk” or “Be home in 15 minutes” or whatever little message you wanted to leave. She’s wrapped up and in storage now.

Jenny, when the time comes….I think you should revive the chicken for one last note. xoxo