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Ok. I’m cringing while I type this, because I’ve just found a letter I wrote to my SA ex shortly before we separated. It demonstrates perfectly the control he had over my mind and how he’d managed to almost convince me that everything was in my mind. I thought I’d share it with you. I’ll add my thoughts today in brackets!!!
Dear Anthony
I thought it might be better for me to write things down.
I appreciate what you say about not expecting me to ever trust you 100%. I know that must be hard for you (my heart bleeds!) but it does make me feel that you appreciate that I’ve been hurt (understatement of the year!)
I think that where we tend to hit a problem is in situations where I get highly emotional. Your first reaction is defence because you feel I’m attacking you (or because you’ve got plenty to be defensive about?!) I interpret that defence as a cover up (er that’s because it IS bb!), especially if, as it often does, it involves you mentioning things about me. (Oh yes, you were good at that. I know I shouldn’t have called sex lines but you were too busy to be there for me etc etc etc) It reminds me of you playing mind games and makes me feel it could be happening again. (Yep! That’s because it is!)
For example, the night you were out with Janice (current girlfriend who he was having an affair with at the point this letter was written, unknown to me!) and you didn’t text me to let me know you were going to be late, instead of just saying ‘Yes I should have sent a text but I didn’t think you had your phone switched on’, you said ‘Why would I send a text when my previous one had been ignored?’ You have since said that you appreciate you should have behaved differently (like not sleeping with her????!) but this initial anger and turning things on me makes me feel you are hiding things (THAT’S BECAUSE HE IS BB!!!!!!) Yes, I started saying what you thought were ‘mad’ things, like I didn’t hear you say ‘bye’ to Kev (the guy he claimed was also at her house having ‘coffee’, but wasn’t), but I didn’t, and given that I’d just found out that my husband was at a single woman’s house at 4.30am, I don’t think a little paranoia is unusual.(IT’S NOT PARANOIA – HE’S SLEEPING WITH HER!!!!) But again, you had a go at me about asking questions. I will not be manipulated (OOOH – the mouse is starting to roar!) and that to me is manipulation. If you don’t agree then maybe we need to look at going our separate ways because that is the main thing I struggle with (well, that and your sex lines, porn and prostitutes) and the thing that makes me feel we are on opposite sides. Please don’t feel that that’s a threat because it’s not, it’s just how I feel and we’ve said we need to be honest with each other (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HONEST? he doesn’t know what that means!)
I’m not sure you’re admitting to yourself how much trust you need or what you want from life (like prostitutes on tap!) It’s not just me who may be happier after a trial separation.Oh how I cringe! He had me exactly where he wanted me. Thinking I was paranoid, playing his little mind games. I’m genuinely mortified about how pathetic I was, but at the same time, when you’re actually in the situation it’s so hard to see it. Also, I think it’s so hard to believe that someone who is supposed to love you would be manipulating you like that – so you convince yourself you must have it wrong.
Anyway, I’m so glad to be out of it now, but just thought you might find the letter interesting.
Bb
xBB, you said
“Also, I think it’s so hard to believe that someone who is supposed to love you would be manipulating you like that – so you convince yourself you must have it wrong.”Ugh this is where we all struggle. But we “beleive” that they love us, so they would not do that to us. Ugh. We were so wrong, we were all so wrong. Thats the worst.
I need a new man. How did you meet yours??
Bb,
You’ve come a long way since you wrote this letter. Aren’t you glad you are not still in the same place. You can see right through him now and that’s 90% of it…the other 10% is getting the hell out, which you did. Good for you!!!Wow, BB, thank you for having the courage to post this. It’s an eye-opener, and also another validation that we are not alone in this. I really thought at times I was the only one who wrote such letters and felt so pathetic. The scary thing is, I’m not at the place you are yet. The ending of my story is yet to be told, and I just hope I’m smart enough to see if things are going astray, if I’m being manipulated still, etc.
I’m so happy for you–you’ve come out on the other side. Don’t feel bad–you should feel so proud!! xoxo ZGI’m out, and see how pathetic and manipulative he was, but still feeling sad for my “loss.” What things have helped people get over this? I still get twinges of missing when things were “good” even though it never lasted and i always worried about when the other shoe would drop.
Hi helaine21,
Flora gave me some great tips and information to help me. Like you, I was starting to feel badly about the rare good here and there moments my XSAH and I shared. Mine too was very inconsistent (and they do that on purpose) and would throw me a nice crumb once in a while that I would latch on like a bee on honey. Flora told me to only focus on what I have and not what I don’t have. She also told me to make a list of positives in myself and my life and write them down and post them where I would see daily. Also to do at least one thing from the 4 enrichments each day, because so often life and living with a SA gets us off balance (understatement) and by doing something in the 4 enrichments helps to balance us again. Also to walk everyday even if its just a short walk….so Ive been doing that too. Flora has great information, maybe you could post some tips for everyone Flora. It helped me so much, I hope this will help you helaine.
love, napxxooOk Nap, I’m dumb!!!
What are the 4 enrichments? I’ve started walking each day (because I’m dog sitting) and it really does get your mood up. I’m struggling with my depression at the moment and just having to get out the house and exercise is keeping me going. Good old Max! He’s lying fast asleep on the rug at the moment with his floppy spaniel ears over his eyes!!! So cute!
Bb
xI would like to hear more about the four enrichments right now too. I need some enriching, things are not going so great right now.
lindyHi All, These are the emails I wrote for NAP with some edits. Maybe a little choppy, but it gets the points and ideas across. These ideas are from several different authors stating the same things. So when I say “they” it’s the words and ideas of several different authors. I personally have used this stuff in my life and have made a huge difference.
They say the happiest people in the world are those that are grateful for what they have. So rather than going through your day thinking of what you don’t have; think about what you do have. Everyday. Bad thoughts come in, kick it the the curb, replace it with….I have beautiful daughters, pets and a new home (insert your positives). Look at the pretty flowers, listen to the birds, and take your dogs for a walk.
I was reading a book where the author went to a college class. The professor gave them the assignment to be grateful for what they had and to not complain and think about what they don’t have for twenty four hours. The class came back and they felt better the next day with a more positive outlook. They also had to keep track of how many times they had negative thought versus positive thoughts, and the negative far outweighed the positive. (I think only one student was 100% successful). I have read that we spend many many hours of the day and thoughts on the day on the negative versus what we have positive.
Self defeating talk in our minds also needs to go. It serves no purpose, but to bring you down. After my first divorce I was so guilty of this. I also kept replaying all the bad in my head over and over; it was not pretty. But basically this is all in our minds. We just have to choose to not engage in those self defeating behaviors anymore.
They say that you should post on a wall or board, somewhere where you will see it every day, the positives in your life. I had the thought of using a chalkboard and you could edit and change as you please. They call it gratuity. There are gratuity journals, you are more journalistic than I you may like it (however I never have time to fill mine out). There is a really neat (and cute) journal called Gratitude a Journal, by Catherine Price. This you cannot get at the library because it is a journal. But it has daily prompts and it is really fun and cute looking. I also suggest any books on happiness and being happy you can find. I also like Mathew Kelly’s books; he has a book called the rhythm of life and another called perfectly yourself, nine levels of enduring happiness. He is great for helping you when lost, he is very driven and most everything he says is great. Actually his book had the classroom example in it. He has so much passion in what he writes, and it just lifts me up. I absorb every word he says. This guy has it together. I wonder if he is single?? I wish….Anyway. (P.S. this guy also does some books on corporate management, don’t be thrown by his catholiscm books, he keeps everything very separate, his books are not churchy).
Also Again physical exercise is priceless, do so as much as you can! Walk walk walk, (or whatever your choice) etc. Hit the four levels of enrichment. Educational, spiritual, physical and emotional. They say if one category is off, you will often feel lost. So always try to hit these key points a day/week (whatever you can manage at the start). Educational can be reading, spiritual can be whatever that be, physical go for a walk, emotional kids, family, friendships you have this site, donate your time, volunteer. I think often with addicts we neglect ourselves in some ways to compensate. We need to try to bring these things back to a balanced life. I truly think that is what focus on yourself should mean, however no one ever says that. Exercise can also include yard work or any other thing where you are active.
Also I think they say focus on yourself because our personality types we tend to be the giver or the caregiver. We are selfless in a lot of ways. And I think it’s just our personality type..Plain and simple—not co-dependency. So focusing on ourselves may seem selfish, but I would imagine what we feel is selfish, is most people’s norm.
I was totally out of wack. But after this amount of time, I am feeling much better. I say if you cannot do any of the four all together, it is most important to start with the physical aspect; long walk once a week or 10 minutes a day, whatever you can squeeze in. Park farther from the store or work…etc. Because once you start regular exercise you will start to feel better. Your mind clears and your thoughts are clearer when you exercise (mine are…anyway). It’s best if you can be outside, but indoors is better than nothing. Sometimes in the winter I walk around my house (up and down the hallway and a loop in the living room) my house is small. When I stayed at the hotel a couple weeks ago I walked a few times around the hotel, just to wake up after that long day in class.
I don’t think that it’s just us people with addicts that neglect areas of our lives. Some of us, me, never learned this or were told this. It has really made a change in my life for me. I now feel very good. When you feel empty we tend to get stuck in relationships that are less than rewarding because we think the relationship helps us to feel whole and wanted and needed. But it does not work; in the end we are still empty. I am beginning to feel whole, no need for a relationship or upset by the fact that I am not in a relationship. So it is very important that we feel whole and fulfilled on our own lives. The coupleship, if together with your spouse is its own entity; and requires the same nurturing as our person, but is separate.
–I hope this helps. But is is really just so basic, but I would never have thought of these things by myself. With kids and work our time is limited. Babysteps. Start out little and do the best you can to work things in. Love,
FloraThank you so much Flora for taking the time to share all of that very valuable information. It all makes sense! And the change in YOU and your attitude, self fulfillment, and self awareness just shows that, well, the proof is in the pudding!!
Thanks so much Flora for doing the summary…so helpful. The four enrichments are: education, spirituality, emotional, and physical. love, napxxoo
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