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This is to let everyone know that Lexie has decided to leave the Sisterhood. Although I know that everyone will miss her we must respect her choices and wish her well.
Here is a small portion of what she wrote:
JoAnn,
I’m sorry, but speaking about boundaries, this isn’t for me. Thank you for everything that you’ve done for me.
However, my time has come to say good-bye.
Please cancel my recurring membership and say good-bye to everyone, for me.
I don’t want anyone to try to convince me to stay or maybe they’ll be happy to see me go.
I’m sure that some will be.
I cannot sit here and listen to women go on and on about men who are so phenomenally ill and obviously unrecoverable.
I wish you nothing but the best and I will always be eternally grateful for the opportunity to express myself and to learn so, so much and to grow. And I will certainly always be here as your friend, if you like, but right now, I need to go.
I’m becoming ever more bitter and angry…and that is not who I want to be.
Please be well.
Love,
Laurel
HI Lexie,
I can’t think of much worse than you becoming bitter and angry, Lexie. But I understand how that happens. Maybe some time away will allow you build up your strength again. If you are an “empath”, it is a very hard thing not to attach to the energy that comes with some of our stories here, and try to wrestle it to the ground, when it won’t be wrestled.I believe there will be a time when we have good information and research that will help us all to understand our situations, our real options, and our decisions, in ways we don’t now. Living together through these knowledge “gaps” is very tough sometimes. Living together in a way that accepts other’s decisions is also very tough. Luckily for me, the raw nerve is less about the SA men and more about the therapists and treatment models, so when I go crazy and think my head will blow up, its not so much about someone’s beloved SA as it is about the “professionals” involved.
You know I love you Lexie. Remember back on MTASA, I wished I could come a sit on your porch with you. That is still true. I hope we will find a way to hold you in this time when you are truly “spent” and keep our relationship alive.
I am very very grateful in my own life, to know Lorraine/Lexie/Laurel.
with much love,
Diane.Miss you on here Lexie, you’re a gem in many ways. You have many sparkling facets and I cannot even begin to tell you how much you helped me. I hope someday you will return because you give so much. That is rare these days. I respect your choice and will miss you!
Love, NapI will miss your heartfelt and realistic posts, Laurel. You’ve helped me come so far in my journey. I understand where you are coming from though. You will be missed more than you know.
Love Julie
You know, I understand why she left. It makes me sad for her, as she faces the greatest fear, the possibility that her son is struggling with all of this. Like Julie (Zumbagirl) I very much understand where she is coming from. It makes me really sad to think that women leave this group for these reasons. For those of you who want to hold on to the relationship, women who leave, say “enough” to SA, seem to threaten the stance you have taken. It has been a year since I started the formal process of ending my marriage to a SA. It was the hardest year of my life. I never expected that I would ever take antidepressants. I was the strong one when my mom died when I was 19. I was strong all through a very difficult childhood. And other really awful challenges. However, facing the fact that the man I truly loved and trusted was a sex addict and a narcissist who watched me hurt for years as he continued his addiction, to the point of using a suicide attempt to hold onto a family structure that was feeding him but destroying me and his two beautiful children . . . I had to end it to save me and my kids.
He was not a horrible mean man. He is a sex addict. The addiction and the abuse that caused the man to become addicted scars and changes a man. My husband had a good heart. He still loves his children, but may not be capable of putting them before him. He is an addict that continues to unravel.
I left to save me and them. He needs to save himself, with the help of God and God’s grace.
Anyway, I understand Lexie leaving. I almost left this week, but decided instead to be a more silent member.
For those of you deciding to stay in your relationships, be slower to assume that we are bitter and angry and just married to mean and awful men. Three or five or more years down the road, as your disappointments pile up, you may understand where we have been coming from.
I’m truly sorry Lexie no longer has a safe web place to escape to as the awfulness of this next phase unfolds.
Sunny, that was so heartfelt, and I can hear your pain as I struggle between the worlds of staying and going. My plan is to go, but I can’t say “I’ve gone” until it actually happens. Either way, it’s heartbreaking.
xoxo Julie
I guess I must have missed a posting?? Lexie leaving is due to her son being an sa? I guess I did not understand the boundaries comment. I thought she meant she is becoming mote bitter an angry when women post about their sa behaviors and how this affects her. That seeing women make the mistakes she made with her sa is frustrating to her and makes her feel ways in which she would rather not feel? I guess it makes it even harder with her son’s recent disclosure?
Sunny,
“For those of you deciding to stay in your relationships, be slower to assume that we are bitter and angry and just married to mean and awful men. Three or five or more years down the road, as your disappointments pile up, you may understand where we have been coming from.”Ouch, that hurt. Did I misunderstand? I thought we are all here for the same reasons, hurt and betrayal by someone we love.
I think we are here for different and individual reasons, to assume otherwise is presumptuous and arrogant. Sunny, I agree and support your post 100 percent. Thank you for posting it. You have my respect.
Love, Nap
Lexie,
Don’t know if you will even see this, or if you are already gone, but you will be missed!!!! I have learned so much from you and I will miss your spicey, snappy and heart felt words of wisdom.
I sure would love to stay in contact with you, but respect your decision to leave. We are all here to offer support but that would not happen unless we were first looking to find support. You have offered me so much support and am sorry that you did not feel that back. I will think of you and pray that you find peace in your life with all that you are going through.I enjoyed you triple L!!!!!!
Love, Cindy
We are here for the same reasons–“hurt and betrayal by someone we love.”
It’s just that we are raw in so many places all at once. We want to heal and then the healers hurt us too. We are willing to commit and then our husband’s lie again. We are struggling to be good mothers and not wreck our children, and the legal system sends them to watch porn with daddy. We try and advocate for the reality of our experience and therapies that address our pain, and we are patronized by experts. We are honest with family and they treat us like we’re the problem. We pour out our pain in rants and are terrified our sisters will think we are just too angry and too bitter. We aren’t ready to give up on our relationships and aren’t sure if our sisters really want us to succeed or not. We worry that we might end up back here again when it blows up and we don’t know what to do. We aren’t strong enough to leave. We aren’t strong enough to stay. We are wounded so deep we don’t know why we didn’t die from it and maybe we did. We are afraid to say we think about ending it all and that our children needing us to stay alive is often the only reason we do. We hate God. We lose faith. We find God. God finds us. We wish we could be numbed by the religious prattle that seems to mollify others. We know that if God isn’t up to all of these things we think and feel that God isn’t God enough after all. We cry until there is nothing left in us and then we cry again from a well that has no bottom. We plead for the men we loved and search day and night for them. Even when we leave them we still cry because it’s just so terribly terribly sad. And then someone tells me that somewhere, somehow, I did know. And I just think I’m done.
I’ve had a really hard day today for many reasons. I know some others did too. Tomorrow it might be better for me and worse for someone else. Staying or leaving–it’s all really hard.
I’m so sorry for all of us.
looking for the Light.
D.Diane, tears are running down my face. Out of your sorrow and bad day comes a beautiful post that sums it all up. I had really hard night last night which I’m too exhausted to post about now, but I promise I will. You seem so strong to me, and sometimes I forget your pain. Thank you, though, for these words that make me feel like I’m not alone. Maybe it will help your day to know you’ve helped me.
Love always,
JulieDiane,
Tears are on my face too. You know the pain all too well and yet you offer words of healing, thank you.Can anyone enlighten me privately what has happened to Lexie? I thought I knew from her email to me but after reading this post I am wondering if I missed something?
Karen xxThis is a confusing post. I think there’s more to it than just the fact that Lexie has departed.
Whatever it is, let me just say, I don’t think anyone of us sisters has intended to hurt another sister with her words. It sure sounds like someone has taken offense to something someone else has said. Please bear in mind that words written lack emotion. It’s very possible that there has been some kind of misunderstanding here.
This site is here to be a place where we can ask for help, or just share our stories and hope that someone else can relate. A nice quiet place where we know we are safe and we are not alone in this terrible experience. To be able to freely express our anger, disappointments, progress and happy moments too. All of this without the fear of someone being judgmental of us.
Whatever has happened and I truly don’t get what it was, can we just sometimes agree to disagree without insulting one another?
I pray that Lexie will have second thoughts and come back to the Sisterhood.
Claire
Diane, you captured this awful experience, the pain of it, exactly. I am so sorry. Time and distance from the trauma does help. It will get better.
Zumbagirl and NAP, thank you. I appreciate your kind words. They really helped so much.
I will be hoping that tomorrow will be better for each of you.
Dear Sunny,
I am not sure what is happening here and possibly that is because it doesn’t involve me or is none of my business? I sure don’t want Lexie to leave…I cannot imagine SOS without her. I have messaged her to say that, but I don’t know if she will get it. I just want to say to you….whatever has happened please don’t leave as well? Despite the fact that we all sometimes irritate each other or put our foot in in or express opinions too forcefully (usually me :)), or have different viewpoints…whatever? It ALWAYS leaves a gaping emotional hole when a member leaves for any reason other than they don’t check in as much because they are feeling better? People take breaks when they need to or become quiet when they need to or are direct when they need to….BUT it sure hurts when people leave. So just want to say…I second what Claire said…I hope Lexie is back soon and I hope you are not going anywhere. Karen xx
PS Huge hugs to you Diane
Diane you should write a book. You put things so perfectly into words that grab peoples hearts. I am honored to know you. I agree with z, you make my day brighter.
We are all in the same place, we are a group of women who hold on tightly to the ones we find dear, so much so that when someone leaves our sisterhood we feel such a loss.
I have been up for hours, not like me at all. I up’ed my anti yesterday, maybe thats it. I am soooo pissed at my life right now.
Not one of us here is really any different than the other. Stay or go, we all have a plate of our husbands shit in front of us and as soon as we gag it down, he takes another dump on it. The only difference is some of us figured out a way to season it so it’s not so vile. The rest of us are still looking for that recipe. Those who have figured out boundaries, only have to eat it occasionally. Those who have left miss everything, except the shit eating.
I don’t judge people here. (except that lady who was trying to sell us her intensives). We are all the same, and different.
I appreciate being able to unload the most personal information in my entire life. I value you women more than you realize. It would take years of therapy to cover the same ground we cover here. We are blessed to have each other. I hope one day to graduate to the point where I can give advice and not feel so needy.
I am going to start my diet today!! I think I know how I gained that extra 20 lbs!
lots of love
HeidiThank you, thank you Diane. You put into words what I have been trying to articulate for a very long time. Bless you beautiful friend.
Hugs,
AmyI’m so glad my post helped to frame some common thoughts and feelings. And yes, I want to write several books! Thank for the encouragement. It is timely.
Just to clarify, it was not to address a specific issue with a specific sister, but to capture some of the dynamics of living with our SA experiences, trying to get help, being a part of the sisterhood, growing and learning, being vulnerable and hurt, and reaching a limit every now and then. I think it was that kind of thing. Perhaps a few other things, too. In the thread I felt we had reached one of those points and needed to dig ourselves out of the corner.
Let’s hope today is better.
D.xoI,too, am sorry to see Lexie leave! She added such passion and spice and humor- and God knows if nothing else- we need some humor when we are involved in the world of SA. I will be touch with Lexie outside of SOS, so if anyone wants to reach her, I will he happy to pass on any messages.
I think I understand why Lexie left…and the thought has even crossed my mind as well. In particular over the last week or two and based on some of the things said that were directed at the “stronger voices”. However, I have chosen to stay as I feel like I still have work to do on this site, healing to take place in my heart and soul, and love and wisdom to give back (pay forward) to my sisters in light of my personal experience.
I do want to say, though, something I have been trying to articulate for a while and haven’t been able to put it together and say it so you will understand what I mean. The problem is, some of you will not appreciate my opinion and I would ask that you just keep in mind- its ONLY my humble opinion. I think lexie “may” have shared some of these views as well and perhaps she got a little overwhelmed and decided that leaving was best before she started getting into pissing contests with fellow sisters.
In my heart of hearts, I am very skeptical about the recovering SA and their ability to REALLY and truly recover-ever. In fact, I don’t think most of them will- if ANY. I think Sunny was on to something when she said perhaps 5 years from now you will have enough disappointments pile up, that you, too, will be ready to leave. I think Lexie felt the same way. Yes, it’s biased and it’s not fair to stereotype all SA’s…but if you are me, and Sunny, and perhaps Lexie- then maybe that is OUR viewpoint. And I’m sure in Lexies case- it just breaks her heart to watch some of you suffer…. And die a little inside each time…and keep trying…. When she knows that in the end- after some additional wasted years- you, too, will finally see the light and get the hell out of this nightmare.
Yes, there may be a LITTLE hope for some of you and you know who you are! And I hope and pray that your SA’s do the hard work and truly recover and become a better man and husband and leave that dark side in the past. I hope you won’t have to constantly look over your shoulder (or his). I hope you don’t sell out for an island in the tropics or some acreage in the country….if it means living with an SA. We all have our reasons for doing what we do – staying OR leaving… But let’s not kid ourselves into believing that our SA’s are suddenly exhibiting saint like behavior and now everything is pie in the sky. Some people in your lives might buy it, but just remember, you can’t outfox a fox. I have the view point and mentality of once an SA, always an SA. In time, I believe that most of you will make the decision to FINALLY leave and I’m glad. I just wish it was sooner rather than later (after many wasted years!)
For the five percent who may truly recover- then kudos to them and to you, the partners, that stuck it out! Only YOU know if the progress you see is what you are looking for. I hope they stick with it, however, I don’t think they will. My goal is to be hanging around when you have finally said ENOUGH and help you pick up the pieces.
Happy New Year All! May 2012 be ALL you want it to be!!
Love,
SL
I havent been on in a while and am sad to hear that Lexie is leaving. I am one of those who at least for now is staying, but I have found all of her comments to be helpful, enlightening, food for thought, and most importantly delivered by someone who has worn these shoes…I will miss her.
SL–Are you saying that I have sold out for an island home?
I must say that I am offended by that insinuation.
Have all of you forgotten that I have more than enough of my own money to buy another home anywhere I want without Larry’s help?
Have you forgotten that Larry and I have been working on saving this relationship for over seven years?
Seven years!
He has and is doing the hard work of recovery. And my honest sharing of the ups and downs seems to have caused some of you to think I should leave.
Why?
Do you think that if you had a marriage without a SA that everything would be rosy all of the time? That you would never argue, be hurt, cry, consider leaving?
All relationships have their ups and downs. It takes hard work to make them work, and Larry and I have both done an awfully lot of hard work on this.
I have never said that Larry is exhibiting saint like behavior. I have never said he is cured. There is no pie in the sky. I have only tried to relate how it is if you decide to stay–and that includes the successes and the good things as well as the struggles and the pain.
I do not look over my shoulder and I do not worry about what ‘might’ happen.
I had dreamed of living on a warm island in Florida long before I met Larry. He is not ‘bribing’ me with this, it is a culmination of hard work and scrimping by both of us to save enough money to be able to do it together.
So, let’s take a vote.
Would the Sisters rather not hear my story any more? Does it offend, challenge or make you uncomfortable with your own choices? Does one little success threaten your decision to leave?
What is it?
Why am I getting these negative vibes?
What do you want from me?
wow i sometimes am afraid to say things or post them. in life i feel everything is a trade off. people make these every moment of life. like standing in the meat department chicken or beef. when i look at my decisions i have to know i made them for me. it can be so hard at times. and many times i dont, my kids, him, the house. yet its still is a my choice. i didnt choose for me but them still my choice. god only knows how many times the trade off could have been better with the other choice. the way see it when we read someones words its our personal choice to what we want.
i have gotten to a place inside me where i know longer blame his addiction its him, i dont give a damn how hard it is to stop,i no longer believe its out of his control. how could it be look at their options if they truly wanted to fix them selves they would. people over time have gone to the ends of the world to find their answers. so i will not take it anymore yes the pain, yes the hurt, trust me i know. i have carried it my entire life for one person or another. if we could take that pain out of it and look at what makes us different human then i dont believe any person would tolerate what we have. my truth is if we can not take care of ourselves no one else ever will. my mom says all the time you have your entire life ahead of you, that may be a day, a week or 20 years. if you dont live it you will never get it back. its nobody else’s life is it. they have theirs to do what they want. i will never get this time back i may not wake up tomorrow.
i have given this life ive been living over to him, i walked in my house yesterday and thought i will not live in his sickness, thats what i do i morn what he did to me, to us. i want him to get help. but truth is even if he gets better the past will not change its part of the trade off for me. if he gets better and i stay i will always know what he did, he took my choice away from me. so now i need to figure hoe i live this life i want
much love katt
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