Lexie – I love youl!!

thank you guys so much… I don’t know what i’m gonna do and i’ve been thinking this for the last 5 years which apparently is how long this email love affair has been going on…

so sweet

SS and I met on another woman’s blog! I found that woman’s blog on that dude who was writing about having sex with his wife and his paramours… and BTW, I did send her the url and my prayers.

I’m done. I’m tired… I want a better life. I want to travel and be able to go to the theater and buy some fucking clothes, and get a massage and buy presents for people, and just take a fucking vacation! I don’t even care if I have someone to love me, because I don’t have that now, anyway…

he just stood there, while i opened up email after email from his lovers… well, guess what?

they can all have him. yipppeeee!!!

then they too, can all be left on the side of the road like a blown out tire.

he told me: “I had no idea that i was like this.”

yeah… that’s what he said.

I went to lay down and was so exhausted from shaking for two hours that I almost feel asleep and then he came in. (I’ve since removed all of his yucky stinky pillows which he refuses to change— ewww… and threw them into the boys room along with our wedding photo that has been in our den for the last 20 years and ripped it to shreds in front of him)… Then, he wanted to go for a walk.

he doesn’t get it.

i have been BEGGING him to get help for YEARS!!!

i’m done

but i don’t know what to do… i don’t know how to leave.

how does one get a divorce?

i’m scared shitless, but i cannot go on the rest of my days like this… i can’t. i know that as bad as it might be, and as much as i might regret the move, in many ways, if i don’t go, there is no possibility for a better tomorrow.

at least this way, there is a chance.

love to all of you,

Lexie

Yes, this all happened today and I can hardly think straight, but I realized that I am never going to be enough and I don’t really love him anyway. He hasn’t given me a whole heckuvalot to work with. But, I’m still phenomenally hurt and mostly just very, very disappointed that I have begged him to get help and he refuses.

He will be 60 in October. This is it. He will just keep on a going… cause those psychotic bimbos will always be out there… wanting to give him cyber head… and no woman should have to live with someone who does that. that’s disgusting.

I tried making the “open marriage” work, and ended up with predator… and then i realized that i didn’t want to date and i was going to be okay with being room-mates, but I don’t want to eat a hole in my stomach every time i hear him typing… and going to make a copy of something for my work, and not being able TO TURN THE FUCKING THING ON… because its locked up tighter than Fort Knox.

And then its “Lexie… do this… press that… shut it down… force it off… the button on the right… the far right… no, not that button the one on the right! Did you get it?

no.

I see 300 buttons, which one is it?

Its the one that’s flashing…

okay that narrows it down to three… I’ll just push them all and see what happens…

This is what I’ve been reduced to.

and all it took to push me over the edge, was the effort it took me to copy a drawing I had made for a client.

i need all the help i can get. i’m worried about my children.

very worried.

and no, those two are not resilient.

i know that i must sound completely nutso… cause I am… and probably not making a whole lot of sense… but our messages crossed in the mail… thank you so much! ZG

Hi Lexie,
I want you to know I’m here for you in every way. If you’d like my phone number I’d be happy to send it to you private message. Lexie, all the love and advice you have given us give to yourself. You are so worth it. Youre a gem and so smart. With all the gifts you have you will make it.

There is no way to live happily with an active sex addict especially one you do not love. The compromises are too great and after a while we start to feel ‘dead’ inside. Life is too short to live untrue to yourself.

Thinking of you Lexie and I’m so sorry you are suffering right now.

Love you lots, Nap

Lexie,
Have you ever consulted with a lawyer?

Lexie,

I am so sickened by what you have experienced. You have proven to be such a support to so many people and I see you as a person with so much strength and wisdom.

Once again, I am blown away by how we find ourselves in this kind of circumstance. It makes me question my ability to determine what is real. How could I have let this happen? I was reading what Flora had written in another post about compensating. I believe that is exactly what we have been doing in living with a SA. Something is just always a little off so we compensate to make it work. We finally reach a level when we can no longer compensate. We come to a point where we have to take a good hard look at our situation. What leads each of us to that point differs upon individual circumstances. Eventually we understand that to continue on in this mode is at the expense of our soul. Various things have happened that have led you to this point and finding these emails is the proverbial rock that made the load to heavy.

Lexie, I understand your pain. There is so much frustration because you have been through so much that led to this end. To be at this point in your journey is excruciatingly painful and I want you to be gentle with yourself.

I know the fear that you are having with what all of this will mean and what steps do you take next? What will this do the children and what does this mean for my future. These things swirl around your brain on top of the exhaustion and pain from what you have already been through. It is alot to handle, but we are strong women. We WILL get through this. One step at a time. One thing at a time.

We are here for you.