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If you would like to share, please describe from your perspective, what life is like with a SA. Thanks for sharing!
Well, once I knew he was a sex addict…
My SA became involved with 12 step, and he loved to wave his “secret” club at me. He used it to make himself sound “important”—man, how pathetic is that? He could know, but I couldn’t know, therefore he had one up on me. So his delusions of self-importance grew more obvious. He treated me with disdain, ignored my feelings, and continued to lie to me. Narcissist stuff there. I spent a lot of energy trying to have conversations that might help us, but he just wasn’t even home. And he spouted the stupidest stuff I’d ever heard which of course came from the program and the therapist. He actually became worse than before. And incredibly unattractive. He was like a shell. Exposed. The Emperor had no clothes. Very sad, but also irritating because he still thought he was the best dressed person in the room.
I think the overall sense is that I realized he was a bit crazy and I was on my own.
Thanks for sharing Diane.
My life with my SA was like a rollercoaster ride which never ended. Up, down, and all around. Many times I was even blind folded. Everyday he seemed like a different person and his moods shift like the wind, frequently, and even many times in a given day. He had a core rage which would pop out quite dramatically if you ever ask him something too personal or something he didn’t want to talk about. Fun (not).
I often felt lonely my marriage. I was often ignore especially during events like company parties. He would ditch me, leave me alone, and find all the cute young things to talk to. I finally quit going to them, too painful.
I never felt any consistency from him. He talked out of both sides of his mouth. He often left me more confused if I tried to discuss something with him. It was like I was coinstantly trying to connect with him. It was like trying to grab smoke, it just wasn’t possible.
He witheld from me sexually for years. That was so painful to endure because I felt rejected as a woman and never had this before in a relationship.
We have been apart 8 months and will never return to the madness, the pain, the struggles, the guessing, the total disregard for someone they are suppose to love and cherish til death do us part. What a joke.
Much Love, Nap
I’d say it’s like a Twilight Zone episode. They have an alternate reality in their head and when it comes to light in our world, it’s like a black hole that sucks the life out of everything.
Dear NAP
I really relate to your description of life with SA. It really is a wild ride, and yes, we are on it blind folded at times. It is a very very difficult and painful life. For me with blurbs of easy coasting, that trick me into thinking — I am on the kiddie land coaster. The eagle has landed, and all will be easier now. then we turn a corner, and I am on the wild ride again. I wish I could say I am a thrill seeker– I am not. Living with SA is like bunjee jumping without a safety net. better have your gear on if you want to survive.
Feefee, what a great question. It really stopped me. IS there anything positive? Why do we stay? Are we so desperate, so afraid of being alone, so accustomed to being treated like shit…Or is it really just impossible to believe we could have been this wrong about someone, that the man who raised our children, slept in the same bed with us every night, could be an unredeemable monster? I think that’s it. We cannot wrap our brains around that, because it is so incredibly far from our own reality, values, world-view. The things that are good about life with my SA: We love to go mountain biking together and always have a great time. We both love Danish Modern and string art. He is one of the funniest people I know. There are times when he is so generous and thoughtful with my children from my first marriage (he raised them; they’re all over 18 now)–making sure one gets new brakes or tires, putting money in my son’s account while he’s away at school, buying tickets for a concert he knows they’ll like–that I must rule out sociopath from the list of possibilities. I like our LIFE or what I thought it was: the big rickety house, the madness of 4 dogs, 4 unique and awesome kids, great vacations to the Gulf Coast, Costa Rica, Disney. Here’s the link to my blog and the life I thought I had. Three years ago, I all but stopped posting. Once I discovered my life was a lie. But from 2006 until the end of 2008, I was happy. I was clueless. http://www.thestonescolossaldream.blogspot.com
Sigh, March….that is so sad. 🙁
I’m sorry he blew your dreams apart. That’s what they do. One little step at a time….and make you feel like you are crazy in the process…..
Take care of YOU! XO!!Hi feefee, when I first came on this site I would sign off and jump away from the computer like it was poisonous. I wanted to hear that it is possible to fix this. I wanted a magic solution to give me the life back that I thought I had. It is hard to see so many women be heartbroken. We all want hope. There are glimmers of it here and there on this site ~ but the glimmers are from the women and their strength, not the sa’s. I would love to meet an sa who really conquered this. a normal guy, not one selling intensives.
But you will always get complete honesty here. Everyone is at a different place in this journey. Go back and read the stories. You know this site has grown so much, maybe JoAnn should have a stage 1,2, and 3 section. where you can pop around and give advice but the new people wont be so overwhelmed.
Here is my positive spin on this. My husbands personality is what got him so successful in his work, school, social life. His personality is a huge part of that. He felt cheating was his “reward” for working so hard. He always felt he deserved it. He is a very happy narcissist. He is a lover not a fighter. Maybe I should just leave him alone, continue on his corporate climb, being who he is. Maybe we can still co parent with out nastiness.
All I know is I will never be able to change him.peace and hugs
HeidiHi fee fee,
There were many positives to my h. He was funny, he could fix anything in a snap, he was great at gardening which we enjoyed together, he had really good taste and it wasn’t expensive, he earned a good living, was great with the kids, helped with homework, when we had sex he was a wonderful lover.What’s hard is the same man I described above had sec with prostitutes, had 20 Internet profiles to hunt his prey ( including 18 year olds, was a constant visitor to massage parlors and loved to flirt with the wan at his work. He even was fired from a job once for having an affair with a subordinate co worker.
After D day my h was told by a sex therapist he needed to go away to treatment for 2 months to just get sober. He asked for the time off, his boss approved, told me and my daughter he’d be gone for 2 months. Them he never left. He never went. He decided on his own he would join her once per week meeting and get a sponger. After about 3 months he started to skip meetings and met woman for sex. I thought he was at his meeting until his sponger left a message “Where have you been”. I confronted him, he acted sorry, then 2 wks later I was thrown out of my home with 3 plastic bags, locks changed in front of me, I was terrified and traumatized. I lived in a hotel. The first week I was there he served me divorce papers. I lived in the hotel for 5 months and my great lawyer got money released so I could buy a home.
All I did for 25 years was truly love this man withy heart and soul. He just threw me away like Tuesdays trash. I’m so much better off and I really don’t know him. I guess I never did.
Love, Nap
H fee-fee,
I felt really sad to read your question, and understand why you would ask it. I loved my husband with every inch of my being. We were not wealthy or anything, but we were something else, and I was ready to be that with him until the last breath.
So I guess what happened in my experience with discovery and recovery, was the terrible realization that it was all fake—real to me, but fake to him. He was duplicitous, a con man. So everything that I cherished with him had a question of “what is real?” or “what is part of the con?”.So, is there any positive to say about staying with an SA? I can say that it was very important to me to not end the relationship immediately. I had to give him and me the opportunity to look for a way to continue in marriage together, but a different kind of marriage—a real one. I tried very hard. The forgiveness of the acting out wasn’t impossible for me. It was the resilience of his arrogance and his resistance to having my feelings or experiences change anything about what he would or woudn’t do, that ultimately killed my positive energy for reconciliation.
Staying with your SA may provide financial stability, practical help around the house and with the heavy job of parenting, some company now and then for you, the comfort of shared history with someone who knows where all the jokes are, etc.
But I think wisdom of the women I’ve learned from is that the intimacy and trust is gone forever. Depending on your situation and the kind of SA patterns yours favours, this description could maybe improve slightly, but it could also slide badly in the other direction.I am, however, extremely hopeful. The hope I talk about is within you. I am convinced that the woman’s first instinct to find hope for the marriage often leads her away from the hope that will sustain her with or without the marriage. There is a powerful hope within our own lives for our own lives. It is a hope that can honour our love for our children and include them. It is a hope than can prepare us for the life that we COULD have if our SA’s will deal with their addiction and the accompanying disorders etc that become apparent. There is no hope for the marriage you had, however. Because lying infected almost everything about it. You can’t go back to what you thought you had, because it was never really there. We can only move forward to something else that we might build with an SA in recovery and treatment, with a commitment to actually honour you and your relationship with him.
Being positive has mostly a practical needs element. Being hopeful means seeing things as they really were, as they really are, and as they really can be. And that starts with our own lives and builds outward.
Thank you fee-fee for the courage to ask a really hard question, but a really really important one. This is just my take on it, and if it gives you something new to consider, that’s great. If you hate it, just let it go and know you can come back to it if you change your minds.
Light and love for each day,
Diane.My dearest NAP,
thank you for telling your story.
I will never ever forget that day he threw you out. I will never ever forget walking by my open computer and seeing your message there for me. I will never ever forget the panic that rose inside me for you, a complete stranger, and the terrible isolation and trauma you were living through. I will never every forget trying to wrack my brains to think of who might be able to help you with immediate needs. You were in a different country than me and I wasn’t sure how things worked. I didn’t know if you were poor, or educated, or employed, or crazy. I felt so clumsy at it all. But we talked that day until I had to go to work, and you were the one that made me know I had to stick around this site. I had to keep reaching out no matter how people reacted to what I wrote.
Thank you NAP, for reaching out to me, first.xoxo
This poem is by A. E. Stallings.
Fragment
The glass does not break because it is glass,
Said the philosopher. The glass could stay
Unbroken forever, shoved back in a dark closet,
Slowly weeping itself, a colorless liquid.
The glass breaks because somebody drops it
From a height — a grip stunned open by bad news
Or laughter. A giddy sweep of grand gesture
Or fluttering nerves might knock it off the table —
Or perhaps wine emptied from it, into the blood,
Has numbed the fingers. It breaks because it falls
Into the arms of the earth — that grave attraction.
It breaks because it meets the floor’s surface,
Which is solid and does not give. It breaks because
It is dropped, and falls hard, because it hits
Bottom, and because nobody catches it.What is positive, at this point?
My realization that, though the man I thought I married was a mirage, figment of my H’s imagination built around all the things that had been successful with other women, I WAS NOT! That wonderful, fun, flirty, adventerous, engergitic relationship took two people to make. I was all that, and still am. I realize that, even though he was not committed, at all, ever, to our relationship, I was. I was one unshakable friend, fierce lover, devoted mom, who built a pretty great life with someone who (I now realize) was not even really all there. Honestly, he was getting a free ride on my love of life. His ticket has expired. But, I still have all that, and knowing that is pretty amazing.
Whatever happens it the next year as I finish my degree, his black soul will never put out my light. We may come through it as a couple, I really doubt it but I know I’ll come through it as a woman.
Great poem, March,
This thread seems to have hit a lot of nerves. I’m just having a good cry about everything today. I hope everyone is all right, and that we will keep going until the last one of us finds her truth, and steps into the great light of her own life, for everything that lies ahead with or without her SA.
xoDFeefee, at this point I don’t know the answer to your question. What’s happened for me is that now I don’t even trust the glimpses that I thought I was getting of ‘the real him.’ I did, for a while, but as I’ve learned more and more things that he was looking into my eyes and lying to me about, I just don’t know where the truth lies anymore. Maybe I’ve lost my mind, but I still think that somewhere in there is a good man. But my own mood swings are so weird..I go from crying with pity over him to wanting to hurt him. I no longer know myself at all. Who is this stranger who bitterly told him that I took a scissors to his Christmas stocking? How can this be the same person who never wanted him to feel pain? The same person who’s been told she’s way too soft-hearted for her own good? Now I not only wonder who he is, but who I am.
Heidi,
I think you are right that I somehow need to break up the site so that newbies don’t get lost. Just like the married site, this one has grown way beyond my expectations.
Damn, just when I though I was getting a handle on everything, dreaming of designing new and interesting, interactive tools; I now realize that it has grown beyond it’s boundaries. As our wise goddess, Diane, once said to me, it’s like a room full of St. Bernard puppies. Cute as hell but difficult to control.
I’ll think on how to break up all the information into manageable bits.
This WILL NOT be easy! I need wine!
Fee fee, lovely, you know my side of our story and I know yours. A positive for you – A and I spent a good day together with Sam for his 6th birthday. It was gentle and easy and actually very pleasant. Do I trust it enough forever? Not yet. Still not sure if ever.
You are not naive. You know this has changed everything. You recognise it will take a different approach. Nor are you the type of woman who will take any crap. I believe you’ll find the best for you xSorry NAP, I didn’t mean to hijack your original question.
I am one of the ‘lucky’ ones who is still with a SA. I discovered Larry’s Sex Addiction over seven years ago and we were separated (by over 2,000 miles) for 3 1/2 years. He has stopped acting out–but that is just the beginning.
Here is how my life has been lately.
Last week we went to my son’s for Thanksgiving.
It was such a wonderful, renewing experience. The grandchildren all played piano for me, we sang and laughed, took long walks together, played board games and played wii. We cooked, ate, drank some wine, went shopping for a new van, watched the small town Christmas parade, discussed the problems of the world and exchanged lots of hugs, kisses and words of love. My down time was spent with at least one, but usually more, of my grandchildren wrapped around me on the sofa.
I am blessed beyond expression with my family.
Oh, Larry had a good time too, watching football with the guys (my son and four grandsons) and seemed to fit in better than he ever has before.
When I am around my family it really hits home as to how normal they are (and how not so normal Larry is). Larry is really, really trying to get a grip on things, and has made huge efforts to do things around the house without my asking.
We finally had a joint appointment with his psychiatrist last week. He said that he doubts that Larry has ADD, but he did prescribe Adderall in a low dose to test the ADD diagnosis that was made by the psychologist. Larry took his first dose yesterday. If he does not get the jitters the Dr. will increase the dosage (after approval from Larry’s cardiologist) and see if it helps him to focus better.
If it turns out that it doesn’t work then I am facing the fact that Larry probably is showing signs of early dementia (which is what the psychiatrist thinks). God help me! He is still driving, and seems pretty normal but has huge memory lapses, especially with short term stuff. I refuse to drive anywhere with him–I do the driving when we go anywhere together as I just don’t trust his judgement.
I’m not sure what will become of our relationship. As I see it now we will stay together, his PD’s and compulsive behaviors are his issues except where they interfere with my life–and I have distanced myself from most of that now anyway, so we have settled in to a pretty easy going existence. He has had a lot of success in redirecting his casual time to doing the more ‘normal’ things like working around the house, reading, etc. He limits his time on the computer and the TV watching and he seems quite content. It’s not even a topic of discussion any more. I turned it all over to him and that is that. I do not feel deprived in any way with my life as it is now, I am spending more time talking with my kids and grand kids and doing things that make me happy.
The biggest issue rearing it’s ugly head right now is whether he has ADD or early dementia–or both. We should know that within a month or so. If it is ADD I’m sure the medication will help tremendously. If it is dementia then I have a lot of planning to do for our future.
Does it ever end?
No matter how you cut it life with a SA is not easy.
I think a lot of women often want their ‘old life’ back after discovery. But there never was that ‘old life’ as we knew it. It was all fake. Sex Addicts, or people with Personality Disorders, have learned to put on two faces. They manipulate, minimize, project, and blame everyone else for their problems. They put on a fake facade as a defense mechanism and usually do not even realize that they are doing it. What they show has nothing to do with who they really are.
It takes a lifetime of therapy to undo the lifetime of bad habits and defense mechanisms that they have learned. It is so complex that most counselors do not even have a clue about the thinking processes of these men.
Often we torture ourselves with dreams of everything going back to ‘normal’. It never was normal, and if we do manage to stay together everything will be different–it will be a new relationship–not a fixed up version of the old. If the SA gives up his compulsive behaviors then we will start to see his real personality (as he will no longer be medicating his problems with sex). And often what we see is a man that we cannot and could not ever love. As the layers peel off and the real personality starts to emerge the relationship may not be able to survive.
If it does, it will be completely different from anything we have ever known or can even imagine. It can work, in a very few instances, but we, as women, must not delude ourselves about what it was or what it can become. Some men can make the changes necessary, but most can not.
Life after discovery with a Sex Addict will challenge even the strongest of women. It is not easy. We will personally need years of therapy for ourselves, and even then it will be difficult.
Each of us must weigh the pros and cons and decide if it is all worth it.
Firstly ladies it is something quite extraordinary to have such a variety of responses; to know I’m not alone is what I needed to feel today. So thank you all.
JoAnn, such an inspirational lady; oddly enough your story has provided some peace for me. Your wonderful time with you family in particular and even the potential problems with Larry medical condition, as awful as it might be, sound so ‘normal’ (for want of a better description) and gives me hope.
Anniem, I identify with not being able to tell where the truth lies, and identify with being soft hearted. What is being soft hearted? Loving, trusting, non-judgemental, accepting people for who they are, what they’ve done? I truly hope you don’t see this as a character floor and embrace your marshmallow inners with love. I have always question who I am, but since I found out my 8 year relationship has been something other than I thought it was, I now I question who I will grow into. I think that is positive, I might not have got there without a push! I have to see it as a rewarded for having an SA as a partner.
Diane, I am sorry you are tearful today and I hope you are OK. I really like your sentiment, find the light with or without the SA. I do not think finding the light if you have chosen to leave your SA would be any easier. Like you I want to give my relationship a chance and I am willing to take the risk, I know I can’t change him, I haven’t even wanted to try, he has made that decision himself, will it continue? I don’t know but I do know w hat he is like and I believe he will do everything he can. Will that be enough? Again I don’t know, time will tell.
Lynng, I am sad you think his soul is black, but happy you have the conviction to be a shining star what ever comes.
NAP, wow, what courage and strength you must have to remain standing after such a horrible time. I often wonder who he is and if I will ever know him; maybe, maybe not, I haven’t worked that out yet.
Hadj608, I really like the honesty it provides some perspective that’s for sure, and as I have already said one thing I have no intention of doing is changing him, what a waste of effort attempting that would be.
March, I will have a read of your blog, thank you. Ahhhh yes clueless! I certainly know that one. How it makes you feel like a fool. I could never knowingly make a fool of someone I am supposed to love; I told him when I found out his lying was exceptional, quite extraordinary. Which brings me round the circle again to how do I know where the truth starts?
And what a rollercoaster ride it is, from numb to angry to sad to rage, I understand the English weather and the 4 seasons in a day. Something I know Jos1972 understands all to well x
Anyway I know it’s a long old thank you I have posted, I appreciate all of you and all your points of view.Diane,
Thank you so much for your post to me. I’ll never forget that day either and thank you for talking to me.
Love, NapFeeFee,
Asking if there is anything positive about living with a sex addict is like asking if there is anything positive about living with an alcoholic or anything positive about living with a cocaine addict? I think it’s a pretty universal, “no.”Now is their anything positive about living with my husband? He’s not JUST a sex addict. Absolutely or I wouldn’t be here. He’s a loving caring father. A generous and kind husband. A stable responsible provider. A compassionate ear and a friend.
There is nothing but heartache living with an addict who is acting out. All the good personality traits in the world cannot dilute the cesspool of pain and hurt that they have created. Their selfishness and lack of concern for the destruction of the marriage is like wearing concrete shoes. You will just keep slipping deeper into the stench.
However, if your H seriously works on recovery, it will mean addressing so many aspects of his character. It will be like rebuilding from the ground up. All those behaviors you tolerated can be addressed and put to rest. If he is in true recovery he will slowly become a better man, a better father, a better husband and friend then he ever has before.
Supporting your partner through something of this magnitude can create a bond stronger then you have ever imagined positive.
Maybe I sound like a dreamer however I’ve never been described that way!!! I’m a pretty grounded person. But I honestly believe that with a sober husband, my dream life and dream marriage will be in my grasp again one day. And I think it’ll be worth it.
Life with a SA is challenging. It’s educating. It’s frustrating. You take the good with the bad.
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