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What makes this all so unbearable is to see so clearly in here from everyone’s story that there is no hope. I just joined this group a week ago. I have had 10 years of turmoil with a man I can’t seem to escape. I did not, like many of you, have a relationship I believed was great, only to have a bomb dropped on me years later by discovering a dark secret. This has been ongoing almost from day one for me. Only it had progressed and gotten worse with each year. My discovery a couple months ago, was that it was worse than I had imagined, but it was always awful. I’m exhausted and very damaged.
I know that no HUMAN BEING can do this to another human being – these men must be monsters. Could you? If it is an addiction truly out of their control, but they were human… they would leave. The would free us of this life, let us go.
Instead they continue to torture and torment us with their promises of change.
I can understand making a mistake and asking forgiveness and then NEVER betraying that person again. But this? You might as well have killed me, because that is where I am now… dead inside – in that place between heaven and hell, Purgatory? Limbo?
I don’t know why it is so hard for us to ACCEPT that it is not us, not our fault, that they aren’t like us. They aren’t capable of empathy. I think it is because we HAVE so much empathy, that it is impossible to understand how someone could have so much contempt for another human being and the mother of their children.
Sometimes, even now, I allow myself to pretend that everything is okay, because my mind, my heart, my soul needs a break. And that is dangerous. Because even with the facts staring me in the face, I still allow myself to hold on to hope.
We feed them the words we need to hear. We tell them what to say to make it better for us. Then they say those words, and they are empty, meaningless and it only feels worse.
My SA is only 34 years old! I don’t imagine it gets better with time. I don’t imagine he is growing out of it. *insert sarcasm here*
Yet, I STILL allow myself to live in this place. LOST and out of touch with the rest of the world, I live here alone. Sure, I come out and visit the rest of the world each day, smile, function, nobody knows – and nobody could imagine it. It’s a lonely place.
I know there are women that would never tolerate the treatment we have been given. Not even one indiscretion. I wish I would have been one of those women, with pride and self respect when I met my SA. Had I been healthier, I would have left the first time, before children and never looked back. But now?
I begin EMDR today after work. I hope it is the beginning of recovery for me. One that I know has been a long time coming and will be a long road.
And yet, I still allow those thoughts of Happily Ever After creep in to my head. I can’t seem to push them out, I cannot accept that this is the man that I am with and the father of my children.
It is very difficult ( almost impossible) to let go. We were taught that monsters weren’t real. Our closets and under our bed was safe. There was no such thing as the boogeyman…etc
Well dear mom and dad, the boogeyman is alive and well. Thanks for checking my closet and looking under my bed for him but ,go figure, that is not where he lives. He lives in my bed, at my house and ( get ready this one is shocking) he walks around in broad daylight.
Kelly, just take it one day at a time and digest what you can. There truly are such things as monsters.
And that’s just it. Monsters don’t look like monsters. What’s with Pixar and all the horror movie makers? They look all American high flyers / English gentlemanly / fire fighting heros / soccer dads…
Fuck it!
There is hope, but it’s home is in you. That’s where it starts and how it leads you. In relationships, there is hope when both parties take responsibility for the hope that is in them. It is rare to find an SA who has that hope. And you can’t hope on their behalf for very long. They have to pick it up and work it just like you do. But they don’t seem to do that.
One day, once their are some REAL treatment programs that actually treat what’s going on with these men, it may be easier, but right now it’s pretty grim prospects.
Follow your own hope, honour it, and remember you can’t hope for someone else for very long. Eventually they have to take it and live into it, like you are.
Oh Kelly. It REALLY hurts. It has been said it is MUCH more difficult to get out of an abusive relationship than a normal relationship. And make no mistake…these charming devils are abusers? A decade of this…I’m surprised you are not suicidal. Just know that answer lies within you. There is a reason you think it is ok for that guy to treat you that way. You need to find that answer.
I’m sorry you are struggling so…. Hugs, KarenKelly,
We all understand and have been there too. I think you are being too hard on yourself though. Im pretty sure that if your husband was a total bastard 24/7 you would have left long ago too. But there is a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing going on, and they tend to present themselves as damaged and hurt and so when they ask for our understanding and forgiveness, we give it. Because that’s what we as wives and mothers do–forgive trespasses, care for wounds. And gradually we end up getting sucked in. At least for me, in the beginning it was obvious that HE was the one with the problem. But sadly, the longer I stayed, my own psyche and self esteem was torn down. Whats wrong with me? He loves me so much (so he says) but cant remain faithful…then the sex life goes down the tubes and you start to feel unattractive, rejected. We end up getting so torn down in the process that of course it is hard for us to leave. By the time we figure out who these men actually are (which in itself is a huge step–we always give them the benefit of the doubt and never go with our guts) we have already travelled so far down a road of pain and rejection that even our hope and faith in ourselves is damaged. But you can reclaim it!! And we are here to help you!
You are a beautiful woman and you have much to offer the world. Stop trusting him with the precious treasure that is YOU!Kelly you could not have said it more correctly. they are monsters and nowhere near human. Leaving them is so so hard but I am sure it will be well worth it in the end, and we will, I believe reclaim our space again in society. You lose friends in the process, you lose loved ones, because they get sick and tired of your same old story. But one day we will rise again, keep holding on xxx
Are you a Catholic girl, too, Kelly? With all of the guilt that goes with it? We should form a club, there are enough of us on here.
Who was it that compared them to a slot machine? Giving out just enough payout to keep you hooked while they slowly bleed you dry.
Kelly, I knew within the first year of my marriage that my STBX had lied to me about who he was. I caught him masturbating to porn a few feet from my sleeping newborn baby daughter, and I still remember the way it felt like the floor just vanished out from under me. I had been very clear before getting married about having a zero tolerance for porn bc my father was a SA, and he had responded that he had no problem with that, that he thought porn was disgusting, too.
I was in limbo, trying to make it work for 21 years, with discoveries here and there every few years and fake recoveries until it finally got so bad I threw him out.
So I can relate to your story.
It took my son being hurt (by finding naked photos of his dad and another woman) and finding proof that he was screwing other women (at orgies) for me to finally say “enough”.
I also know that you will be amazed how much better you will feel if you don’t have to interact with them. I have bounced back faster and feel so much better than I could ever have imagined. The PTSD is still difficult, but without the daily drama, second-guessing, walking on eggshells, and gaslighting, I feel much more like my old self than I have in years. I trust my instincts now, I know the truth, I can define myself again, I am no longer compromising my values…it was actually kind of a relief on Dday because I learned I wasn’t crazy.
I think it is really difficult to realize how toxic they are when you are still living with them. And how much difference just that one change can make. I’m not saying you should throw him out either temporarily or permanently. I’m just saying that your perception of yourself as damaged may be more because of your environment than anything inside of you.
I was “married” to someone who is wide as the ocean and shallow as a puddle. Too bad it too so long for me to really see that. The only time I ever saw any emotion out of him was when he was defending his porn obsession. So glad he is out of my life and is someone else’s problem now and he leaves me alone and doesn’t bother me. I am pretty much broke but at peace now and that is priceless.
Teri – Dr. Simon writes in his book about the slot machine pay-out. It is such an appropriate analogy for many of us – I think the technical term is “Intermittent Positive Reinforcement”.
Kelly – welcome to SOS. It seems you’re finding already how much of an education this site can be. Sadly, I’m in the camp that thinks there really is no hope for these guys and the only hope is to get as far away as possibe. It’s a process to get there but you’ve made an important step by joining here and jumping right in & posting. I would recommend reading “In Sheep’s Clothing” by Dr. Simon, go to Chump Lady’s web site and read her insightful articles, and keep on posting here. Limbo sucks but the only way out of that limbo is to move forward and you’re doing that by going to EMDR and educating yourself…focus on you and not on him. He’s the one with the problem, not you.
The lyrics in Rihanna’s song “Stay” just seem so fitting: “Funny you’re the broken one but I’m the only one who needed saving. ‘Cause when you never see the light it’s hard to know which one of us is caving.”
Thank you so much for your post! I am exactly where you are. My H is being extremely nice and doing everything for me (almost as if I am helpless sometimes). I wish he were his old true self (short tempered, moody and grouchy) – that would make it easier to divorce him because I truly feel he will do it again (he is most likely still doing it). I hate limbo! I wonder “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I leave?” I think that is because for some reason I do still love him some, but as time goes on with all of this I am living him less. My H has given me 2 cervical cancers and herpes. My D day was February of this year. I found the end of the year charge bank statement for a card I don’t have and found his many memberships to sex hook up places. If I go by my 2 cancers – my H has been up to this since we married 28 years ago. He did most of his stuff when he was supposed to be at work ad then would come home to his family. It is sick that they do this to us but won’t leave us and make it hard by playing these mind games of “I love you”, “I’m changed”, and my H even is trying to be more spiritual or at least appear to be to fool be most likely. I have told him I will stay if he will take polygraphs every 3 months. So far he has not agreed – saying that they only have a 70%-90% accuracy. What do ya’ll think about polygraphs? Any suggestions or advice on that?
You should read Dr Milton Magness’s new book. There is much about polygraphs in it. He even has a chapter where he interviews his examiner. It seems to me if the examiner knows his stuff then the accuracy is closer to 100%.
Kelly, I totally relate to what you are saying. I am still in my marriage, just found out about the pseudo-recovery of the last 7 years, and made the small step of having him sleep in the guest bedroom and use the guest bathroom. I am starting to tell others about him ( I protected him the first time around) and although I am scared and feeling myself wanting to move back into the fantasy of his redemption, I have this experience of deja vu that keeps reminding me that he said all of the things that he is saying before. I looked into polygraphs and considered doing that- and I am still toying with that as well as a post-nup contract. But truthfully, all those “sticks and carrots” won’t make me feel like I have a normal husband and won’t stop me from looking over my shoulder every time a nice body walks by. It’s not about you. My husband told me that none of the long-term prostitutes he hired to be “exclusively his” ever satisfied him- after a while they all got boring. None of it was ever enough. I use EMDR in my work- it can help. Let us know how you find it- whether it helps you and in what way.
Robin,
IMO if your h had truly changed he should be doing whatever you needed to feel comfortable with him.
Jo,
Bev started a post ITS NOT YOU. Ill find it and put it on top. Basically says BS it is exactly about me.
What in the hell is wrong with all of us??? I read my posts, others, and all I can think is why aren’t we working harder on ourselves. No healthy human being would ever consider staying in this situation. Kids, financial, whatever. Not only do we stay… we allow it to consume our lives while they go on living and happy. Polygraphs? Spyware? Cell phone monitoring, GPS tracking. I haven’t done polygraphs, I don’t have any interest, he could fool them. These guys lie the way we talk about what we had for breakfast. I’m so pissed off and tired of seeing so many women destroyed by these LOSERS, these little needy boys. It’s sickening.
Sorry! This is just my mood at the moment.
Jo, I was supposed to start EMDR yesterday, we are doing it at 6 tonight now. I ended up wasting my first session on discussing HIM again. So I will let you know. My goal with EMDR is to reprogram my negative thinking about myself. I was not “healthy” when I met my SA, I knew he was a “bad boy” and I was gonna change him lol. My hope is that this will help me learn to accept and love myself just as I am. I’ve never felt good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or been able to accept that someone could love me. Doesn’t matter how much I have achieved in my life – it’s never enough. I achieve one goal, then I look for the next. I have my work cut out for me. I know the way I see myself and feel about myself is not right. I know others don’t see what I see, yet I still can’t change the feelings. I know WHY I feel the way I do, from a very young age. I have more self awareness than I care to know. Now I need to stop being aware and start changing. I will give you a full report later tonight. I sure hope this helps. It’s my only hope of leaving this life I’ve created with this morally bankrupt ass.
A light bulb moment! You go, Kelly. It IS crazy what we go put ourselves through. You keep working on you, and there is no stopping you.
kelly, you are experiencing some profound epiphanies! keep going on this, each one is one step closer to regaining your power and sense of self. it’s so terrible the toll on us. you can do it!
my thoughts on polygraphs? polygraphs are for criminals and low lifes. who wants to be with someone if you need to go to such extreme measures to be sure they aren’t lying? really!
Kelly, your question- what the hell is wrong with us? – good question. I’m sure the answer is as different as each of us- our histories, our personalities, etc. I know I chose my husband because he seemed so safe, after having a father who cheated on my mother and left us struggling financially. One of the first things my husband said to me was that he was “True Bru.” That loyalty was what I so much needed. When I look back, I see all kinds of red flags that I should have examined closely (but who knows what to really look for at age 26?) but the main thing I didn’t examine was his tendency to be secretive with his family of origin. He didn’t want to tell his parents we were getting married! It took months before I convinced him to tell them. ( He thought they would make too big of a deal out of it, and he hated the spotlight. HA, coming from a man whose sexual fantasies are ALL ABOUT the spotlight). We all have our longings, and in some way, we thought and believed our partners would meet them. Probably why it is so devastating to discover that couldn’t be further from the truth. Why we stay? For me, I believed in redemption, in second chances. Now, I am facing whether I believe in a THIRD chance and that is keeping me awake half the night.
Robin, polygraphs can be questionable like everything else. There are experts that do them especially designed for sex addicts. Milton Magness ( I am not a huge fan,but….) has an absolute belief in them. Omar Minwalla uses them.
If I were even half way considering staying with any of these guys and seriously deciding to work on the marriage then a polygraph would be a MUST.
Your H is asking you to sacrifice and risk everything AGAIN. He should be willing to take a poly.
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