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I have been thinking a lot about how SA has transformed many of our lives. From the knowledge of disovery onward. To me it is like we passed through a curtain or veil, of lies and deceit for many years. And once outside, the world as we knew it, could never be the same. We could never go back to what was. And that is whether we stay or go. We as people, are permanantly changed.
Our metamorphasis, from stage to stage, I believe carries great beauty and truth. I am reflecting on what Diane said earlier. “God is with us on this path”. No matter how ugly. He is there. Forming, shaping, leading us to know Him better.
I hope for a closer walk with God. And less fear in my situation. Let the butterfly free….:)God or Goddess, or Sophia or Source of Life or Ground of Being or Universe or Holy One or Sacred Mystery, Great Spirit, …whatever…
Personally I find it really really helps to let go of traditional expressions for this, particularly if they are male. So test them, work with the names, the descriptions that open up life and sacred mystery.
Yes, my path is Christian discipleship, but I also know it’s loaded with landmines for women like us (I just know where more of them are). Find your path, invite your soul friend, and you will have holy companionship with you on it. IMO. I just don’t think the One who is with me every day is offended by what you need, and how you need it. If that were true, Jesus would never have come for me, in my own humanity.
love to all on many paths,
D.so, just as I say “go get your life” — go get your faith!
Life is a gift. Suffering is a gift if we use it to help others, otherwise it’s just suffering. Do small things with great love. If we can’t help everyone; then help just one. True poverty has nothing to do with money, it’s being alone, unwanted, and unloved.
~Mother Teresaemotional poverty….that is actually a very accurate definition of how a woman can be left feeling in one of these relationships.
The poorest of the poor, the severely mentally ill on the streets, the dying on the streets in the slums of India are abandoned by society and family.
If we do come into emotional poverty in our marriages to our SA ( which I was ) we can choose not to accept it. It’s not easy however it feels very good not to.
NAP and Karen,
I actually had the opposite thought about NAP’s Mother Theresa post. It made me think about how our SA’s do feel “alone, unwanted and unloved,” and will end up that way without a real recovery. Apart from my SA, I actually do not feel that way at all. That’s one thing I’m learning from this journey, and it’s powerful.
Diane: what you wrote was beautiful. I have a hard time with the God concept. I was raised Catholic, and it may be that I’m having a hard time with the Catholic and/or organized religion concept. I’ve been trying to sort through that for a few years now. Believing in SOMETHING is so powerful, and yet, I can’t bring myself to do it “just because.” Anyway, I don’t want to hijack this post from Pam’s original intent, which I love, but just wanted to post where I’m at, because writing always helps.xoxo Julie
IMHO you are TOO good Z Girl …BUT I admire you immensely for it. I use to be soft and trusting and sure the under dog would win. I often wish I still were.
Karen,
Not too good at all! Just coming to FINALLY realize that I am NOT defined by the love my SA has/doesn’t have for me. In fact, it’s in large part because of YOU ladies that I realize, F it! F HIM! I’m just starting to tell myself that, with or without him, I do NOT feel “alone, unwanted or unloved.” That doesn’t take the agony away, but for me, it’s a shift from how I feel about myself (as in defined by what my husband feels. OVER IT!).Zgirl,
You will never be alone, unwanted, and unloved. If nothing else, you have ME. 🙂
The sisters on this site can certainly see your value and preciousness in all that you say and do. I have had the privilege of getting to know you on a much personal level and I am all the more blessed for it! (Since we’re talkin religion) 🙂
You are a gem among gems and I cherish your words and cheery voice every single day as I listen to your voice memos) (Ladies, Julie and I have found a cool way to converse on a DAILY basis with a neat feature on our IPhones!). It is a very rare day that goes by that we don’t exchange at least one 5 minute message or more! (usually its about 5 memo’s each throughout the course of the day!) It has been a godsend for me! Just when I need a lift, there’s a voice memo (little different than a voice MAIL), from Jules….just waiting there to cheer me up! Thank you my friend! I love your comment to this post and I love the fact that you are NOT allowing your SA to define you! Perfect! Diane has preached on that alot and it makes perfect sense- once you get there! So, congrats to YOU!!Pam- awesome post! I’m a little behind as usual! And speaking of Pam, I miss her!! I remember she said she was going away for a bit!!
This SA business eventually has most of us tapping into our spiritual side. Nothing wrong with THAT!!! 🙂
Hello ALL:
I just wanted to say i am back from back east w/daughter. I feel so good and strong! I really have wonderful family, friends and most of all, a great DAD. He’s easy, he’s 80! looks great. and supports me and is understanding. It felt so good to be loved.
back in Hell LA. Immediate argument and drama. we are discussing a more formal seperation, and what that looks like legally.
The next few months should be very telling for me. I came back to a toxic, angry, negative person. He is alone alone alone and has no love like I do in my family. but dont you know? IT’S EVERYONE ELSE. really???
I want to embrace a better life. a healthy better partner. and make legal moves. sign it and be done. Its only money.
In boston I had a social life, people who care and show up. people who get it. out here it is psycho SA and his messed up family all out to get me one way or another. I am in enemy territory. oh, what a lot in life!!
i know i am rambling but, an addiction counsler (recovered addict) told me something about addicts. It’s not even the dangerous behavior that leads them down a bad path, as much as they “find themselves alone, in a pool of selfishness with no one to care.”
My SA is quickly becoming that man. with no lights going on to point him to the contrary. oh well. Se la vie.I missed you all very much!!
Hi Pam,
We missed you too.I am sure that sometimes when we live with insanity we do actually have to remove ourselves to regain our sense of what is normal. If you left your husband could you move back to Boston with your daughter or can he stop that in a spilt? If he keeps going maybe he can be declared unfit to parent. Maybe he would even recognize that he isn’t able to take care of her. Karen xx
Welcome back Pam. I’m so happy to hear you had a great time in Boston. I’m also happy you have a supportive family and was able to revisit a healthy place for you and your daughter.
My h has a really low bottom and may be about there. Hes alone, lost his job, has no friends except the 30 min-1hr ones , I hope you will be able to separate from yours in a safe way.
Missed you while you were gone! Welcome back Pam.
Love, Nap
pam glad your back. sometimes getting out of your life can make all the difference. i wish only the best life has for you.
much love kattDear Pam, isn’t it great to be around people who remind you of who you really are? Being immersed in the world of SA reduces us so much that we forget we are worthy of space and attention. I hope you can get away from him soon and safely.
Pam ~ so glad you had a good time and were able to be with sane, supportive people.
Julie ~ so glad you are doing so well – wow! I need your transformation!
And the veil has surely come down for us all, and as painful as it was to lower it/remove it, I am glad. The illusion is over, or at least some of it.
Actually, the men control the curtain, so perhaps some of it is still up??? (We will never know for sure, I guess.)
Somehow we can make beauty from brokeness and IMO God has a huge interest in us. These are some amazing things God has shown me: (I think!)
I saw your pain all through the years and wept with you…
You are in a parched land and I have a pool of refreshing water waiting for you…
It can hurt to obey God, but Jesus learned obedience from suffering and if you are a disciple, then you may have to suffer also…
When you are falsely accused of destroying your family, leaving your family, forsaking your family, God is storing up more and more rewards for your unjust persecution. (I say, “Bring it on, just keep building my heavenly treasure!” Well, on a good day I say that; on a bad day I cry, cry, cry! LOL!)
Your childen need you; you don’t need them. (Sounds rough, but it was revelatory to me, and what I needed to keep reaching out to them, specifically my daughter and son-in-law.)
When (if) you do finally divorce, your children will feel like someone is deeply cutting their skin and body wide open! They will attack you in their unbearable pain, and be unable to cope…but you need to love them, love them, love them.
You need to accept what has been done to you, forgive him for what he has done, but you DO NOT have to live with the one who has done this to you.
Those are a few thoughts that have felt like God thoughts…seek and you shall find. God is helping me find what I need, though it is still very, very painful.
Much love and hugs to you all,
B. Trayed ~ LyndaPam,
Just rejoicing along with everyone else that you were able to spend some time in a supportive environment and reconnect with the happier side of life and yourself!
Glad you are back online though. I love your straight shooting advice/approach.
Hugs.
~BonnieHi Pam,
That is what happened to me. I went home for thanksgiving two years ago, for only four days, and i could feel what me and normal felt like again. That and the fact the SA did not call once to make sure we made it? to check in with me or his little girl…typical. Came back to the same. But i had then a taste of what freedome is/could be. I felt strong after that trip. And knew what i needed to do. And i did it. Be strong pam…New England is better anway!!! Not that i am biased…hey and you would be near me!!What better could there be. Just kidding.
Glad for you. Love Flora
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