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Like Bev, my first “oh shit” moment was 11 years ago when I was pregnant with our first daughter (this after being married 3.5 years and together 2.5 before that) and I was interested in having lots of sex and he wasn’t. It just made me think “hmmm…” and I’d wake up in the middle of the night and he would be on the computer so I started snooping around and found a list of phone numbers in his wallet, mainly for Las Vegas area codes, where he had been on business. When I confronted him, he said they were for strippers for his brother’s upcoming bachelor party in Vegas. I didn’t really believe that but at the time, I couldn’t fathom what else it might be. Fast forward about 6 months and I discovered that he was online on some site called “Lava Life” and had been trying to meet women and couples.
Oh and I remember some postings about this a few weeks ago, I think others had experienced similiar thoughts, but while we were dating, I had very faint but lingering thought that he might be gay but I don’t know why I thought that – we always had a lot of good sex and he was very attentive.
Debora after meeting you and seeing how capable and beautiful you are I cannot understand why you haven’t left him. I don’t mean to sound judgmental, but you of all people are strong enough and would blossom away from him.
my first aha moment was 3 weeks after our wedding. We had just gotten back from our honeymoon and he went out with some people at work. He told me I wasn’t allowed to go along. 2 women from work called our house often to talk to him about “work”. We had a huge fight about it and he told me he was allowed to have his own friends. He stayed out until 3:30 am. He was with those 2 women. I was crazy angry and finished our thank you notes so I could leave him! He insisted he didn’t do anything wrong, he got drunk and passed out in someones car. He PROMISED nothing happened. Through 28 years I would ask him about that night. His story was always the same. He has now admitted that he had an affair with both those women the first year we were married!! He said it started that night. News update: it started before we were married and they were both at our wedding. Fraud. I could get an annulment.
I was a naive 18 year old girl. I was crazy in love with him and knock dead gorgeous. He wouldn’t even let me talk on the phone with my sister, thats how jealous he was.
I didn’t have an aha moment…not in relation to him and other women. I was like Penny..happy and in the dark. We had a fantastic sex life and everyone thought he was crazy about me. So did I. 🙁 It was 20 yrs in and we were living in Nigeria when I began to notice a change in him.I picked up on it right away. He became arrogant and was angry much more frequently.He wasn’t as helpful, loving or sexually interested. I tried harder
figuring it was job stress and the location. That didn’t work so I hauled his ass off to a marriage counsellor at home and continued with phone sessions in Africa. He seemed terrified at the idea of talking to someone which I thought was rather odd. He paid lip service but nothing was really changing. I didn’t back down and was constantly challenging him on his
behaviour and treatment of me. One night, in a bar when he was very drunk…he blurted it out. That he had a hooker in my bed almost a year before. I didn’t believe him. I actually didn’t believe him.I thought it was just drunk talk of a peculiar nature. He slept at the staff house that night and I went over early the next morning to confront him. There was a hooker there with him. He was sober and sick and said he didn’t do anything with her. I had to pay the girl to get her to leave. I waited for him to deny everything he had said. He didn’t. He said it was all true. That was my aha or WTF moment. Oh…and the girl he had there that morning….found out 2 yrs ago that his idea of nothing was performing oral sex on her. Now I’m just waiting for the “straw that breaks the camel’s back moment” and wondering WTF is wrong with me that it isn’t here yet. Karen xxPenny, If I remember correctly, Lynn’s husband used to write scripts, too.
What SHOULD have been my first WTF moment was when he never wanted to have sex with me when I was awake. He would only come on to me when I was sound asleep.
My actual WTF moment is when I found him masturbating a few feet from my sleeping baby daughter a few months after she was born.
teri, he is a sick sick man. he never fails to disappoint does he?
in our 23 years together, i had many WTF moments about what an asshole DW was. drinking all the milk, refusing to help me when i was on crutches, telling me i treated my son like a lover in front of him (!! and this was just after his worst hooker binge, at the time i was completely shocked and had no idea where that bizarre comment came from, now it makes sense), breaking my piano then not fixing it.. it goes on and on.
but there have been many WTF moments since d day, all of them leading me very gradually to understand over the past year, who he is and what his ‘recovery’ will look like. each one of them occurred when i was working away from home. in march i understood he wasn’t fully committed to recovery, and that he wouldn’t really communicate with me.
in may i realized he was violating my boundaries and i kicked him out for two weeks.
in november i realized it really was over for me.
i’m about to go on another trip, the first two weeks of march. wonder what epiphany i’ll have then.
Fuck! What a load of fucked up what the fucks…
Mine was catching him having cyber sex on line to some random woman when he was supposed to be doing some internet banking… I now consider this a euphemism for internet wanking. Never mind that I was young, hot and in bed waiting for him… needless to say a row ensued and he promised me it would never have happened again. THe very next day I was working from home and logged into his accounts and found him describing how he was fucking her against a wall in a dark alley. I should have packed and left there and then. THis was 8 months into us living together.
The first time I said WTF was June of 2000 or 2001. I was coaching my children’s swim team. We had an evening meet and my son was not feeling well. I asked my h to take him home and get him to bed because I had to stay with the team. Very late that night – 2am-ish, I had insomnia and got up so as not to wake h. I got on the computer to look for free quilt patterns. I checked our email (we shared at that tiime) and saw a receipt for porn that he had paid for that night at about 8:30pm. My little boy would have just been put to bed and could have come looking for his Dad at any time. I went upstairs, pulled the covers off of him and kicked him out of the house – for about 3 weeks. The rest – you know.
I was just rereading this thread. They really are all horrible moments. I wonder why so many of us buried these things and continued on… only to end up here. Was it innocence, trust, denying our own feelings, fear, confusion or what? Reading it in black and white now,it makes you wonder why any of us stuck around? Karen xx
Karen,
I seriously question my integrity and sanity. How do we get to a point where we think this is vaguely normal or OK or fuck knows.
I do question whether I’ll trust my own judgement ever again.I don’t know much but what I do know is that if I end up divorced I will NEVER marry again. E V E R!!!!
I will have a forever boyfriend who will NOT live with me and if I stumble upon any sa evidence while dating him, it will be over.
I will never allow another man to make me feel as I have in this marriage.
That is all I know.
Quite honestly, my first WTF came when husband’s mother started asking me questions about his penis and if he was able to please me.
Though thinking back on it, there was a point early on when we were together when he sort-of-kind-of told me he liked being “big,” and that he wanted to purposely gain weight and said it would be great if I told him he looked good when he did. I wouldn’t have cared if he was carrying a bit extra, but purposely doing so was not something I could get behind. So he “agreed to stop doing that.”
Yeah. Years later and I find out he likes looking at (among other disgusting things) pictures of naked fat men screwing and would steal money to buy extra food to get fat with. Because I would never ever notice the weight gain I guess. WTF.
WTF WTF WTF.
holy crap avinea, WTF times 1000! talk about a scary MIL!! and stealing money to get fat? ahh!! i’m so sorry avinea!
I’m just shaking my head, wondering how a Midwestern girl like me ended up in this strange world. “Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.”
To add to my forever boyfriend boundaries….
I will never share another bank acct. I will never loan to/borrow from another man. I will never jointly sign for or co own with another unless it is my child.
And given the opportunity I will on occasion snoop a bit be it his PC or phone just to make sure he’s not a sa or has sa tendencies.
No more blind trust……EVER.
I don’t mean to laugh – I know you didn’t mean it that way Avinea – but OMG! What a fucked up twisted fetish. God only knows where that comes from. And his Mother asking about his penis…yuck!
Karen – I think the reason why we all swept these things under the rug is we were so trusting and in love. We thought they were isolated incidents. Or at the very least, now that they had been “found out”, they would stop b/c they knew it hurt us. We had hope…now we just have WTF am I married to?
These are all sad stories. It’s been noted here before that this is a room full of salt-of-the-earth women that didn’t deserve the kind of crap we got served up. I just wanted to say I’m sorry to all of you for your pain and disappointment.
I’m also pleased to sit here with you to learn and grow. You are all my heroes.
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