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Hi, My name is Angela and I’ve been married for almost 5 years. In August 2009, I found some strange charges on our bank statement, over and over again. I called the bank to get the phone number of the company as I thought it was abuse of our bank card, only to find it was much worse – it was a phone sex line. I confronted my husband and he told me he was addicted to porn and phone sex. I begged him to tell me everything and that I would work though it with him (I had just found out a few days before that I was pregnant with our second child). He found a local sex addiction group and attended a few meetings, met with a sex addiction counselor, and got some workbooks (from the counselor). The SA counselor wasn’t covered by our insurance and was pretty expensive, so he started seeing a therapist he had used in the past for depression instead and was put on anti-depressants. I saw a whole new wonderful side of him.
Yesterday, I was on our computer looking for directions to bring our older daughter to a birthday party and his cell phone was charging beside it. I decided to take a peek for fun. There had been a few calls to a “Carla – Massage” the day before. We both see the same massage therapist, who isn’t named Carla, so I knew something was fishy. I looked the number up online to find an Adult Search for a “massage”. I had asked him flat out the first time if he cheated on me and he had said no. I confronted him again and he told me he’s been doing everything since long before we were dating (massage parlors, phone sex, porn). Now I have to make an appointment with the doctor to be tested for STDs. I feel so dirty and used. Within minutes he had called his therapist and made an appointment for tomorrow. I told him that wasn’t enough since seeing this guy obviously wasn’t working. I told him he needs to ask him about a rehab program. Even if he’s successful with that, I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust him again.
If it wasn’t for our kids, I know I would have kicked him out in a heartbeat. Problem is, I’m the breadwinner of the family and I still need his income to keep us afloat. Our home’s value has gone down below what we still owe on our mortgage, so I think we’re screwed. I have to travel for work and need him here to take care of the kids as my family lives 500 miles away. His family is an hour away, but has no clue what’s going on. I’m thinking of contacting a divorce lawyer to see what I can do, but I’m torn. He’s an amazing dad and I don’t want my kids to miss out on that, but at the same time, if we were to split up, I would likely want to take the kids and go back to my hometown where my parents could be there to help.
I’m hurt, ashamed, angry, confused, you name it, but I’m doing my best to keep a straight face for the sake of the kids.
Well, Gigi, aside from a few details, my story is almost identical to yours. Welcome to the club, the Sisterhood of Support. We are all here for the same reasons – support, understanding and guidance. All of us are in either the same place you are in or have been in a very similar situation. I know that the women on this web site have helped me immensely, more than any of them will ever know. I have a wonderful therapist but you can access this site 24/7 and we really, really know how you feel and what you are going through. (A brief aside about therapy – there is a vast difference between “going to therapy” and “being in therapy.” You might want to save that conversation with your husband for a later date). My advice to you right now would be to unload – on us. The denial, lying and deflecting behaviors, just to mention a few, that accompany sex addiction can make even the even the sanest among us, literally, crazy – at least temporarily. How ironic that we are the “sane” ones trying to function in these insane relationships? It was just today that I was diagnosed with shingles, more likely than not stress related. Just another “first” I never wanted to experience. Please keep writing and reading on this site. You are in all of our thoughts.
Oh, one tip on how to try to keep yourself together is the old “one day at a time” philosophy. It sounds easy but it’s not. I know my mind and emotions were, and still are, all over the place but trying, at the moment, not to relive the past or even think about the future is somewhat calming. It brings a little relief, just for one day. But I still am having problems eating, sleeping and – name anything. And I still have shingles! Hang in there. This is a “journey” (not exactly my definition of a desired journey) we are all taking together.
Hi Angela,
I know this is a painful time for you. Please remember to take good care of yourself. Get a good therapist to help you through this for yourself so it doesnt become too overwhelming for you. We go through and feel many emotions during this time-its very traumatizing because what or who isnt what we thought it was. It will be up to your husband to get the help he need for his addiction. Please take good care of you and get the things you need so you dont get more lost and confused. Focusing on yourself and taking care of yourself are really key.Dear Gigi,
thank you for sharing your experience with us. With small children, the path out of the nightmare to safe ground is really tough. But let’s count some good things. You seem to grasp the financial picture ahead, and that you need to position yourself near your family to manage things, and you are employable. Okay. It’s tough to lose money on the house but if you can get a job near your family and start over with much less—honey you are still ahead. It’s hard to walk away from the life your were building together, but you will lose more if you try and stay. The stress will be too much. And the vigilance required when there are children in the house is huge—their exposure to porn (and they WILL find it) represents a whole new level of damage to innocent ones. As you begin to see what your husband’s life is about, it becomes overwhelming and all-consuming. Please do better than that for your children. Right now, you say he’s a good father, but he’s not if that’s what he’s doing. He’s not. He’s pretending, and if the welfare of his children is at stake, he will still choose his addiction with endless rationalizations of why it isn’t exactly that. My SA blamed one of our sons for the pop-up porn, and this son had been bullied through school and had ADD and now his father (who was his champion) used him too. They are sick beyond belief. Get your children out.See a lawyer. Confide in some close members of your family. Seek their ideas. Find your own therapist. I hated doing everyone of these things. But they are things that allowed me to stay sane and make the decisions that brought me to a safe place so I could recover and keep working at the job I now had to keep for certain, and help my sons through post-secondary education. The SA has tons of help. He has meetings full of people to support and befriend him. He has a therapist. He has his anti-depressant. He has all the literature written just for him. Attend to you and your children. He can wait.
Ann, I’m so so sorry about the shingles. I really hope that eases for you this week. My stress goes right to my lower back and once I was immobilized for three weeks. I use yoga now to help release the stress from my body. Sometimes we women have created “habits” of taking on the stress in the family. But with this level of the SA stress, it’s too much for the system altogether. Do some breathing exercises–literally in with the new and out with the old. I find it’s quite calming when i’m starting to wind up.
Stay safe everyone,
D.Thank you all. I’m sad that you are all going through or have gone through the same thing, but at the same time I’m so happy to have found an outlet. I don’t know how to tell my family and friends yet. I’m doing my homework and trying to get as much info together as I can. I downloaded my husband’s cell phone history including texts from the past year (now to sift through them), and I installed eBlaster on his machine. I think he realizes how serious it is. He took an online assessment and I sadly think that that was what opened his eyes that he had a problem. It said that most sex addicts were at least a 6/20 and he was a 13/20. He did research and found a local output treatment center. I don’t know how he found it because I did many searches and couldn’t find it. When I was down secretly putting on eBlaster while he’s at an appointment with his therapist, I saw that he had filled out the pre-registration paperwork for the center. What scares me is the cost and the credit card info required. The only credit card he has is his ATM card because of past debt (before we were together – which I have no doubt was from his habit). I think I’m going to ask him to get a card from his parents as I don’t want to spend OUR savings on his treatment. This way if he bails on it or it doesn’t work, I’m not screwed. If he’s successful, and I decide to try to make it work, I might consider paying them back. This might also make him admit to them that he has a problem. Is this a bad idea? I also researched a divorce lawyer that I think I’m going to call tomorrow to see what my options are.
Hi gigi13,
It sounds like you are putting your energy in the right places. Hope you are doing okay and just want you to know Im thinking of you. Your friend, NAPGigi,
Sounds like a great idea. Keep the savings you may need it later. Do not give it up. Yes he can ask his parents, even if he cries and wines that he does not want to, which he may very well do. Its crunch time, time to tell the truth. Do not fall for the “i don’t want to tell my parents”; just to bad. He did this, it is up to him to get out. They need to know anway, and i hope they support him and pay the fee.Dear Gigi,
Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. We’ve been digging out of a major blizzard in this area. Sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected, given the circumstances.
I, too, have an appointment with an attorney next week – thinking about a legal separation. I’ve basically already turned the house into a duplex so why not go ahead and make it legal. I’m just considering this action as additional boundary setting. I’m just not sure that I can continue living with a SA. My children are much older than yours and I have no idea what I would do if they were the same ages as yours. This addiction is so difficult and to have little ones …… this has got to be overwhelming.
When looking for a lawyer/legal firm, check the divorce laws in your state. In mine, if you make first contact with any firm, your husband will be unable to use them. Try and find out the most high powered and expensive firms and check them out too. It shouldn’t cost you anything unless you decide to select them to represent you. I’ve known friends that – for real – interviewed over thirty firms, even after they had selected an attorney, just so there weren’t many choices left for their spouses.
About your spouse’s addiction treatment costs, many non-profit centers offer patient aid or low cost loans in addition to working with most insurance companies. You might want to take a look into this. No matter what he decides about this treatment, find your own therapist – no matter what the cost. The going rate is $150 per hour around here and most can work with you on insurance and need based discounts. In fact, my therapist is thinking about starting group sessions for partners of sex addicts because #1 there are so many of us in her practice and #2 many of the women’s insurance only covers a few sessions and this would be a way for not only group therapy but also group support at reduced rates. And, of course, there is this web site, which I imagine will be a bargain compared to other support groups – and we don’t label people either.
At first, I’d be very cautious about telling too many people. I’ve only told four people about my sex addict, not to protect him in anyway but because most people don’t know anything about sex addiction. They just don’t understand. Infidelity is a very highly charged issue and many people are not only terribly judgemental but can often hold grudges for a long time, no matter if you decide to stay or leave your marriage. Look what happened with the Tiger Wood’s fiasco. Everyone had an opinion. Was he really a sex addict, a “normal” guy who was able to do exactly what he wanted to because he could or was he just a low down dog? You and your children have enough to cope with right now and do you really need the extra stress? If your husband is really in recovery, HE can tell his parents and friends about why your marriage is in trouble. I’d recommend telling, at first, just a few trusted friends and a therapist and, perhaps, a pastor or priest if this is applicable. You are going to have plenty of time later to let other people know what happened but now you have to take care of yourself and your kids first, financially and emotionally. Who needs the extra grief of trying to be judged by other people, especially right now anyway?
Hope this helps. Take care and please let all of us know if we can help you in anyway.
Thanks for the advice on the lawyers – I never knew that. I do have a close friend I think I can confide in who also happens to be a lawyer. It’s especially nice because she had moved away around the time that my husband and I started dating, so she doesn’t really know him, so I think I can trust her not to make judgments the way some of our mutual friends might. She just recently moved back into the area so I will hit her up for the specifics in our state and who the top lawyers are.
I’ve been keeping very busy with work and if I do have any extra time, I’m reading the material provided by JoAnn which I find to be very helpful. I told him that I will be making boundaries and presenting them to him this weekend and that we would be going through ALL finances. He suggested that I also come up with a “To do” list for him because apparently he does this when he is bored. He just walked in so I have to cut this short, but thanks again to all for your helpful information.
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